A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend never gets mad. She just never gets impatient or annoyed or frazzled or frustrated. It's come to the point when I just want to instigate fights to get a reaction out of her. I push her, and push and push, but she nevers gets angry. Whenever it LOOKS as though she's about to lose it, she just breathes and says things like, "It's not worth it", and just walks away. It makes me want to explode. She doesn't get jealous, she doesn't freak out when other girls call me or flirt with me. Either she doesn't care or she is REALLY good at hiding her anger. But aren't people supposed to fight in relationships? Isn't that normal? She never gives in to anger, not even a little bit. And that only pisses me off even more!How can I get her to break?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): Okay, so there's something wrong with you. You should be glad your girlfriend doesn't nag and yell at you all day. You have a peaceful, cool-headed, emotionally stable partner, and yet you're trying to ruin it? Why are you TRYING to make her mad? It seems to me that you want her to lose her temper and ignore you, you want her to be annoyed all day. What kind of boyfriend WANTS his girlfriend to be angry? Get help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Just because you're a drama queen doesn't mean it's wrong or bad that your girlfriend is rational and cool. Most guys would give anything to have a gf like yours."But aren't people supposed to fight in relationships? Isn't that normal?"Why on earth do you think this is normal or good??? If this is your idea of what relationships should be, then you're not relationship-material as you are going to destroy any relationship with any woman. Just as you are doing right now to this poor sweet lady, you are treating her like dirt right now."She never gives in to anger, not even a little bit. And that only pisses me off even more!"What makes you think that her way is wrong and yours is right? Has it occurred to you that maybe she has better ways to deal with anger and maybe YOU should learn to be more like her???You seem to equate getting mad at someone with caring about them?? this is common but it's messed up and leads to relationships going sour. if you need to have drama in your life, then you need to find a different girl to be with. another thing is, she probably is angry at you just that she isn't showing it. This is admirable. it's called 'self control' and 'maturity'. however if you keep pushing her, her anger at you is going to turn into this simmering resentment that will manifest as her getting turned off to you and becoming disgusted at you. Her anger at you will make her no longer find you attractive or desirable as a mate. will that be "good" enough a proof of anger, for you??
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 October 2012):
 Stop being a douchy dude!
This is WHO she is and HOW she acts. I like her Zen attitude.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 October 2012):
Why dont you just let her be who she is and stop trying to change her to someone she isnt?
People are who they are, and typically dont change. If how she is isnt fine with you, you need to fine someone who is.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2012):
 I get it. YOU think she needs to display out of control behavior to prove to you how she feels about you. You guys have different styles.
Do you think that by her NOT displaying emotions (I wish I had that kind of control) she does not care about you? WHY is it so important to you that she fight with you? WHY does this frustrate you?
Does a childish temper tantrum display indicate the depth of her feelings?
FWIW I think that what you WILL do is that she will eventually be so tired of your GAMES that she will say "it's not worth it" one last time and walk away never to look back... is THAT what you want?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 You can't make your gf angry, but, if this may be of any comfort to you, you have made ME angry. Just reading " how can I get her to break " makes my blood boil.
You are psychologically abusing, tormenting in fact, a nice,well mannered, emotionally stable girl who has class, maturity and good impulse control- because you'd get your kicks out of a shouting match ?? Because you LIKE yelling and fighting ?? ...." It's that too much to ask ? " : not only it's too much to ask, it is also a stupid, dysfunctional , screwed up thing to ask .
No, couples are not " supposed " to fight and, no, frequent arguments ( with shouting matches, too ! ) are NOT normal, if that's the pattern, they'd better part ways , because obviously they can't get along.
Of course,if, once in a rare while, two people can't handle their conflict properly, and they get so frustrated and overwhelmed that they end up yelling ,... it's not the end of the world, we all can have a bad day when we can't think straight.
But tryng on purpose to hurt someone's feelings , and to destroy her peace of mind, just because arguments and anger feel normal to you,- that's sick.
Maybe you have grown up in a confrontational environment and you have come somehow to identify shouting and temper outburst and insults with love and passion - which is sad and would not be your fault, naturally.
But now that you are a young adult, either you are prepared to radically question your approach to conflict and use different coping skills for frustration other than shouting matches- or you leave this poor girl alone and go find yourself someone that can give you the kind of noisy, aggressive " love " that apparently you need.
OR - you keep doing what you are doing and pretty soon she'll dump your ass without a single look back. Being "zen", being calm does not mean being stupid and accepting abuse forever...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 October 2012):
 You're contradicting yourself.
You said she has an "outward lack of emotions", and then you say "i can see it in her eyes that she does, but she never actually acts pissed. it's like she adopts this really peaceful look and that's all i get. ".
She *is* showing you emotions! What she's not doing is having tantrums like a pissy 4-year old who isn't getting her own way.
She's got your number alright, and I think it's bothering you because you're not used to someone who behaves in a mature fashion. The more she is mature, the more immature you want to be.
Is she hiding her affection for you? Does she show you that she cares? Is she there for you? Does she listen to you? Does she open up and share her innermost self to you? If she is, what more can you possibly want?
I don't know about you, but I don't consider my husband telling me to "F off" to be the ultimate sign of a good relationship.
Stop needling her, or she'll make the rational decision to leave you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): thx for the replies, i guess. But you don't get it...when I do tell her that her outward lack of emotion is annoying, she tells me that she doesn't get why she has to be just as angry as me. it wouldn't solve anything.
So i asked her, 'does that mean you actually DO feel anger?' and she said, 'are you saying i'm a robot?', i replied with 'sometimes.' And instead of telling me to F off or something, she just told me, 'I know what you're trying to do', and she walked away. Again.
i guess i mispoke in my first post. i didn't mean that she NEVER gets annoyed and everything, you know, that she doesn't feel the emotions. i can see it in her eyes that she does, but she never actually acts pissed. it's like she adopts this really peaceful look and that's all i get. and sometimes i just want a shouting match. JUST ONCE. is that so much to ask for?
there's gotta be some people out there who get how frustrating it is.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 October 2012):
My grandmother always told me: "Anger and jealousy are signs of a weak personality". And I think it's true to a regard. I have little respect for people who aren't able to reign in their emotions and lash out, get jealous and irrational every chance they have.
Sounds like your girlfriend is very in command of her emotions, not emotionless. Her avoiding confrontations means it does mean something to her, but that she simply does not want to put herself in a position where her emotions could overtake rational thought. You're lucky to have someone so self aware.
Trying to "break" her is very childish and stupid to be honest. People console themselves with the idea that yelling to each other and having big overblown arguments are 'normal' because that gives them an excuse not to stay in control of themselves.
If she seems too closed off and distant, talk to her and tell her that you're worried about her reluctancy to show her feelings and that you're afraid she's keeping it pent up inside. If she says she's fine and that this is just who she is, accept it. My mom has the calm and patience of an angel. I've never seen her angry in my entire life. She's just very accepting of life, without being a doormat.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Instead of trying to "break" her (you sound like a horrible boyfriend when you say that btw), try to COMMUNICATE with her. Tell her how you feel, that it is bothering you, and you aren't used to her form of reactions. It makes you unsure about what she feels, you think she's suffocating feelings rather than showing them, and you feel very uneasy about this.
Talk to her about it, and talk about what you expect from each other in this relationship. If she never gets mad and you need someone who can tell you upfront when you're being an idiot, or when you've crossed the line, then maybe she isn't for you. Or maybe she can start to be more upfront and not so passive.
But "breaking" her isn't the way to go about it, it is very childish actually. You're in a relationship after all, not Battle Royale... You're not supposed to break each other, you're supposed to help each other.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Much better to have a patient person than an angry one. Shouting and arguing is on the whole not a good way to communicate. If she's communicating with you and telling you when she's not happy about things, then that's what's really important.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): I suggest you change your ways, because you will get a reaction, just not the one you want. You're probably coming across as an a'hole in her eyes, and sooner or later, she'll just leave you anyway for someone who suits her better.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 WHY would you want to push to upset someone who is so "together"??????
YOU need the therapy,.... and SHE is entitled to a "boyfriend" who wouldn't make such a posting on this site....
Really... think about it.....
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 It is normal to have conflict and fights at times in relationships. She sounds a lot like how my husband was in past relationships. When we first started dating he told me he never gets mad, ever. And other girlfriends would start fights and try to get him angry and he never did. He warned me about this because his calm nature caused problems. I told him he just didn't care about the others, fighting is normal and if they never made you angry it's because you didn't care about them. Low and behold I was correct because he damn sure can get angry with me. I never tried to push him at all. It was just natural and what happens naturally in a relatIonship. He never had fights with previous girls and he said when it got to be too much he left, because he didn't care to deal with crap if they weren't worth it. You may end up in the same boat with your gf if you keep pushing her on purpose.... She will decide you aren't worth it.
Maybe you should find someone else that satisfies your need for emotion. I don't reccomend "breaking her". If she doesn't care to fight then she won't. I won't say for certain she doesn't care about you, but it isn't natural to never even get frustrated with someone you care about.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (2 October 2012):
Do you love her, or are you just with her because you love a challenge? If you aren't going to treat her like you care about her, then, guess what?
It really isn't worth it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Or putting gum in her hair?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 October 2012):
Have you tried water-boarding her? I hear that breaks people very effectively.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Why do you get to decide how a "normal" person expresses their frustration or anger? Stop pushing her. You won't get her to yell, you'll only push her away from you and to someone else. Your girlfriend sounds like she has learned to get a good handle on her emotions. Maybe you should try to do the same.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 October 2012):
What??? You have a girlfriend who cares about you and has control of her emotions, and all you want to do is push her, argue her, and most scary of all, get her to break??
The problem is with you, not her.
It's not normal that people fight in relationships. A state of stress or argument is not the normal state. It says something really disturbing that her zen state pisses you off.
Isn't the point of a relationship to love the other for who they are? Isn't the point that when we are in a relationship, we make each other better people for being in that relationship??
I'm guessing you came from a background of high-strung, emotional, very demonstrative, possibly loud family upbringing. Your culture is that when there's a conflict, it gets loud, teary, screamy, extremely emotional, but it's almost cathartic and you feel that the argument and subsequent stress emotions give a release.
She is from a culture or background where people hold in and stay reserved. It's not that she's dishonest, or she doesn't care about you enough to fight with you, she's been told and given techniques from her upbringing to control her emotions. I'm sure part of it is her personality, because some people are more reserved by nature.
Don't try and turn her into someone she isn't, and don't make the mistake of thinking that the way she is isn't "normal". If accepting her for who she is pisses you off and gives you the urge to break her, then you aren't good for her and she isn't for you.
However, I know there's a multitude of guys who would kill for a girlfriend like yours, one who isn't high maintenance, argumentative, and allows her emotions to strike out at people. To many men, she is a prize, not someone to break.
You may think that her reserve is unhealthy, but you can't try and force emotions from her. If there's nothing to argue about, why argue?? Why pick or manufacture a fight? Why inject stress when none should be there?
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