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age
36-40,
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writes: Trust issues with my BF:Ok, so we've been together for 11 months. I'm 18, he's 22. He's my first BF, and I'm the first girl he has lasted so long with in a relationship. One of his exes cheated on him with one of his friends. His father abandoned him when he was a baby. So, he's not had it that easy.We met because a common friend introduced us. I knew said friend from before he did. This common friend introduced us and we just got well and fell for each other. I kept a secret from my BF though, and it was that the friend who introduced us and I had a "friends with benefits" thing three years ago, nothing serious, even though I gave him oral sex JUST ONCE. My BF and I had discussed our sexual experience and he knew about me giving oral sex to someone. However, one day he asked me wether I had something with that friend. I denied it (lied) and he didn't buy it so I told the truth. My BF was mad, then he realized about the oral sex, and broke up with me but came back together 'cos he asked me to. We want to stay together and he even says he's planning a future with me. That happened about 5 months ago.We've been working on those issues. The worst has already passed. However, last night he started asking me if i had ever cheated, if I have ever intended to, or if anyone had made a move on me. I said no to all those questions. He told me "why should I believe you?". I said because "I love you", but that doesn't cut it. I don't know how to convince him I won't hurt him, I tried to, but he's just insecure about it. He says he's afraid because I'm too naïve and "easy to seduce" (yes, I'm insecure and in my past I've had a few random hook ups, and he knows and dislikes that fact). We love each other so much, but how can I make him trust me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for the support... I know it's not gonna be easy for us, but your answers give me hope, and it's good to know that not everything is lost. This is my first boyfriend and I never thought I would go through this kind of situation when I fantasized about my first boyfriend. All I know now is I love him deeply, and so does he, and that even though this is a difficult problem, it's worth trying to get through it, because our relationship is worth it. Thanks to everyone who answered, it was helpful :)
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female
reader, melodaea  +, writes (28 July 2007):
 You need to "accidentally" leave this page on the computer, showing the response to the agony aunts you just posted.
Either way, he needs to learn how much you love him, and that if you were going to cheat on him then you would be honest and tell him your relationship has run its course.
It's plain to see from all this that you'd never do that, and you'd never hurt him. The best you can do is reassure him, and reassure him, and reassure him... surprise him with loving gifts, personalised tidbits- let him know how much he truly means to you. And if after this he still doesn't trust you, it's time to move on hon.
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow he's offended, as him and I were talking just fine, and I said something about some pictures... and he remembered one time we were hanging out at a concert with our common friend (my ex friend with benefits), and that I took a picture of that friend. He told me I must have a wandering eye, and that I must check out other guys, and that I probably am with him just because other guys didn't like me, that I probably don't really love him, because otherwise I wouldn't check out other guys and wouldn't be that way, etc... none of what is true. I even deleted that picture a good while ago....
Thanks for your responses... I know deep down that if he doesn't trust me fully I should dump him, but I just love him so much... and I have hopes that one day he'll feel more secure with me and will trust me again. I know I did something to lose his trust (lying), but I know that's something forgivable... some couples have moved on from cheating (although I wouldn't tolerate cheating). But still, I just love him so much... and I know he does too... otherwise he probably would've dumped me for good. It's just so hard to understand why he's so sweet and loving pretty much all of the time, but when he gets mad, he transforms himself and just says so many things it even feels like it's someone completely different... it saddens me, because all I want is to be happy WITH HIM! And only him...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): sometimes paranoid people just need to be sat down and told the truth.
sit his ass down on a bed or chair and get really close to him. Tell him to look you in the eye and just tell him this stuff. tell him how much you love him, how those other things are the past and you regret them. tell him your deepest darkest fears and feelings and maybe you'll see a change.
If he doesn't trust you after almost a YEAR, he doesn't deserve a wonderful person like you. It's that simple.
Also, if he's calling you naïve, that's just insulting.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 July 2007):
 A few points before I get to the real answer:
You're not responsible for anything that happened with him before you met him. You're only responsible for the things you do regarding him AFTER you met him.
The fact that you had hook-ups, or were a friend with benefits with someone else, or whatever, doesn't make you any less valuable. You've been with him, and him only, and that's what counts.
If he doesn't want to believe you, no matter what you do, you won't convince him.
I think you've given the right answer yourself. He's insecure. I wonder how he can say he's planning for a life with you if he is insecure about you.
You should tell him that he needs to trust you. That there is nothing you can do other than what you've done: be loyal to him. If he can't believe you, well, dump him. He'll understand then.
I hope this helps.
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male
reader, daglish  +, writes (28 July 2007):
 Its sad there are gentlemen who cant see the jewels behind their stubbornness. This guy is not really serious .Am sorry but we have to speak abt certain things even when they hurt. Love doesnt ask questins like WHY?, WHEN? HOW? AND WHAT? ! It just has to be a strong feeling that comes all at once. That means thats you are not supposed someone to believe if he just cant trust you by the tinest of inches. My heart breaks at such people who want to know more than whats the truth. Such people encourage lying which is the greatst dis-service you can do to a relationship. However all that aside, i think this boyfriend is feeling great degree of insecurity. Some little doubt about everybody in the world is necessary but it should be least about your lover. So do your best to show him that you care abt him even when he gets to your nerves by pressing for what is not there. With time he's going to realise how faithful you are to him and how stupid he is acting right now. The key is, Dont give up on him coz this could be a process God has set for you to uncover a diamond in the rough. But if he doent seem to change, pliz move on co at you will never be 18 or younger again and yet there are so many guys who would kill for you in the world.
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