A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been together for two years now; got engaged a year ago. We're getting married in March (St. Patty's Day theme) and he's obsessed with video games.Now, of course I understand that guys and girls alike have an immense interest in video games. I'm hip to the modern world and even I enjoy playing them once in a while.But I'm starting to get annoyed at how often my fiance plays his video games. Yes, he works full-time to bring in a second income and we still carry on a GREAT sex life.But he almost never sleeps. And when he doesn't sleep, he's boring and kind of a jerk. I mean, he doesn't abuse me in any way, shape, or form but he's more firm when he talks. Like I can't do anything right.He plays his video games till 3 or 4am when he has work at 9am that morning. I like that he has a hobby when he comes home from work and has something to help him unwind when I can't, but sometimes it's too much.How do I get him to stop playing video games AS MUCH?Thanks.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (5 December 2010):
 Oh honey, if he's playing Call of Duty: Black Ops then you're not going to get him off of that. Don't even attempt it.
When it comes to marriage, which you are close to, you need to pick and choose your battles. I would consider this a minor one. This guy is a gamer, you cannot change that about him. Guys love to play video games, it's something to pass the time and you get to blow up your friends. Sounds like fun, but not to us women. Also, when they're on their game then that eats up time spent with us. That's where we start to have a problem. Now, the next part of marriage is compromise. You don't want to turn into the nagging, bitching wife and demand he get off the game system...So you sit him down, turn off the TV and game, ask him to limit his gaming time. You feel that it's interfering with time spent with you, and he's also staying up till wee hours of the night which isn't healthy for him. Offer what you feel is fair, maybe 3 hours of gaming during the week when he comes home from work and longer on the weekends. There's room for negotiation.
However, if he shoots down your compromise then you can either choose to accept it and take up hobbies while he does so, let him lose sleep. Or rethink who you're marrying because if he can't compromise on something this small, then I wonder how much trouble he would have compromising in a bigger issue.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 December 2010):
 Maybe I am not that hip to the modern world, but that sounds a bit worrisome to me.
Your bf is 20 or over I guess, should he not by now be a bit less fond of his videogames ?
My soon was a rabid videogamer in high school, he started naturally and gradually losing interest after that and now he won't touch the stuff.
Now,as a grown up woman who collects teddy bears and is planning to buy a doll house, I am the last on to dismiss other's people hobbies as silly or juvenile. But this is just ONE of my interests , for those moments in which I want to totally forget myself, in a way totally escape from reality ; then I have a lot of other more age appropriate interests.
What I am getting at , I guess, is - is your fiance' under a lot of stress, or unhappy with himself and his life- does he NEED a personal Wonderland where to take refuge and shut the rest of the world out ?
Is he worried about something, does he feel burdened with responsibilities ?...
It may not be that. But, just curious.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (5 December 2010):
 I think Abella's post is spot on... if it was about someone OLDER. But come on, a young guy just out of his teens who stays up late playing video games must have an addiction? What young guy DOESN'T like to do this? Many people spend a disproportionate amount of time on hobbies or activities they enjoy, and the fiance's time spent playing video games sounds totally age-appropriate. I don't know why everything has to be labeled an addiction these days; the word is bandied about so often and so inappropriately it's become meaningless. If we go by laymen's terms, any interest or habit seems to qualify as an addiction if it suits us. And domestic abuse? How many times when you guys were teenagers did you snap at your parents after staying out late with your friends, or because they were butting into your business, or because they disagreed with you? How many times did you try to make them feel like stupid idiots who don't know anything except how to say yes when you wanted something from them, like their car or some money? (If you weren't that sort of teenager, congratulations; you're a rarity). Was that domestic abuse? Weren't you verbally and emotionally abusing your parents and undermining their authority? Should they have abandoned you or sought shelter, maybe therapy? The fact is that sometimes a person, even one who loves us, just won't treat us the way we'd like to be treated all the time, and we have to deal with it if we want to be with them. It's not (always) abuse; it's just life and human nature. Therapists and pharmaceutical companies have made a lot of money trying to convince us otherwise, but that's the real deal.
I'm sorry for once again offending an original poster with what they don't want to hear, but it sounds like this is a simple case of two kids in their early twenties wanting to get married, and one MIGHT not be ready, and I can't say who that is.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (5 December 2010):
 Have you tried straight out talking to him about it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): A guy called Howard Sherman is supposed to have had some success helping others with Gaming Addiction.
Does your man have self esteem issues? He may need some help to understand the attraction of Gaming to him
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 December 2010):
 The games are like an addiction. He gets a big rush when he does well. He likes the competitive challenge of beating his opponents. His job will suffer if he eventually finds it affect his productivity at work.
Some people are more prone to being addictive in how they operate and get their thrills. Be it alcohol, gambling with money, drugs, gaming. The problem can be addressed, but he needs to want to address it.
And often an addict Will not address it until he reaches rock bottom.
In life always ask yourself, 'and what could this becomb?,
I am happy for you that the sex life is great. But that is not everything when it comes to creating a loving respectful relationship in a marriage
You mention that he hardly sleeps. Is he taking medication (amphetimines?) to keep him awake longer or huge amounts of coffee /caffeine to do the same? These could also make him jumpy and irritable. He is likely to not admit to taking such things, so just observe. These things ultimately could affect his heart and his health.
Like any addiction (his gaming) he will not get his life in better balance until he admits there is a problem.
The marriage is not far away. And you
mention that he speaks to you in a firm way and his way of speaking suggests that he thinks you can't do anthing right. And that he can be boring and a bit of a
jerk when he is awake. When he is speaking to you in this way, it actually IS verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can lead to other forms of abuse. Making you feel like you can't do anthing right is Undermining you. And doing this actually IS a form of emotional abuse.
Physical abuse is not the only form of domestic abuse.
What happens when you have children? And the baby cries in the night? He will be too busy gaming to help, and everything will fall to you.
Great sex is great, but it is not the sole criteria for a strong happy marriage.
You both need to make time to talk about this and many issues affecting your relationship.
This is the time to work it out, not after the marriage falls into the doldrums because you feel like a 'gaming widow'.
Ask him why the rush of Gaming has to take centre stage when you should be so enamoured with each other that discussing your future and spending time with you should be a first priority.
He might think he's one of the king of the Gamers. But if he closed up his gaming gear for six whole weeks no one in gaming world would notice. Nor care. Whereas you do care about him. Andif he showed he could take a break from gaming, you might get to discover more about him, and do more activities together. He's got you to
consider now.
But he's not being very considerate. Observe him over the Christmas break. If he can't be near his gaming gear, will he start to get irritable, jumpy and twitchy?
Search out information on google on addiction. And then on gaming addiction.
If he fiits the profile of one who is addicted discuss it with him and suggest he see a psychologist if he still refuses to curtail his gaming.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): To ThinkingBoutYou: Thanks. That does seem rather easy to get by with. Thanks. =]
To MsClara: Funny, my fiance is also an only child who grew up in the countryside. But he's definitely not anti-social; in fact, he can be kind of obnoxious sometimes. Or so people have told him... I don't see it, though. Maybe because he and I have very similar personalities? =]
To Nime: I understand your POV but I do not appreciate the rudeness. I didn't write out my post to get criticism. I wrote out my post to get answers. My fiance is actually a VERY mature and VERY smart man, he just plays video games a little too often. I only wanted help on how to ween him off them just a little bit. But thank you. =]
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A
female
reader, MsClara  +, writes (5 December 2010):
I completely understand. I have the same problem. My friend who's married does as well. She like to call us "battlefield widows"
To be honest I don't know. I wish I did. I find that suggesting things to do outside of our apartment helps. Like going to a walk or to the cinema, but if I tell him to stop playing as much he snaps at me that I just don't understand. It didn't go down very well when I told him that he was just being anti-social as a result of being an only child, growing up in the countryside who had no friends but had a Nintendo. I suggest you don't get psychological :)But try find something that you can do together after work etc.
It's hard to feel neglected by a computer programme, and even harder when you know it's making the man you love irritable and he doesn't see it.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (5 December 2010):
Why are you marrying someone who's boring and kind of a jerk??? The way I see it, if your relationship was mature enough for you two to marry, you would have talked this issue out and come to a compromise by now. Either you'd be playing games with your boyfriend more often to spend time together or you'd have designated days for him to game himself out as long as he kept his attitude in check, or something like that. Your situation kind of reminds me of that show Bridezilla, where the bride is rushing around like a slave-master trying to get the wedding plans moving while at the same time trying to force her (clearly not ready) fiance to grow up in time for Her Big Day. I hate to point it out, but if your boyfriend's age is 18-21 that means he's still a kid and he's gonna like his video games. Maybe you are too young for marriage?
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