A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i am madly in love with a married man who has young children, his marriage was on the rocks long before i came along we were friends to begin with and we had alot in common as well as mutual friends,. when i realised he had feeling for me i backed away knowing it wasnt right, but he said he loved me and said he would leave his family.. he kept to his word and told his wife he felt the marriage wasnt working and it was beyond repair... but he continued to live in the house with her while carrying on with me. He has always maintained i am the most important person to him but i am becoming more and more frustrated cos he doenst listen to how i feel. i dont trust her as i know she is trying to catch him out but he is still in the house, i dont ever want him to jeopardise losing his kids cos if she found he had be lying she would never let him see the kids, she also doesnt have ties round here and wil be moving the kids away which will crush him i know.. they argue in front of the kids or she does and has made it clear to the kids that she doesnt like daddy, yet they stil live together but never talk???? am i not right to think they would be better off living apart as much as he wants to help his kids as best he can,.. friends think i am mad and should just tell him to make his decision and if he cant keep to it end it till thingsd are resolved.?? pls help im so confused
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): I agree with the last lady. People forget that not all marriages work out. If you have children you are responsible fact, but he is doing his duty which is being there for them instead of running off. You want to be carefull if he is a genuine guy who's not just in it for sex, as he may with all this pressure, just give up trying to please everyone, and more dangerously, I've seen men breakdown, just spending their life for other people. I feel sorry for this man if he's in love with you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): I feel for the man. He will be in so much pain. He loves this new person yet he will lose his kids when he decides to leave. If you say they will move away too, then that will make it worse for him. He would not have chosen to be in this position if he could. I know because I've had to choose between my kids and a new life. It sounds like there is only one answer but there isn't when you're living each day missing someone else. Stay off his back and stop assuming this is a man wanting more oats elsewhere. I bet he is so miserable.
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A
female
reader, desperate_angel  +, writes (9 August 2008):
 hello to you, thats pretty tough situation. well in my experience, i could say that follow what your mind ask you which is right. if he filed divorsed to his wife then he really loves you. but think of this, we have the same situation the only difference is he lied to me that he was divorsed but he's not and have kids also. Divorsed will took a lot of consideration including the custody of children. Of course he is the father he wont let his wife take the kids from him. If you will be in his wife's shoes will you give up the marriage? how about the kids? yes you love him and he loves you but consider also the consequences of what will come out. If both of you are really for each other then time will tell whats good for you. And check him out also if he really telling you the truth that they are fighting in front of the kids. Goodluck girl
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (9 August 2008):
 Yes i would agree with smiles there. He wont like you dating other people. But try not to use it as a battering ram because yes, it might hurry him along, but unless he is ready to be hurried along, it wont help in the long run. If someone isn't ready to jump, its pointless trying to push them.
C xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): Thanks for the feedback; do not allow him to emotionally abuse or blackmail you; You are so right, he has no right to know where you are or what you are doing;
I SUGGEST you cut all ties with him; he wants his bread buttered both sides; Don't allow him the luxury; think about yourself and MOVE ON; tell him you deserve better then what he is offering and untill his problems are resolved you are not available;
Take good care of yourself and DO NOT allow him to use you or play on your emtions; BE STRONG!
Best wishes and lots of SMILES
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): You don't trust her? Oh my, you do have this mixed up here. Usually, when people don't trust another person, one blames them for all the problems. So here you are, basically blaming the wife because she's the 'barrier' you need to get rid of, to being with this man, her husband?! That rationale evades me. Let's put this in proper perspective. You and your married man are both to blame. So I have to ask...how can you honestly trust him? I can bet my bottom dollar you haven't listened to their conversations nor do you 'really' know what is going on, in that house. So how do you honestly know, he told her 'the marriage wasn't working?" Everything you state in your posting, are things that he told you and based on heresay. But we do know that if he's stepping out on her with you, then he is living a 'lie' with his wife and kids. So then why shouldn't he lie to you, about what really is happening there? He tells you he loves his kids..I won't argue that. But you are asking yourself...if his marriage was truely over, why would he remain in a dysfunctional, unloving situation, and expose his kids to that? If he loved you as he says he does, he would've left a long time ago. I think your frustration is a sign that your instincts are kicking in and I think you being duped here. You are being forced to face the grim reality that perhaps, he's lying to you.
Let's look at some things here, that require rational thought. He's still at home where his children and wife are, and his 'actions' are saying that's where he wants to be. If she found out he has had an affair and left him, no court in the world would ever deny this man access to his own children! The judge would understand, full well, that even though he may not have been an admirable husband to her..he can be a loving, good father. So that excuse doesn't fly with me. The wife is the one with the power and she’s not going to leave her husband. You have absolutely no power here. You think, he will divorce her. Then he will come to you. He could, someday, but how long are you prepared to wait this out. If you expose him, he will ultimately blame you, for hurting his kids and upending his marriage. You are in a no-win situation.
You are counting on his divorce as a means to being together, rather than thinking, “I should not be doing this and neither should he.” You both created this impasse. Rather than looking for someone free to be with you, you took a easy shortcut and invaded another woman's marriage and lives will be devastated and upended, if an affair comes to light and a nasty divorce is sought. I find that train of thought so distant from real love, it is disturbing. And I think it's time for you to move on. Heal from this and recover. Go look for a single avaialbale man, one that you can begin an honest, quality relationship, based on the truth and honorable actions. Good luck, dear and I hope you do the right thing.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (9 August 2008):
You have some very wise friends.
What a nightmare situation. I'm sure his marriage has been over for some time by the sounds of it. Its just a shame it wasn't resolved before you two got together. Ive been in a similar situation myself when i met a guy, we got on great but he straight away said he was living with someone but it had been over for a while. But i stuck to my guns and said i wasn't going to be anyones bit on the side. 2 weeks later he left hers, they had been together 6 yrs and he had been bringing her daughter up as his own. We got together and to be honest, it was a nightmare. She made life so difficult, and i spent a yr and a half stressed right out about her and other issues. His girlfriends daughter was 17 by this time and dissowned him for leaving her mum. That was the way i thought it was for months, a yr later it turned out he was back in touch with her daughter, that bit didn't bother me, it was the fact he lied about it and kept it from me, going there and seeing her. I had spent months saying it feels like something is going on in your life that i dont know about. He had me feeling it was me being paranoid. Turned out he had been meeting up with the daughter and popping round there. To this day i dont know if he slept with the ex, he says he didn't, and it was all about seeing the daughter but who knows. Its such a shame because i was never going to cause a problem with him seeing the daughter. But he said he didn't know what to do for the best at the time and thought it would blow over and she wouldn't want to keep seeing him. We had split by this point and then i heard that he had jumped back into bed with the ex. Dont they always? It happened twice then they lost touch again after her and her daughter wanted money for something and he wouldn't shell out. That was a yr ago and he's still not back with her. But its a shame i hadnt met him even 2 yrs after i did. Its always hard to trust someone that you know has done things behind their partners back. You always feel its inevitable it will happen to you.
It was all a complete nightmare being with him and i wouldn't ever want to date someone again that has an ex thats still chasing them and has just split with someone, too much recent baggage thats not yet resolved and you get tangled up in it. so all i will say is, tread real careful. Although it sounds like you have gone a bit far to be careful. I hope it works out thats all.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): thank you for those who have replied to my question... i know he probably needs to sort his head out.. but whenever (and i have tried to give him ultimatums) which havent worked he then tells me he cant live without me and that he needs me to help him otherwise he will cease to exist i know its kinda emotional blackmail, and i think he has got alot of stuff to sort out and i want to help him but i resent him more each day from being in that house. then he questions me when i go out as to who i'm with and gets paranoid but he has no right to do that right?? but he makes me feel guilty!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): I have empathy with you; you are in a very difficult situation BUT the emotional turmoil will get worse if he does not move out;
I suggest you give him the ultimatum: he moves out of the house(not moving in with you yet) but away from the (ex)wife;
if not, you will have to be very STRONG and end the relationship;
The situation as it is is not good or healthy; you do not want to get caught up in there divorce procedings and or "dirty laundry"; No he must make a choice, either sort things out at home and set you free or leave home and get his divorce procedings finalised;
I know this will be difficult because you care for him; but trust me you cannot allow him to put you through this emotional turmoil; it will affect your work and health;
Be strong and do what is best for yourself.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES
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A
female
reader, BendychickP  +, writes (9 August 2008):
 I think your friends are right. You should tell him how you feel, about his wife and him still living together. Make it clear that you aren't asking him to give up his kids, just that unless he can get his life sorted out, you should put the relationship on hold. It sounds like this guy is in a very complicated situation and having a girlfriend probably makes it trickier. Maybe putting things on hold would be for the best. Best of luck.
Bendy xx
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A
female
reader, mcbirdie +, writes (9 August 2008):
 Perhaps he would be better leaving his wife, perhaps not. The problem, however, is that you don't have much say in it. It may not make sense to someone from the outside, but marriages are their own entity--I am quite sure the husband is torn by more than fears of what would happen with his children if he were to move out.
I think that your friends are right in that you need to press for a decision and stick to it once it is made. I would just prepare yourself for that decision not being what you might wish--and trust that it will all sort itself out in the end. In the meantime, though, take care of yourself and make sure you've got more in your life than just spending all your time and care on another family's problems.
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