A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:I've been trying to date a friend of mine for a few months. She said she didn't want a relationship. And I never forced her hand. So for months you don't want a relationship, but you were cool with us talking all night on the phone, video chatting sending me naked pictures, telling me your deepest fears and favorite ways to have sex, making out when we say goodbye, and having sex? Sounds like we had more than a "friendship" going on im just saying.So she tells me that we can hangout but we can't sleep together anymore because she's talking to another guy. Which Understandably shocked the hell out of me because I thought we had something going. I don’t do what I did with her with all my friends. So what's the deal you don't want a relationship but you're not comfortablesleeping with two men at the same time so you end things with me to see if you like this other guy more? And I'm supposed to just hangout with you like nothing happened. Waiting in the wings for you to be ready to start things up again?!So I text her: "I actually really like you and thought we could go somewhere. I wasn't looking for a commitment, but things between us were never just about fun and I think you know that. And I never want to make it weird between us, but idk if I can continue the same relationship with you without knowing if we could ever go somewhere?She responds: " Ok sorry I didn't wanted to hurt it was never my intention. I don't want a relationship. But I did and do enjoy your friendship"I Sent this back a few hours ago "I enjoy your friendship too and I know you don't want a relationship. And I've never asked you for one. However, and I want you to keep in my mind that I'm being logical and not emotional here. Just for clarification and understanding..you don't want us to "mess around" which is fine, because you're "talking" to a guy which is generally the precursor to a formal relationship. Which therefore means that you will be messing around with him. So are you saying that you don't want a relationship in general or one specifically with me? Either way I can take the truth because I'm an adult"My question is why do women do this? why allude that we have a future and that I'd make a great bf for you in the future then jump ship without warning? Was I just a rebound? Some toy for her to occupy her time when she was bored? It's been almost 5 hours and I'm still waiting for her reply. It's very frustrating and annoying. Can someone Pah-leeze explain the login behind her actions and tell me what I should do now? She actually expects me to be her friend again after all that's transpired between us. Pah-leeze give me some outside perspective on the situation. I'm really very heartbroken about it. Thank you.
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male
reader, Solidus +, writes (18 August 2015):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question I've told her that "I don't do with my friends what I did with you. I never wanted to be your friend. I wish you and this guy you're seeing all the best. Love." I haven't spoken to her in about a week and have most likely won't ever initiate contact again.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 I strongly doubt you can be " friends " while you still have romantic/ erotic longings for her. You may like her as a person, but I bet you still like her as a FEMALE ,attractive person, not the same way you'd " like " an intellectually compatible male colleague. You do not need to explicitate those in words or flirty banter , you just need to feel THEM to get stuck into some pathetic situation where you stiff upper lip and hang on ... always waiting, in the back of your mind, that she " comes around " and sees the light, and realizes how wonderful you'd be together.
A " friendship " between two people one of which has a veeeery soft spot for the other one, it's not a friendhip; it's an act. It's a stage performance.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (11 August 2015):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, he told me she was in a very abusive, controlling relationship when they worked together. She had just got out of it when they started working together a few years ago. He says She never got detailed with him. He just remembered the dude would be extremely mean, and an asshole and then send her flowers to work to make everything "okay". He says She's very sweet, but he's sure her friends are telling her, and past exp. with relationships, that she needs to live the single life now. And he says, that's why she doesn't want to be locked down. She is partying way more lately.
Something she never got to do because she was raised in an extremely religious family. I'm talking church 7 days a week. She even had an arranged marriage bwfore the abusive relationship she was in for 7 years (she's 28 now). She told me her husband would pray every time before they had sex, which was once every couple of weeks, months even and that she never had an orgasm with him. And idk if this is relevant bUT her parents blamed her for the marriage failing because she was seriously unhappy cheated on her husband and had her first orgasm with that guy. She felt bad but was something of a prisoner. Afterwards, her family who are ridiculously rich cut her off. I'm talking her grandfather was chairman of the bank of ____ rich. Now she's all independent and doesn't want to be tied down. My friend actually suggested I just be a good friend of hers until she comes around.
So suffice to say, she isn't a regular girl to say the least. I'm probably foolish for thinking I could prince charming that stuff away.
I might respond saying we can be friends, but abstain from being romantic or giving her too much attention. I actually do like her as a person a lot.
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A
female
reader, Hellofriends2014 +, writes (10 August 2015):
Wow I could never do what she did and not develop some kind of emotional and sexual attatchment. That sounds cold and cruel not to mention that she led you on. I've been there done that. she is trash. Please move on for your sake and try not to speak with her again...unless you are totally over her not having any feelings for you and that you are okay with moving on to liking someone else as well. It's just respect on both parties and it will make for a less messy "break up". Sure, she might be a hot young thing or whatever, but is it worth the pain you are experiencing now? I think not. Good luck my friend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 August 2015):
 If she likes to play games she is not happy that you don't play along.
She knew sooner (as soon as you removed her on FB) but she is now "pretending" she had no clue as to why....
Trust me she knows.
The friend of yours who knew her (before you knew of her and met her) has she shed any light on her personality?
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (10 August 2015):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, this was the first time that I've heard from her in 5 days. I removed her from every social media outlet and have made zero attempts to contact her since. She must've noticed my complete and deliberate absence from her life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 August 2015):
Why does she care? Well, for one... you USED to give her a lot of attention and now you don't...
If she is not one for deep meaningful relationship, doesn't mean she isn't a attention monger. So was this the first time you heard from her in 5 days?
Taking a screenshot of her texts proves nothing, she could have deleted the text first.
However, I wouldn't waste any more energy on this one. Not if you are look for an actual GF instead of someone who think you are good enough to flirt, have sex with and chat with, but not good enough to date.
If I were you I'd just reply back that she doesn't seem to want the same things so you decided to move on. That way you don't come across as being a drama-llama.
And then REALLY block her number.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (10 August 2015):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo she texted me last night asking if I'm x-ing her out of my life. So I asked her if she's avoiding the question I asked her. She denies ever receiving the message and took a screen shot of her texts to prove it. She then asked what was the question. I haven't responded yet and might not ever again. Does it even matter at this point. And what does she care if I cut her out of my life?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 August 2015):
 She played you. Sorry, I know it sucks. Women can be players as well as any guy. Players do this for the same reason regardless of their gender: they are selfish and has little respect for the others feelings. They want immediate satisfaction of sex, yet no commitment. At least you can be happy she broke it off and didn't see you at the same time as the other guy! Because some players will do that, you know.
This is why I tell people, all the time: no sex until you're in an official and exclusive relationship for at least two weeks! Because sex does NOT make a relationship. You need to get the relationship before you jump into bed with one another, or else it's just plain sex and nothing more.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (5 August 2015):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA girl who says she is "not ready for a relationship" may literally mean the very idea of dating terrifies her at the moment for whatever reason. She may be politely avoiding telling you that she doesn't find you attractive. She might be the manipulative harpy some men think all women are, and is playing games to see how much you want her. And of course, she may be a hipster who finds the word "relationship" too conformist and wants to have a "cooperative sex-love venture" with you. Whichever one she is I have effectively cut all ties with her at this time and am picking up the pieces of my broken heart.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (5 August 2015):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've had a lot of different relationships. so going into anything new I'm usually very cynical. now it took me a very long time to woo her so to speak, and I never skipped any steps.Now initially she may have said I don't want a relationship, but during our courtship she regularly stated that I would be a very good bf for her when she was ready. Always using words like "I cant let you be my bf just yet" or "you are definitely future bf material" or "you're definitely earning a lot of points" so you're checking off this list of bf attributes in your head and when the points add up maybe we can have a real relationship?I would always sing to her (because I'm a very good singer) and she would jokingly say "uh oh you're trying to make it weird again", mostly because deep emotion like that makes her uncomfortable. Then I remember one day she sent me a picture of her smiling and said "I miss you singing to me and I miss you" so I said something sweet to her I don't remember what and asked if I was making "weird" to which she replied "let's make it weird together"These things may sound irrelevant, but if we were just going to fuck, from the beginning mentally and emotionally I could have put her in a different category altogether. If I'm just interested in sleeping with a girl I don't even mention a relationship. That's not what she did. Regardless, I'm not going to be her puppet waiting for her to move my strings. She still hasn't responded to my text and I've since removed her from all social media. I know it's cliche to say, but she never will find someone more loving or devoted to her than me and when she figures that out it will be too late.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2015):
I agree with pretty much everything Auntie Cindy said.
She was honest when she said I don't want a relationship. But she wasn't finishing that sentence. Like Cindy pointed out.. it should be "I don't want a relationship with YOU" or "I don't want a relationship RIGHT now". She was enjoying the "benefits" of having a "pretend BF" (late chats, flirt, sex) without having to deal with the down-side to a relationship. (commitment, planning, compromising, drama etc).
She likes you as a friend, but she had sex because you were available and agreeable to it.
What you are doing is a classic mistake that we see plenty of women do (at least here on DC) they get caught up in the excitement with a "friend" having sex etc. then catch feeling for the person only to be told, I don't want a relationship or I have met someone I think I want to date. Having sex with someone doesn't mean it is a relationship you are having. Having sex doesn't mean you will be having a relationship with this person either.
FWB are two people who are friends, and who can separate intimacy and sex from their friendship. And a FWB is ALWAYS going to go sideways if one person have deeper feelings for the other.
I think this girl is very good at compartmentalizing her life.
Are you sure she told you, that you would great a great BF for her? or a great BF for someone some day? Because there is a huge difference.
ALWAYS ALWAYS listen to a person when they say "I don't want a relationship" - because if you do want one, she is not for you. She is a waste of time.
Personally, I'd walk away - cut the contact and let it go. SHE is not going to be that girl you want her to be. And she isn't going to want what you want.
And just a side note... women as a whole don't do "this". Some may, some dudes do it too. Trust me, there are more guys "doing" this (judging by the post I've seen on DC) than women. I know that doesn't help you, but... don't be mad at a whole gender because this girl hurt and disappointed you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): dear heartbroken you sound a little more annoyed than anything or else you are just being slow to catch on that she has moved on.When she was occupying your time their was no verbal or written contract to say that she would remain exclusively yours.Now you are miffed and displaying a bit of uber righteous irritation .Presumably it was social time you felt you wasted but you were not coerced and suffered no pain or damages as the result of the friendship.She didnt take your car and wilfully crash it did she? So stop acting like the aggrieved party in alaw suit of sexual exploitation and consider that you were a willing party in anything that happened.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 August 2015):
She did not want a relationship WITH YOU.
That's a well known " secret " , for males and females alike !, for everybody - that when someone says " I don't want a relatiosnhip " it's only shorthand for " I don't want one with you . Sorry OP, not meaning to twist the knife in your wound, but, tbh, I would have thought that anybody in your age bracket would have got wise to this.
Actually, after all it is not such a shameless lie as it sounds. Most people really think and feel and decide that they do not want a relationship, because they do not want to bother with the downside of one , and there are many : limitation of freedom, time investment, mandatory monogamy, possible " drama " and emotional turmoil etc. etc. BUT, it's obvious, it's natural, even without formulating it clearly in words, that one can always make exceptions for someone really SPECIAL, really great.
It's like, say, someone who's got a job, of which he is reasonably content, good pay, good hours, nice colleagues etc. He does not lie when he says he is not looking for another job at the moment. Of course , though, of tomorrow they offer him a fantastic job with thrice the pay and the prestige etc.,- he'd be a fool not to take it , and he will take it.
What I am saying is , that probably she did not want a steady relationship UNLESS she met someone who really really really ( add a few more really ) intrigued her and floated her boat or whatnot.
She likes you, otherwise she'd be a masochist for sharing her time and her body with you ! - but she likes you normally, just enough to be your fuck buddy. For being a relationship partner, she wants something " special " ( according to whatever her personal criteria are ) which she has found , or hopes to find ,in this other guy.
Then again... is it really SO important what she really meant ?
I mean, maybe , as I just said, she meant " I don't want a relationship - with you ". Or maybe she WAS deadly earnest , and the last thing she wanted at the time was a relationship- THEN, later,.... she changed her mind.
Still, she HAD told you " I don't want a relationship " !...fowarned is foretold- I can understand and empathize with the disappointment and sadness regardless of what had been told, because feelings do not need to be stringently logic, they just show up in our heart; much less I can understand your surprise , it was sort of an announced development .
Anyway : she wants to keep you around as platonic friend- because she thinks of what is good for her, not of what it would be good for you , and because she obviously likes the attention and ego strokes you provide .She loves to be loved, who does not :). That does not mean that you have to go along with her program !, regardless of what she " expects ".
If you need to keep your distance to lick your wounds and heal you heart and ego, by all means do.
If you can't handle being demoted from fuckbuddy to just buddy , and being around her would be a supplice- then step back.
Do what feels right for you.
You can't MAKE her love you- on the other hand , you do not have to be her puppet on a string , and stay, go or step back when and how SHE wants !
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