A
female
age
51-59,
*riste
writes:I been in a relationship for 4 years he's 59 and I'm 41. I have no kids, he has 2 boys and one of his girls is 35 years old and the other 32. The one girl is a pain; she's married to an army guy and has a daughter. Her boyfriend pays her electric bill her water,cellphone,home phone,cable,internet plus gives her money every month. She does not call her father, only if she needs something and for him to pickup her bills she never goes to his house does not visit at all. I do everything for him I cook, clean wash his clothing and keep him company it's been a year 1/2 that we don't have sex we don't even talk about it but my big problem is his daughter she tell him to jump and he cracks his head that's how high he goes. She lives an hour from his house and she calls him because she needs something for her cold and he goes and brings something for her cold I think that is abusive and I'm always crying because I think she's doing it on purpose. If I say something to him about her he tells me not to get into that because that's his daughter this is given me a bit depression and I'm ever crying, I can't take this any more. Sometimes I want to just let him go and other times I don't want to let her win because i know that's what she wants. Please help me, I need help.
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 I agree that at that point, a woman should be independent enough to not use someone like that. I'd imagine it would be frustrating and feel like she's the more important woman in his life, but I also feel like there's more going on than just his daughter manipulating him; for example, you glossed over not having sex anymore with him. How does his daughter prevent you two from being physically intimate with one another? How frequently does she intrude on you two and interrupt your lives? Is it multiple times a day, or is it once a week? Is it possible you're using her as an excuse for why your relationship is suffering? either way you should try addressng this again with your man but maybe using a different approach. Instead of questioning his relationship with his daughter or his daughter's conduct, explain the effects of his attention on your mental well-being, explain WHY you're so threatened or distraught by it, how you don't feel like you're a priority in his life, and how you're not sure where to go from here if things don't change. Maybe it'll be a wake up call if you explain the effects of his actions, rather than the actions themselves so he doesn't feel like you're attacking him.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 April 2011):
 Unfortunately, this is how his relationship is with his daughter..in which you don't have any say. You're a partner, girlfriend, not his wife.
Now, I do agree with you that at age 32 he should be done parenting her. Even if she's taking advantage of her father (which is unfortunate) there's nothing you can say to him to convince him of her intentions.
He's NOT going to choose between you and her. If you try to make him, then you know very well he will choose his own flesh and blood. Basically, you're trying to fight this petty battle with her, in which you compete for his attention. You're how old? It's time to be the adult here..
Your two choices are as follows, either stay out of the relationship with his daughter. It's none of your business. Or you dump him because you can't handle his relationship with her, and the fact that you're in a sexless relationship. If you're putting so much in this relationship and he's giving you nothing in return then it's time to call it quits.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (25 April 2011):
 You don't have any kids, so therefore you see the daughter as intrusive. Unfortunately for many parents their kids are important and they want to make them happy. Because you don't see her visit, you assume they are not close, but your parents don't need to see you or hear from you everyday to know that they are loved.I hardly visit my dad or call him, for certain reasons, but I absolutely adore him and he knows that. He would be at my side in a second if I needed him. Many people have made the mistake you are making, and have assumed that I'm not in his life. Unfortunately for them, he decided to do with out their friendship because my happiness is more important. He's currently with a woman who is sensible enough not to make the same mistake, because she's known him for a long time. But I've seen him drop women who criticised me in any way. If I was a parent, I would do the same thing.Your crying because a man loves his daughter and wants to make her happy. You don't say the daughter hates you or is nasty to you. It seems that you just don't want him to love anyone more than you.We can't really help. Your attitude is caused by insecurity. I'd suggest that your lack of a sex life is a big problem, which you choose to ignore and cry about things which you cannot fix.He's a man who loves his daughter, I don't think he can change this. You can threaten to leave him, and he may alter his behavior, but I don't think he will love you any more. Instead he'll probably feel resentful and trapped and guilty. You can leave the relationship and then the problem will end. You can threaten to leave which may destroy the relationship in the end. Or you can work on what I think the real problem is, the lack of sex, the insecurity of the relationship and you feeling ignored and unloved.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 April 2011):
 I think you're right about her being borderline abusive with him, but it's more of a manipulation than anything. It's definitely not right, but there's also not much you can do because he seems dead set on bowing to her every whim.
Decide what you want for yourself. To me, it doesn't sound like this is what you want for yourself. Perhaps you should back away. Make sure to tell him why you're doing it though. There's being a good devoted parent, and then there's being taken advantage of. His daughter is an adult, she just keeps acting like a spoiled child, and will continue to do so as long as she can.
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A
female
reader, MamaBear +, writes (25 April 2011):
You need to move on in your life. I'd be darn if I'd do all you do for this man and be so neglected. Daughter or not! Something is amiss and you should not waste another minute of your life on this family! What goes on in their family is none of your business. You are blaming the daughter. Sounds to me like the dad is letting his daughter do his "dirty-work". Is he trying to get rid of you and cannot tell you? No sex for a year and a half should be a very big red flag for you. Please find it within yourself to move on - even if you have to be alone for a time. It's better than being ignored and used.
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A
male
reader, CSHopeless +, writes (25 April 2011):
There is no competition between you and his daughter. She may be spoiled, but you must remember, the father spoils the daughter out of his love for her, and a father's love is a father's love. You can't ask a man to choose between you and his daughter, because if you do I fear you will not like the answer.
In situations like this, all you can do is love him. If he has been single for a long time, he probably depended on his daughters a lot and vice versa. Having been in his situation for a while, he may just not realize that he can lean on you and not solely on his daughter. You can't force him to realize it either, he has to do that on his own.
My advice: If he truly makes you happy, love him and be patient (it may take ALOT of patience, but if he's the one you want to be with, he'll be worth it). Also, try to get know his daughters, you may find some common ground, even if it's just talking about your man/her father.
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