A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 18 years and have overlooked my husband's codependency all along, until now. The relationship with his daughter who is 31 is starting to make me feel even more uncomfortable. She has always been treated like the wife and I the daughter. I overlooked in order to keep peace. She has always been a manipulative person and he has always catered but enough is enough. Heard him the other night on the phone with her, know it was her because I saw him dial the number and he asked me something she had asked and then I started walking out of the room I heard him saying Precious, Did I tell you how sexy you looked today? Well, you know you are hot sis. If this had been said in a joking way or a different way other than a seductive tone I would have not thought it any different than all the other problems. This comment in the tone it was delivered made me sick feeling. He always tells his children everything before me regarding, business, money, vacations, etc. I have accepted this and kept quiet but I feel an uncomfortable progression in he and his daughter's codependent relationship. I have not said a word and very uncomfortable when he calls me a pet name now that I have heard him use the same tone with his daughter. I am now having trouble when he gives me a compliment about my looks. I have not said a word to him but, in my opinion, he needs help!Please give me your thoughts.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (17 September 2010):
 I think this is actually about your feelings of being not loved as much by your husband as he loves his children with another woman.
Sorry to put it bluntly like that, but that is really what you are saying. I don't think there is anything sinister about the way he talks to his daughter - it could be that he was bolstering her self-esteem/showing her how he loves and is proud of her - ok, might seem odd, but some fathers (a lot more than would admit) take pride in their daughter being attractive. ok, maybe how he talks could be misconstrued, but i suspect it is just the way he talks to ... the women he loves.
He goes to his children first about everything, and he talks to his daughter in a way that makes you feel jealous/threatened. You are the underdog, the last one whose opinion is considered.
These are all your feelings. Is it ok for your husband to put his kids first? Yes, I think it probably is. Is it ok for him to consult them before you? It isn't ideal for you, but you have gone along with that for 18 years, so it's a bit hard to do anything about it now. No, it isn't really the place you want to be in his life - and I think this is the key. There is a problem in your relationship with him, not in his with his children. You aren't where you want to be, and you aren't who you want to be with him - you aren't first lady - you're second.
And to make matters worse, this isn't your shared daughter - this is another woman's daughter. Someone in your mind - be honest - you must look at her and see her mother, and when he praises her beauty/attractiveness, it raises your hackles because you feel the shadow of his attraction to his daughter's mother. This doesn't mean there is anything inappropriate in his relationship - it means you are jealous.
The only way to feel better is to talk to him not about his relationship with his kids, but with you. Ask him how important you are to him. Tell him how hurt you feel. Test the water. But DON'T even suggest there is anything wrong in his love for his kids, because I don't think you have fair grounds for that.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): If you have left this problem for EIGHTEEN years, then I'm afraid you must take some responsibility for the result. You cannot complain about your husbands behaviour, IF you have NOT given him any idea, or opportunity, to put his side of the situation, OR be aware there is anything wrong.
You admit to having kept quiet to keep the peace - well, that is NOT what a partner does if the relationship is to be built on honesty and OPEN dialogue. When you opt out of taking an ' active part ' in a marriage, or anything, then you relinquish any right to complain AS YOU have turned a blind eye, turned your back, not saying what is affecting you, not discussing with your partner what you feel is wrong,the whole relationship becomes a façade, as I'm sure ONCE your husband knows how you feel, as I'm sure it will surface - he is likely to be in shock, and I'm sure, the FIRST THING he will ask " WHY haven't you spoken to me about this before"
I do wonder if your husband is just a very verbally affectionate, open man....as you also state he passes you compliments, and has a pet name for you - that indicates a rather emotionally open person, and this may be something he does with ALL those he feels affection for. NOT just for his daughter as one would suspect, when first reading your question, but by YOUR OWN omission, he does this with all his family. Keep in mind it is YOU who has not been open with him. 18 years is a long-time to hold a deep dissatisfaction.
So I wonder how open you are emotionally...pet name for your husband, pass him compliments..affectionate, as it seems strange, someone who is emotionally open, to be able to keep a part of their married life a complete secret - He has been living with someone who has taken a back seat, allowing things to drift, and then complains about the consequences of doing that.
I think it's time you were HONEST with your husband and talk to him about how you feel, and I'm sorry if you feel this is harsh, but the whole point of giving advice, is to be able to get the person seeking resolve to stand back and look at the problem from all angles. It is something I do everyday with my clients, couples who come to me because of some issue that built over time, and mainly due to NOT dealing with it as it arises.
Good luck with this one...but DO TALK to him.
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the thoughts! I do have a question for the anonymous male that advised me to leave because my husband deserves better. Will you please elaborate for me so that I can understand what you feel I am doing wrong. It's always good to listen to all sides and understand. Thanks for your honesty.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the feedback. In answering Talking Helps-He calls his daughter sis from time to time because he has a son also.
Anonymous male that stated he deserves better than me. I appreciate the honesty but would like to know why you feel that I am doing something wrong. Please respond so I can see the point more clearly and understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the feedback. In answering Talking Helps-He calls his daughter sis from time to time because he has a son also.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Nime, I believe says it best. I hope everything works out for you.
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male
reader, jimrich +, writes (17 September 2010):
IMO, you both need help. And since you have the most control of your self, it will help you the most to start studying and learning about your own Codependency and how to manage it. When you have a handle on your own behavior and reactions, then you might begin to influence his behaviors. When he sees your reactions, responses and behaviors changing, he MAY or may not be motivated to change his behaviors. The bottom line is that you need to help your self FIRST and then perhaps help others later.re: "This comment in the tone it was delivered made me sick feeling. .... "Sick" or jealous? Angry? Frightened? Helpless? Codependents typically have a hard time saying what they feel because they do not know how to examine them self and articulate their feelings but you can learn how. re: He always tells his children everything before me regarding, business, money, vacations, etc. I have accepted this and kept quiet .... This is an example of how Codependents handle things. They 'keep quiet', allow unhealthy behavior to go on out of fear and mistaken values. Work on your own Codependency and you may learn how to stand up to him and get the respect and the correct partnership you deserve with him.re: but I feel an uncomfortable progression in he and his daughter's codependent relationship. I have not said a word and very uncomfortable when he calls me a pet name now that I have heard him use the same tone with his daughter. I am now having trouble when he gives me a compliment about my looks. I have not said a word to him but, in my opinion, he needs help!.... "I have not said a word" is the headline banner of all codependency. Codependents let everything slide in order to hang on to relationship with someone they need more than want. They have either too low/bad self esteem/worth or too high/bad self esteem/worth. What you say about his 'compliments' is only about your own bad self esteem. He has related to you as Father figure and you have related to him as his dotting, quiet, subordinate daughter - a typical Codependent arrangement where the partners are not ever equal but always relating to each other as: one up/one down or master/slave all for the sake of mutual comfort and SECURITY. Codependency is a totally FEAR based arrangement in which both parties get hurt but never do anything about it - they stay quiet (you) or maintain CONTROL (him).Now is your chance to come out of jail and begin taking apart your own codependency so you can finally live in freedom and self respect. If you succeed, you may help him give up his Codependent/controlling behavior and gain freedom as well. BUT, generally, Codependents who have the top/controlling position do not find a need to change anything about their 'in control' advantage and do not see any problems with it. He may not look kindly on your efforts to become more assertive, speak up, request equality, refuse to be his subordinate, silent daughter, and other positive self worth behaviors/responses, so things could get 'sticky' as you begin to give up your codependency on him and he may attempt to keep you in line.google: codependency or look in a book store/library and get started on the road to FREEDOM AND RESPECT.good luck Jim
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Since this has gone on for so long you don't have much in the way of options. The most obvious thing to do is talk to your husband. After 18 years, I would hope you two are able to sit down and have a mature conversation where you are allowed to voice your concerns. If that's not the case, you may have to consider couple's counseling. One the is for sure, sitting down, shutting up and taking it isn't the way to handle this. He'll just continue doing what he's doing and you will just end up bottling it up to the point where you'll want to explode.
You need to talk to him. Not in a confrontation kind of way, but as a concerned spouse who is unhappy in her relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): Leave. Honestly. He deserves much better than you. This is a VERY honest opinion, but you asked for an honest feedback.
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female
reader, Nime +, writes (17 September 2010):
 You keep saying you've been silent all these years. You need to talk to your husband about this! Your husband is not a mind reader. He may not even realize that he does, indeed, always confide in his children before you. He may also not realize how his tone and language have become inappropriate when he speaks to his daughter. 'Sexy' is a word I would never want to be called by my father. I would bring this up to your husband, but don't accuse him directly. It is likely he may not remember calling his daughter sexy, or he may just deny it. Maybe you could couch your question in a compliment: "Boy, your daughter is a good sport, and it's nice to see you two are so close! I'd feel really uncomfortable being called 'sexy' by MY father." If your husband seems surprised or like he has no idea what you're talking about, I would say there's nothing going on and he will probably be receptive to a heart to heart conversation with you about your feelings on all this. However, the truth exists that there are parents who do cross the line when it comes to intimacy with their children. If your husband reacts in anger or puts up a wall when you broach the subject, you might want to consider counseling, because there are probably things going on in your family that warrant professional help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): If he said u looked hot sis are u sure he wasn't on the phone to his sister?
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