A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Really need helpSo since early January I have been seeing this lovely guy, and we both really like each other and everything has been going so well but now just as we are on the verge of becoming boyfriend and girlfriend to one another he has told me that his best friend has told him that she wants a romantic relationship with him. He now says he feels conflicted as he has feelings for me but doesn't want to lose his friend because he cares for her very much. We still text everyday but I haven't seen him since this has happened as he thought it was only fair to see neither of us until he makes his decision. I feel very lost here, I know that he has feelings for me but I am afraid I will lose him to his friend because I am newer in his life. I know we both feel strongly for each other and we still don't go a day without hearing from one another but I'm getting scared now this will all have been for nothing. He has told me he finds this situation very difficult too but I don't know how I could help or make it easier, I just want to be with him. Is there anything I should do?
View related questions:
best friend, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 February 2014):
 I agree with Aunt Babbit. Tell him thanks but no thanks and walk away.
He is playing fast and loose with your emotions by keeping in touch daily while he tries to pick a winner. Phht to that baloney!
Tell him there is no decision for him to make because you are making the decision, that you will not settle for any man who is not prepared to make you the centre of his world. Block his number, block him on facebook and any other sites he is on.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (15 February 2014):
 Hi OP, I'm sorry my love but I think if this guy really wanted to be with you, no-one would be able to prevent him getting together with you.
If he's undecided then it's because his feelings for you aren't strong enough.
Maintain your self respect and make it easy for him. Tell him that you want a guy who is sure of his feelings for you from the start and only has eyes for you.
Hold your head up high sweetheart and wait for a guy who will see you as the centre of his world, you deserve that.
I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 February 2014):
 OP, for me the choice would be very simple. I'd walk away and wash my hands of him entirely.
He obviously has a romantic interest in this other woman or he wouldn't be confused. He wouldn't risk losing the girl of his dreams just to spare a friend's feelings.
Clearly he plans on keeping this 'friend' around and the fact that she's made a move on him knowing he's involved with someone else means she can't be trusted. That this 'lovely guy' would even consider maintaining such a 'friendship' demonstrates he's not trustworthy either.
If he has to decide whether or not he wants you then he doesn't want you enough. My advice is to gracefully bow out and sever all ties with him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): You haven't become close enough to be in competition with someone already established as a best friend. She will always be there, and she will do everything she can to be a wedge between you. So don't let your feelings go any further.
His feelings for her have a foundation; his feelings for you are in the making.
It is highly probable he is already having sex with that women. You are a distraction and something fresh on the side. If they haven't had sex, she will seduce him. The fact he is conflicted already proves she is in the running.
If you do decide to foolishly insist on being in a triangle; just keep in mind. His best friend isn't going anywhere.
They are going to message each other, hangout together, and do all the things best friends do.
You will always be suspicious, and you will be fighting over a man. That's desperate.
In our head, you're going to thinking let the best woman win. She has a head-start, and she knows you'll always be jealous of their connection. You will want to ask him to get rid of her. He will not. She will come after you for that. Trust me she will. She will give it all she's got. She knows him better than you do.
Save yourself the trouble, give him up. You'll never fully trust him; unless you're willing to share. That is the only way this will workout. He is in middle. The best place to be. You'll never feel secure.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 February 2014):
 Honestly, it sounds to me that he is keeping you stringed along in case it doesn't work out with the "friend".
I would tell him that YOU have made a choice to END it. Don't sit around and wait for a guy to make up his mind of he wants to be with you or not. I think IF a guy needs time to "think" it over, he doesn't REALLY want the relationship.
If he DOES chose you do you think you can trust him around that girl? Or any other girl? Because hey, he might see something shiny elsewhere and need a break to think it over.. again.
SPARE yourself the pain, heartache and STAB in the gut and just end it. Find yourself a guy who WANTS you and ONLY you.
And stop being so desperate to be with a guy that you let him walk all over your feelings. Because I get that you REALLLLLLLLY like him, but if the shoe was on the other foot and you couldn't pick between two guys would you string one of them along or heck even both?
Do you even know if he is taking time to "think" or he is testing the "dating waters" with her right now? Because I think he is testing the waters with her while talking to you, his backup plan.
Sorry, honey - I'd walk - no, run from this one. He isn't being fair to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): Either he's a fool or he's lying to you.
First off he lost her as a friend the minute she admitted her feelings for him. Even if he wasn't to date you he'd never have a friendship with her again because that'll never be enough for her. He literally can't have her in his life unless he gives a relationship a shot.
So he either doesn't understand that, or he likes her too.
Honestly OP it's more than likely you've lost him. Even if the friend were to back off and he started dating you, while trying to remain friends with her, it'll become a nightmare of watching her heart break and never being able to have you both in the same room etc.
Now if I were you, I'd be deeply insulted and walk. I don't want to be someone's "option". I don't want a partner who needs to decide shit as soon as someone else comes sniffing around and when it comes to choosing you or a girl who has been his best friend for a lot longer you don't have a hope in hell.
If I were in his position the choice would be easy as hell. I'd choose you. This other girl wasn't my friend, she liked me but never spoke up, that's not a friendship, that's friendzone. So our friendship was a lie then. Then just about when I'm finally settling on a girl I like she decides to step forward and try and ruin that for her own selfish needs? Fuck that and fuck her for putting such shit on me. Friends don't do that to each other.
Now you may think that sounds cruel but would you prefer I string you along as an experiment instead? Like you are now? Or would you prefer I did what was right?
Because he knows who wants to be with romantically OP. He hasn't needed to choose in the way you think he has, he either wants you or he wants her.
Now being you I'd walk away, as I said I'm worth more than waiting around as a second option for some idiot who needs to decide between me and a girl who pretended to be his friend while secretly wanting him. I have enough self-respect not to date someone so flaky. Plus I've had experience of women who were so indecisive and it's a nightmare. You'll never truly know whether he chose you for the right reasons. But you don't care either because you just want him, yet he's playing you here.
He doesn't think it would be fair to see you while he decides but he has no problem texting you every day? That makes no sense. What's that supposed to achieve?
He's stringing you along, OP, treating you like an option and with zero respect for you or your feelings because this is quite painful for you is it not? Not knowing, waiting, hoping, it hurts like hell. So this guy is hurting you and still you want to be with him?
You'll learn soon enough what happens when you give someone who can't be trusted to, so much power over your heart. He may choose you, but he knows she'll be waiting for one slip up and you'll have to be on guard constantly because if he goes off you for even one day he knows she'll be an option.
Sounds like this guy might even wait until one of you makes the decision for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 February 2014):
 How long does he intend to take making this decision? He can't drag it out forever. It's not fair on anyone, and the situation doesn't have to be so difficult for him. He just has to have the balls to tell one of you how he feels, because he must have a good inkling of that already.
If I were you, I'd decide what length of time I was comfortable with an then if he still hadn't made a decision I'd move on. And that length of time would be brief! I wouldn't want to be waiting around for a guy to choose between me and another woman.
The more I think about it, the trickier this situation becomes. Even if he decides he'd like to take things further with you, the best friend will presumably be in the picture making things somewhat awkward. Sounds like a bit of a minefield.
...............................
|
