A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 28 and have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I recently made new friends and they have introduced me to smoking cannabis again. This is something I have not done since I was about 18. My girlfriend hates it though and has gone from a nice loving woman to a total nag. She wouldn't get in a car with me the other day because I had smoked a few hours before, and she was saying it was as bad as drink driving and I didn't care if I killed someone including her. How can I get her to stop overreacting and chill out and accept me for who I am? Everyone else is cool with it and it's not a big deal to anyone but her. I don't agree with anyone trying to change their partner but this is what she is trying to do with me. Surely I have the right to do what I want when I want? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, peteloevely  +, writes (10 December 2012):
 she is not trying to change you! you were not doing that when she met her... you are the one who is expecting her to change... she went from a loving woman to a complete nag... you say! Well, you went from an average none smoking guy to a guy who smokes marihuana, what? Almost daily?... soo you changed on her, suddenly and she does not agree with it, it is her choice to no agree with it! But you want her to be ok with it.
i don’t think she is in the wrong here... it is all good and well that you smoke it because you believe in the benefits of it (i suppose) or that is not so bad or better than alcohol! but no everyone feels that way, some would say you are imposing yourself up on her as she does not feel about cannabis like you do!...
of course no one else cares as much as she does, no one else has to kiss you directly in the mouth, smell you closely, share a bed with you or get intimate with you! She cares more that other people, I wonder why?
*Example:* how would you feel if you met this girl who has a million things in common with you, healthy with a good knowledge of the culinary, sporty, and suddenly, after a few years she stops sporting, does no shower, does not eat healthy, in fact she is happy with stuffing her face and living a sedentary life?... she is always there sitting on her sofa, but you are not happy with that! you disagree with a way of living you think is fatal to a human body?... would you try and convince her to leave what you believe is an unhealthy way of living?... of course you would, you would not let someone you care for, throw their lives away like that, even if they don’t believe what they are doing is that bad!
I don’t know whether this is a deal breaker for your girlfriend, but unfortunately, it would be for me, everyone has their own idea of a healthy life style is...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): Here read my reply to this question and you'll see what her problem is.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/weed-seems-more-important-to-him-than-our.html
"How can I get her to stop overreacting and chill out and accept me for who I am?"
It's not who you are, it's who you're choosing to be at the moment. Have you smoking spliffs since you were a baby? No, it's a hobby and lifestyle choice you made and now you're accepting her to just accept something she didn't sign up for.
Look forget all that, it's illegal bullshit we both know it shouldn't be and besides everyone does illegal stuff and getting stoned is on the lower end of the scale. I did it for ten years and never fucked anyone over, never broke any other laws or turned into some psycho junkie.
"I don't agree with anyone trying to change their partner but this is what she is trying to do with me."
But you're the one who changed OP, you're the one who changed who you are and are expecting her to accept that. You shouldn't try and change your partner, of course not but equally you cannot just change yourself and expect your partner to be happy with that either. She didn't get in to a relationship with a stoner OP, it's unfair for you to just completely change who you are and not expect her to have a problem with that. She's not trying to change you, she's trying to get back the guy she fell in love with.
And yeah, driving while stoned is a stupid thing to even suggest and it is as bad as drink driving.
"Surely I have the right to do what I want when I want?"
Of course you do, but she also has a right not to have to accept that doesn't she?
OP she's not overreacting and she doesn't need to chill out, she just wants the boyfriend she loves back, the guy she got together with because his lifestyle was similar to hers and you worked well. You're the one who changed all that and now you're a guy she can't share her life with because you've changed your lifestyle, all she's trying to do is save this relationship. She can't be with a stoner so it's her or the weed.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 December 2012):
 IF you are going to break the law (and it’s federally illegal and illegal in most states) to smoke cannabis, you can’t expect your partner to accept it.
You were not a user when you guys became a couple, so clearly that was what she wanted.
YOU have changed by becoming a user of marijuana. And she chooses not to be around it and that’s FINE. YOU made a choice. The consequences of this choice are that you will be a SINGLE pot smoker as your GF is going to leave you over it. And that’s FINE. IT’s her choice. She’s not trying to change who you are…. She just wants back who you were. YOU don’t want to be that person any more and that’s fine. BUT it’s her choice to leave who you have become.
NOW, I won’t get in a car with a person who’s been drinking and let them drive. I won’t drive when I’ve had a drink or two. I will also NOT get in a car and drive when someone is high or I am high. IF we want marijuana to be a legal drug in the USA we have to respect that it’s a DRUG and it does impair us and driving while under the influence of pot will always be illegal. AND IT SHOULD BE.
She was NOT over reacting.
You do have the right to do what you want. You do NOT have the right to expect her to accept this new behavior. YOU also do NOT have the right to put me at risk by driving while under the influence… DRUNK DRIVERS go to jail. So do HIGH drivers.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 December 2012):
Seriously?
I think you should let her go so she can go find herself a guy who ins't reverting back to his immature high school self.
I hope to goodness that she will stop nagging and just dump you.
I'm not a huge "I hate pot" person, but I would NEVER date anyone who smoked it, because most of the people I have met who smoke pot/cannabis stops caring about anyone and anything besides their pot-smoking.
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A
male
reader, learnNlive +, writes (10 December 2012):
Smoking cannabis is legal in state of Washington. Colorado has also repealed the federal law against the recreational use of marijuana. Many states (14 of them + city of Detroit) have decriminalized their laws against recreational use of marihuana. Seventeen (17) states and District of Columbia allow marijuana to be used for medicinal purposes. Twelve (12) other states 'have pending legislation for medical legalization'.
You should maybe ask your gf how does she know that driving under the influence of alcohol is same as driving while under the influence of marijuana.
She is not down with it - it seems. It might be because she didn't see you as a guy that would smoke marijuana. Since she is not down with it she might not be down with you smoking it and eventually she might not be down with you. She might feel that you smoking marijuana might bring troubles to you (as a couple and you in particular). Maybe she would want to start a family with you one day and thinks smoking cannabis might get in the way of those plans.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 December 2012):
 Very well said, Cindy. Fantastic advice!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 December 2012):
 Do you have the right to do what you want when you want ?
Certainly not. In your country cannabis possession consumption of drugs are illegal in most States, and driving under the influence of drugs, both prescription and illegal, is against the law in ALL States, including permissive ones like California.
Cannabis can be detected in your saliva or bloodstream up to 30 days , so, if you want to keep your driving licence, it makes a lot of sense to follow your gf's advice to not toke and drive.
As for her attempts to " change " what you are, ...why, is being a pothead your essence, the value you identify yourself with ?... Who are you, Tommy Chong ? ....
We are not talking about core values, she is not tryng to make you change your religion, or political affiliation, renege your family or ethicity. She is simply reacting negatively to some habit that you have picked up recently. If you had gotten into the habit of picking your nose in public, you would not accuse her of wanting to " change " you when she disapproves.
She is not supposed to get along meekly with anything you do or say , particularly because 4 years ago she signed up for a drug-free boyfriend, from this point of view you are the one who's tryng to change her into the drug- friendly person that she obviously is not .
I don't see this ending peacefully, because she WILL keep nagging, and you will keep resenting her for her attacks to your " freedom " of driving under the influence etc.
Pretty soon, either one will get sick and tired , and call it quits.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 December 2012):
Let's get this straight -- you want her to accept you as a budding (hah!) illegal drug user and on-the-road-to-becoming-an-addict?
I wish she were here, because I'd tell her to stop nagging you and break up with you. The REASON she's nagging you is because she's not in high school or college anymore, but she's looking at you with the eyes of a mature woman sizing you up and seeing that your habit is making you a subpar partner in an adult relationship.
"She wouldn't get in a car with me the other day because I had smoked a few hours before, and she was saying it was as bad as drink driving and I didn't care if I killed someone including her."
She's NOT overreacting. A police officer would simply plant the cuffs on you if they smelled weed in your car. You know this, right? Even in Colorado, operating a motor vehicle under the influence is illegal.
You also choose friends that could be helping you be a better person, but instead are pot smokers? What, are you a follower? It's one thing if you wanted to be a helicopter pilot and she nagged you because she was afraid of you crashing, or if you wanted to be in the Marines, but she nagged you because she wanted you close to her. But pot smoking? Really? You're flushing your life down the toilet! I've known people who were fired from their jobs for failing a urine test. I had to do the firing!
You need to grow up. Your girlfriend is doing a kindness by bothering to nag you at all instead of simply dropping you and being with a guy who doesn't need a crutch like pot to prop his life up. Think about how stupid your stubborn fight is! You're no longer in high school or college, and your girlfriend has gotten that fact and is looking at you through the eyes of an adult who cares about her future's direction.
Wake up, or losing her will be the least of your problems.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 December 2012):
 *Sigh* The last time I picked that stuff up was high school. You're how old?? Come on now.
Unless you live in a state that approves it for medicinal uses and use it for that purpose, last time I checked it was still illegal. So no, you can't always do what you want.
Is a pot smoking 26-29yr old who you really are? Because it looks like your girlfriend fell in love with someone else. Whether you like it or not, you've changed since these new "friends" entered the scene. Your girlfriend sees that and doesn't like it one bit. Can you blame her?
She's trying to get you to be a responsible adult. Not some high school kid passing the pipe around and raiding the cupboards for snacks.
To answer your question: If she doesn't agree with the weed and you're not giving it up anytime soon. Then you need to let her go. Because I smell an ultimatum coming your way soon. The weed or her?
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