A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:2-3 weeks before I met my wife she did a professional porn video in which she says she was actually coming from another man's house where she had had sex with him. Along with that she revealed other things that she never told me and that she has never done with me. Such as being in a 3sum, road head, sex in strange places etc.My wife didn't tell me this until about a year after that happened and I was devastated, and I'm still really having problems with this.We rushed into our relationship. But because we are really in love with each other. Let it be known that I had sex with many women in the past and I don't regret any of it. And I would have been okay with her past, if not for the video. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but she got paid for sex, maybe that's it. She wasn't really in any financial need, she was 18 living with her mom and had an okay job. I love her, and I will not leave her because of this, but I find it hard many times to touch her or kiss her.. I found out about the video from a coworker. I'm in the navy and I'm gone a lot and about to be gone for almost a whole year. I fear this will ruin our relationship.About 3-4 months before I found out she began to be very distant and not wanting to have sex. She would always tell me it's because she just wasn't in the mood. Now she tells me it's because she is truly disgusted with herself and when she doesn't want to have sex that's it's not me, it's her. It was a secret that no one in the world knew about, and after I found out, somehow everyone from her home-town found out.I want to comfort her and make her feel better and I want us to go back to how our relationship was, but I don't know how to move past this.Help, please
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 March 2017):
 I can get why you feel the way that you do. I think it would benefit you both to speak to a therapist before you are deported. I honestly don't think you should leave before getting an appointment and talking it through because these feelings will eat you both up.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 March 2017):
 Can you move past it? I don't know honestly. I don't think I could have, if I were in your shoes.
Did you know about this before you got married or after? If it was before, then you knew everything and got into it so you shouldn't let "what people say" get to you. If it was after the marriage then yes, it's a breach of trust and while she doesn't owe you an explanation of her past, she did need to tell you about the video that the world knows about.
If you want to make the marriage work then it's going to take a lot of time and effort and being long distance certainly won't help. You need to be together and live together to communicate. It's just not the same via phone or email. You say that you'll be absent for almost a year... That's a lot to take for anyone, even in a stable relationship. In my opinion, once you're married, you stay together. What's the point of getting married otherwise?
Also, I just realized reading your question again that you're both barely out of your teens! Why did you rush into marriage this early? You're hardly equipped to deal with relationships and here you are, married, staying apart for the most part and on the verge of a divorce even before your 25!!
Both of you need to make smart decisions. Think long and hard before you decide to get pregnant. As for moving past this issue, I don't know. That's up to you too decide. It's going to take tremendous will power and even then, it'll be tough.
I'm curious though, why did your wife suddenly get put off by sex and start feeling disgusted wth herself over her past? Why did these feelings not come up when she agreed to get married to you or even when the wedding was approaching?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 March 2017):
 Show me a person who has never done anything they regretted and I will show you either someone with no conscience or someone who has done NOTHING. we've all done sh*t we're not proud of and, if we could turn back the clock, we would choose NOT to do. Your wife's error of judgement was this video - which is particularly nasty as there is a permanent record of her mistake.
Sounds like she is beating herself up over this and it will definitely not be a mistake she will ever make again.
You two could do with some sort of counselling to get this into the open and to figure out how to move past it. Keep the lines of communication open as much as possible while you are away and make an appointment to talk to someone as soon as you can. You CAN get past this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): Hi there,
Yes I can understand why you morally object to her being paid for sex and making a public video. That is a VERY different thing from just being promiscuous. That is a whole new level. It is actual prostitution.
Personally I don't think I would be able to forgive that if I found out my partner had done that. Because it is just contrary to my morals completely.
However, you say you love her and want to make it work. SO maybe you should get counselling. At least she seems to realize it was a big mistake. Maybe it was sheer teenage stupidity and she is completely past that now.
So, if you are a stronger person than most people would be in your situation good for you. Try to forgive because it is the only way you can move forward.
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