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female
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*mileyhugs
writes: Dear cupid,My boyfriend and i have been together a couple of years and are very close.I was accepted by his family and invited to everything, and suddenly, for no reason, his family stopped inviting to any family gathering. They simply excluded me.I was really really upset and kept asking my bf to ask them why they were doing this to me. They couldn't come up with anything proper, and any reason they came up with was pathetic and held no weight. There was no valid reason to justify my exclusion and how I was treated so rudely.Now suddenly they are having a special 'do' and have invited me as well as everyone else, after nearly a year of being excluded for no reason.I am soo upset, angry and hurt with them I just don't want to go, and my bf expects me to turn up "for him". But I am angry he did not defend me or protest more with them about me being treated so rudely and excluded. So I refuse to attend this do.I feel that this is an attempt to "sweep things under the carpet" and I feel that if I did go and put on a fake smile and pretend everything was ok, it may all just happen again at a later stage.I can't just let them get away with treating me like that, and be victim to their every whim.It is also the principle of the matter, if I go to this do, it will be like saying I am not hurt and angry with them. I just cannot be that fake.My bf is really upset that I do not want to go, he keeps on and on persuading me but I just cant. He says if I don't go it will make it all worse. Any advice folks?
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female
reader, smileyhugs +, writes (11 May 2007):
smileyhugs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys have given fantastic advice and really seen the problem for what it is. I am so grateful for all this advice.
I'm even tempted to go this thing now, but I gotta grow guts!.
I've spent ages torturingh myself about what I could possibly have done.
One thing I know for certain, I cannot leave him over this. First off: I love him. Secondly: they've won. Thirdly: I want to be with him, not them.
I just need to get him to grow some guts and rise above them, stand up against them.
I keep putting pressure on him to stand up against it, but he just doesn't do it.
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (10 May 2007):
 Tell your bf that you will go with him this time ONLY if he makes you a promise: he will never again go to a family function that you are not invited to. If he can't be bothered to stand up for you, then you can't be bothered to make an appearance on his behalf.
In the long run, I'm hoping he makes this promise, because it's better if you "take the high road" and go. (You can hear her now: "Well, we did invite her and she didn't come! Why is she complaining?" Don't give her any ammunition.)
And when you continue to be nice to her in the face of her irrationality, everyone else will start to see what a head case she is.
And finally, someday there may be children. You need to remember that this broad will be their grandmother, and even if she's an idiot, you'll need to be cordial with her for their sakes.
Unfortunately I'm speaking from first-hand knowledge; my sister-in-law (who hosts most of his family's gatherings) is a real head-case. But I'm always polite, even cordial, to her. The family has slowly, over the years, come around to my side. Kill her with kindness and you'll be fine.
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (10 May 2007):
 First of all, I must say I am quite upset about how he went to the family meetings without you. In my opinion he should have declined to every meeting as you were not invited. Especially since the two of you are an established couple! I think you should have a talk with your boyfriend and explain to him that if you start being excluded again, you will expect him to stand up for him like a man and not avoid the problem.
It sounds like "she" is really insecure. Possibly she thinks you're trying to take your boyfriend away from his family. If "she" is his mother, then I can somewhat make sense of her reaction, but if it is his aunt then this is just insane!!
The real question is of course; would you really want anything to do with these people now? Seeing as this is the first invitation after the exclusion you will sort of have to go, but I think it can be acceptable if you decline any further invitations.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (10 May 2007):
 Based on your account of what happened, they were nit picking about silly things. It sounds to me like there is something else brewing under the surface or perhaps the was in the past.
As your boyfriends parents what happened and tell them you'd like to avoid those types of things in the future. See what they say.
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A
female
reader, smileyhugs +, writes (10 May 2007):
smileyhugs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh and btw he did go to all family events without me, and didnt even protest at my sudden exclusion with no reason.
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A
female
reader, smileyhugs +, writes (10 May 2007):
smileyhugs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Eddie and Dragonette,
Thank you for your comments.
Unfortunately their reasons really dont hold any weight.
Apparently they were upset when my bf explained how to play cards to me whilst they were playing. He had to whisper which moves to make, but they (she) got all angry and thought we were conspiring against her! It was made clear i was just being explained how the game works, but she holds it against me.
The other reason was that on holiday the hire car was quite small to get us to the airport, and we had a lot of stuff and a much later flight, so when i thought not everything would fit into the boot, i suggested we take a taxi/ In the end it all fitted in and we didnt need to call one. She sees that as trying to seperate myself from their family! For a taxi suggestion we never even took!
My parents, my friends and even my bf think that they are basically desperately trying to find things to throw against me.
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A
female
reader, dragonette +, writes (10 May 2007):
It's astonishing how a really small thing can sometimes get on people's nerves. You say that the reasons they gave for excluding you were pathetic and had no weight, but maybe for them it was something important. I'm not saying that they were right to exclude you, but maybe THEY thought at that time that they were right to exclude you.
In any case, seeing as your boyfriend and you intend to stay together for a couple of more years (I guess), you should probably try to get along with his family. That means going. Just go, attend their "do" and get out of there as soon as good behavior permits. If you don't go, they will only think that you see yourself as too good for them or something and that will be like starting a war.
But I have one question: What did your boyfriend do with the family gatherings that you were not invited to? Did he go to those without you??
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (10 May 2007):
This is an interesting question. You should have really included the "reason" they gave for excluding you. Since we're only hearing your version of what happened it difficult, for me at least, to respond. Myabe they had a reason that was justified, nmaybe they didn't.
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