A
female
age
30-35,
*ewrose
writes:I know this question has been posted a million times, but I was hoping for an answer on my specific situation:My boyfriend (he's 26 and I'm 23) have been together for about a year and a half, and have been living together for 10 months. Somewhat recently, I happened to stumble on history on the computer of him watching porn. It really broke my heart. I have pretty low self esteem so this topped it off. I confronted him and of course a huge argument erupted (guess he was embarrassed he got caught) I explained to him that when he does this (clearly it hadnt been the first time) it makes me feel like he's not satisfied with me, he's not attracted to me, and that if given the opportunity, he'd get with these girls. After things settled down, he apologized and said he understood (I even got a card and flowers the next day) he promised he would never do it again. About a week later I used his iPhone to search for something and his most recent search was for free porn. Same fight broke out.I'm guessing over the last few months he's managed to hide it better... but even finding out he's masturbating (not sure how much, but my guess is often) hurts. He says he doesn't watch porn anymore, but thinks of me. He always tells me how attracted he is to me and how much he loves our sex, but I don't believe for a second he isn't watching porn. I know my sex drive is lower than his (3-4x/week we'll have sex) and I deny him probably 2 times a week, but how do I deal with this? I've come to terms that it probably won't stop, but my stomach still turns when I see a soggy ball of Kleenex in the garbage (no one has that much snot)Someone please EXPLAIN this to me, and any advice on how to deal would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 Stand your ground sweetie. If you don't like it, you are never going to like it and no amount of pressure from these other Aunts and Uncles should make you change your mind!! He doesn't "need" porn to masturbate to, he just "wants" it, possibly out of habit! There have been plenty of debates on here about this very issue, so look it up and draw your own conclusion. I've been in your situation and I tried to embrace it for my partner, but your own needs must come first. I decided I didn't like it and I didn't like him doing it, so I asked him to stop. If he wants to stay with me, then those are the conditions and ultimately it's still his choice. It's not liberalism to accept porn; to be honest someone wrote before that the insecure women are the ones that accept it because they are too frightened their men will leave if they are asked to stop. And as for a guy letting his partner know he is looking up a favourite porn star is in my mind crass! How the hell that encourages intimacy is anyones guess! Each to their own I suppose, but if my partner did that to me, he'd be out the door, bags packed with a boot up his ar**!! Someone also wrote that "almost all fantasies don't involve our partners, that's why they are called fantasies"!! Um, sorry, what study did you glean that information from?? How can you answer for the world's population?? Just because you do it, doesn't make it normal Flynn 24! Again someone wrote before that men try to say "everyone does it" to excuse their behaviour. My fantasies, if I am taking care of myself, always involve my partner, because I happen to think he is hot, sexy, good looking, etc, etc!
A
female
reader, charliesdevil73  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 Read sgore11's, so_very_confused's, and flynn 24's responses. They are spot on. I was in your shoes before and until you are both willing to communicate openly and honestly about porn and your feelings towards it you still stay where you are. My husband and I didn't get past it until we understood each other. Now, it's not an issue.
My husband knows he can watch porn if he needs to, but I also rarely ever deny him sex. I don't always finish during sex, but I enjoy pleasing him that way. And ever since I decided I wouldn't deny him as much, he rarely looks at porn. Men need that release so if your willing to help him obtain that stress release more often, maybe he won't look at porn as much.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sgore11 +, writes (30 September 2011):
What some people don't seem to understand is that, in addition to hunger and thirst, sexual gratification is an innate human need. Instead of pressuring you, or "guilting" you into sex when you don't want it, or cheating on you, he's just taking care of his sexual needs. He's really not doing anything wrong. If anything, I'd say that he's dealing with the situation much better than you are. And, another thing, there's really no need to feel under-valued just because he watches porn. He's just getting off to the pretty ladies fornicating on screen, he's not in love with them.
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (30 September 2011):
 Why should your boyfriend suffer or be made to feel guilty because of your insecurity? I understand not being a fan of porn, but to deny him of masturbation as well is utter lunacy! He can't control his hormones. He can't control his sex drive. He NEEDS to masturbate, especially if you are denying him sex when he asks for it. He wants sex with you everyday and is quite obviously attracted to you. So, his needing to masturbate shouldn't degrade that sense of attraction. Masturbation is natural and is only a reflection of someone being horny and needing to get off, not a lack of respect or a desire to stray from a partner! Sorry, but your attitude is rude and immature. You need to grow up and cut this poor guy some slack! If anyone should be apologizing, it is you. Porn is fantasy and usually just a means to get off quicker. He only uses porn when you deny him sex an he wants to get off, which is legitimate. Men are visual and need that stimulation. It arouses them more than just daydreaming. It isn't disrespect; it is biology!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): So you think that being his girlfriend gives you the right to control his hormones? You think that you have the right to decide that four times per week is the maximum that he should be allowed to get off? When it's put like that, you'll say "no, no, that's not what I mean". But in fact it is what you're saying. So here's the news flash: his being in a relationship with you does not give you absolute control over how often he gets to cum. It's a relationship, not slavery. You don't want him to masturbate? Fine -- then be at his beck and call whenever he's horny. Give him a handjob or two on the days you don't want intercourse.
Explain this to you? OK, his being in a relationship with you means that he has agreed to be with no other person in the real world. You are the only person he will kiss, snuggle with, or make love to. But he's going to breathe when he needs oxygen, drink when he's thirsty, eat when he's hungry, and visit the bathroom as necessary, just as he did before he met you. And masturbation is right in there with visiting the bathroom.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 September 2011):
 He's young. he has a high sex drive. He's taking matters into his own hands. It does not mean he does not love you and want you. In fact he tries for you and you turn him down (and yet you still have sex 3or 4 times a week)
His using porn is not a reflection on you or your relationship.
His masturbating is NOT a reflection on you or your relationship.
He's just taking care of his physical needs. Would you prefer he hire an escort or cheat on you?
and making him LIE about it is a great way to destroy trust.
Ya gotta let him be open about it.
My man sent me a skype the other day that said he was looking for this particular porn star he likes... my response: "have fun, be safe, wear a condom"
he laughed... and well he should. I take care of my needs when he's not around or I'm wanting and he's not... he takes care of his. DOES NOT MEAN we don't love each other. DOES NOT mean we are not committed to each other.
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A
female
reader, short_wife +, writes (30 September 2011):
I know where you're coming from... I'm the one with the higher sex drive in my marriage, but the first year of my marriage my husband was watching porn... difference is, he told me... one day i'd had enough and told him that if he even looked at it again i'd leave him. he hasn't looked at it since, and i think that's the best thing for you. tell him (when he's relaxed - preferably during the day, not at night or in the morning) that it still hurts when he masturbates, explain that you have a lower sex drive, and tell him that you'll leave him if he can't control his urges for you. if need be, get a boudoir photo shoot done (if you're comfortable) and give him those photos (it's best if it's a surprise), because even though he says he's thinking of you, images of those girls are still in his head... we need to get rid of them. pictures of you in lingerie just might do that. I hope this helps, cause it helped on this end. Let me know how it goes
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): You are fighting a losing battle. As a man, he's been watching porn since he was 12. We all do. Anyone who denies it is flat out lying.Look, we guys are not allowed to say a damn thing about women using vibrators. Well, porn is our vibrators.Males are visual creatures, we have to be... our bodies evolved to hunt, and our vision and hearing was essential for survival. So we devoloped to respond to visual and audio stimuli.So sexually, we find it easier and quicker if we have the visual thing in front of us, be it our partner or be it a picture of movie designed almost entirely to appeal to a man's baser instinct.They aren't women on screen, they are simply moving images and sound. And it only when it begins to replace sex. And here it does not seem to... it's seems that he uses it only when he is in the mood and you are not. To speed the process up. To keep he high sex drive in check.Try not to make a big deal out of it, he's keeping it as private and discreet as possible. Just ask him to erase his net history from now on.And whatever his masturbation fantasy is... is none of your business. Almost all fantasies don't involve our partners, that's why the call the fantasies. We call upon them only when we need sexual gratification which our partners cannot provide, or it would be disrespectful to expect of them.I'm sure you have a fantasy or two that don't involve your husband. Maybe a celebrity.Flynn 24
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