A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello.My good close friend who is 27 has had a rough few years. Her Mother passed away, the Father of her 2 kids left her (he still regularly sees the children)She has begun having a relationship (now 10 months and I have met him once) with someone who treats her so badly. He has been in trouble with the police on many occasions for aggressive and alcohol issues. He is a recovering from alcoholic (he is 26) He sends other girls inappropriate messages and receives inappropriate photos from them. All of this my friend knows. We met up for dinner last week and she was asking me if this was OK behavior. I was telling her that I don't know anyone who would put up with this sort of behaviour and not think it's normal because it is not. She said when she goes to his he will be sitting on his phone talking to his 'female friends' pretty much all evening. He has a 'best friend' 'A'. He has slept with A and lied about the circumstances around how it happened and how many time - it was a few years ago but he continously posts photos of the pair of them with captions like 'love her' etc. My friend found this uncomfortable and asked him not to to which he laughed and went and told A about my friends problem with their closeness and still continues to posts these. He has now blocked me and my boyfriend (who doesn't even know him) on all social media as my friend went back and told him that I said I wouldn't put up with my boyfriend posting sexual comments to other girls - much to the humiliation of my friend. She went to his to try and sort it out and she said she got quite upset and he was laughing at her!! Why can't she see he is not a good person? I invited her out today and she lied to me and said she was going to Germany to sisters but I have just found out she went out with him. Which is fine but now I feel like he is trying to isolate her from friends. It's all very odd. He has been reported for sexual harassment by a girl since being with my friend which was then dropped. My friend believes him when he said 'she came on to me and I rejected her, that's why she filed harassment cause she was embarrassed. He has thrown glass ashtrays at cars in a temper while they've been on a night out, my friend has someone tell her that he's come on to them but my friend hasn't believe done it.I an a little annoyed that my friend has gone back and told him about our conversation but at the same time I feel like she's used me as an excuse to call him.out as she kept saying to me 'am I overreacting- I don't want to offend him' He hangs up on her when she asks about things he does (posting sexual comments to other other girls on social media etc) Within about a month he was telling her he was going to propose to her soon. She introduced him to her kids within about 5 days! That shocked me and I feel he pressured her into that.Now she's lied to me about 'having time away from him' (she told me yesterday she was having some time away from him, today she's out with him and lied about it) Do I just let her get on with it? I'm not going to interfere and haven't! I have lots of girl friends and we always offer a friendly word of advice and let each other vent when it's needed - we just never go back and tell our boyfriends as we know it can cause conflict and it's not necessary. Advice please ?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 March 2017):
 You know what their really is not much you can do in this situation. It may baffle you but she is capable off making her own decisions and my guess is she wants to be with him so let her. If she is not being a great friend to you then break contact with her.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 March 2017):
 Let her be then if she is ALLOWING him to isolate her and keep her from her friend that IS her choice - not a great choice but her's none the less.
Would I cut her off completely? No. She might NEED someone in her corner at some point when she accepts reality. You can choose to BE that someone or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I messaged my friend on Sunday about my 30th next year and she hasn't responded. My other friend has seen that she has booked to go away for the weekend with her boyfriend this week. So now I'm being ignored and left for dust. I won't message her anymore but I do feel betrayed and upset that she isn't now speaking to me.....
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 March 2017):
 It baffles me too, yet something tells me she's not too smart, has low self-esteem and makes very poor choices in life if she needs to ask; "if this was OK behaviour" about her BF.
It'd be interesting to know how the Father of her 2 kids compares to this no good looser? Has she moved up the ladder of success or still picking guys from the same old pond?
This introducing her kids to him after 5 days really spells your friends desperate need for company, sex, attention, drama or perhaps a want for her EX to give a reaction?
Obviously she's (desperate) lonely and anyone will do to fill in that void after those rough years she's experienced. You on the other hand can only be there for her before it starts dragging you down. Is there any way you two can get together more by doing something positive in the community?
Sadly it's her journey in life as she chooses. But if anything endangers her children that she blindly can't see because of his influence; have a voice and speak up.
Take Care - CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBoth of her children are under 5. I will continue to be her friend and as you say she is an adult. I just cannot understand why anyone would let someone treat them this way? Completely baffles me. I have been with my boyfriend 7 years and not once has he ever done anything to humiliate me so I know the good apples do exist. Let's watch the space.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 March 2017):
 Your friend is an adult. If she refuses to see what a mess this guy is, then there is nothing you can do for her. Hard as it is - and it must be incredibly hard - you need to step back and let her ruin her own life.
My concern would be her kids. How old are they? Are they in any danger from this man? If you suspect he could pose any sort to threat to them, you need to report your fears.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2017):
She knows he is trouble. She KNOWS. Why she is choosing to ignore it is hard to say. I can tell you this, though, it's NOT out of love, or love as WE know it. She thinks she can "change" him. She is dating a man because she THINKS he can be a great guy if "only".... and that this "only" will happen if SHE tries HARD enough.
I am constantly amazed by a large number of smart women (and men) who dates totally UNSUITED partners and who KNOWS how crappy that partner is yet they stay. I have BEEN there done that myself as well and looking back I am STILL baffled. I have WTF! moments if I look back.
SHE has to come to the conclusion that THIS is who he is "warts and all" and that SHE can do better. All I would do is keeping being her friend. And IF/WHEN she asks you what YOU think, be honest. And I would DEFINITELY bring up her kids and how HE might affect them. (especially if she is even considering marrying him).
She is lying to you because it's "EASIER" than to admit she has a creep on her hands. And because she is LYING to herself.
Not saying she is stupid - smart people can live in denial too - but the saying:" you can drag a horse to water, but you can't make it drink makes sense in this scenario." She has to make the choice to drop him herself.
I know it's horrible to watch, like a slow-mo car crash.
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