A
female
age
41-50,
*K2017
writes:Hello everyone. I hope you're doing well this Sunday. I was recently in a 3 year relationship. This whole time I thought I had a sweet, brutally honest, loyal, friend, lover, team mate. Everything came crashing down. Turned out he was not loyal or honest. As far as I know, not in the cheating sense. He moved out on the premise we needed to prepare our respective homes to be sold so we could buy one together this year. I agreed to this plan as him staying in my home wasn't working due to space, location to work, and other seemingly logistical issues . He even wrote me a beautiful letter with our plans that he gave me for the new year. Then totally unexpectedly, he did not call me one single time after he left. I had to call and press for his reasons. The only treason I have received thus far is, " I wasn't happy, relationships are expensive, I decided it had to end". All over text no less. I finally had the courage to confront him face to face after 6 weeks and he threw me out of his house as if the last 3 years are worthless. I became enraged st that point and slapped him with all my might. I'm not a physical person and I don't know why I did that! :(He himself had admitted many times I've always been there for him during his bad times when not even his own family stepped up. I feel really sad. I miss him even though he's so cruel to me now. I don't know what I did. I wish we could have just had an open and honest face to face conversation and broke up like adults. I feel like I can't trust people now.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (13 March 2017):
 The guy is an utter COWARD; a 2 faced sneaky liar who hasn’t the guts to speak his mind civilly when there’s something bothering him. Yelling an inch from your face is a sign he treats you with contempt and definitely shows he cannot communicate properly. I believe something was brewing inside his insecure deceptive head which you may have overlooked before his plan of deception went into action?
Now is the time to move on from this deceptive creature. I know you're hurting, but look at this as though he saved you from a lifetime of his lies, yelling, cheating and the sale of your home. Sure there have been good times and you’ll miss parts of that relationship, which is when you’ll need to take a deep breath, smile and put those thoughts away before you become clouded with bitterness. This is a wound that will heal, but it's up to you how bigger a scare it leaves.
Plus you know he is not the bench mark of trust and honesty, so please don’t waste energy thinking all people are like him. He’s navel lint! Just take bigger steps in finding out more about your future partners’ character, if they're worthy of earning your trust.
In light of the new evidence; where cheating may have been involved, I guess that slap didn’t go to waste :) But in keeping with this forum, it’d be wise to keep your hands to yourself.
Take Care - CAA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): Good for you OP for slapping him in the face! He deserved it for what he did to you! In fact, he got off too easily. You don't know why you did it? I do. It was pent up anger, hurt and frustration for how he was treating you. After 3 years, he was being a coward and a pussy. And leaving you out to dry. You deserved so much more from him. You invested yourself in this man and relationship for a long time. And this is his farewell song? Running away with his tail between his legs? Scott free? Well, you were going to have none of it. And I admire you for standing up for yourself and letting him know what he did WAS WRONG and what he did HURT you. Hopefully somewhere in his cold heart, it might strike a chord. Hopefully his conscience, which has been long lost, will feel a little tug. We need to teach people lessons. And if we walk away and never let them know how and how much they hurt us, well, it is letting them get away with bad behaviour. This way you feel better, too. And hopefully it gives you more closure. I think a slap in the face would make me feel damned good so don't worry about that sweetie.I wish you well in your future without this asshole.He took out the garbage for you.Did you a huge favour.Now, start to love yourself again. Get a new hair do. A new hobby. Get out there and live life. Without him. He does not know what he lost. But oh he will one day. But by then you will be with a guy who deserves you! There is your best revenge. Stay sweet. :)
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A
female
reader, MK2017 +, writes (13 March 2017):
MK2017 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrying to overanalyze his side and my "anger issues" bc you know me SO well, doesn't help my situation. He's not here to defend himself, it's not his post, it's mine. Hear MY side bc that's all you have. The passive aggressive responses which include pegging me as emotionally immature and unstable are a bit funny though! The fact is I shouldn't have trusted him, I did too much work in the relationship (as the fact that he himself said i was always there for him but that part gets ignored) and yes I flew off the handle when he dropped me like a bad habit without a real conversation. Apparently to you a man who says dating is expensive as a reason is acceptable? I'm in my 30s and wasting 3 years is tough. I thought this person and I were friends at least. I'm looking for help in dealing with the aftermath, the shock. The rug was in fact pulled from under neath me. His own family doesn't understand what happened and still keep in touch. If I'm a nutjob, why would they? Why don't they take his side? But again, this is my post, my feelings. He had just written a letter with our future plans. Why would he run away like a crybaby after writing a letter like that? He played with my emotions and it resulted in an eruption bc one can never know anyone's reaction to game playing. I already expressed concern about the slap. Obviously I know I was WRONG and I never hit people. He thought he could weasel his way out of the inconvenience of a tearful, upset woman he wanted to break up with who he strung along. I feel betrayed and stabbed in the back. I shouldn't have had to ask for a real reason for 6 weeks. A reason I still don't have and never will.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 March 2017):
 .. Jumping to conclusions ?... Fair enough : please YOU tell us which are the conclusions to be drawn by the gist of your story, which is :
Your bf dumped you, and you battered him. ( He could have pressed charges, btw. Just saying ).
Wait ! Don't get mad yet. Please see if you can stick with me for a couple more minutes. It's about awareness, and cultivating awareness is never bad or useless advice ; particularly in relationships. Awareness of who you are, what are your strength and weaknesses, how you relate to people in different situations, what you can handle and you can't etc.
So : some would say that under enough provocation everybody can become violent ( I don't agree, but never mind that ). But, was it enough provocation ? Heck no !, zillions of women get dumped , get ghosted, get strung along and do not have this kind of reaction. You OVERreacted.
Was it really totally out of character, weird, unexpectable from you ? Yes ? Are you sure ?...
Over reaction does not have , thanks God !, to always be about physical abuse, yelling, smashing things.
It can be simply about not having a good handle on our emotions and letting them overwhelm us in a way that prevents us from CHOOSING the best, most effective, less damaging course of action. In short, what is called
" making drama ". It does not have to be noisy thunderous drama, yet it can be very off putting and intimidating to any man ( or woman ).
Which does not let your ex off the hook because he IS a coward, but IMO may explain ( not justify ) why he was not willing or able to break up like " mature adults ". Tears, accusations, recriminations, clingyness, guilt tripping , pressing for
" closure ".... you know, some times the only mature and adult way to break up is to face reality and to accept that occasionally alas feelings change, attraction fades, and relationships run their course.
They want to go ? Let them go, and TRUST , not particularly the guy, but the fact that's for the best. Someone who is not happy with you , to the point that he chooses to put on a vanishing act, cannot make YOU happy, and it's not a long post-mortem of what went wrong which will improve things for either of you.
- I like updates because so often two lines in an update say more than a whole wall of text in the original post.
From your post one gets the feeling that this communication breakdown was a true lightning bolt out of the clear blue sky. Everything was perfect, but for the logistics, so his disappearal does sound shocking, crazy, a rug pulled off from under your feet :
Then , in the update you inform us that you were arguing every few months, and that the arguments were nasty, with him yelling and raging at you. Not your fault, but- then it was not all a bed of flowers, I suppose. You could hear the woodwork creaking, and see the cracks opening , and if the arguments were recurrent either of you or both were unwilling or unable to fix things.
So , how do you move on ? ..Again, by being aware, and taking responsibility. Not blame, not fault, - just responsibility. It takes two to tango, if nothing else because one of the dancers, without actually doing anything bad, maybe is too accomodating or too oblivious to what's really going on. When shitty things happen in human relationship, always evaluate what part did you play in it, always ask yourself how come this happened to you. So that you can LEARN and correct the navigation course in your next relationship.
There ARE of course blameless, powerless victims (... if you meet Ted Bundy , it's just bad luck, nothing you can do ) but rarely in a long term relationship. In relationships, shit happens and then it turns out that you haven't paid enough attention. To your own needs and wants, or to the partner's.
Example, in your case....
Oh wait, I want it to be clear that I am not blaming you or accusing you, this is not about finger pointing. I am just giving you a couple of examples that may spark your reflections :
your ex was verbally abusive , and not just once. Well... why did you accept it ? How come you let this happen more than once ? If respectful communication is not a must for you, and you don't really care, fine (... but then, you should not worry about him not having communicated with you in a respectful way after he left ) . But if you do care, and let it slide, then you have TAUGHT him to treat you without respect.
Oth, he left because he was not happy ( in the relationship ) : And, well... you loved him, you lived with him, you shared bed and table- no inkling whatsoever ? Not the least hint or sign that he was not happy ?... It is VERY difficult to live with someone who knows and loves you, and for them not to feel there's a change of emotional temperature. One should be a really great actor, because it 's not what he says, or writes : it's what they do, they way they look ( or don't look ) at you , the way they smile ( or don't )... so many little but perceptible cues. If you never noticed or suspected he was unhappy, and his " reason " took you totally by surprise, I guess that says something about how attuned, how aware ( this word once again ) you were....
You move on by deciding that you are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul, and the only one who is responsible for your happiness. Which in turn depends from knowing very well what you want and what you deserve, what needs to be changed in you, and what needs to stay the same and be honoured and cherished. And from operating your choices coherently with that.
What do you want ? what makes you happy ? Act with that in mind , and in time it will becoime second nature, sort of.
Do you want a man that lives in your house and is not afraid of facing some inconvenience as long as he is with you ? Fine- then any Mr. Logistics has got to go. Sorry, not his fault maybe, but he does not fit . Do you want a man that loves you and respects you ? Cool- then if a guy moves out then immediately goes incommunicado for 6 weeks , you do not even BOTHER to ask him the hows and whys- you let him go with a sigh of relief, because he clearly does not fit in your life plan.
That sort of solves the problem of trust too- you are not a potential hapless victim of ill-intentioned bad, cruel guys, You have the choices- whom you have to trust, is YOURSELF, to make every day every moment the best possible choice for you.
Of course, there's also an element of luck involved, I won't deny that some times, shut just happens. But... expect the best and be prepared for the worst, meaning that, if after you have CHOSEN well and acted well, it still won't work- well, that's life, not all people you'll deal with , it will always be a perfect, successful, fulfilling interaction. But then, you can both say " too bad , it does not work " and part ways without rage, bitterness or humiliation.
Ultimately, as uncomfortable and inconvenient this may be, still it is true : it is up to us. We have the choice. And the blame game is a sad useless waste of time anyway.
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A
female
reader, MK2017 +, writes (13 March 2017):
MK2017 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: we would argue every few months, no cursing or screaming, breaking things. Actually when he was mad, he would yell at the top of his lungs an inch from my face. I never did that.
A friend found an online dating profile last night so I guess there was cheating involved.
Explaining my story isn't playing the victim so if you're going to jump to conclusions, please don't bother responding. I need advice about moving on and trust.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 March 2017):
I hate to have to agree with Char - but tbh I sort of do.
Why do I hate it ? Because, your shock and grief sounds very genuine and are very moving, and in front of that, one would want to be able to offer only solidariety. But.. let's face it : you become enraged, viciously attack a guy for being guilty of the heinous crime of... having dumped you- and HE is the bad guy. Uhm.
I think this maybe is coming from a lack of awareness- I am not implying that you deserved what happened, - yet you may have failed to see how you contributed to this situation, what was your role in your couple 's dynamics.
You have been 3 years with this guy, and in this time he must have come to know you a bit. I can't believe that this was just some freak Jekill-amd-Hyde moment when in a split second you turned from a sensible, emotionally well balanced partner with whom one can have constructive confrontations, into a violent, out of control abuser. These things seldom happen in a vacuum. Now, in 3 years you may have never physically laid a finger on him, but my guess is that he must have had the chance to observe that you tend to fly off the handle and to have very strong, emotional, dramatic reactions when things don't go your way. I think that he suspected that when you are crossed it can get ugly.
Now, he STILL is a lily-livered, despicable coward, no doubt about that. He should have handled differently whatever might come from a breakup. Yet, he is a human being with all his weaknesses, foibles and sensitivities, and a very common one, for males AND females, is shirking from unpleasant scenes with people who did not prove themselves very good at having " open and honest and adult confontations ".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): I am so sorry sweetie. He is a piece of s^^^t. How low can you go? He has set the bar.It is best you move on. I know it is hard. But it is my guess that he has found someone else. Usually when they are that mean after a long time together, they emotionally disconnected a long time ago, likely due to there being another woman.It is hard to trust people, period. Even in the best circumstances but especially after being burned. Just take time to heal and take care of yourself. Someday you will just know instinctively when you meet your future husband that he CAN be trusted. And his actions will show you everyday because they are consistent. Trust actions, not words. You cannot hang every man for one jerk's actions. Yes, there are plenty of men out there you cannot trust but there are still good ones too.Hang in. So sorry you are going through this pain. It will get better. Trust me. One day at a time.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 March 2017):
 Interesting. Man hits woman = he's a waste of space. Woman hits man = HE'S a waste of space.
OP, your outrageous (and criminal) behaviour may come as a surprise to you but he apparently had reason to anticipate it, which is why he played nice long enough to get himself and his things safely out of your home before breaking up with you via text.
I regret this has happened to you, but instead of vilifying him and assuming the victim role, I suggest you take some time to reflect on this experience. Your ex clearly didn't think he could discuss what was bothering him with you in time to save the relationship. Blaming him allows you to avoid some unpleasant truths in the short term, but it doesn't allow you to learn and heal.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 March 2017):
 This says a lot more about him than it does about you.
For someone to break up in this way with someone they have been with for 3 years and with whom they have planned a future together is just cowardly and immature. If things were not working for him - as they obviously were not - he should have told you face to face and either tried to work things out or broken up decently and compassionately with you.
Dry your tears and realize you are mourning the loss of the man you believed him to be, not the waste of space he turned out to be. He is not worth another tear.
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