A
female
age
41-50,
*ittykatz
writes:I need some advice. I am a teachers assistant at an elementary school. I have been working with the same man for the last three years. We are both married with 3 kids. We have formed a great friendship and seem like ideal mates for each other. We like all the same things and love spending time together. We have always flirted with each other, but it has been progressing in the last few months. I tried to request a change of rooms because i saw this coming and was denied three times. I am scared to ask any more for fear of losing my job. Last Friday he texted me and we ended up texting for 2 hours. He finally told me he has feelings for me and admitted how physically attracted to me he is. We continued to text for the next few days and when we saw each other Monday morning it was like lightning.We couldn't stop touching each other and ended up meeting at a cheap motel for a few hours that night. The sex was good, but the excitement of it was intoxicating. The next day at school we were good but it took everything we had to not touch each other. That night he texted me and told me he felt too guilty to continue. I felt hurt and sad but I tried to respect that. Yesterday at work I just tried to stay pleasant and distant to him. He texted me last night and it escalated into sexting and we both admitted how much we wanted each other. Today we tried to be good, but he started rubbing my back and leg and I felt like I would explode. In the next moment he says he is falling in love with me but that he can't leave his family. I don't want to leave mine either but I want to continue the physical relationship because it is so thrilling. He is not willing to do that as he said it would be harder in the long run. I agree but it is so hard knowing I am stuck in the same room with him every day. All I want is him to text me and tell me he wants me. Both our spouses are going out of town next weekend and I don't know if I will be strong enough to not text him and ask him to meet me. How do I get over this when he keeps changing on me and we are together for eight hours everyday. I am not sure how real my feelings are for him but I don't want to leave my husband. But I am so attracted to this man I ache to touch him all the time. I understand it is the newness and excitement that makes it so hot, but I can't help myself. One minute I feel strong and the next I am crying. I don't know how to let him go. Help please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011): This "soul mates" issue is becoming a laugh a minute. I find that many cheaters use the word soul -mate to justify their cheating. Lust/sex partner, yes but soul mate? You see we all use the catch phrases to convince ourselves that we are justified when we destroy our marriages and leave our children dysfunctional. This concept of "soulmate" is a justification concept for a cheater.in a marriage or a committed relationship I find that fidelity, respect, honour are key components. Some say that if u are in a "happy marriage" you will not flirt or cheat or think of another person. This is not true. We all have emotions which, if not contained, will run riot. There are many temptations while being in a happy marriage. BUT the key is what u do with the temptations.Very recently a former close colleague advised that he saw me as "hot". Was intrigued by me. Wanted to "get to know me better". So called propositioned me. Sent me flirty personal emails. He knew I am happily married but he decided to jerk my chain nevertheless. I knew his words were empty words. He knew he just said those Words to perhaps make me feel better or perhaps was "testing" whether a happily married woman will fall for his charm. He was testing whether he could get to me. You see, good people of DC, my "friend"/ex colleague knew that I used to boast about sanctity of marriage , knew my views on cheating, but through our working years together, he somewhat "knew" me. I was flattered when the emails arrived, and his false telephone calls. I was flattered BUT I told him very gently that he was like a brother to me, that I was more of a mother to him. And when he mentioned anything sexual I always referred to the "mother" concept. You see everyone, his words were just a Game to me. I knew it. He knew it. He had no way of following through and I think deep down, he perhaps wanted to prove that he could get me to dishonour my marriage vows. I have also realised that with some people, if they notice someone is "happily married" they turn to prove this wrong. My colleague decided to test me and he failed. Can u imagine if I also played the game and destroyed my marriage for nothing, destroyed my world For a Nothing, for someone, who didn't respect me and who didn't honour marriage vows? For someone where marriage/friendship was just a Game???So the long winded story above is just to advise you all that temptations do come in all forms. Even in the form of a work buddy. Temptations also do come from snakes who want to prove that marital fidelity doesn't exist. I know I will kill for my family. I protect them with my all. I know that I will never do anything to hurt them. I know bec I have a choice and I have chosen that my hb and kids are first priority. In life it is all about choices and consequences. OP, you say u love your hb and kids? Then its your actions that will now count. When your hb is away do not contact your (ex) married lover. Get busy with friends and family. Get bust by making head and tail of your life. For me what was key was that this MM took u to a cheap motel to have cheap sex and then the next day he "broke it off" and then he was back again, then off. A yo yo existence! Marriage is so bloody hard work and sometimes the green eyed monster in friends/colleagues make u throw in the towel and seek gratification elsewhere. Identify the thieves in your life/marriage. Then eliminate them. Its hard but well worth it.LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011): I bet both of you are in unhappy marriages to begin with. people who have happy marriages don't develop feelings for someone else, and don't feel too weak to resist temptation, because their needs are already being met by their marriages. People whose needs are met by their relationship or marriage partner, don't have strong interest in doing those things with other people outside the relationship.you two have unmet needs - for physical closeness, affection, passion, romance, novelty, whatever it is you find in each other. It's not being met by your marriages.so if you want to lessen your distress you need to figure out what's missing in your marriage, talk to your husband about it, and both of you need to work together to get your relationship to where it will be meeting those needs that right now it's not and the other guy is filling in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): if you were soul mates then you should end your marriages and be together. That is not "destroying" families, you will still be your kids' parent as will your ex-spouse. it is called setting a wrong path right. if someone else is your soul mate, then by definition you do not have a good relationship with your present spouse already even if you never met your soul mate. You have a marriage of convenience. families are bound by love and relationship, not by logistical arrangement of who lives with whom. but don't be so quick to think this man is your soul mate. Chances are more likely he's not because unless you're free to explore a true and deep relationship with each other (which you're not seeing as how you're both married, your interactions are limited to contrived situations) you're probably just infatuated that's all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): He is not in love with you ... Neither of you took the necessary precautions necessary to protect yourselves and your families from total destruction.
You are not in a unique situation .. Everyone that works outside the home face these temptations almost daily... Sometimes it's joked about having office spouse. The only thing that separates these people are the commitment to a value system they won't toss away for something so meaningless.
Do you realize what you've cheated yourself out on? Your integrity.. You will never ever be labeled a loyal and loving mother and wife...you compromised your value to youself for what?
I guess your husband holds the IOU card... Entitling him to an affair ..after all...just because he doesn't know what you did...you know what you did. And it's also ok for that to happen to your children as well.
Why don't people hold themselves to a higher standard anymore?
Everyone gets tempted...EVERYONE....stop risking everyones happiness for a doomed relationship...
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A
female
reader, Kittykatz +, writes (1 October 2011):
Kittykatz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the advice. Thanks Caring Guy. I think it was a little easier today, but it is about will power and resolve. It is just hard when I have to sit beside him most of the day. As much as I want him, I want my family more. I keep trying to focus on things I don't necessarily like about him when I start to weaken.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 September 2011):
Just remember what I wrote. The moment you feel lust for this man, imagine having to deal with a heartbroken husband and some very angry/hurt/disturbed children who really won't be that forgiving.
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A
female
reader, Kittykatz +, writes (30 September 2011):
Kittykatz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the responses, but I do want to clarify a few things. I have NEVER done anything inappropriate at school. I have a lot of respect for my career. I would not do that in that environment. Second, I do know that this man does truly have feelings for me and I think they are stronger than what I feel for him. I am just caught up in the newness and excitement. I feel like I am at risk of falling for him eventually but right now I am just loving feeling of being wanted. We talked and decided that we are both going to spend the energy on our marriages and try to make them work. I don't want us to blame each other in the long run. I just need help with being strong and not giving into the lust I guess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): ... Sorry, in my previous response I should have said "teachers assistant" not teacher.- LoveGirl
I also agree with CaringGuy, 6 kids hurt beyound repair, 2 marriages destroyed and a reputation to kill?
Kitty, if u didn't know it then, u know it now: if u consider yourself cheap, others will as well. Therefore this man pulls his strings like a puppet.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Little Bunny +, writes (30 September 2011):
I have been in your place. Get out now. If you think you love him and you are considering he may possibly your soul mate, there is no way this will be a short term thing. I had the same exact experience. I was naïve enough to think it could just be physical and we could enjoy each other’s company and then when one or both of us decided to walk away we would. That is not what happened. We realized we were soul mates and we fell deeply in love……..and we destroyed two families in the process.I often ask myself if I regret finding my soul mate – I don’t. I do regret putting myself in the place to find him. You can’t miss what you have never had. And there is heartache all around -for your family, his family and the both of you.A man’s identity is wrapped up in the roles he plays – husband, father, employee – the threat of losing or damaging any of those roles freaks them out – no matter what their feelings are for you. He may be honest in saying he loves – wants to be with you but he fears losing the security of what he has. Who knows if he will every leave to be with you? Most times they don’t and you will suffer – alone- until you can bring yourself to move on without him.I would advise you not to go down that road. The more involved you become – the harder it will be to give each other up. If you can’t give each other up, you will end up causing a great deal of heartache all the way around. You need to be prepared for that.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 September 2011):
I had a friend a few years ago in school. She was a nice girl. Then one day, she found out her mother had been cheating on her father. This naturally destroyed all confidence that she had in her mother, who had to leave the house because of the dreadful arguments. She didn't speak for days, even with all her mother's begging.
Sadly, things went from bad to worse when she then came home and found her father had slit his wrists. Fortunately, he lived, but he was then put into a hospital for a while.
My friend entirely failed her exams, and it's taken her six years to get back on track. She's never forgiven her mother though.
I'm telling you this, because you have a husband and three kids at home. And when they find out (and they will since you two are so obvious about this affair already), they will be destroyed beyond anything you can imagine. Your husband will look a fool and feel like a total mug. Your kids will either not understand yet and turn against you later, or they will understand now and choose to not bother with you. And of course, chances are you'll be sacked for professional misconduct.
Then there's this other man's wife and his 3 kids who will be faced with the exact same issues.
So, in total, 6 kids and two other adults could be destroyed for the sake of some affair that has taken place in a cheap motel. Two careers could be totally ruined.
Finally, to top this mess off, this other man has given you the ever classic line "I'm falling in love with you, but I can't leave my family. This is man-talk for "You're the bit on the side that I'll just use at my pleasure"
So if the list above doesn't make you wake up and realize that this is a massive disaster waiting to happen, then you're insane! Seriously. The hearts of 6 kids and two adults who are totally innocent will be broken, you will be broken when no one wants anything to do with you, your career will end and that'll be the end of that.
And if that's not an incentive to tell him to get his hands off you and never speak to you again, then you need to get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings on Monday morning.
Also, if you do see the light and you're able to end the affair, get home to your husband and get your marriage and family back on track before you lose them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): Kitty this man had so much respect for you that he took you to a "cheap motel" and you said wow? He then tried to end it BUT he knew he could get cheap easy sex on demand and then started hs game with u.You say you teach kids. You are getting felt up, rubbed against, in the kids presence?? You are playing sexual games with your pupils around? Not only have you become an adulterer but it seems that your morals was thrown out of the window the moment you opened your legs for this MM???I will not focus too much on your adultery and your cheap sexual thrills and the fact that you are destroying your family unit- let's focus on your career!As a teacher you are accountable for your behavior. Because you fulfil a vital role in your pupils/Students lives you are expected to behave with dignity, morals and integrity. Right now you possess neither. Bottom line your career is going downhill because you have brought your sexual affair into the classroom. You have started to defile your occupation. There is an apt saying: don't shit where you eat. Your professional life has been turned upside down since your "cheap " motel stay. Your reputation is about to be tarnished. Your fellow colleagues and the parents will definately see your behaviour with your MM and you WILL become the talk of your area. What about disciplinary actions against you by the school body? Yes u have no bothered/ don't care about your marriage. I understand that BUT what about your career.WHEN your Affair is discovered, you will find yourself divorced/seperated with a scandalous reputation. At least you may still have a job to pay your bills when this happens.Because you have accepted to be available for cheap sex I do not need a crystal ball to know what you are going to do when your hb is away. However its just a matter of time before your sexual shenanigans are blown up in your face.Professionalism? Right now you have no clue what I warning you against
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