A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:In college I had a friend named "Jon." He was a stage actor and while he was not conventionally handsome he was a leading man in the style of Gérard Depardieu. He was a decent guy and he had a lot a women interested in him at various points. "Jon" wasn't my best friend or anything, but we hung out and compared notes about girlfriends - mostly his since I did not have as much success with the ladies. Well, "Jon" dated the woman who eventually became my girlfriend well before I did. He told me about some of their adventures and his impression was that she was very sexually adventurous which is saying a lot because he was with a lot of women. They were together for less than a year. I was not the next guy she dated but eventually we ended up together. I did not see much of that sexual adventurousness in her and I figured either he was lying or else we just needed time to gel. It didn't matter because I was falling in love with her. I assumed it would come with time.Flash forward a few years and now we are considering marriage. However, our sex life has not been good at all. There are so many things that she did with my friend that she has still never done with me such as bondage. He used to tie her up and blindfold her and that is something we have never done. He also said that she loved to give blowjobs and loved to consume his cum. She has given me only one blowjob and hasn't even tasted mine.I wasn't sure if he was telling the truth so I asked her some pointed questions and she told me that: "Those are things I am not interested in now." I sort of get it. I mean, just because she did something once doesn't mean she is obligated to do it forever. A good example is sex during her period. She said she tried it once, didn't like it, and is done with it. I respect that. However, I asked her if she would do some of those things with some other guy (if we broke up) and she said: "Probably." There is a lot I am omitting but she said it is a matter of sexual chemistry and ours is different. She said that my friend was the kind of guy who was her "dream guy" (physically) and then she finally had him and decided she didn't like him in the end which is why she is with me. That makes me feel good, but I am still jealous that she had a sexual chemistry with him that she doesn't have with me. She feels that because I don't inspire those same lustful feelings in her she shouldn't have to please me in the same ways. That may be true but it is hurtful to me and makes me feel like a second class citizen. I am really struggling if I should leave her or what to do. I can't go forever without oral sex, especially knowing she was very eager to do it with others. She thinks I am being petty and immature but is unwilling to compromise in any way. She says our relationship is deeper than about sex and my obsession with our sex life (and hers before me) is infantile. I am not sure I agree because I feel dissatisfied and inferior. It causes me a lot of anguish.How can I convince her that this is emotionally damaging to me and not just about my pleasure? I really am considering breaking the whole relationship off because I feel her attitude is callous and uncaring. When I tell her that she says I am pathetic for my focus on sex.
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best friend, blow-job, broke up, immature, jealous, oral sex, period, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2015): Its like if your GF compared notes with your ex-GF and discovered that you used to spend more money on your ex, buy her jewelry, go on more romantic dates, vacations, etc.
Then whenever your current GF wants any of those things you say "My past is my business! I wasn't comfortable doing those things with my ex! I felt like I had to do it just to keep her! Why can't I just be the REAL ME around you? You have no right to be unhappy about my past like this!"
Technically, you would be within your rights to treat your new GF differently from your ex.
But realistically, any idiot can see why this makes your new GF feel like she is missing out and is not as special to you.
A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (7 August 2015):
My own much beloved wife participates very happily in all of the activities you mentioned, and enjoys them very much. We've been together for over ten years and she doesn't 'acquiesce'; instead very often she'll instigate enthusiastically. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your tastes or your desires. Just find someone you love, with whom you are sexually compatible. I assure you that whoever she is, is on the same hunt, with the same criteria and I hope you find one another. This will take time and a lot of interaction mixed with rejection until you find one of The Ones For You (everyone has a few people who would make an excellent spouse) but if life doesn't involve finding out how the more interesting half of humanity thinks, what's the point of it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015): 'She feels that because I don't inspire those same lustful feelings in her'If this is what she told you then you're better off without her.' 'However, I asked her if she would do some of those things with some other guy (if we broke up) and she said: "Probably."'What a horrible thing to say! Everyone is having a go at you but I don't think she's an angel in all this. She admits that she is withholding from you, the supposed love of her life, something she is hypothetically happy to give another hypothetical guy as long as he inspires lust in her? Wow. And you're supposed to be ok with that and not feel hurt and yes DEPRIVED and unloved.If she did love you, she would at least experiment with you. I don't mean that everyone should do what their partner wants. Far from it.I mean she's admitted that she's not saying no because she doesn't like it in principle. She's saying no because she doesn't want to do it WITH YOU. But she might do it with someone else. That is not only hurtful but callous. However, our sex life has not been good at all.'This is Tue crux of your problem and ultimately why you ought to split up with her.Good is a relative term. Your sex is not measuring up to your expectations. It is unfortunate that Jon's escapade informed your expectations but how were you to know you would end up with her? You can't unknow what you know. And knowing what you do know, It's almost natural that you feel disappointed and resentful.You've been villified here for your feelings but I'll go out on a limb and say your feelings are real and legitimate. She never promised you all those things, that is correct, but she according to her own words doesn't feel that sexual spark with you.I don't think you're breaking up with her over not getting blowjobs. I think it's more nuanced than other aunts have made it out to be.My advice is to leave before your self esteem is completely down the toilet and find someone who not only wants to rip your clothes off, but won't be callous enough to tell you that she might carry out your fantasies, just not with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2015): It comes down to this:You ask 'How can I convince my girlfriend that my sexual needs do matter?'She's asking 'How can I get him to respect my boundaries and take my desires into account as well as his own?'Neither of you are wrong, you just have different wants and there is no way to compromise on this without one of you being miserable.So I'm afraid it looks like that's it for your relationship. PS - I'd encourage you to work out whether your sex life is actually BAD, or whether it's just not as wild as you believed it would be? There's a big difference between the two.PPS - most people have a few sexual dealbreakers. Don't fall into the trap of thinking 'if she loved me she should...' as it doesn't work like that. Work out what you need and what are the 'nice to haves'.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (6 August 2015):
You are far too young to remain enmeshed in a situation like this. Part ways with her politely but decisively- it won't be difficult, because she's not actually into you very much. Then find someone with whom you can cavort properly. Repeat as necessary, learn to handle rejection while doing so, and having learned a lot more about the female mind you'll be ready to settle down in your mid-late 30s with someone a decade or so younger than that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2015): Your post sounds contrived to me. A lot like you assumed she did certain things with exes and now you have sexpectations. These sexpectations also sound a lot like porn
Whether or not she did things with exes is frankly none of your business. I have a few years on you and very open communication with female friends and also younger females. I know very few who participate in all you mention
I think, yes leave , but more for her sake than yours. No woman deserves a man who expects her to act like a porn actress
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 August 2015):
 Gerard Depardieu is also the guy who drank too much, peed on the aircraft floor and got kicked out.
I read every answer and think everyone has a point. I still think you should leave her. Maybe the sexual conversation with Jon happened before you even met your current girlfriend. It was just unfortunate that you knew too much. I don't think she is an insensitive person as she sounds, but the message is loud and clear, that you two have little chemistry. She may be embarrassed that you found out her past history, and she reacted but she was honest. Her bluntness forces you to make a decision, take it or leave it. At this point she can't sugar coat things because she knew very well that this issue can drag on forever.
She either liked her past experience or not. I believed she liked it because she said he inspired that kind of lust. So she cannot use the excuse that she moved on from it and doesn't need that kind of sex anymore. Her logic is that if she finds a new guy who's hot, she would be doing all kinds of things.
In dating I have a rule. Never date anyone whom your friend dated.
Many people have pasts. However some would compartmentalize sex and love so much that they just can't put kinky and serious love together without feeling cheapened. It's almost saying that a good guy can never want kinky sex. I disagree that wanting more than vanilla sex means focusing on sex too much. She's just frustrated that you are a good guy, things are going well but there's no chemistry. She's hoping you believe her bs about you being immature so she won't lose a good man and a good relationship. Does that mean you have to suck it up and accept being second citizen. Of course not.
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A
male
reader, IanHenryCooper +, writes (5 August 2015):
 Do you think she will suddenly be more amenable to your needs once you are married?
I will get flamed for this, but let me quote the old joke....
Q) What is the finest known killer of a woman's sexual desires?
A) Wedding cake!
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (5 August 2015):
You can't make her see or do anything. She's made it quite clear that she's not interested in that sort of sex, regardless of what she may or may not have done in the past.
Of course you are more than entitled to go looking for a girlfriend who is happier giving oral sex and being tied up and all the rest of it, and no-one would judge you for that. You can't however simply expect her to comply with everything you want because you were, to put it bluntly, tacky enough to discuss her sexually with another guy and build up all of these expectations that she not once promised you.
She has at no point misled you about who she is, you've done that all on your own by focusing on the fantasy version of her fed to you by your friend, rather than who she has shown herself to be from the beginning of your relationship. Just because you have secretly been hoping she'd turn into this adventurous sex kitten doesn't mean she owes you that.
If this is simply about you having different preferences in bed then you should definitely leave and find someone else who is more compatible. However, I have a feeling that you wouldn't have thought of all of these kinky ideas if your actor friend hadn't planted the seed, and now you're acting all hard done to now becsuse you feel entitled to them.
I actually feel really sorry for her, as not only has she been let down by your friend for shooting his mouth off, but you're letting her down by making out she's disappointed you simply by being her true self.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2015):
 Ah... Amen to Tisha's advice.
I think it's VERY unfair that you have this incredible sense of entitlement as to WHAT your GF should do sexually with you.. because she MAY or MAY NOT have done x,y and z with an ex. And ex who BRAGGED to you about her skills ages ago.
You do not OWN her sexuality. It's like when young boy starting out their sexual life, gets angry that the girl they date doesn't want to have sex after 2 week, because she has already had sex before - so the cat should be out of the bag... She had sex with another guy so clearly HE deserves sex from her too.. NO he doesn't.
Or the guy who meet a former porn star. He is SO excited because he think he will now get the kinkiest dirtiest nastiest sex EVER, and she is utterly vanilla. She actually ins't into sex that much any more - after having been exploited for year. All she wants is for someone to see HER and love HER.
If you two don't have the kind of sexual chemistry YOU want, maybe SHE isn't the one for you.
Maybe.. you shouldn't have started dating her in the first place. I mean did you date her because you were aware of her sexual escapades with "the actor" ? Or did you start dating her because you genuinely liked her as a person?
And I fully agree with Cary (as usual) you have a touch of RJ (look up YoS here on DC and read his post/advice on that subject.
She isn't going to change, what you see is what you get. It's up to you to decide if you are satisfied with what you get or not - and then act accordingly.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 August 2015):
 Isn't Gerard Depardieu the actor with the nose like a potato?
You "didn't have much success with the ladies"? What a quaint expression! Ah well, and oh dear, you have proceeded in this relationship based on a lot of assumptions.
This is why restaurant reviews are iffy to rely on, especially really old reviews. Say there's this great steakhouse, serving all kinds of meat and the calorie-laden sides, the chef is a pure carnivore and loves to share his love of meat with his clientele. Then suddenly, one day, the chef has a heart attack and also a change of heart. He becomes health-conscious and decides that he can't in good conscience cut up and cook animal flesh any longer. He becomes a strict vegetarian and changes the restaurant entirely. He feels good about it and while his old clients may grouse and grumble, the new clientele are happy to find a passionate chef devoted to wonderful vegetarian cooking.
Do you see my point? You can't base your expectations of what she "should" be offering you sexually on an ancient review by a guy with a nose like a potato. And a guy who was a professional liar, I mean actor, of course. No man in college has ever lied or embellished the truth about his sex life, right? Not one man has ever told a tale to impress another, more naive man, about what a sexual god he is, right?
Uh huh.
There's a famous actor in the news right now (he doesn't have a nose like a potato, though) who apparently, at the peak of his fame and fortune, decided that he needed to drug women in order to have sex with them. I expect he may have done some of the things your potato-nosed friend did with the women, only they may not be able to remember.
So, back to your liar/actor friend, perhaps he and your girlfriend did engage in some sexual activities that you haven't, probably not to the extent his bragging, I mean conveying of information about all the sexual nuances of his harem, I mean girlfriends. As it was in college, it might be that your liar/actor friend used mind-altering substances, like booze and pills, to ensure the compliance of his girlfriends.
So now that the defense has challenged the veracity of the chief sexual witness to your girlfriend's assumed sexual past, what now? What does this have to do with your sex life with her?
Absolutely nothing.
Not a thing.
Go back to my story about the chef.
The menu has changed. Sorry, but that's the deal. You either live with it, or you decide to move to a different restaurant for your needs. Which, technically, are desires. I don't think any man has ever died from not having a blow job.
Your naivety shows in that you expect the sexual behavior the liar/actor friend concocted from your girlfriend all these years, ignoring the mountain of evidence that she's just not into it. She's not that girl you have imagined in your head. She's just not. Sorry, dude, but you are waiting for a bus that will never arrive. It's not going to happen.
Even assuming she ever behaved that way in the sack, the point is that she doesn't want to behave in the sack that way any longer. No matter how many years you sit and build up resentments and rerun the liar/actor's tales in your head over and over again, she's not a sexual adventuress at this point in her life.
The preponderance of evidence suggest Jon is a big nosed liar. The sex life you had at the very beginning with your girlfriend? That's the best sex you are ever going to have with her.
If you can't live without a blow job, then you, dear naive one, are with the wrong woman. Sorry.
I do think you should break off the relationship. She deserves to be with someone who is happy with her just as she is, and you can find a mate with similar sexual appetites.
Good luck, hope the break up is smooth.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (5 August 2015):
 I want to give you a womans view on this, as so far all you have had is male advice.
From what you have written, it comes across as all about YOU.
As a woman, I would find it incredibly hurtful, that my current boyfriend and ex-boyfriend had been discussing my sexual prowess, and effectively comparing notes. I would be mortified that something so intimate about me was being discussed in such a way.
You are treating your supposed "girlfriend" like a sex toy, or a porn star, giving her no respect as a person whatsoever.
You have no idea how much your friend was exaggerating his experiences, in order to boost his street-cred, because *newsflash* men LIE to make themselves sound like sex gods or to appear they are getting more sex than they really are.
What strikes me, is that you are far more concerned with "Jon's" version of this- that your girlfriend is some sort of super-hot sex kitten, and how sad and miserable you now are that you appear to have been misled. Your GF never told you any of this, yet you seem to be blaming her for not living up to some sort of reputation?
You said this
"I sort of get it. I mean, just because she did something once doesn't mean she is obligated to do it forever. A good example is sex during her period. She said she tried it once, didn't like it, and is done with it. I respect that"
"We just needed time to gel. It didn't matter because I was falling in love with her. I assumed it would come with time"
So - ultimately you DON'T respect her wishes, because you still feel that she should change/revert to this potentially made up version of herself.
You mention a few things that do worry me - how HE would tie her up during bondage, how HE would blindfold her, how she would submit to swallowing HIS cum.
Have you thought for one second that this could have been a very one-sided relationship? How she could have felt so pressurised/bullied that she HAD to do these things or face consequences? The fact that she was not with him for very long suggests that this was not a romantic or loving relationship.
Now, she sees you as a proper relationship. Your relationship goes deeper, is more meaningful and is more the full package - For HER. It seems however, that you do not appreciate this, and only want her for the sexual gratification that she can give you.
You round off your post with this:
"I am not sure I agree because I feel dissatisfied and inferior. It causes me a lot of anguish." - this is more about YOUR inferiority issues, than her.
"How can I convince her that this is emotionally damaging to me and not just about my pleasure?"
It is only emotionally damaging because you feel hard done by, assuming she should act the same way with you as she did with your friend.
Sex is not a right, it is a privilege. Having a loving sexual relationship with someone who you do see a long term future with is something very special, and should not be taken advantage of.
People change, people do things in some relationships that they don't want to, because they are forced or feel they have to, just to keep a man. They are often guilt tripped into doing these things, which can repulse them, because they don't have the strength to say NO.
What do you do for your girlfriend? Do you treat her well, love her, give her pleasure? If she wanted to shove a dildo up your bottom because she had done that with Jon, would you be willing?
Sex is a two-way street. Every relationship is different.
If you are dissatisfied with your girlfriend, then perhaps rather than trying to bully and guilt-trip her into doing what you want, maybe you need to find someone who is more sexually compatible.
For future reference stop comparing notes with your mates, and learn to communicate with your partner, who has feelings, wants and needs all of their own.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (5 August 2015):
 It's not pathetic to know yourself and your wants and needs. People with little interest in sex often seem dismissive of high sex drives, calling it immature and unworthy. But your sex drive is part of who you are; having a compatable partner is part of the recipe for a successful relationship.
All I can tell you is that she will not change. You have to decide if you can be happy going forward given how she describes your chemistry, her limits, and the (mild) retroactive jealousy that's lurking in your mind.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 August 2015):
 I could not place Mr Depardieu so I "googled" him and now with my memory refreshed. I have a vision of a pompous actor that can tell tall tales with conviction to inflate his own self worth. Ergo, I wouldn't place a lot of credulity in his tales of bedroom prowess. Deep breaths and review the overall picture with clear glasses.
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A
female
reader, Questing for Love +, writes (5 August 2015):
 I'm no expert as I've never been in a relationship. But I do know people say you have to be sexually compatible as well as have personality chemistry to have a happy relationship. Whereas she ONLY had sexual chemistry with "Jon" and she ONLY has personal chemistry with you. I'm pretty sure you need both in a relationship.She does have every right to deny any sort of sexual act if she no longer feels comfortable with it, but she sort of admitted that you guys aren't really at equal minds on the sexual part of your relationship by stating you don't inspire those lustful feelings and thus she shouldn't have to do what she doesn't want to, but that means she knows it's not what you want. Does that make sense?Basically both of you are staying together knowing that neither of you are feeling sexually compatible with the other. She just seems to be okay with it and that seems to be the problem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): you are trying to get her to repeat her experiences with jon which is a dreadful imposition from one human to another because you have failed to acknowledge that she has moved on..personally i think warning bells should be ringing in her head and you should look for someone who is and always has been a saint or get a rubber doll to exercise your hangups on.Or find a new girlfriend and start a better relationshi with no past baggage and the desire for the sex life you crave.
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