A
female
 ,
*elenNZ
writes:Hi,I have been living with my partner N for three years. He is 24, I am 25. We both love each other very much, but since the beginning of our relationship I have been getting bouts of doubt about our future together. It happens every couple of months or so and I lose the passion, see the negative side of things and wonder if I would be better off with someone more similar to myself, ie: we have maturity differences, intellectual differences, ambition differences... anyway, just variable issues- the main problem is that I totally feel stuck in limbo: I love this man and when I think of seperating it tears me apart, yet I fear that I am choosing 'under' myself which prevents me from being able to commit 'forever'.What should I be looking for that could tell me that our relationship could or couldn't make it long-term? Which issues REALLY matter?
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female
reader, HelenNZ +, writes (7 February 2010):
HelenNZ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there,
I've returned after 4 years to ask another question (which I'll put in a different thread) and had totally forgotten this one. First of all, thanks for the replies, they're much appreciated.
The end of the story is: after a further year, we decided to go our separate ways. He was young and felt he hadn't experienced enough of life. Which I can understand. My niggling doubts never went away and I've since realised we would have been incompatible in the long run. On the surface it was a very nice relationship but it had no real depth- I don't think he even really knew who he was.
I've since had two relationships but again find myself plagued by doubts and decided to end them. Both times for good reason I think, but I also do start to wonder about my ability to be 100% in love. I have just started a new relationship which has an interesting and perplexing twist, which I shall write about in my question...
A
female
reader, lildeesbg  +, writes (9 September 2005):
 Been there ! You guys have been together for a long time and honestly having doubts is common and normal. The reason you have these doubts is because you have been with this person so long you start to wonder...is their anyone else out there?? Is this the guy I am going to stay with forever?? Then you start getting bored with his looks which can effect the sex department in your relationship. This can happen especially if you have single friends who are dating numerous guys.
having differances are normal too. I would think it would be rather boring if you two are on the same level and had the same interest on everything. You would never have an diversity.
As for maturity issues, most men are immature about things thats how they are. As women we tend to see the bigger picture. As long as his immaturity isnt uncalled for, rude, or humiliating I dont think it should be a huge issue. Honestly, it sounds like its mostly your insecurities taking over and makes you look at every detail in your relationship.
You love him and you said it yourself thinking of ending it would tear you apart. I just think that there are moments in your relationship where it gets boring and too familiar. Which means you need to work on it. Instead of wallowing in your doubt do something. For example take a spontaneous small get away, or do activities you both like and havent tried yet. Over all do things you havent done, stay away from the same restaurants,bars,and hangouts you two always go to.
To answer your questions I dont think there are any "signs" that tell you this person is or isnt for you. What i can say is if you keep saying "Thank goodness I dont have to deal with that" when witnessing or hearing about another relationship, thats a good sign.
As for what issues really matter,that is completely up to you and what type of person you are. If you want my personal opinion it would be the following:
is he goal oriented? are you compatable with his family? are you happy? is he abusive, verbally or physically? can you trust him? can you be open and honest with him? can you be silly with him?
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A
female
reader, missdee +, writes (7 September 2005):
When it comes to true love there is no above or under. You are willing to accept the person just as they are. If you are 3 years with this man and feel this way maybe you need to think seriously about what would life be without him. If you don't like what you see then you need to determine if you love him enough to love him as he is, flaws and all.
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (6 September 2005):
 You know what they say; opposites attract. We can't help who we fall in love with and, sometimes, they want the total opposite of what we want. No matter how much we tell ourselves they're not for us, we just can't help it. A love that can get through differences like this will surely be a very strong love in the end.
Remember, couples don't always have to agree on everything. That's what makes it exciting, two differing personalities coming together, compromising. Just as long as you get what you want from your life, don't worry what he wants. Just be happy and chill, do everything you want to do in life and enjoy it. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (6 September 2005):
Hi Helen,
In my own experience, when my own doubts have surfaced in relationships about my partner, they have always preceded a split. This is not to say that your relationship with your boyfriend cannot be salvaged, but I have been there myself and sadly for me, it has always proved to be the beginning of the end.
have you and your boyfriend actually discussed what your expectations are within your relationship? Are you both working towards the same goals? Does he have the same doubts that you have or is he perfectly happy to continue with the relationship as it is?
The relationship CAN work- but it will take work on yours, and your partner's side. The question that you really need to ask yourself is- do you want the relationship to work out in the long term? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man?
A lot of people stick in mediocre relationships long after the relationship has become stale through fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of hurting their partner, fear of being heartbroken and fear of making an irreversible wrong decision. Having been in unhappy relationships myself, with hindsight I think it is a million times better to be single and your own person than to be trapped in an arrangement that you have now outgrown. If you do decide to spilt up with your partner, will you regret your decision?
As far as maturity and intellectual matches go, whether you are well suited is your decision. You can only trust your own perspective. Some people may be happy to date "below" their level and appreciate the different viewpoints that can enrich the partnership. Others would not even consider dating an intellectual inferior. If intellect and stimulating conversation are high on your priorities (and they are on many women's wants!) then staying with a partner that does not fulfil your needs will only lead to frustration, and you seeking to have your needs met elsewhere.
The best pairing is with a person with whom you can be yourself, who will enrich your life and be honest, loyal and give you loving support. If you can find someone who you respect and love regardless of their failings, and they can provide you with the points listed previously, then you are well on your way to finding the right one.
All he best of luck, whatever you decide to do.
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