A
female
age
41-50,
*mptyHeart
writes:Ok, need help on this one! This is sort of embarrasing but I need someone to tell me what I should do. I have 3 children from my last marriage. I am widowed. I finally meet a wonderful man, and we are engaged to be married in July. I have a cape cod style house, where our bedroom is downstairs and the kids are upstairs. Every night, we try and be VERY quiet during sex, (we whisper actually), but she texts me on my phone to say that she hears us. Mind you, this is 11:00 at night and she is STILL up! I can't wait until 1 in the morning, as I have to work every day either. It is ruining our sex life-and we are not even married yet, but I also don't want to mess up my daughter either. Its making it weird to be around her. HELP! Don't know what to do!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2014):
 NOT only would I not be quiet... I'd throw it in her face.
but then that's me. SEX between a loving committed adult couple is NORMAL and natural.
Most kids walk around with earbuds in 24/7 anyway. She is doing this to "cock block' you totally.
I doubt she hears you... even if she did how does she know what the sounds of sex are? Ask her that... watch her blush.
throw it in her face. turning over on an old mattress will make noise...
I'd get in the bed and I'd bounce rhythmically and let her think what she thinks.
I'd also TURN OFF MY DAMN PHONE. you probably have a land line.. set your phone message to say "my phone is off at night if this is an emergency call the land line" or something like that.
my stepdaughter one day said to me: "I know what you and daddy were doing last night I heard you" I said "what were we doing???" she said 'you know having sex, I heard you laughing" and I said "honey if you hear me laughing it's not cause we are having sex"
Your daughter is being a very bright, very manipulative, very insecure and jealous 15 yr old.
how about she goes into some private therapy to work out her anger at you "moving on" she probably feels you are betraying her daddy. Which you know you are not... but she can't see that.
I also think a bit of "family counseling" for you the kids and your fiance is in order to help everyone figure it all out.
Blending families is hard.
Blending families where there is a deceased parent has to be even harder.
Blending families with teens.. I'd rather chew glass.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 February 2014):
*Sigh*
Call me whatever you want, but its because of this kind of crap that I never got involved with a woman with children. If I were the guy, Id be one foot out the door once a 15 year old from another man started dictating my sex life.
IMO, any person who is willing to accept living with children from other marriages deserves a gold star already. In the end, the adults should be the ones making the rules and running the household anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): she's 15 so not a child anymore, sooner or later she'll be having sex as well, if not already, so it's time to get over the idea that mummy is only a mum, so just say very politely that besides her mother you're still a woman and that you f... and in case she hear anything she should just try to sleep instead of texting you. Turn on the tv loud and close the door. Ah the days of sunday school...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 February 2014):
 Sorry, nobody asked me but I really have trouble keeping my big mouth shut and not adding my two cents .
OP, what do you mean exactly with " they know they can't get away with anything with him " ?
HOW do they know ? Because his job his neither let them get away with something ,nor " not letting them get away with anything ".
You won't mean that you let him do the parenting and the disciplining in your lieu, right ? YOU are the one who is in charge to decide with what they can get away , or not.
Because a new husband is not a new FATHER. He deserves to be treated with respect and politeness, like any other adult - (and with affection if it comes natural in time ) , but , as you remark yourself, he is not the kid's parent , you are.
He can advice you on how to handle certain situations , he can give you his opinion ( obviously . Even we Aunts are doing precisely that,.. and we don't even know you ! :) but, YOU decide what's the right approach with your kids, and you apply it and enforce it. If YOU think you have been too soft in the past and YOU want to change educational systems, that's cool. But not just because HE thinks that things should be done differently. If he wants to raise kids his way, - he should make his own kids . He joined an already made , already functioning family unit , so he's the one who needs to tread lightly and make adjustments.
I know that other people won't agree with me, they think that the new stepdad automatically takes on the role, rights and prerogatives of a father and head of a family. My personal opinion is : heck no. With " submissive " mothers like you these things have a way to take soon a bad David Copperfield aura ( David Copperfield the character from Dickens, not the magician :). Your future husband is a wonderful partner, I do not doubt, but frankly , maybe it's an unhappy choice of words, but .. he " gets MAD " at you because you don't use a more " aggressive " way with your daughter ? He has a deep loud voice, and not the common sense or courtesy to tune it down at 11 PM when there's people in bed ?... Uhm. Sounds bossy to me. Or at least sounds like he needs a partner that can stand up for herself , her kids and her choices.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): You need to firmly but gently put your daughter in her place.
She has absolutely no right to be texting you in this way.
Many kids over-hear their parents having sex and learn that they have to laugh it off or just go through the normal "Oh my God parents having actual SEX" feelings that millions of kids have to go through.
You can reassure her that you love her and always will.
But you MUST start working as a team with your partner. He is right that you are too submissive with your own children. You are not protecting them by behaving in this way, you are allowing them to walk all over you and it will ruin your life and, eventually, theirs as well.
Children NEED discipline and sometimes that discipline is hard to enforce. I don't mean punishment, here. Discipline is something entirely different that sometimes involves punishment. Discipline is about respecting boundaries, respecting routines and behaviours within an organisation, including a family organisation. Discipline involves respecting pecking orders and it involves a conscientiousness towards others.
Talk to your daughter about how your new family will be working as a new team together and that you are relying on her to set a really good example for her siblings. REassure her that she will always have a special place in your heart. If she is fifteen talk to her about sex and the fact that soon she will want a sex life of her own and that, when and if she does, she can talk to you about it if she wants but she must begin to learn that sex is a VERY private thing and that, as a mature adult, she must learn to be discreet about her own and other people's sex lives. Make light of whatever sounds she hears - although I personally doubt she can hear anything at all - and reassure her it's normal but unavoidable that children sometimes hear parents and that, one day, she will probably face a similar problem so what is the best way forward? She is calculating on embarassing you into submission so that she can manipulate things - you must not let her do this and you must at least make a show of refusing to be embarassed about it. I know you may feel embarassed, but you must not let her see this as she will manipulate it.
Talk to your partner about it and involve his advice. Emphasise to everyone involved that you are all going to be working and living as a team, so it will be good to get into the practice of having 'team' discussions - whether this is with you all as a family or just sometimes a few members, you are all working to make sure that everyone is happy. Be firm.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (16 February 2014):
 It's difficult to tell what's the real reason why your daughter acts like that.1) She may hate the idea that "mummy" (who used to be the other half of "daddy") bonks another guy. Mummy may be seen as an easy women who did not respect daddy's memory (a very common problem).2) She may be jealous of this guy who "stole" her her stardom in a family where she used to feel she was in the center place. That's the same feeling some kids have when a new sibling comes to the world. A share of mummy less (or even more).3) She may have a crush for your fiance. Some girls develop such a secret feeling, and she feels betrayed by the guy they would like to have for themselves, the younger ladies of the herd. In the nature, the young ones are used to fight with the older ones over their prerogatives and their relationship with the alpha-male.4) She may want to break the harmony of your couple as to expel your fiance from your house, for any reason she may have, including pure antipathy, or the fact this guy acts like her father (forbidding her to do what she wants to as a young and hormones tortured teenager) while not being really her father. For her, it's maybe seen as unfair.5) She may have found this trick to make pressure on you, as to get something later, something to sooth her. Maybe she's aiming to go with her friends in vacations this summer, but knows you would not agree letting her go there at 15 yo. So, she's just preparing a bargaining chip for the moment she will have to obtain your agreement. And for sure you will be soooo glad to let her go for ten days out of your house.We could find much more motives, but anyway, I think she is just pressuring you or to punish you, or to get something from you. It's not unacceptable as YOU are the adult, YOU are the parent, YOU gave her birth and not the other way round. YOU provide her what she needs, YOU have more experience of life than her. She MUST respect you in YOUR house, anywhere and anytime.YET I understand she may be disturbed by the moanings, the "sounds of love" that may make "dirty" images appear in her imagination. That's not uncommon too. Consequently, you could decide to put some new wall-to-wall carpeting in her room, with a good soundproofing layer underneath. It might be enough if you don't make walls shaking during your romps.Be careful: she may test as well the sonority of your home in order to make you soundproof your bedroom... because she wants to be sure HER own (sex) sounds won't be heard by anybody else. That's an hypothesis to be meditated...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): I'm sorry, but I don't really see what the big deal is with you having sex. You're an adult and you can do whatever you want. Why are you letting your 15 year old daughter run your life?
I think you need to sit her down and say something like, my boyfriend lives with us, and it's obvious that we love each other and make love to each other. If it keeps you up at night, please talk to me about it, or listen to music, get a sounds machine, turn a fan on, etc. etc.
I know your children have struggled with the loss of their father, but 6 years is a long time and children are very resilient. They need to realize that YOU have your own life live.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): My mother died when my youngest brother was only two. My dad had a housekeeper/nanny; but she didn't live with us. He had the full range. Toddler to teenager; which included everything in between. All at the same time!
He had to be a mother and a father. He didn't let you get away with anything. Yet he was affectionate and sweet.
He was a joker, but yet he could be firm and very strong.
I tell you, he was our rock of Gibraltar.
He also had just the right amount of gentility; that we knew you just wanted to keep him in that mood. He raised boys and girls.
You still have to discipline your children; that doesn't make them hate you. Missing a parent doesn't mean children should get their way.
The problem I see up the road, is your new husband (not being their biological father) is going to have a tough time. They're going to come to you to defend them. They
will treat him like an outside, not their father.
You will leave all the discipline and tough-love to him, and they will become resentful. Thinking you forced him on them. You don't really want that. You must be a partner; and stand together as a team supportive of each other.
They will feel safe and secure; and well protected. Not like you're ganging up on them. Avoid the good-cop/bad-cop scenario. There should be a good balance not to confuse them. You are both good-cops and parents.
You will truly regret allowing the oldest to push you around. The others will mimic her behavior. So start now, while she is still too young to realize her power. Girls learn very quickly as you know, and the closer she gets to 18, the more of a handful she'll be.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (15 February 2014):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reason why Im a little less aggressive is that they actually lost their father 6 years ago. So, I feel bad for them. I feel like I have to protect them. Yes, I am a very submissive person, but when I do actually try to be more assertive, She knows that and will take full advantage of that. My fiance is the extreme opposite and gets mad at me for not being aggressive enough.
Also, he lives with us, so she is used to him being there. For the most part, she gets along with him, but of course, it is not her dad. But they all know they cannot get away with anything with him.
I have to be better with that. I will try and confront her about it. I cannot step on eggshells anymore. Yet, I will not be obnoxiously loud about sex either. Dont want to scar her!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 February 2014):
While I agree with the others that this is not just a problem of being bothered by the noise , as it could be with a noisy neighbour, and that your daughter probably is a) not keen on sharing you with a stepdad b ) tryng to show you who is really in charge and who's the real boss in your house between the two of you , I can see her point , poor kid. I mean, beisde having to be closely, bluntly confronted with the realization that her mother is an active sexual being, which yes is normal, natural, healthy etc. all you want, but it is disquieting for any teen son or daughter , ... maybe she is actually trying to fall asleep !, the racket must be intolerable , what with the TV on loud, the whirring fan, the noisy mattress, your fiance' with his booming voice , and you shushing him all the time.
You need both to not let yourself be intimidated in your own house, - you are not doing anything wrong or shameful, you are just having sex with your soon to be husband , AND ( important and ) respect your daughter's right to get her rest, and to not be exposed to a red light district soundtrack everyday. That not only and not particularly because she is your daughter, I'd say the same if she were an adult friend or relative. She lives there too , and if she is not into hearing the live show every time, I can't blame her.
What does it mean " my boyfriend has a deep loud voice " ?. It's not that he can't control that !
He can learn to tune it down. He can just keep quiet. Tell him BEFORE you go to bed, when you are out of the bedroom, and tell him that if he does not master a noiseless lovemaking style , like most people who live with family or roommates have got to do , like it or not, that's going to affect YOUR enthusiasm, your capacity to orgasm , and your sexual availability, because some people don't enjoy lovemaking if they have to feel they are performing in front of an audience.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): You shouldn't be intimidated by your daughter. She knows exactly what is going on. She isn't keen on the idea of you being intimate with a man other than her father.
That is the root of your problem. You are walking on eggshells not to offend her. That isn't the best way to handle it.
You're trying to stay her friend. She doesn't want or need a thirty-something year-old best friend. She needs a mom.
You're trying not to confront her and taking the submissive role, to make her accept your fiance'. I recognize this issue, and I've seen it dozens of times. You're playing up to her. The thing is, she knows that's what you're doing. She has been a handful since your divorce, and you're trying to keep things calm. She is assuming the more dominant role. Now she knows she's embarrassing you.
You gave her a tool. She's being manipulative. Take it back.
Do not show your embarrassment. That isn't the way you want to approach sex; nor do you want to encourage disrespect for your authority. Allow her, the others will follow. It will spread.
It will go from you, to your fiance', and she 'll practice it on teachers; and other adults. Time to be the mother of a teenager. She isn't a baby anymore; and she is going to challenge you.
If you act like she is the boss, your soon to be husband is going to be a parent. She will like him even less, and upset your household. It has already started. Be calm, show authority. Be gentle and encouraging when she is cooperative.
Mothers afraid of their daughters end up on tranquilizers and booze. That's not the route you want to take. Make no big deal over this issue. It's tiny compared to what's down the road. After you're married.
If his voice is heavy and loud, talk to him about it. He's ignoring you. It isn't something he can't control. Do you have some problem with being assertive in your household?
Is everyone just going to walk all over you? Again, mothers like that end up on tranquilizers and booze.
Families establish house-rules. The younger children should not be aware when you make love. The older child should mind her own business. She has brought something important to your attention. You're too loud. Listen to her.
The suggestion about the headphones was the best, and you should stop playing big-sister; and be mom. Suggest that she use them; if she feels uncomfortable or can't get to sleep. Eleven o'clock is early for a teenager. Are you out of your mind? You expect her to fall asleep knowing he's in the house for the night? Take control, be in control, and she'll fall inline.
Buy the earphones and suggest that she use them; if she hears things she doesn't want to. Do not let a teenage think they have the better of you. You'll regret it. Especially daughter vs. mom.
If you don't control them now,your new husband will have no authority, and he will be seen as a bully and intruder when he tries to take is appropriate role as their dad. You've been coddling them and protecting them since the divorce.
That's your job. Now they must adapt to changes.
Their feelings and safety are your priority, but they don't make the rules.
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (15 February 2014):
I'll tell you what not to do. My wife won't do it if there's a conscious person elsewhere in the house. Mix that in with teenagers who live on an entirely different clock and it's a recipe for no sex life. We're six plus months at this point.
Assert yourself. You're the parent. You're not doing anything wrong -- it's an essential part of a healthy relationship. Tell her she's being rude pointing it out. And yes, headphones wouldn't be a bad idea either.
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (15 February 2014):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh also we just got a new bed so it wouldn't squeak, we also need a new mattress, hopefully it'll be more supportive and less noisy as well. I think it's his voice in combination with the mattress. Hurts to have sex on floor too when we have a bed. I never had a teenager before, this is new to me. Do any of you all have experience with older kids in house? What do you do? I feel like we can never have sex anymore because she listens to everything and cause she is older and knows more. The other 2 are 11 and 10. They have no idea yet.
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (15 February 2014):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYup she is almost 15, and yes she is soooo sassy and thinks she's the boss around the house. When she mentions anything, i usually change the subject or blame it in the tv being loud. I'm just so embarrased. We are not loud at all and most of the time I try and put the tv on real loud and a fan to mute the noise. My fiancé has a deep loud voice so even when we are trying to be quiet he can't. I keep saying shhh. It's so frustrating and awkward. I don't know if I'm scarring her, if I should approach it honestly or brush it aside.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 February 2014):
 How old is she?
If she is still up at 11, I'm guessing she is 15-16+? I would buy her some headphones - if she can hear you two, she can put those on.
She is quite sassy isn't she? I agree that you DO need to remind her that YOU are the parent.
I do agree that you should consider finding a way to make it less noisy - not sure what it is she can hear (bed banging or you howling) if it's the first well move the bed away from the wall, if it's the latter... tone it down, you can still enjoy sex without the howling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): You don't mention her age; but she is obviously old enough to be opinionated and a little sassy.
She may not care for your fiance'; and the point is to embarrass you. If she is a teenager, they can be very vindictive and pointed. If she is younger, then you might consider alternating and spending an evening over his place; and splitting the cost of a babysitter. Maybe get a motel room some weekends.
Your daughter can wear earplugs or earphones. I somehow don't think that will fully remedy the situation; if she is going through her rebellious teens. Put your foot down, and be the adult in the situation.
First off, you know the kids are in the house, set up your bedroom for sex. Noise-proof it. Make love on the floor, if the bed squeaks or the headboard knocks. You know better than being vocal with children in the house.
Send the kids to spend nights over their grandparents, sleepovers with friends, or at their aunts and uncles.
Your problem is a very easy one to solve, and you really haven't personally given it much thought. You're the parent, she is the child. Don't hesitate to remind her.
Once you are married and you all become a family, she has to understand that making love with your husband is natural and it will happen regularly. Parents around the world still make love, and they have children.
If she doesn't like it, to darn bad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): Talk to her and ask her what she hears, and don't be embarrassed to do so. She can't hear whispering, surely? I had an upstairs neighbour whose bed made the most irritating creaking noises when she was being intimate with her BF. One time (after she'd woken me up coming in drunk at 3am with BF and then kept me awake with the noise of the creaky bed) I told her that I could hear those noises, and she oiled the bed. Problem solved. Maybe your bed is creaky, or the headboard bangs against the wall (had that problem with another neighbour).
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 February 2014):
I have a couple of ideas: add sound deadening material to her ceiling or get her a pair of in ear headphones and tell her that sex is perfectly natural but you completely understand that she doesn't want to hear it.
When I was a kid I occasionally heard my parents having sex and I didn't care for the sound but I also was aware they weren't doing anything wrong so I just plugged my ears or listened to music.
I don't know how old she is but it sounds like she's a little too used to getting her way because texting your mom at 11pm and telling her you can hear her having sex is pretty ballsy.
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