A
male
age
36-40,
*70DLW
writes:My wife and I have been married for four years. I thought these were happy times for her, because we had just recently purchased a house together. I am attending school again, and working. We both are making good money and everything is was good. She then lost her job in November of last year and she was devastated. I then immediately started trying to figure out how to provide for us. She then decided to return back to her home country of Switzerland to seek employment. I supported her like I always do because she came to the US with a law degree and we thought it would apply, but it did not. So I have always felt bad for her not being able to practice law. So after two months of being back in Switzerland, she started telling me that she was having crazy feelings of wanting to be alone and possibly wanting a divorce from me. I was torn apart by this. I asked her what could I do to make everything ok and she told me that she required me to say "I love you" more. I did this as much as possible. She then called me about two weeks and said that she in fact wanted a divorce and that she is not in love with me anymore, but has a ton of love for me. I want her back and will do anything for her. I had agreed to drop my career I love and moved over there with her to start from scratch for God sake. I love her deeply and can't live without her. I have asked her to forgive me if I did anything wrong, but she said it was nothing I did and she is just being selfish right now. Any help with this will be great. Thanks
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male
reader, 170DLW +, writes (2 December 2011):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yeah, once again you all are right. I think what I will need to start a blog on now is how to learn how to trust again, so that one that I can start over again. Any takers on that subject lol?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 I've been following your story, so sorry, but that's how things go sometime. You won't believe me now, but you are young and you have good prospects, you won't be alone for long, and choose wisely next time. There are a lot of wonderful women out there who will suit you better. A guy like you has a lot to offer the right type of woman.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 December 2011):
 I'm sorry you didn't reach the conclusion you wanted with your wife but at least you are on the road to your own happiness. It sounds like you're doing fine and will come out of this a bit wiser. I hope you find someone who will make you happy! Good luck! Thanks for the update.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 December 2011):
 thank you for the update.
I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted it to, but it's good to see that you have taken it in strides and are working to move on.
As much as it sucks to know that the marriage failed, sometimes it's just not meant to be.
I have seen the movie Fireproof btw :) it's not a bad one, but a movie can't always save a real life problem :)
I hope you continue to look at the future positively and have better luck next time you meet a woman to share your life with.
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male
reader, 170DLW +, writes (1 December 2011):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,
It has been a very long time since I have been on here. I wanted to update you all on what happened. It eventually ended with her divorcing me, and it turned out that she really did just want out. Everyone was right, it was nothing I could do at all from the start, and I was fighting a battle that could not be won. I am back to myself again, I am strong and started back on the path to my self success. I do occasionally think about her, but I don't hear from or talk to her at all now. Last I heard, she has a serious boyfriend and is doing well. I know I was a bit of a hard head through much of this, but I really do appreciate all of you being there. Thanks and take care.
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (9 September 2010):
Well i will speak for myself, when something is over between 2 people my escape is not to run and tuck my tail nor is it to sweep under the carpet! but when it is over it's over and that is reality no'one should have to stay and wait for the other one to figure it out if they want you are not? my boats sailing!
Oregongrl1
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male
reader, 170DLW +, writes (8 September 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I know it has been a while since I last posted on this site. I just wanted to inform the ones who care, that my wife is actually trying now. With a lot of work, she has found a little bit of faith to be receptive to me and take in my suggestions for the positive. My marriage is still not solid and I do still have a lot of work to do, but I am on a progressive climb now and that is all that matters. I will continue to post more information as time goes on. I just wanted to thank all of those who supported me in my decisions, whether right or wrong and being there for me at my weakest point in this situation.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (26 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell q1605, no disrespect to you and your wife or ex wife. I am not looking for her to come back as a ex wife, girl friend, or room mate. You take care also.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (26 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all,
Let me make something perfectly clear and concrete. I am not enjoying being in the situation that I am currently in, nor am I not man enough to handle difficult situations. What you all have failed to realize is that I have taken into account a lot of the post that have been presented to me. I have taken them apart and applied them the way I felt is necessary. Such as, q1605 theory on how he got his wife back. The issue that I have come to realize with that, was yes he did get his wife back but it didn't last and eventually ended again. You can't get someone back and think it's going to last if you don't talk about the issues and fix the problems that caused the separation in the begin with. So thus, ignoring a person or a problem and thinking it's going to fix itself is false. Next, I also took Tisha advice and talked with someone professionally. I have come to realize with going on now six meetings, that I have caused the issue at a level that I did not even recognize. When I asked my wife about it, a very positive conversation came from it. I also looked into all the issues with the legal part, I am not slow nor dumb. I'm very intelligent and was just severly and emotionally damaged. I have had a grasp on the legal actions to take if such actions do become necessary. I've also realize that several of the last responses to this post have went way off of my original question. I didn't ask for advice on how to give up on a marriage and what steps I need to do to complete that. I asked for helpful positive advice to help encourage thoughts on how to mend a damaged marriage. This is the main issue with marriages these days. So many people forget what the true meaning of love really is. You are so quick to give up when things get hard and try to trade for a newer model. If you damaged your hand, then you would do everything you could to salvage it, instead of telling the doctor to cut if off and give you a prosthetic one. So I am here to tell you all that it's fine by me if you don't post the same "give up" post over and over again, because I am tired of reading them. I want positive ones that I can rely on. Thanks for your time.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2010):
So did you actually talk to someone about the 'ducks'? Or was your comment more meant to keep me from asking more? What concrete steps have you taken to protect your interests, financially?
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reader, rivi +, writes (25 July 2010):
I so often find myself in radical disagreement with the responders on this advice website but I have to say I agree SPOT ON with Tisha 1 a few posts below.You're 'wife' has made plain over a prolonged period that she no longer wishes to be married to you.FOR GOOD OR ILL THAT IS A DECISION WHICH SHE HAS MADE AND WHICH YOU CANNOT REVERSE !So deal with the consequences - which are not all necessarily negative -. As far as I can see there should be no financial complications : you do not have children so there are no child support issues ; she has a job so there are no spousal maintenance issues; you do not own a property jointly - and if you do it should be a simple matter to split any owned equity two ways. You hardly even need an attorney !Check with your local county court what the paperwork is for filing for a consensual divorce - maybe in your State you have to be separated for X years or Y months - the Clerks should be able to answer that.You don't necessarily need to file for divorce if you are not ready for that step but it would be helpful to be aware of what the requirements are for a cheapo , non- attorney, no claims on either side, D. I V. O R. C. E. [ yes sing the song and have a laugh !!! ]You keep banging on about how much you are suffering - but frankly, the longer this thread has gone on, the more I realize you are really enjoying the so called suffering. 98% of the responders on here have advise you to call it quits and move on with your life - but you prefer to nit-pick the answers and ass-around with texting your 'Wife' this and that.If you are serious about cutting the apron strings send her a final text message saying politely goodbye, I wish you well, and I am cutting off contact apart from any legal stuff and then change your cell number. Any legal stuff can be dealt with by e-mail - in fact why not set up a specific email address for that purpose eg '[email address blocked]' So far you seem to me to be totally wallowing in this supposed grief - I reckon you are really enjoying it and everybody who has tried to give you useful objective advice has been wasting their time : fair enough - an occupational hazard - but don't be surprized if the advice posts tail off from here on in..............For heaven's sake be a bit more manly: take the pain and MOVE ON !! - in your case letting it all hang out has gone too far. How will you ever deal with a cancer diagnosis [ one in three chance ] if you can't deal with a simple divorce following a short, childless marriage ? Plus plenty of dating websites as I suggested over a month ago - which you undertook to consider.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (22 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: No progress as of yet still. I guess the silent approach gave her what she needed to completely harden.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (15 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, more than likely you are right. The entire time I was so busy being a man that I forgot to be a husband. You are also right that I should give up. The only thing is, I would rather live with have trying to save my marriage and it still fails, vs. Giving up and wishing I had of tried years down the road. Look for the movie "fireproof". I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Thanks for the comment.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2010):
I'm sorry I think she's been wanting out for a long time and didn't know how or when to tell you. So she used the excuse of being unemployed to move home. To start over.
As someone who had to give up more or less, my entire life for my husband and this crazy life, called Army Life, I can tell you it is NOT easy to do. I don't know how many times a day I WISH we could just all move home ( to my home country).
I think you pleading and begging her to come back is pointless, she HAS started over. At home. Where she has her own support system, family & friends.
Have you gone to SEE her? If not, I suggest you do. That is the only way you can tell if there is something between the two of your or not.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (15 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, I have taken some of your advice and looked into some options. Thanks
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 July 2010):
Thank you for the update. How are those ducks?
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (13 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I have still been keeping my space from her. Nothing as far as my knowledge has changed with her.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (7 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, thanks for the advice and I will take it into great consideration. Apparently she had these feelings for quite some time now. I am not sure when exactly she started having them. Thanks again for your comment.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 July 2010):
It occurred to me that she might be keeping tabs on you through other people and knows more about your state of mind than you think. If you've been open about your feelings of desperation, then she knows you're still off balance from this.
I wanted you to start managing the information flow to these mutual friends to your advantage here.
She moved in February, that's been 5 months now, so she's very much back 'home.' She's mentally separated from you now. She'd been separating mentally while you weren't paying attention. You're playing catch up and this is not the position of power.
The only way I can see a turnaround in this is if you are able to flip the situation. The thing driving this right now is her indifference to your wish to reconcile. She's building a wall, brick by brick, it was halfway up before you even noticed and it's higher now.
The image I'm trying to get across to you is that she starts to wonder what's happening on the other side of that wall. What's he up to? Does he even miss me? Is he done with me?
The begging and pleading didn't work, it just drove her further away. She said you weren't loving enough. So you swung from being distant to being a limpet?
How did you two happen to meet and marry? Has her resentment been building for 6 months prior to the move? Or more like your entire marriage?
You know what? I think you need to go see a marriage counselor without your wife. Go have a discussion about this. You are trying to fix this on your own with an overly emotional response and one that is not practical enough.
As for the money handling thing, is it that you need her financial input to handle bills here? She's been out of the country since February. What bills are we talking about? As far as not letting someone else handle her money, that's a ridiculous argument. Doctors examine your private parts, they're not dating you. Same with accountants. They know your intimate financial secrets but they're not dating you.
Don't ASK her to agree to talk to the accountant. TELL her that's how it's going to be done from now on. Take that little wee bit of control back.
You're reaction, not ACTION. Decide what YOUR terms are. Take some power back, man! You're sounding extremely weak and mushy. Sorry for being blunt but that is not going to get this woman back, it hasn't worked yet, time for a change in strategy.
You were strong before you met her, weren't you? You were your own man and had a plan. Go get that feeling back. Backbone! Resolve! Where's your ANGER? Where's the righteous resentment at this huge betrayal?? You need to find that and harness it.
Plan. Square away. Stop reacting. Stop contact, mix it up, become unpredictable.
You've had a month now of us, you're still in the same spot. It's not working.... marriage counselor, accountant, divorce lawyer. Line them up, go see them. Get those ducks in a row.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (7 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQ1605: Everything that I have mentioned about what I have said the her is from past conversations. I have limited my contact and as I have posted I have even figured out a way to not make contact with her about the financial part as I mentioned in the last post. I said the things about the mutual stuff to let her know that she does not make contact with our mutual friends over here anyways more or less me going to them to tell them any information. The information was once again to answer a lot of her questions that she asked me. I think I might need to stop being so detailed with my responses because I do not want the same confusions to continue to occur.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (7 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha 1: She actually moved to Switzerland on a permanent level in Feb. The original reason that she was suppose to go to Switzerland is that she got laid off in November of last year from a job over here and could not find one that was in her field. She knew that she could find one that would be in her field in Switzerland, so I decided to support her had let her go do that as bad as I wanted to say no. We then talked and the original plan was for me to move over there with her after I finished my degree. I was ready to give up everything over here for her, so that I could make her happy. I guess somewhere between the first week of March when I was last over there and the first week of June she came up with this reason. When it comes to mutual friends and all, she really does not seem to be keeping much contact with them over here. The last few things that she found out about them was through me. So I am not sure how effective that would be to provide communication through them. I would so love to take your suggestion about starting over and doing some of the same things again that made her fall in love with me in the first place, but when I mention to her to at least give me an open mind she seem very little interested in doing this. I even asked her if I came to see her would she give me some of her time, and she even said no to that as well. Her reasons for this is that this situation is too fresh. With the long distant factor and her constant rejection to my ideas, I am not sure what it will take for me to even get the ball rolling from scratch. The biggest issue with her is that she does not trust that I will change to the man that she needs me to be and has not interest in risking her heart to find out if I can. I have thought about the method about getting someone else to do the financial part between us,but she is the type that will not agree to that because she does not trust a lot of people with her money. I am currently still making every effort to not contact her at all, and I will not contact her again about the financial part also because I spoke with her and agreed on the dates that everything will be taking care of each month. So maybe this will be a method so that she will just automatically forward the money. Hopefully I don't sound defensive with my response to your information, its just my wife has become a very complicated and a difficult woman to deal with and everything is based off of what she as gave me to deal with. That's why I need the help from you all more than ever. Thanks again for the comment.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 July 2010):
My husband says I'm a lateral thinker. Whatever that means. But I just started wondering about mutual friends. Who were her friends here in the US, are you talking to them and are they in contact with her?
I'm sorry, the fact that she's gone home is a big problem for you. She's gone to where she feels at home and returning now is going to look like a huge obstacle. It's like she's wallowing in comfort food from her past, you know? She doesn't have to work hard and the culture is second-nature. It's EASY, you know?
So her level of concern for you is that you seem to be functioning okay, that's as far as things would go. I'm sure she feels twinges of guilt but this is such a big move that she had to convince herself that there was no doubt.
She married you for a reason. That reason faded as she felt neglected and alone. You were doing what you thought needed doing, which was working and providing the financial means for support.
I moved to marry my husband, drove solo through a bunch of states and let me tell you, it's very difficult to leave the old life behind. There's a certain level of resentment that can build if there's not good communication, some give and take. There are sacrifices made in every marriage and you have to be sure that the one you are making is going to be worth the pain. I'm sure a lot of people will say that if you're in love there won't be any pain, but that's really kind of not realistic. There is loss and separation when you move to be with someone.
She was what, 25 when you met? Younger? She's still in the process of learning about herself. She has admitted she's in a terribly selfish state for herself. She's taking back what she had set aside when she married you. She's taking back her country, her career, her childhood home and self.
That's really hard to compete with.
All the outpourings of love from you may not be enough to break through that resentment, that wall she's built, you know?
You have to go back to the beginning. What was it that drew you two together? What are the things that make you special to each other?
Right now, she knows you are there if she chooses to reach back. She's comfortable, she's seeing friends, running around Europe. The only thing that might give her a moment's pause is that it's hurting you. She knows where you are and what you're doing.
I understand no contact is very difficult to enforce when you have business to deal with. My suggestion? Get an accountant friend to deal with her on the bills. You cut contact. Seriously, you withdraw to the point that you create a void there. She will either move toward you more or not, but right now, you don't have a whole lot of choices.
Then you make sure that you do not let on to your mutual friends what you are up to, except that you perhaps are being chased by other women and are having to fight them off. I don't care how you create that illusion, or that you aren't interested in any other woman. The idea that you are being pursued and may have to succumb at some point. You are trying to remain true but they are so persistent, lovely, and THERE with you. The mutual friends find you missing her, of course, but also mysteriously busy and distracted by other things. The goal is to create uncertainty that you'll be able to stay true and faithful.
I'm not suggesting you run out and find women to sleep with or anything like that. It's more a state of mind that you are trying to portray to her.
A sea-change in your attitude may confuse her and make her wonder if she has indeed made the best choice.
Seeing an attorney, tidying up the financial stuff, signals that you take this very seriously and that you are not going to be stupid or unthinking about it.
She needs shaking up. She's been gone a month now and is getting more and more settled and more and more entrenched. You have to make her miss you and wonder if she's really making the best choice, throwing away a relationship and a marriage to a good, honest and true man.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (7 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo q1605: it's no problem man, like I said I understand that you all are trying to help me and thanks for that.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (6 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I was not trying to get defensive about the subject. I value everyone’s opinion and I hope that you all continue to give me advice and help me through this very difficult time. I realize that I need to look into all these options about divorce and everything, but I still have to try and keep focused on my main objective. "How to get my wife back". At the end of the day, she means a lot to me and I am not even trying to have divorce in my vocabulary. Even though I still realize the need to protect myself if it occurs. So the earlier comment was basically trying to answer some of your questions and not to get defensive. I am requesting with the up most respect from any and everyone to help me by putting your minds together and help me find the small flicker of light within this impossible and apparently unbreakable barrier that she has put up, so I can possibly have a chance to find my happiness again. Once again thanks to you all for all the opinions and please once again continue to offer them because they are greatly appreciated.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (6 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell to answer the question about the financial stuff. I have to contact her so often because it's bills that come monthly still that we are both under contract with. It's very unavoidable if I want it to get paid for. When I contact her, it's only through a txt and only for the topic that I'm contacting her for. She chooses to call me and drift off the subject, and I remember in some of the post that with the method of backing off, then I still should be nice right? I didn't make any other contact with her until I had no choice, even as bad as I won't to. As far as getting half, we have a prenup together that will not allow her to get half of my stuff and vice versa. Judging by the post the way I'm reading it, should I give up and the method is no longer going to work??
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 July 2010):
I know I'm late to this discussion, but have you seen a divorce lawyer yet?There's a lot of things that could sneak up and surprise you financially. I'd go just to develop a strategy to maintain the best financial outcome for you. Plan for the worst, you know?
That's my $ .02 for you.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (6 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOregongrl: I guess you can say that I am somewhat of a perfectionist. I went through so much in my life that I try to do everything that is put in front of me to the best of my ability, and with a 110% effort. I especially applied this with my marriage. That's why I was so confused as to what had went wrong, and once I was told then how could I make it right, thus loving her unconditionally. I am not sure what loosen up means actually lol. I lived the majority of my life trying to make sure that I'm successful with everything that I am not aware of the concept. To answer your next question if I understood it correctly, I am a Police Officer.
Update: I talked to my wife briefly today about financial stuff through texts, and she chose to call me. I chatted with her for a little while about the original reason for contact, and she explained to me that she has not been avoiding me; just that she has been busy with stuff. I then explained to her that it’s no problem, I was just trying to get the financial stuff settled. We then went on to converse about her day at work and other issues I was having (not talking about the separation). I then suggested to her a book that she should read and ended the conversation.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (6 July 2010):
One thing i noticed! was you sound like w/ your words that you are a perfectionist? and maybe you need to lossen up?
what is your kind of work, if you don't mind me asking. and that you are to well together. thats just my opinion. there is a reason why iam asking! iam a woman and i know what i like in a man if i was looking. and i hope things are going well for you!
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (5 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the comment Oregongrl. I am trying my best to figure out how to adjust appropriately but I just don't know how to. It seems like I can't trick my brain into not thinking about it.
Update: no contact has been made by her or I since my last post.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (5 July 2010):
I know you tried to save your marriage! but has she? it may seem hard now and like your life seems and feels like it's over but believe me it does get better! but it wont if you keep hanging on. just think you will be another day ahead to happiness, if you keep going forward. and if she loves you let her catch up to you. you don't have to stop in your tracks and stand still until she figures it out? and if she never does well guess what? your almost there!
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (3 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I was pretty much was told today in a txt by her that her mind is made up and that she is sorry that she was not clear and gave me any hope that her mind will change. This is a very devastating blow for me. I am trying to keep my head up today, but it is very hard for me to do.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (1 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell Oregongrl, you are 100% right. Those are more than likely the reasons that's she is even being nice to me. She did do a 360 when she got to Switzerland. I am done with the begging for her and all I can do is just be nice. It's just hard to find myself again, after giving so much love to a person that now acts like you are just a random stranger walking down the street. Thanks for the support and I appreciate everything. Update: she txt me yesterday and said hello, I didn't answer for a while and then said I'm fine. she then txted me and said that she is going to force herself to stay home so she can call me the next day. She did call today and I picked up because it was a bill that I had to address with her. She then went into talking about some festival over there and birthday partys with her friends. Then she told me about a long weekend next week to turkey and that she will still attempt to contact me. I told her don't worry about contacting me and I will not bother her and ended the conversation.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (1 July 2010):
Why would you want to change for her! if someone doesn't like you the way you are to bad!she is so full of excuses and is only trying to be nice about it, she wants out
and knows you are still trying to hang on? and she doesn't know how to be honest w/ you because you will not let go?
i just don't know how one can beg enough to someone who use to love them dearly and now boom she doesn't love you anymore, i mean like that. and you want to prove to her you can change why? you will see im telling you there is someone else she is just scared to tell you because you are well almost on your knees and i hope that down the road you can look back at all of this and be at a point in your life that you are happy and not hurting! i have been there and i know how it feels you would rather go back so it wont hurt no more. iam truly sorry that you feel lost and lonely because the one you love is now a different person and that is a hard thing to except because you do feel alone and lost and don't know how to live out side of that box i mean everything changes it's hard i know when i moved to Oregon, from Va. it was the hardest thing i had to do but i knew i had too! i met a man 1 month later and you know how i knew he was special besides the first moment i saw him he gave me a song from rascal flats called (moving on) so i knew he had listened to everything i had ever said to him! it will be hard at first but it does get better you have to know and believe that we are all pulling for you!
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (1 July 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQ1605: Well my wife said that she does not even see me sexually like that anymore, so I guess that’s not a good sign along with the other stuff.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (30 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQ1605: Yeah I know I probably messed up with the conversation, but hopefully I have not lost. I got your point about no contact but I have to be a man and admit that it is very hard, ESP when my wife is the type of woman that with time she tends to adjust very well and will not be affected at all by a situation like this. I will back completely off this time seriously, with the exception of dealing with financial issues and I will just txt her then. Thanks for your response and sharing what you went through with me because it's the only hope I have a this point.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (30 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOregongrl1: That is not exactly the reason that she became upset with me and we had the serious discussion. I had a person that I consider a good friend and have been with me through this troubling ordeal from day one send her an email to possibly get my wife’s opinion about the situation, and that maybe my friend could see her side from her directly. My wife was apparently offended by something’s in the email, and called me about it and that’s when the intense conversation started. I tried my best to explain to her the reason why the email was sent and it was not my friends’ intention to cause any misunderstanding. It was just only to see her side of the story and to better understand her because it's known by everyone that I still desperately want my marriage to work. My wife went on to explain to me once again with an angry tone that she does not trust that I can change to what she wants me to be and is not interested at all in allowing me to show her that I can. I then mention to her that she would not have anything to lose, so why is she fighting my advances unless she has someone else that she is involved with. She admitted that she has been fighting against me. She then said that it is no one that she is involved with and why is it so hard for me to believe that it is just the way that she is telling me. I then told her that I was not asking her to run back to me and pick up stuff where we left off. I told her that I only ask her to open her mind to the fact that I just want to show her that it will be different, and move forward. She asked me what if she did and still did not want to give it another shot. I then told her that when we first became aware of one another, she was not in love with me either but she eventually fell in love. She then said that she will only promise that she will try to keep her mind open to the fact. Then that was the end of the discussion. I felt like I was forced into this talk with her because of the simple fact of defending the email that was sent, and to get my wife’s facts straight. Now if it did more harm, then it did good? Probably, but I could not just sit back and let her argue over something that I felt was not true. What’s even worse, I feel that my friend probably does not want anything else to do with the situation anymore. I am not sure why my wife felt the need to call me to see how I am doing and to tell me that she will be busy and that she is not intentionally avoiding me. I am not sure what is wrong with the woman personally. It is like she won't let herself realize that I am sorry for what I feel is not as huge of an issue that she is making it out to be and is guided by either another guy or someone that is telling her to not let me back in so I can prove her thoughts wrong. I even asked her would she see me if she could and she said no because it is too early in the situation. I will still back off and not contact her, because at this point that’s my only option.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (30 June 2010):
It sounds like shes playing games w/ you? if she didn't care she would not contact you at all! she sounds angry maybe because you are different torge her. by not running after her w/ your tail tucked, well heck what is one to do when the other says they want a divorce but keeps on calling and keeping one on a string maybe because if the other one doesn't work out? they still got you. it's a shame you don't know that for sure?? because sweetie, there are so many women out there who would treat you w/ total respect! but you wont know unless you move on w/ your life! and just be so honest w/ her and ask her what she really wants out of life is it you are does she want her freedom?
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (30 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I have been low key with her for the past couple of days and have not talked to her unless it was necessary. Yesterday she called me and was very upset at me, we discuss the issue in great detail and I did not talk to her anymore after that. She has been contacting me since then. She told me today that I might not hear from her in the next couple of days because she would be quite busy and wanted to tell me so that I would not think that she is actively trying to avoid me.
I really don't know at this point folks, what to do or what to say. As time goes on, whether I talk to her or not. It seems to be getting more and more negative. And she seems to care less and less about me or anything I do. I truly feel that it is someone else in her life, but for some reason she does not want to say it. I will still wait and sit back as it was explained to me to do.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (25 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOregongrl: I completely understand what you are saying. I guess in a worse car scenario, I would not know how to start over. My wife meant and still does to me the world. I am not even sure if it’s possible at the moment for me to get over her (not saying that as being weak). Well thanks again for your comments. I will keep updating you all unless you don't care to hear about it any longer.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (25 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I spoke with her briefly because I had to (financial stuff) then just asked her how her day was going. She said it was a good day and we small talked about different stuff, but nothing relating to us getting back together. I then ended it and said have a great one and she said thanks you too. No other contact has happened I don't plan to contact her unless I hear from her.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (25 June 2010):
I so understand! and im not saying your a push over, and i know you can't switch it off and on. and you don't get over something that easily believe me it's the hardest thing besides losing a loved one. all iam saying is don't make it so hard on yourself. i was there a couple times in my life! it just tears you up exspecially when you don't know where the other one is at and you are just waiting for them to realize how much you love them and you would do anything for them. but sometimes you need to be realistic about it and put things into perspective and truly let them know from your heart and be as honest as you can and lay it out and know if it doesn't work that you have done what you can and then maybe you can live w/ knowing you tried to save your marriage, but it takes 2 or it will never work and please know there is a light at the end of the tunnel you must have faith in yourself because that is what will get you through now and down the road.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (24 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOregongirl: I respect your input and Im starting to feel that you are right. But I will say this again, I married the woman for a reason. Love is not something you can just switch on and off that easy. Well for me it's not. I don't fall in love halfway with people, I love completely. I don't consider that to be a push over or being weak. Plus according to her, I didn't give her enough attention or time and didn't show her how much I am telling you all that I love her. Thanks for the kind words of "hope" in response to my general question though.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (24 June 2010):
Im out of this one! what do you mean you'll wait until she cools down. you say you have done nothing wrong? honey you are too inlove don't you have your own mind! it seems like everything is about her why don't you just roll out the red carpet i mean common there is being inlove but you are over the top w/ this woman! from reading all your stuff no wonder she can't breath i would'nt want to be in a relationship like that either. you are to up and down go back and read the things you wrote do you not exsist do you not deserve respect or make choices in your life or decisions it sounds like you live and breath her! scary.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (23 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate: She called like she said she would and I did not pick up the phone. She left a message and said that she called like she said she would and she's doing ok and glad to hear that I am feeling better. She then said maybe I will talk to you later or another day. I then txted her back and said sorry I missed the call, and that I was out. Hope she was ok and take care. She then txt back and said no problem, and she was doing ok and hope that I am. I did not respond to the txt.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (23 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: Ok, out of nowhere this morning at 2:00am while I was working, my wife sends me a txt that states "I like your status and I hope you had a goodnight" My status that I posted on the little chat thing said; "I woke up with success on my mind". I then responded to her txt with "Yeah, it's time to get back with the program. And asked her how was work going (it was 8am her time). She then explain that it was ok, just will probably be busy. I told her that I am sure she could handle it and I hope that she has a great day. She then all of a sudden said if I liked that she can give me a quick call later on this evening. I told her that she could if she liked and she said ok, and will talk to me later.
Ok, is this a sign that this method is working or do I still need to limit my exposure with her?
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (23 June 2010):
Yea you still speak to her if she says hello! but don't go out of your way. keep it short and say hey i really got to go and pause she will say something like where are you going or what do you have to do? then you act like you never heard the ouestion!!! and say hey i'll talk to you soon have a great day (trust me) it will keep her wondering
i know im a woman and that would bug me like im not important to him anymore and it would hit me that hes moving on without me oh what a lonely feeling. but don't be so obivous and stick to it because you can't be up and down with it. and i know you love her but she should love and honor you the same.
Good Luck!
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (22 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOregongrl1: I appreciate the info, and my confidence has never left me in general. I just didn't have control over my emotion. I am starting to slowly get control over that again also. At this point in time, I am pretty sure that it is someone else and I am at a very high disadvantage to fight because she is in Switzerland and I am in the US. I am trying this method of not contacting her unless for business purposes. The way it is going so far, it is having the opposite effect that I really want. I will still stick threw it and see what happens. I sent a pic to her today, of a couple that we both know newborn child. She then got off that and asked how I was doing. I said fine and then told her that I would not hold her up so I could end the conversation quickly and told her that I hoped she enjoyed the rest of her day. She then said I am not holding her, but she hopes I enjoy mine as well.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (22 June 2010):
You have a wife who is telling you she doesn't love you anymore! and it is the hardest thing to face but you are not looking at all the facts because you are so inlove w/ her. how do you make some one stay or make some one love you back. there are no easy answers for this one. the more you? ask for her to forgive you for nothing you have done you are taking a piece of you away until there is nothing left! you are only making it harder on yourself and you will never be able to move on! and looking at it in an unselffish way not wanting to let go because you love her will only make your life miserable and making her want it that much more. have a little pride and approach it in a better light. it's not the end of the world and if that is the way you truly feel and can't handle it maybe thats one of the things where you have gone wrong, and that is being to needy and too clingy. i would not want a man like that i would want a strong man and a proud man not one who will crawl to me.. and please don't take it like im putting you down, you are asking and that is how i feel. let her breath and give her some time and be a proud man maybe then she will see you differently? and if she doesn't hey 99% percent of the time is because there could possibly be some one else??? and if it is not and she just wants a divorce you need to just move on you can't hang on to something that is not there! let her see you in a different light i think that way you have a better chance i mean really what possibly else can you do? would you rather try to impress then crawl on your hands and knees and strip you of your pride and man hood and any woman who would allow a man to do that in my book doesn't deserve that man and any man that would crawl too is getting everything he ask for.GOOD LUCK
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (22 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWild Thaing: I understand your logic, but I still think you don't realize that I don't want to let my wife go and move on. I married this woman for a reason. I have a love that passes the elements of what it is defined for this woman. I feel and have been told that I completely ran out of options to win her, and I feel that I have nothing to lose with q1605 and Jilly method. Do I like it, NO. But I have to at least try, because it was explained to me that it’s a proven method and q1605 actually lived out the method. So I have to at least take that into consideration. Once again I am not trying to say that you are wrong and I really do appreciate the responses from you, but I would rather live saying that I lost fighting with every last resource and breath in my body, then have lost because I gave up. Yes it will take some time or maybe years if I do lose, but I am willing to take the risk.
Update: She txt me today and said "Hey you. And asked if I was feeling better?" I explained that I was doing better and we went into doing the financial stuff. I then said thanks for checking on me and she said no problem and that was it.
My question is do I still speak to her when she says hello? Or do I ignore the txts completely? I don't talk to her at all like I use to and it seems that it does not phase her that I don't.
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reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 "The first rule of no contact is no contact. The second rule of no contact is no contact.
All you get from her is a hard time. Why would you seek it out?"
It's called addictive behaviour, and I've experienced it. It's a horrible place to be, and it took me years to get out of it. This poster is on that road, and I can empathize. It's a process like grieving, only many times worse because he will replay his life in his head looking for a way to fix the reality of today. It may also take him years to move on. I would not wish such an experience on anyone.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (21 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: she txted me today and said hey I hope you are feeling better. I just said thanks and nothing more. I have not heard from her since.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (20 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQ1605, you and Jilly are completely right. I have to find some way to be able to not think about her constantly. I have a slight dilemma that will cause me to have to talk to her regardless (shared financial obligations) but I will keep it very brief, short, and to the point.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (19 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: She called me to see how I was doing. We talked on the phone for a while. She then asked me about work and how life is going. Then I talked to her about all the scandals with marriages (which is true) and how they are panning out. We had this long discussion after that about the value of therapy and what it can do to help you face the problems and deal with them, not just adjust. I noticed that she was talking to me in a professional type tone, almost as if I was a customer. I asked her why she don’t talk to me normally. She then said that she did not want to talk to me in a normal tone because she wanted to help with me getting over her. Then folks, she took it upon herself to mention about us and how she can now live her life on her own without me and have become a strong person because of it. She said that she does not look at me like that mentally or physically anymore. I guess it's safe to say I don't have any leverage with her. So my question for you all is. How can I back off and let her start to miss me, when there is nothing in her mind for her to miss??????
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (19 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Supersteph: Thanks for the kind words. Stuff like that is what keeps me going at times. As far as the working out. I did that for her while she was here and I still maintain that. So I am not sure what I can do that she had not already seen? That's why I posted the question about getting ideas for when she come?
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (19 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I kept my distance from her all day yesterday, and did not contact her the entire afternoon. She texted me later that evening and said "I'm ok by the way. Ur night going ok". I told her that I was sick from something I ate, and she kind of just said I should go home and left it that. I also started to notice on different things that she is changing her last name back to her maiden name. I am still trying to keep the faith, but it's not looking good.
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reader, supersteph +, writes (19 June 2010):
Don't cross your fingers. Think this, if she said, "I want to come home to you now." How would you feel? Obviously, a little hurt and confused. We know you love her, we can all tell you'd do anything to make this woman happy. From what you've been posting, you're doing well with the communicating. Try not to text her first. Let her come to you.
My heart goes out to you. It really does. I've just crossed the line from getting over to over it with a horrible break up. The relationship lasted three years.
When you have spent so much time with someone; loving them, caring for them.. you develop a high emotional attachment.. and it seems like a void when that person is no longer there. Don't give up hope. Exercise, eat well, go out with friends. I know you don't want to. But, MAKE YOUrSELF. Keep yourself healthy that way when she does come down, you'll look good. And you'll have more confidence in yourself. As far as when she comes down, that's a ways away from now. You don't know where you'll both be standing metaphorically when she visits to get her belongings. Play it by ear, but most of all, take care of you!
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (18 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo: Wild thaing. I respect your opinion and thanks for that. My main priority is my marriage. I know The way it looks, that it's a strong chance that healing myself will become something that I'm forced to do. For me, it's easy to say that I need to get the ship moving, but true love is not something that can just be changed over night. I even tried new activities and everything, but as I said in previous post. I didn't realize how much love I had for my wife until it was gone. It's time for me to let her have what she wants and love for the both of us and pray that she will once again want to share the love also. Once again, thanks for the comment.
Update: I have not made contact with her, except for the hey how you are doing. She called me and we laughed and talk for a while. Still the usual as far as the relationship, but still waiting and hoping.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (17 June 2010):
"I was just curious if anyone thought like I did and had a suggestion that could maybe open her mind to the idea again"
Such suggestions are folly, which is not to say that there is no hope of salvaging your relationship. But getting back together ought not be your priority - healing yourself is.
When you are ready, work on getting the good ship 170DLW off the rocks and back into open seas. This means successfully being able to put yourself mentally in a place where the thought of letting someone else define your life decisions is anathema. It does not mean never loving again - it means being able to welcome someone into your life that will share a journey of mutual choice, and more importantly being able to avoid people who simply drag you off course.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (16 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks man. I will try my best to fight and
also keep my distance. I pray that you and ur wife are right.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (16 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sure Q1605 wife is correct with that statement. I know it's nothing I can do or say that will make it work. The thing that I am trying to say is, that I can't accept it to be that way. I have already completely backed off from her as suggested by Q1605 and others, I was just curious if anyone thought like I did and had a suggestion that could maybe open her mind to the idea again, not necessarily make her fall back in love. Thanks for the response.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (16 June 2010):
Sir, while these are early days, I have to agree with wife of Q - your partner was gone in spirit well before she let you know. Based on your posts, I would say that your estranged wife has some issues to sort out that have little to do with you. But you also have some issues to sort out as well. You are now in a grieving process that needs to run its course. That process may take weeks or years but holding onto hope is sure to drag out the healing process. Do you have people in America that can be your support system? The right kind of support could cushion the blow immensely.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (16 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have a question for you all. What can I do if she decides to come in Sept. to show her that I am here for her and that she can fall in love with me again. I want to do something and be even more spectacular then the time she first fell in love with me. I need help with this more then ever. Cause I have been thinking, and I am not ready to say i give up. I will still give her the chance to cool off and give her the space she needs, but I also feel that with her. Time will make it worse. Any help with this will be greatly appreciated.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (15 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah rivi, I completely understand what you are saying. My mind wants to do exactly what you are saying, but for some reason my heart and my mind do not see eye to eye in this matter. I know I am only holding myself back with moving forward, and that life will get easier but for now it's the most painful thing ever. As my earlier post states, it’s hard to get rid of something or someone that you had made in your mind a part of you as a person; mentally, emotionally, and soulfully. Like I told her when this first occurred and I still believe this. For me love just does not come pre-packaged with an on and off switch. My love for her is deep and true. It will take a great deal of time for me to heal regardless of what I do. But thanks a lot for the suggestions. I will be considering the last parts of it.
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reader, rivi +, writes (14 June 2010):
Well I don-t understand why a UK degree wd be accepted in NY but not NC but anyway that-s in the past :
Meanwhile for what it-s worth be glad you have your youth and there isn-t the complication of kids......
Try a new hobby - other distraction activities - the usual things : it does all take time but you can help speed things up a bit if you distract yourself with work and outside work activities - try a totally new hobby - trip to a city you have never visited - something along those lines ?
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (14 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Rivi: North Carolina would not even accept her UK degree period. So she was not allowed to set for the NC bar exam. I completely understand what you are saying as far as move one, but she is a one in a million type woman that up this point, I had nothing bad to say about her. Almost the ultimate wife to me. Why do you think I worked my ass off to do what I thought would keep her happy. I know the way it looks is that I will be eventually forced to move on, but its way too hard right now. I married this woman and have a mental undying devotion. It's very hard to change to something different once this is your mind set. Thanks for the comment though, and I will keep everyone updated.
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reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (14 June 2010):
 Go, slow. Let time tell. You did the best you can to save your marriage and your wife is aware of it. What I can just share with you is, live what is happening today without resistance. Take Care and Goodluck.
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reader, rivi +, writes (14 June 2010):
I have a friend with a UK law degree and he passed the NY State Bar exams - supposedly the hardest of all US Bars - with an intensive summer school ie just 3 or 4 months of study :
So if she had really wanted to she could have devoted a year or two at most and passed the NC Bar exams.
For whatever reasons good or bad she has made a decision which is hard on you - but the longer you take to accept it and move on with your life the more you will be wasting precious months.....
I know it-s easy for someone who is not experiencing the heartache to say but that-s why people write to these columns....... to get the objectivity.
And there are no kids and you are still young so try and put it in the cabinet marked / the Past/ and force yourself to date new people / try new hobbies / the usual stuff ....
And good luck !
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (14 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks q1605 for the comment. I feel at this point, I have no other option then to draw the line. Especially after my discussion with her yesterday. I am trying my best to do it as you say, but every time I get my mind a certain way to deal with it. Something little or small triggers the emotion again. To be honest, I knew my love was deep for her but had no idea that it could surpass things that mattered before her and currently after her. well enough of my Gerald Levert talk. I will def keep my faith in GOD. I have always had my faith in him, but double time now. Because my statement of "Success has no end", has recently been proving to not be so true after all.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (14 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: We were texting today and we got on the subject of her coming to visit in September. I asked her how long did she plan to stay and she said that she is not sure. She said that she needed to sort out some stuff that she still has here and could just come for a long weekend. She said that I did not have to take off and could go ahead to work. I told her that I wanted to take off the entire time that she is here and wouldn't mind how long she stayed. I suggested at least seven days. She said that she would let me know. I also asked her if she had planned to stay with me and she said that she is not sure if that would be a good idea. Her words were " Uhm, yeah about that.... I'm not so sure that’s a good idea...? I mean don't get me wrong. It’s nothing against you" I then asked her why not and she said. “I don’t know… I mean, wouldn’t that be a bit weird considering that were separated”. I then said “no it won’t and I insist”. She then said; “Well I’ll think about it but right now I don’t think that’s a good idea, sorry. I said ok, well I respect that and just wanted to save you some money that’s all”. She then said that’s really nice of you, thank you. “I then said well ok, that’s why I insist. But if that’s what you choose to do then I will respect it”. She then said “Ok, thank you”. I then told her that I won’t hold her up and I just wanted to chat for a little and she said “Ur not. I can call you in a few mins if you like. I then told her that I was talking to my mother about the situation and I would txt her in a bit. She then said no problem. Two hours then passed and she txt me back and said hey I gotta go to be, talk tomorrow? I told her yeah and sorry it took so long, and explained that it had just been a long hard talk. She then said “No problem. I understand. I apologize that you have to go through this cause of me… We’ll talk tomorrow if you like. I then said it’s up to her and she said ok.
To supersteph: what if it actually is number 1? What do I do then, I thought that I could just deal with it and let her go, but I can’t. It’s hard as hell. Esp when the woman you are so in love with had sat there and told you that I am not in love with you anymore and will not even give you a chance to prove her wrong. Then you think you may have a final shot when she comes to visit, then she just shoots you down and not even want to stay with you. How can you beat odds that are nowhere close to being in your favor? It is almost as if she has become heartless.
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reader, supersteph +, writes (13 June 2010):
I agree with everything q1605 AND sweetiebabes is saying. But, you also have to draw a line somewhere in between. No, don't contact her. Wait for her to miss you. At the same time, figure out a way to let her know you still care when she brings it up. Don't go nuts, just tell her if she brings it up. Stay off the subject until she gets there. Make her wonder. Women enjoy the chase as much as men do. It's sadistic, but it's true. The thing about this is, she says you hurt her, ignored her, etc. But, she's hurting you right now. I understand it's hard. I really do. I also understand that you would do anything for your wife, who sounds very confused. My guess is.. she's gone back to her home and she's liking it. I'm sure she missed it while in the US. Perhaps she's feeling like an version of herself she's gotten back. I believe it really is one of these things.
1. She really does want to end it and she's just being honest.
2. She's taking you for granted and thinks you will always be there. Well, guess what? You sound like a good guy who only wanted to provide for your wife and do the right thing.
You have to show her you won't always be there, even if it is hard to do.
3. She's enjoying you chasing her and perhaps she doesn't even realize it. She likes all the excess attention after she felt like she was ignored.
I'm leaning on #2, though.
Yes, you may have not had all the time in the world for her but guess what? You were still doing right by her. Explain that to her. You want a good life for the both of you.
Also, is it possible to move somewhere else in the US so she can take the bar exam and practice there? Can you become a police officer somewhere else in the US? There's a high possibility she just wanted her career back. Research it if it sounds like a good idea and let her know that option is available if it is.
I wish you nothing but luck!
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reader, sweetiebabes +, writes (13 June 2010):
Hi. I hope all things will be well. It is a good sign she is making efforts to communicate with you...
GOODLUCK AND MAY GOD BE WITH YOU BOTH.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (13 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I have backed off completely from her and stopped contacting her. She has contacted me though every day and asked how I'm doing and things like that. I have kept it friendly and held back my emotions. So hopefully I will have some success, but it does not look like it just yet.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (12 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I agree q1605. I can't describe the pain that I am feeling with no amount or combo of words know to the English language. I wish I could wake up from a dream, but unfortunately I cannot. I try to say that everything happens for a reason and I need to try and move on, but Its the second hardest task that I've ever been faced with.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (11 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: She called me today and said that she had thought about it and her decision is still no. She is not in love with me no more and that she can't bring herself to say yes to giving me another chance. So I guess that's all I can do. I told her, I have now put it in Gods hands and if we are suppose to be together than we will and if not then we won't be.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (11 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo q1605: she could not take the bar in north Carolina because they would not except her foreign law degree. Also, she is not the type of person that is stuck up and hung over money like that. But I do know she likes nice things and traveling and etc. That's the main principle for me working hard, not that it was a demand by her.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (11 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Sweetiebabes: I did everything in my power and knowledge to support her with her dreams and careers. I strongly supported her during the interview process with jobs and even when she was rejected, I supported her and told her that everything will be ok. Keep your head up and keep the faith. In my mind, I lived every day of my life to make our marriage as comfortable as possible. Here is a little history of hers. She came from a very comfortable life style, where she did not have to worry about much. I knew when I married her that I could not do anywhere close, but I wanted to do my best and work hard to make the transition easy for her. I wanted nothing more than to make my wife happy and happy with our marriage. But as you can see, I failed.
To q1605: You are right. She is in Switzerland and I am in NC. I don't even have the chance to even interact with her. I truly feel in my heart that if I could, then it would be a little bit different. I am sure that I don't have anyone over there fighting for my side of the fence, because I really truthfully did not get to know her friends really well. I am not sure what would work in this situation, but you are right. I have run out of focus, energy, and hope. I can only put it into the hands of GOD completely. I love this woman and that is a fact, but I don't have the power to make her love me back. I have backed off from her and I will still be nice to her because I still love her.
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reader, sweetiebabes +, writes (10 June 2010):
May I share something 170DLW? Yes, q1605 has some points, she doesn't know what she wants and by backing off sometimes would make our mind wonder, and we, women would initiate moves. But this is a case to case basis.
I feel this is not about your marriage but this is about her career, her expectations, and she put the blame in your marriage or how you were unable to give her time but I strongly believe this is not about you but this is about her failures. Did you try to ask her, support her and comfort her about how she feels when she was unable to practice her career as a lawyer in US? Did you try to ask what job would make her happy? Maybe the content of your letter for her was all about how she made you feel. Did you write and ask about what will make her happy?
Don’t give up yet, too many things you need to decipher in your marriage, I feel this is not only about you but this is also about her. Don’t push too hard to right away get answers from her. Be yourself, don’t overcompensate, and just be natural. Be supportive, try to have a communication in normal ways like you are just there for her, don’t talk about your feelings but talk about what makes her happy and what will make her happy. Don’t give up yet, have faith still.
MAY GOD BE WITH YOU BOTH TO ENLIGHTEN YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS!
my prayers,
sweetiebabes
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (10 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice q1605. Do you mind giving telling me how long it took you, and give me a brief discription of what occurred and how it worked? Thanks
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (10 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all,
I spoke with her again today. I did not try to get on the subject about us, but we started talking about her coming to visit in Sept.(She had planned this anyways, so that she could get her stuff) and I asked her what day's did she have in mind so I could take off of work. I then told her that I would try to plan something else and it was a surprise. She would only say " O ok, and what is it? I then asked her the reason why we don't talk, and that prompted her to call me. We got to talking and it seem like we were getting on the subject about us again. I stopped and told her that I didn't want to touch the subject, but she told me to go ahead. So she explained to me the reason why she only replies to me in such a dull manner like she does, is because she does not want to give me a false sense of hope. I told her that she is making it seem like the situation is real easy for her right now, and she does not really care anymore. She said that it is bothering her and that she does think about it all the time. She said the worst thing about the entire situation is that she knows it is hurting me. Then she gave me the spill again about that she does not trust me and all. So if you all are thinking like I am, it seems very clear that I have lost this fight. I will back off completely now, and see if time will loosen her heart like most of you all said, but to me she has made it seem very clearly that she does not miss me, nor does she see a future with us being together, yet she says that she still selfishly want me to be in her life.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (8 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am trying to slack up on the emotions when I talk to her. I only say hi and hope that her day is going well. It won't be hard to do, since I'm usually the only one txting with the exception of today. It's hard to say keep the faith when you feel you have already lost. Thanks again
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (8 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: Well I spoke to her two days ago, and she told me that she was depressed and almost didn’t go to work. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she said that she did not really want to talk to anyone (we were texting). I waited a few minutes and asked her what had her so depressed, and she stated a little bit of everything and that the talk we had this past Sunday had a lot to do with it. I told her that I apologized for making her feel this way and I wanted it to be more of a positive talk and not a negative one. We started talking about other things and at the end of the conversation I told her that I would give her a few days to herself, so that I would not cloud her mind. I have not really spoken to her since except for the usual "Hey how you are doing". I am still waiting to see if she decides to give me another chance at doing it right this time. I have not received an answer yet. It’s starting to look like hope is lost, but I am taking into consideration everyone's advice, as well as the person that has really been sticking with me. Thanks Jilly. I will continue to post updates and please continue with all the helpful advice. I'm not sure what else to do, but wait and put it in the hands of God and hope for the best. Thanks to all for the support.
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reader, Sakuracherry  +, writes (8 June 2010):
This is wonderful news! She has started opening up to you and has showed much appreciation of the letter you wrote. Good work!!! That is so much progress already! You should be very proud of yourself! :)
I read in "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus": that men think that doing big things eg. making money to take care of their woman, or buying something big, = many points. But from the women's perspective, everything that the guy does is equivalent to 1 point in her emotional tank, which means that she appreciates every single thing big or small. So just keep doing many things for her, big or small, to make her feel loved. And from what you have written, you are already doing wonders! :)
Maybe its time u show her just how much she means more to you than your work ... hopefully you can afford a trip there. I'm so excited for you!!! Pls Keep us posted! I'm totally crossing my fingers for you! :)
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (7 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSweetiebabes, thanks for the comment and I will fight hard until the end and give everything that I have to try and make things right. I just hope her hearts is not as harden as she makes it seem.
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reader, sweetiebabes +, writes (6 June 2010):
I feel happy for you. Keep on going, give her the comfort she needs and the emotional support...these are our weaknesses. We want to feel we are needed and wanted.
I hope everthing will work out...don't give up!
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (6 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just had a talk with my wife, and read to her the long seven page heartfelt letter. She told me that it meant a lot that I wrote it. She told me that the reason that she lost her love for me was because I worked all the time, and did not seem to pay any attention to her and ignored the fact that she gave me subtle hints that I was doing this. She also said that I acted like I did not love her when I was around and did not embrace her. She said that she tired her best so many times to make it work, but it just never seem to. I told her that I worked hard because I wanted to provide a great life for her, and that she meant the world to me. I told her that I was ashamed and truly sorry that I did not be that man she needed, and I made a genuine promise that If she gave me a second chance then I would be the man that she needed me to be and will never ignore her or over work again. She told me that it’s hard for her to say that it is worth it to trust that I will do that. I told her to let me prove it to her, and let’s spend time together. She said that she would need to some time to think about it, cause if she answered at this moment it would be no. She also said that she can't promise that it will be a yes after she does think about it.
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reader, Minelisse  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 There is nothing like being present. Go there on vacation. Give it one more go. Stay for 10-12 days and try to win her back. Talking on the phone is not the same as being with each other. Make plans to stay at a hotel or something and ask her out to dinner to talk. If it doesn't work, at least you would have tried your best. If it does you need to find a way to be together.
My husband and I live about 2 hours away on the week and together in the weekends. It is definetely not the same when we talk on the phone. It is easier to forget you love someone when all you have is a voice!
Best of lucks.
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reader, sweetiebabes +, writes (5 June 2010):
You have a tormenting situation. You cannot find answers to your questions. Worst thing, she won't open up with you. I think the best for you to do is give her space. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I guess so. Perhaps she needs time for herself to be alone to think clearly or perhaps she needs more than what you can just give and she just can't tell you that...I might be wrong, it is just my feeling.
I think too it is a good idea to give her the letter you wrote, it might be an eye opener for her...by making her feel and understand how much she means to you. GOODLUCK.
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reader, 170DLW +, writes (5 June 2010):
170DLW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you all for the quick responses and info.
- To sweetiebabes: Thanks for the idea about the 40-60 days leave. The issue with that is that I don't think she wants me to come over? She has been there working for about two months and I continued to stay in the USA. When she broke the news to me that she wanted a divorce, I suggested that if we had time together with one another, then I am sure that everything would be ok. She told me that she does not think that would change anything. She told me that it was nothing that I could do or change to make the situation any different and that's just how it is. Then she gives me that I have tons of love for you spill, but I am not in love with you. I have pretty much told her that I love her beyond being in love and that I am willing to do any and everything to save our marriage. I asked her last night if she still loved me a tiny bit, and she asked me "Why are you doing this to yourself".
- To Dear Jilly: The thing with practicing law in the USA. Her degree is from the UK, and for some reason North Carolina does not except it any and she would have to go back through law school all over again if she wanted to practice law here. The thing is with her, she is 30 as of today, and she once mention that she wanted to be alone and find herself. I have tried to do any and everything that I could to support her and to let her know that she does not have to be alone and that I am there for her, but she still refuses to continue this marriage. Is there any way to explain to her about the in love response that you gave me for a 30yr old?
- To lost in love: The issue with that is, she is already kind of living a separate life from me, because I am still in North Carolina and she is working in Switzerland. I suggested the other day that she allow me to express to her how I feel and things that I think I have done wrong and could improve on because as of yet, I still do not know what I did wrong. I have written this long seven page paper to say to her and pouring every ounce of my heart and soul in it. Hopefully this will work.
- To sakuracherry: I think that it is a great suggestion and I am trying to save up for the trip now. Unfortunately, police officers don't make a ton of money and I’m scared that it may take too long. I am still trying everything in my power to do all I can here, just not sure what I can really do to get through to her with the distance that we have between us?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Sorry, I also can't recommend you to leave your work and life behind just to realise she has made up her mind at last and you aren't included in her new life. Moreover, you are not told yet what the problem is, essentially. Maybe she doesn't know, as she says, but in this case a relationship would be too much to handle for her.
Therefore, I would let her think long and hard about what she wants and when she can talk in more certain terms, taking your best interests at heart, then you can maybe think of new ways to be together, if at all possible. Until then, let her take care of her needs, determine her wants, attain that dream job and overall establish what makes her happy, and what she actually wants.
The way I see it, your wife has already left you and says she is dazed and confused. She was "confused" before buying the house, but as many people do, she went ahead with it viewing that arrangement as a helper with your issues - that she didn't even discuss with you. So it's OK not to trust her at this point. For many reasons some follow what is seemingly the natural flow of events, even if it isn't what they most intimately want.
As time passes and you receive news from each other and see how you cope - if she agrees to stay in touch, then maybe you can see more clearly what is going on and what road is best for this marriage.
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reader, sweetiebabes +, writes (5 June 2010):
I feel sad with your post, I don't know if I am worthy to give you one but there is just one thing that prompts me to write...don't give up your work.
I have experienced the same, giving up my work to save my marriage and followed him but it did not change everything, my life became even miserable.
I would suggest, take 45-60 days leave from your work if you can, but don't give it up. You can talk sincerely with your HR about your problem, I am sure they will understand you and they will give you the opportunity to resolve your personal issues. My company did the same thing with me, they gave me 60days leave to sort out my family problems back in my home country. Perhaps your wife is feeling depressed for she lost her job and she take it out on you...her resentment, her depression...she is lost momentarily and doesn't know how to handle these things. If I were you, I will give her the emotional support, make her feel you are there for her, give her the upliftment that you can survive with all these trials...give her comfort, she needs it very much this time.
Goodluck to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Dear 170DLW,
Of dear, oh dear, I too feel sad just reading your obviously very difficult and stressful situation. I so hope you can both work this out, it may take an awful lot in-put from both you, in fact that is the only way you will resolve this, if that's possible. If someone decides for whatever reason they no longer have the feelings they once had, OR think they should be feeling IN-LOVE to remain married, all the good will in the world will not make any difference. It has be two-way.
These are common problems with two people from different pats of the world, which of course once you've fallen-in love is irrelevant, nevertheless something which seems to be the bolt of the problem. Your wife is unable to practice law in the States, so has returned to where she can, and you have followed now in an effort to save your marriage, how admirable.
If only some compromise - half-way meeting point could be found for both of your work/career, perhaps then it could work. However, not knowing much about the States etc, I'm not sure if she could re-sit law exams which would then enable her to practice in the USA.
But as she is saying ' she is no longer in-love ' with you, yet feels tons of love, wherever she worked will not erase the problems. You are both very young, although this doesn't make any difference to love, love is love if felt deeply, whatever the age. Only marriage is MORE about routine, everyday life, paying the bills, a larger framework than just the two people, it's both families too.
Your wife appears to think, feel, if she is no longer in-love, that she is not able to remain married to you. I'm afraid being in-love, lasts only a brief time, long enough to bond us together, then we grow closer, a deeper companionship is created, and from those first heady heights, we settle into a calmer more sustaining aspect of love - a deeper and enduring love. May be your wife is too young emotionally to see this, and still wants the heady stuff after 4-5 years of marriage, which can never last a lifetime..as we would be emotionally exhausted and have little time for much else.
For marriage to last and grow in all directions, you need two people who accept that marriage itself is NOT a fairy tale, that it's not I love you's all the time, or full of romantic gestures as it was in the first few months. This does not mean to say those moments won't come into play every so often to re-instate those lovely feelings, but overall marriage is a journey of ups and downs, the real stuff of life, and for that you have to be emotionally mature.
I would suggest perhaps you consider relationship counselling, so at least you have both tried every avenue open to you to save your marriage - then if it fails, you can look back and know you tried everything possible!
I really wish you luck..you sound a good husband!
Jilly x
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reader, Sakuracherry +, writes (5 June 2010):
HiI am so sorry to hear about your situation. If she is The One and you do not want to let her go, could it be possible that you make a trip there to see her? Maybe it could rekindle the spark that she lost and make her realise how much she had forgotten.It might be really tough on your finances and situation but this way you know that you have given your best shot and you can one day look back with no regrets. ANd you wont be thinking "if only i had ..."Long distance relationships can be tough. Is there anyway that you would be able to move there permanently if things work out?I hope that things get better for you soon.
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