A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 23 year-old woman in a steady relationship with my boyfriend of two years. I'd recently been in a vacation in the month of May and post the vacation am really petrified to observe certain discreet behavioural changes in him. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in June and the changes followed thereafter. He is on medication, but has developed this maniac habit of flirting with women online via Facebook. He even fabricates details of our relationship and doesn't think twice before sharing such delicate and sensitive matters with complete strangers. This is indeed taking a toll on my mental peace and am finding it very difficult to accept or cope up with these sudden changes in him. Well, I've read articles on the internet that lack of self-control intrigues infidelity, but my point is can a person be exempted to cheat only because of this particular disease? Moreover, he's on medication when he started flirting (1st week of July). How can he even tolerate some random stranger making objectionable remarks (over-possessive, demanding and unwilling to provide space) just based on mere assumption? He NEVER meets these women, simply flirts with them online and through text messages. He even had discussed erotica with a specific woman. (I've found this breaking into his Facebook account, but couldn't read the entire conversation as it was deleted by him in my process of reading!)I must say that our sexual life was dormant from the period of June to September. Is it the lack of sex that prompted him to adopt a promiscuous nature? Questions are many, but answers no where near close.I've tried to discuss frankly with him all the issues, but he's in a state of confusion. He said that he loved me with all his heart, the flirting scene was nothing. And the girl was manipulative as well as she had tried to crack a conflict between us earlier.What should be my course of action now? Can someone benign throw some light on this grave issue? P.S. It's impossible to break up with him as I'm irrevocably in love with him.Thanks in advance and sorry for such a long post. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, everyone for asserting that illness is never an excuse to get away with promiscuity.
Well, for THIS time I'm patching up with him as later on if there arises an awkward situation, I don't have to lay the blame of not taking that first foot forward on my head; I would know that I've put in my BEST efforts to salvage the relationship and can leave with no regrets or burdens in my heart.
He's trying his best as well, honestly to mend things of past. I can gradually perceive that 'wall' turning into a 'bridge' between us, we're never so comfortable with each other. Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.
Regards, everyone.
:)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): My partner and i were together for over 10 years. He was diagnosed bi-polar over 20 years ago and , apart from a few occassions over that time when he stopped taking lithium and ended up being sectioned,we have had a happy relationship. He stopped his medication 5 months ago and although his behaviour has changed i think this time he has stopped for good. He will never choose to go back on medication as "he now knows how to handle it". His behaviour at many times is now very cruel with seemingly no comprehension of the hurt he is causing to those he claims to love. I noticed that he had started to become very friendly with some woman on facebook and went out of his way to make sure everyone thought he was single. He even went so far as to announce that everyone should lock up their daughters as i had left him and he was now single and available. THis was several months ago when i did leave after a particullary nasty fight. i went back after a week but he continued the charade that he was living by himself, even quickly deleting any comment i may make occassionally that would alert people to the fact i was back{ in all honesty i probably did it deliberately as i was feeling so negleted and desperate for acknowledgment of my existence}He has spent the last few months telling me that he loves me but we are not joined at the hip and he wants to be with me but i should give him freedom and space to talk with others. I confess that i have become so insecure and suspicious that i started snooping at his," harmless " chats...There is one woman more than others that he has been messaging, flirting heavily, suggesting what he would like to do with her, sending presents to and telling her how stunningly beautiful she is and how one day they would love to meet{she is overseas}. There had only ever been mention of me when referring to how jealous and insecure i was because i objected to their "friendship" and how i had to get over it, it was my insecurities and i should just accept that he loves me.He said the same when i objected to coming home often to find a 23 year old girl in the house having hung around all day{he is 46, his daughters are this girls age]. When we were awoken at 5am by same drunk girl coming to see him that caused an argument as he stayed up the rest of the night with her and i was being unreasonably jealous by being SLIGHTLY pissed off.Or when she appeared one evening and i was left alone in the kitchen while they joked about in his office for 4 hours giggling and totally ignoring me. He really does not see that any of this is in any way unfair but only that i have issues and am just being irrational. I have tried so hard to keep telling myself that this is not the man i have loved all these years but his illness that is making him behave in this way. I kept hoping he would somehow have to end up back on medication and everything would be as before and he would see how cruel he has been. But now, 5 months later, and after him having fallen out with so many people because of his behaviour, i have to accept that , illness or not, this is him . It is so very difficult to walk away from someone you love, someone that you still shared the bed with{although sometimes he would get up after sex to continue messaging}But for your own self esteem it has to be done. THe last straw for me was the other night when we were sitting chatting, him with i pad in hand, and i saw him quickly messaging to his "friend", "Can't talk at the moment...my mum is here!!"Yet he assures me he does not hide me from others....I don't have the answer as to how you can make the break or get on with your life...i only finally moved out yesterday so am trying to figure it out myself..He thinks it is me throwing away the last 10 years and thinks we can continue as before but with me not living with him,,He has also deceided that we have never actually been in a relationship and that we were never partners/ boyfriend/ girlfriend. That was just a label other people gave it. I now feel stupid having spent so long with someone that i supposedly was not ever in a relationship with, living, eating, sleeping, sociallising together did not actually mean that according to him. So now he wants to still be with me, when it suits him and no one else is around but by saying he is single and not in arelationship with me means i have no right to question anything he does. I feel like i have been kicked in the stomach and so hurt that the last 10 years seem to have meant nothing to him...I think that if he never set eyes on me again he would not loose any sleep over it....Iam either with him or against him....he has now found his other half he says and that is himself..he says i want all or nothing and if i choose to throw it all away then it is my choice... I have given up trying to make him see it is not all i want but only to be respected by the man who claims to love me but acts in a totally different way. he will not acknowledge that his illness has any affect on him, it is only the other idiots like me that don't get it. Somehow i have to find the courage to stay away and let him get on with the life he seems to want at the moment. Being BI Polar can not be an excuse..i can't let myself become a victim too.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 My guess is that he is insecure because he knows that he is treating you wrong, and he is probably scared that you will treat him with the same disrespect. Maybe you would both benefit with going to couples counselling to sort through your issues. If he is not opening up and his communication has broking down then the relationship will come to an end eventually. Sit with him ask him will he put in the effort to make it work and book an appointment. In the mean time yes he needs to find something to do as sitting around the house all day with nothing to do is just leading him in to more temptation to flirt with others. He is craving attention, which he shouldn't be doing if the relationship was working, that is why I suggest the counselling so you both know where you stand with one another and help to improve the relationship and trust.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your time, patience and valuable advice. Will keep everything in mind before making any concrete decision.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, demeplev  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 why do you want justification for something you deep down believe is wrong, your trying to see some good out of a very disrespectful position, no one, ill or not, treats the person they supposedly love with the lack of respect you have indicated..he doesn't seem to want nor is he ready for a serious relationship.He keeps looking to flirt and proposition other girls, how do you justify allowing anyone to do that to YOU? you're too beautiful to allow yourself to be made a fool. I understand being unable to pull away..bondgirl is right, then just deal with it....but you deep down know that isnt right either.love yourself enough to put an end to your pain. peace and love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a ton, both of you.
In particular aunthonesty, I really appreciate your take on the entire issue.
I've discussed in every single detail how his infidelity has crashed my world down and that he needs to convert his words into action. I'd been busy for the last two months and that's the sole reason I couldn't provide him with the time he demanded. That's the reason for our dormant sex life too. Communication was poor as well (from his side, because I've always had time to talk to him regardless my busy schedule)and moreover, he's lost his job around June and sits back at home all the time( while I've got my work to do, he feels ignored and secluded!). I urge him always to get a job or a new hobby or even a new diploma at the earliest because an idle brain is the devil's workshop. And he needs to be appreciated, it's like what a sleeping pill is to the insomniac.
One very weird thing I've observed is that he's very insecure and is jealous to see me working while he sits idle at home. He's never confessed this to me, but I've got the vibes. One more reason is that educationally I'm more qualified than him and it hurts his male ego.
Things are getting complicated as I broke into his Facebook account and saw messages like "let's do something progressive, let's meet up.", (no reply from the girl) and he went "hey, i was only kidding." Now how do I justify this? His words and actions are not going hand in hand.
Can you suggest anything?
Thanks again for your precious time and patience. :)
Regards.
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female
reader, demeplev +, writes (3 October 2012):
My EX-Husband is bipolar...is an awful decision maker, didnt have to leave him, he finally left with someone else....lesson learned..mentally ill people will take you on a roller coaster ride and if have children..YOU NEVER GET OFF THAT AWFUL GUT WRETCHING RIDE... DONT WALK AWAY, RUN!!!!!
and no not all people with mental illness make bad decisions but if hes already exhbiting bad choices forget his mental illness use the bad behavior as a foreshadowing to how much worse things could get...ps my daughter is bipolar, ocd, adhd, ld and Aspergers...and I wish for her to have a beautiful life, but honestly she will take someone(a man eventually) for a ride unimaginable..and it makes me sad but its reality.
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Please do not allow him to use being bi-polar as an excuse for his poor choices. Bi-polar people can have high-highs and low-lows, but they still know the difference between right and wrong.
However, you have already said it would be impossible to break up with him, so what makes the difference. Since you have said that, I would have to tell you to just "deal with it" then.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (2 October 2012):
You say it is impossible to break up with him, but on the other hand you may end up feeling more alone and unhappy in this relationship than if you where not in it. You need to ask him why he felt he done it and show him that it is not okay to behave like this. He needs to win back your trust now and prove to you that he will not do this again. You have to make him see that he has not got away with this. Tell him how much this has hurt you, say you are willing to give him a second chance but he will need to work hard on proving that he will not hurt you like this again. If he feels he got away with it he will keep on doing it to you. Do not allow his illness to get the blame for him flirting with other women. You both need to sit and discuss this and openly and honestly tell each other what you both need out of this relationship in order for it to work and for you to be happy. Talk to him and ask him what he feels is missing in the relationship and try and work on the issues. What is the reason your sex life went down hill? Try talking about that and getting that back on track. Communication is key here and you both need to work hard to work things out.
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