A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 14 years and have 3 kids under 10. My husband and I dated for 6 years before getting married. I am absolutely miserable in my marriage. My husband is emotionally abusive...a true narcissist. It has taken me too long and years of counseling to figure if all out.My question is: he says a divorce will be worse on the kids than us being unhappy. (I disagree...I think they are living in a very unhappy situation and learning what love should not be.) How can I figure out what is best? Plus I am deeply concerned that if we divorce I will have to move again...and I have been forced to uproot the kids 3 times since late 2010 because my husband cant keep a job. And add to that the fact that he will not help me and the kids one bit if we divorce (he has already warned me of this...and since he is mostly self employed it is easy for him to hide money.) I feel so awfully trapped. Now I can finally understand why some women start a new relationship before leaving the one they are in (but cheating is not in my nature...but I am starting to wish it was.)
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (24 February 2013):
 Please accept my sympathies for the situation you are in. I can only imagine the pain and hurt you are going through.
That being said, it sounds like you do have some thinking to do:
1) Your husband is correct: your children will suffer emotionally from the divorce. The question is how much and how much are they suffering now? If they are seeing you fight and argue, if there is any form of abuse (physical or chemical) then it may be best to move on. However, there is no guarantee that your children will ever be okay with your decision either way. Kids often times feel like they are the reason behind the divorce.
2) if you do decide to go, be sure your financial ducks are in order. Moving out, getting an apartment, making payments on your car(s), etc will be tough. Even with spousal support, you will have to find work on your own. This may also include putting your kids in daycare (if they aren't already). Often times women come out on the losing end as far as money goes in a divorce. Be sure you are ready for that. Also, being that your husband hides money, I suggest contacting an attorney and threaten to expose your husband's shady dealings to tax collectors.
If the couple's therapy isn't working and you've tried everything it may be possible for you and your husband to find a way to either get along (and make each other less miserable) or part ways. You may also find it useful to find another therapist -- perhaps the one you are using isn't working.
Finally, I am sorry I don't have a good and definite answer for you. The answer truly lies within you and no matter what decision you make, there will be consequences and prices to be paid. I think, that whatever you chose, that you hang on with both hands -- you are in for a wild ride.
Eddie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): It's quite simple arithmetic OP.
Unhappy mother feeling trapped, stressed and growing ever more desperate and resentful of their father to the point where the house is just in a constant state of tension and stress, or a free independent mother, happy and living life on her terms. Which do you really think is better?
I'm a child of divorce and I can tell you a happy mother is more important than two unhappy parents. It's quite logical really when you think about it isn't it?
As far as hiding money, good luck with that haha, he will be legally obliged to pay maintenance, he tries to say he hasn't got it, then he'll have a lot of fun when you tell them how he hides his money, how he earns his money and he can look forward to a visit from the IRS too if you so choose to report him. He hasn't a leg to stand on OP, he will pay or you will financially crush him.
OP whose name is the house under? If it's both of you and you as the mother become primary custodian then he's the one who will have to move out.
The ball is very much in your court, the law favours you in all parts of this process.
Now the important part here OP, is preparation, preparation and more preparation.
Speak to a lawyer about the best way to go about all of this. Go on some divorce websites, there are lots there specifically for woman and populated by other women who know all the tricks, who know exactly how to work everything to their advantage. You will get lots of tips and stuff. I read one post by a woman whose husband was self employed but he kept little bits of paper work around the place, receipts etc. She photocopied all of those and even took note of people he did work for and stuff who could be contacted to prove he'd been earning money and not paying tax.
Research all your options and be prepared for when you make your move. Do it very carefully and behind his back OP, don't leave your own paper trail. Don't give out your home number to a lawyer or other agency or he may pick up the phone. Any letters pertaining to a divorce give out your parents address or get a PO box to have them sent to. You don't want him getting any clue that you're readying to walk away or he'll have time to prepare and you want to hit him with everything in one shot before he has time to react. Op it's very important that you use a incognito window in the chrome browser (get it if you have it) and you only use that to browse for things like this. If he uses your computer and sees "divorce options" come up as a suggested search term he may check the history and find out what you're planning.
If you want to figure out what's the best thing to do in your situation then do your homework and see what you need to do in a practical sense to get this done. You may find that starts the ball rolling in your mind.
OP remember, what's best for the kids is what's best for you. No child deserves to be raised in a house of bitterness and resentment.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 February 2013):
 You write: "My question is: he says a divorce will be worse on the kids than us being unhappy. (I disagree...I think they are living in a very unhappy situation and learning what love should not be.) "
He's wrong; you're right. NOW, set in motion your plans to terminate this sham of a "marriage".... AND carry out those plans.
You'll be amazed at the wonderful feelings that you'll experience once you have put him in your past. AND, you'll probably get a "bonus feel-good" when you see how positively your kids respond to not having to live in a toxic household....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): I agree with everyone else - make a final decision and then implement it, accepting that it may be hard in the short term but with a long term mindset. But don't please don't get involved with someone else for whatever reason until you're in a better space in your mind. Blended families are hard at the best of times, you don't want more pressure and distress and two wrongs don't make a right. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (24 February 2013):
 If you have the means to do so, leave the marriage. I am speaking as both a child of parents who didn't divorce and should have, and also as a parent who did divorce. Your children are NOT better growing up in a household where the parents don't love each other and are fighting.
My parents fought constantly while my sister and I were growing up. We used to pray that they would divorce. There was always so much tension and hostility between my parents. It really scarred both my sister and myself.
I walked out of a 16 year marriage because I didn't want my son to witness what I had to go through as a child. It wasn't easy, but I had to think of the welfare of my child, and yes, myself.
If your husband doesn't pay for the support of his children, child support WILL go after him. My ex husband was still paying back child support when my daughter was 25 because of all the time he hadn't paid and it caught up to him! Don't let him get away with that crap that he can't pay and doesn't have any money. Child support will take away his driver's license and throw him in jail if he gets too far behind. He's just being a bully.
I wish you all the best. What you are facing needs courage and strength, but you can do this. Don't waste the best years of your life living with someone that you don't love! You deserve to be happy and so do your children. Please let us know how you are. *HUGS*. You can do this, I promise.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (24 February 2013):
 If you truly want to leave...and you really mean to leave, then you have work to do.
Firstly, you have to ignore a lot of what he says, if you leave him, the courts will MAKE him pay child support, he has no choice in that.
Secondly, you need to start planning and saving money if you can. Get a second job or take on some home work...anything that gets money into your hands. Find yourself a good divorce lawyer (speak to friends who may have used someone before)
Thirdly DO NOT...I repeat DO NOT go looking for a new relationship to get you out of this one!!! There are so many problems associated with that, I don't know where to begin!! (but if you have a spare few hours I'd be happy to list them)
Don't expect to be able to up and leave straight away...plan...plan and stick to that plan! If you have family you can go stay with then fine...but that will just be another upheaval for the kids when you eventually move into your own place (unless it's in the same area as your family).
Your husband does not hold all the cards, despite what he says and thinks. If you are being abused in any way, then he has to recognise and realise that this is his shit to sort out...and if he doesn't sort it...you have no choice but to leave.
Forget all the crap about 'til death do us part' or 'putting up with it for the sake of the kids'...that's a crock of shit that people fool themselves with whilst tolerating the most disgusting and disgraceful behaviour from a spouse (be they man or woman)...The bottom line is, if you arn't happy and the atmosphere for your children is threatening or harmful...you should get out!!
BUT MAKE PLANS TO DO IT ALONE!!!
If a new guy does come into your life after you have left and things have settled down then thats a bonus, but in order for you to pull this off successfully you need to get clever and busy and SERIOUS!!
Be congenial and unemotional to your husband whilst going through the process, so he does not have any opportunity to attack you or persuade you to stay. You should also work out a fair child access plan.
The children will adapt and be ok as long as you are offering them a new and stable life, where you can settle and be secure...but you need to do it the right way and it's going to be tough for a while...but worth it in the end.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 February 2013):
 If he cares so little for his own children that he openly admits to not want to support them... Well then, he obviously does not care much for his children now when he lives in the same house as them either.
Your children probably hurt from his abuse just as much as you do, you're not the only one to notice something is wrong with him, you're not the only one he gets angry with for no reason etc. The way he treats you is the way he treats them as well. So if you are unhappy, then I can almost assure your children are unhappy as well. He's not a good father, I can tell from him just saying he wont support them if you leave. He's willing to punish them to get to you... So he's using them, without any consideration to their feelings. Such a father is not a good father, and your children know this too. It hurts for them to have him around when he's not mentally well.
I think you know the right answer. But remember that single moms do get by as well. They're not rich, but they get by.
I don't know how the system works in your country, you don't have a developed social security. But here in Norway what happened was that my father couldn't pay my mother money to support us either. He actually didn't even have a job (an artist), so there was no money to hide away. But even so, he was obligated to support us, by law. And when he couldn't, the state paid out child support and he was put into debt because of it. This debt he is currently paying off, going on his 6th year of not getting paid for any job he takes (how the debt-program works, any income he earns the state will take from him as payment, and it lasts for 6 years).
I suggest you read up about social welfare in your country and find out what he will be obligated to pay you by law, should you divorce. It could be you could keep the house and still live there, while he needs to move. I'm just saying, don't paint yourself a black picture without even investigating this thoroughly. It could be that it wont be as bad as you fear it will be.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 February 2013):
 ..And what kind of father is,one who would hide his earnings in order to not contribute supporting his own kids ?! surely he does not win Best Daddy of the year.
I understand it's easier said than done, but I can't see the benefit of you remaining trapped and unhappy for the rest of your life, or at least for many years to come, just in order to expose your kids to this shining example of selfish and irresponsible fatherhood.
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