A
male
age
51-59,
*omewhere86
writes:This is my life. I live with my girlfriend. I get up for work at 6am everyday and return around 7pm. My girlfriend does odd jobs and persues her creative work. We have not had a sexual relationship for well over a year. I don't really know how this started. My girlfiend, partner of the last 6 years, belives that being in a relationship means that one should always retain ones own friendships and life. She does not want me to be a part of certain areas of her life adn I have learnt not to ask her what she has been doing in the daytime. The result is that I know relatively nothing about her outside of the time we spend together. When I return from work I never know if she will return soon or in the early hours of the morning. Sometimes she returns and is hungry so we eat late. I am exhausted most of the time as I only get between 4 and 6 hours sleep per night due to trying to be available to see her for a while when she returns. She has many frineds and alsi likes to keep in touch with her ex's. She does not like to tell me about her meetings with her ex's and at the start I was hurt and upset. My mood lowered over many months and I felt insecure. After a while I became depressed and I sought professional help. I was in counselling for a year. She has admitted to not telling the truth to me on a regular basis. She says it is because she wants to 'live her life'. I have learnt never to ask a question about where she has been or what she has been doing even if she arrives home at 3am. She also rejected me for such a long time that I came to stop trying to be affectionate to her. She has told me that I am not her first choice but that I am someone who would be good to have children with. I feel awful about this. Second rate. Second choice and so my feelings for here have started to change. I still love her but she condiditoned me not o ever say that to her because she couldn't cope with it. Now she wants to have a child and wants to move to a larger place.I find her behaviour difficult to deal with and as most of her ex's do not give me the time of day, and she will not allow me to accompany her to some of her social activities - I feel outcast. I am at a loss what to do next. In addition I have pressure from my own family.My mother is not well and lives 150 miles away and has had so much emotional trauma in her life that now she cannot contain her feelings. She calls me or leaves messages for me through the night, in the day time while I am trying to work. I cannot clearly describe how things are but she cries and screams and shouts sometimes for the whole message. Today I had 11 messages and the each message was the maximum time allowed by my network. My father has demtentia and is forgetting more and more. They divorced 30 years ago and the guy she was having a relationship with tried to commit suicide by shooting himself.I try to visit as much as I can at weekends or by taking a couple of days off work but I find it more and more exhausting. Work has started to become a kind of sanctuary. Emotionally it allows to me to forget what is happening in my life and feel normal. At work I am considered calm, patient and professional. Inside I am just grateful of anyone or anything which diverts my attention. I look at the clock at work and dread going back to my life. I sit in the car not wanting to start the journey home, knowing that all I will do is wonder if my partner is coming home or not, or whether I should cook.I may need to walk away but I feel trapped and unable to move. If anyone has any thoughts I would be grateful.
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at work, depressed, divorce, her ex, insecure, trapped Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): Is very sad to hear about this, but you have to be BRAVE and proud of yourself and MOVE ON!!
You are the only one in the whole earth that can live with a life like that.
You have your own life, don't be on hold for her.
Maybe go to South America or Asia and find a TRUE WOMAN who can respect you and love you as you DESERVE.
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (26 February 2011):
 I feel bad for you. From the sounds of things your home life with your parents was hard. Now you're with a woman who is using you. It's been my experience when someone doesn't want you to know what they're doing it's for their best interest not yours. In other words, from what you've written I'd say she's having sex with one or more people from her group of exes and friends.Do you think compared to life with your parents life with this woman 'aint so bad'?Tell the woman to get out. If you don't already, join a gym and go regularly even if it's just for a 30 minute walk on a treadmill. You'll feel better and you'll make new friends. It's better to live in peace and quiet by yourself than continue with this woman. Women like the one you describe here are 'a dime a dozen'. I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Your girlfriend has made it very clear to you that she has her own life and you are not a part of it. Its a very convenient relationship for her, and honestly, not many people would have accepted all that you have. Actually, I dont even understand why you call it a relationship, when clearly there is no understanding from the other person, a total disregard for your feelings, no love making....nothing that would classify your being together as a "relationship". You are a convenient option, a mute spectator, and a sperm donor when the time comes.
There has to be a reason why you're still sticking in it. What is that reason? If your life with her has come to the point where you dread going home and you dont even know if she would be around or not, then why are you two still together? Or rather, why are you still with her? Her point is understandable...she would never find such an amazing no- strings -attached "relationship", so of course she's not leaving you. But why are you still in it?
If you want a solution to this, either you communicate with her and tell her clearly that this cannot go on any longer. Maybe if you really love each other, you can work it out. If not, break up with her, take some time off, spend more time with your parents, just generally be on your own. Trust me, its better to live alone and be happy. Im a lot younger to you, but I'm telling you this from my own experience...its much better to be alone that be with someone you're not happy with.
Dont feel trapped...its just a mental block within you. Take a decision. Take the plunge. Its all in your hands.
All the best...hope this helps...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): If you were my boyfriend this is what I would do:1. Tell you clearly where I am and who I am seeing.2. Ask you to come with me to social events - unless it is a girls night out or so on.3. Make sure you got enough sleep4. Make you a nice meal at least as much as you did for me, when you get home from work5. Talk to you about your mother and your father and help you to put limits on how accessible you are to them and also to put a structure in place for seeing them, so that everyone knows where they stand and you are not constantly "on call".6. Make sure that you have hobbies and people of your own to see so that you are having a good time outside of work7. NEVER tell you that you are not my "first choice" but that you are, rather, the most amazing man in the world8. Make love to you9. One way or another stamp "He's mine, hands off" because, sweetheart, you sound like a good, good man who is being treated like an absolute doormat.My advice- dump her!!! Get yourself esteem back and look for someone who is giving just as much to you as you to them.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Hi, sorry to hear your story... You sound like a wonderful man & deserve peace & happiness in your life...
I understand things are difficult right now, but you need to put your mind in peace to deal w/ur problems.. All the advices giving to you are great & these people are very correct.. I hope you take some of the advices. You need a vacation, away from your mother, specially your girlfriend.. She's sounds like a very selfish person & don't deserve a man like you... I don't understand her motives..I know you've been together a long time but all doesn't matter if your partner doesn't appreciate you..
Most important thing here is you!!!! You need to relax, take time for yourself, have a healthy normal life. Don't feel depress because everybody have problems, illness, financial problems, you are not alone, but its harder when your girlfriend is basically destroying you..
Forget the amount of time you both are together, forget the past, you need to break up w/her & move on.. Partners are supposed to be the one that respect you, make you happy, care about you, share lives, no secrets, support you, basically your best friend" & with your girlfriend you have none of that!!!
Remember, your relationship is not normal, you deserve far much better!!! Pls, move on as soon as possible & start taking care of you! Life is too short, precious & don't waste anymore time w/your girlfriend..
When you meet the right woman, you'll understand what I am trying to say now, also your future partner if she really loves you & care about you, will also help w/ur family problems!!!
Wish you the best luck, hope you feel better soon, its all up to you!!!
Pls keep us update!
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (26 February 2011):
Tell her you have doubts about whether you have a future together. I bet if she contemplates moving out and finding a job in this economy, she'll get a whole lot of perspective real quick on appeasing your misgivings. Not to mention the prospect of finding someone else to have kids with? (I'm assuming she's somewhere near your age...) You have the upper hand here. It's time she realized that. I think she'll respect you more for manning up.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 February 2011):
 you are obviously a good and reasonable man. the fact that you function well at work tells me this is so.
And thank goodness you have work as your sanctuary. But apart from work you have no support network. Even worse you have two females, who you feel responsible towards, making your life hell.
Your mother is possibly older than 70 and may even be very difficult to live with.
She is your mother, and I can see that you try to do right by her. But her behavior is utterly unreasonable. It may be that your mother needs immediate medical attention as she appears unstable. Without directly suggesting that see if there is a female relative who could take your mother for a full medical assessment. But as you are not a medical specialist you cannot personally diagnose nor provide the professional care that your mother possibly needs.
Either turn your phone off at 5pm daily and do not turn it on again until breakfast time.
Or Change your mobile number, if that is possible. And get your mother a press button alarm to wear around her neck.
So that if she is in distress in any way she can alert the provider.
Then the provider will call Be it police, fire, ambulanbe. Or you. Explain to your mother how unreasonable and hurtful her behavior is, if you have not already
done so.
Your girl friend is entirely different. With her you have No quality of life. You are
nothing more than cook and the lodger, even if you are living in your own home.
Your Gf treats you with contempt and disrespect. And now she wants you to father a child for her? Yet she sees her ex Bfs? And possibly new men as well? She goes out all hours. And comes home when it pleases her. Will she be any different if a child enters this relationship? I think not. You will spend the next 20 years being the resident house husband while she is out enjoying herself.
She is not even proud enough of you to be seen out with you very often. One can only imagine how she speaks about you, behind your back. Especially as her men friends view you with some contempt.
Visit a lawyer pronto to get your financial affairs quarantined from her clutches for when you dump her.
Because for your own self preservation and your own self respect you do need to show this woman the door.
Don't feel bad about doing so. Men dump women every day for far less than what you put up with.
She no longer fancies you as a sexual partner (except to father a baby sometime in the near future). Do not fall for this ploy. She needs you only as a convenience. But she knows that having a child with you will tie her to you emotionally and financially for the next 20 years. She is setting you up for her financial sting. Ensure your lawyer also records how long since you had sex (not made love - this woman is not in love with you). She recognises you are tiring of her too - hence the 'get him to father a child' ploy.
Once you have moved on emotionally go book a cruise. Go alone. Cruises are full of women and short on men. You will be an instant success on such a cruise and may meet a nice woman who will treat you with more respect than your current minx.
If you stay with this USER of a woman your own health is likely to suffer. You certainly do need a better quality of life and some better friends than you have now. You also need more sleep. Less pressure. Less worry. More life balance.
Join a local group that does good in the community. Get involved in a group that shares an interest you enjoy. Give preference to groups that have plenty of women around your age group. If having a child is important then go for younger women, but do not allow any woman to use and abuse you. As occurs right now.
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A
male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (26 February 2011):
 My dear friend, I usually don't read such long entries but yours was so well written and i could realize from the first few lines what you are going through.Your woman has some very bad and unacceptable manners that, from what I understand, you tolerate because you love her. This woman drains you! She said 'I want to live my life'...'you are my second choice' and other. All these indicate a very self-centered woman, a narcissist!! She is clearly with you to 'use you'. You are her shoulder-to-cry-man while she lives her life and probably she is having sex with her exs. Auch, I know this hurts, but face the reality don't ignore it. How convenient for her! Ask yourself what does this woman offer you??My advice: Get out of this 'relationship' immediately! That's the only way to find your peace. Be a man and no longer tolerate her unacceptable behavior. Kick her out of your life and interrapt any contact. Focus on giving confort and love to the woman who loves you the most, your mother who seems to need your care more than ever. Best wishes my friend!
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A
female
reader, Carmy +, writes (26 February 2011):
There are men and there are mouses, you're the one whose feeling trapped... and by not demanding and asserting certain limits from your girlfriend your telling her she can do anything and you"ll put up with it. I have to tell you from a woman's perspective, we like our mice in the beginning, but don't respect them in the long run. Get in touch with your masculinity. It doesn't mean lifting weights and wearing wife beaters, just try to think about your limits and how you want to be treated. If you like being walked on stay a carpet, but we both know you don't. do you put off a feminine energy? Or does she put off masculine energy? The opposites attract in the beginning, but now your weak in her eyes. I know ...bitches be crazy. Do some self searching or at least read a book on boundaries, yours, you can only help yourself. I hope I helped a little. Your a nice guy, but you are entitled to respect!
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A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Hello the best way to gain clarity is to seek counselling. You have a lot of negative things happening in your life at present and its easy to get 'bogged down' by it all. So you could try seeking a good counsellor in your area for evening appointments. Im sure it would help you a lot.
Your partners wishes seem to dominate this relationship. You mention her wants and needs but not your own. Why are her needs, some of which sound quite unreasonable, being met but not your own? If she wont listen to or respect your needs, you have to ask yourself why you are still with her. What is it about her that you love? Why do you feel your own needs are not worth standing up for, yet you respect and meet hers? You are unhappy because you are being emotionally abused. Counselling will help you discover the reasons why you are prepared to tolerate this situation and help you find a way to either change things or leave.
As for your mother. Does she have a diagnoses condition? Phoning you in the night, shouting and crying ect is not normal behaviour. Most of us have suffered emotional trauma of some sort in our lifetimes. That doesnt mean we all shout and scream down a phone all night! So it might be an idea to arrange for her to be medically assessed if she hasnt been already. And on a practical note. If you are feeling exhausted, get more sleep. Problems always feel worse when you are tired. Aim for a good 8 hours a night.
When you are sitting in your car wondering if your partner will be home. Just call her and ask. Let her know you will be eating early and retiring at a sensible hour. If she wants to share time with you, she can cut short whatever it is shes doing in the evenings and return home to spend time with you. I really hope you do seek some counselling. In the meantime, dont be tempted to go along with your partners plan for a family and moving. She rejects your affection and has told you that you are her second choice, so please dont be talked into doing anything you will surely regret later. Hang in there and find a good counsellor. Things will improve for you when you start putting your needs first. All the best.
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A
male
reader, Love-Actually +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Alright it sounds like your lady is emotionally and physically unavailable for you... This does not exactly mean she is having a physical relationship with her ex's but clearly she IS getting the attention and emotional support she's looking for from them or someone else...If you've been involved this long and cannot talk about her daily activities, THIS IS A BAD SIGN!!! Six years, bro? If you genuinely WANT to work things out-you'll NEED couples counseling! Communication is key and here there seems to NONE...As painful as it may be to cut off an infected limb, now is the time to do so-before she poisons your entire body to death... 6 years is plenty of time to realize that things won't work themselves out... But again, if you disagree, START COMMUNICATING AND GET COUNSELING!!!!
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (26 February 2011):
 You may not have sex for over a year but I bet your girlfriend has. Ooops I mean your roommate. Because that is what she has become, whether you chose to admitt it or not. It also sounds like you earn more then she does and probably pay most of the bills as well. And I'd be real suspicious if she does all of a sudden want to have sex with you after such a long absence. She may have already conceived that child without you...If you do make more then her, you need to face the facts that she has been using you for your income and abiltiy to put a roof over her head without her having to do anything to earn it. Either way, my advise to you is to wake the hell up and stop being a doormat for this woman. Its one thing for a girl to have some time to herself or an occasional night out with her friends but the situation you are discribing is just rediculous. No sane man would put up with this just to hang onto a woman. Especially a woman that isn't even sleeping with him.It's time to take your power back and tell this woman that the free ride is over. Give her 2 weeks to find another place to live and pack her shit and go. Things have gotten so bad that you probably wont even miss her, you'll just feel relief that she is finally gone. It would actually healthful for you if you could allow yourself to get a little angry with her about the situation and with yourself for letting go on so long. I think you have been bottled up for so long that you have completely shut down emotionally. Do you realize that we teach people how to treat us in relationships? Well she has taught you to pay the bills and leave her completely alone to do whatever the hell she wants. And you have taught her that it is ok to treat you like a doormat that wont fight back for anything. Even his dignity. Please don't allow this to continue.
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