A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What would you do? I am with a man who is lovely, upbeat, faithful and generous, but over that last 2 years, it seems his demeaner to me has changed in a negative way. The way he talks to me, and about me, seems to be not to put me down, but to say, I'm just a woman. For example, he jokes that he doesn't like having sex 'because he's old', but to me it feels more like he could take or leave me. I've often taken his jokes, as just that, but the way my friend reacted recently has led me to believe my feeling hurt by his comments is justified. The other issue is, he is addicted to online multiplayer shooter games. He has said they are like crack to him. When he is not on them he is thinking about them. Recently I came down to his to stay for a week. We havnt seen each other for 5 weeks and won't see each other for 7 weeks after I go home. The weekend I got back, he spent 4 or 5 hours gaming, I let him as I was tired, just wanted to chill and didnt want an argument. The 2nd day he played half the day, until his computer broke. He spend the rest of the day stressing out, calling friends trying to fix the problem. He made the joke, "what am I going to do now, I'll have to spend time with you". As funny as this may be to him and other gamers, it made me realise this is seriously sad. A 40 year old's attractive 25 y/o girlfriend has come to see him and all he cares about is the fact that he can't play games. He appologised for being neglectful/a rubbish boyfriend, assured me he loved/adored me and we would watch a film together that night. But by the time he'd got himself sorted I was so stressed out I just wanted a bath on my own, away from him.I love him a lot, and he tells me he loves me. He takes care of me and used to be so into me we spent ever day together,we couldn't stay away. he used to send me flirty dirty texts and we had a great, adventurous sex life. He says he loves me more than he used to but his actions show that he loves his gaming friends and game time more than me.I know it is addictive. But I know to him and his gamer friends its the best thing in the world. To him it is better than sex, which clearly makes me obsolite.I feel like I need to pull away from this relationship, but I just can't believe that it's true, when this was the best relationship I've ever had with anyone. Does anyone else have an experience of being with a gamer and how did that play out? I don't know how I can get him to see my point of view or understand how his behaviour makes me feel. This is stressing me out. I love him so much and we have shared so much, but when I'm away at Uni I am happier and more content. When I'm with him, I'm so happy to see him, but he just stresses me out. When he's not gaming he's moody, bored or angry, when he does, he just shouts at the computer screen and this makes me feel so tense and stressed. Other girls boyfriends come to visit them at Uni and they have fun, hang out and just chat, go out and go on holiday. We just do the same things. He has never been to see me at uni, due to lack of money(he can afford a new computer, he feels uncomfortable due to his age(my friends arent ageist and I go out with his friends here) lack of holiday time at work(fair enough), but part of me thinks it is because it would take away from his gaming time. he'd be away from his computer for a few days. I realise I am focusing on very negative things. I just need to get it all out there. I don't want to tell him all this because he will not like it. Although obviously I know I have to sort it out, one way or another. We've been together 2 and a half years so there have been great times and I do still adore him and feel drawn to be with him, I just can't handle the way computer games make him treat me :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies guys :) It's nice to get so much good insight and advice.
The issue is, he has been gaming to this degree most of his adult life, from what I can work out. He has lost a wife and several girlfriends through this. I used to think these girls were stupid/unlucky to lose such a wonderful guy, but sadly now I am realising how they could have felt.
We had a chat this evening, I said how I felt like he's not interested in me anymore and he said how much he is and that this is just the way he is. He's "a man who's used to being on his own". But I don't think that's an excuse to ignore your girlfriend when she's travelled 8 hours to stay with you.
The issue is that I don't feel that connection to him that used to be so strong. The passion he has is now aimed at his games and the fun and laughter we used to share is now mainly shared with his online friends. That is what makes me sad. I know relationships change, but I believe you should still make your partner feel like no1 in your world.
To dirtball, I completely agree. He could come and stay with me for a weekend/a few days and not see my friends. There are loads of other things to do. I've suggested this but he says it's a lot of money/time to travel for just a weekend(when I travlled over for his 40th for just a weekend). Before I left after the summer, though, he did promise to visit me this year, because it meant so much to me. I just don't think he appreciates how much I do sacrifice to be with him. He thinks I would travel back anyway, as it's my home, but that's just taking it for granted. There are so many other places I could go/things I could do if I stayed at Uni for holidays. I've tried to explain but he just doesn't get it.
As for him making up for things elsewhere, he puts me up in his flat "free of charge" when I stay, sometimes for 4 months in the summer or 1 month at christmas. He thinks this is doing me a favor, I guess it is, but again, I could just as easily stay in my flat at Uni which i pay for anyway. But to be fair, he is generous and buys me food when I stay with him. He lets me use anything that's his and will drive me places, as I don't drive.
To Cerberus, I see your point about hanging out with younger people, but when i'm back home, in the places we drink he talks to anyone. 2 of his bandmates are younger than I am. It would be nice for him to come over and at least meet my Uni friends, even just once. They all ask me when he's coming over and it's embarracing to keep saying, I don't know! All of their boyfriends come to see them. But I do understand the age may be a concern for him.
I do believe he is comfortable in the relationship, which in a way is nice, as he is content and has no intention to stray elsewhere(he reminds me of this) but he is too comfortable to the point where he just carrys on his life as normal when I come to see him. I would just like him to SHOW me I'm special. Words are nice, but I just want to be shown how much I mean to him with him showing an interest in me and wanting to do things with me and treat me like I'm special, so that he wouldn't need to tell me he loves me, because I'd already know.
As for the gaming, it's been around longer than I. I didn't notice the extent he played/didn't care when we started going out, as we were so loved up with each other. But now I see it is very much a part of his identity. I couldn't ask him to stop, he wouldn't ever do that anyway. He couldn't. He is an extravert and likes to spend time talking to people he plays games with. But I think that is rude when we don't see that much of each other. I guess he thinks I'm always gonna be there, or I'm not that fun, exciting or important to him.
I think my plan is to try to talk to him about how I feel when things come up. I find it hard to say things when it comes to saying them. I have some kind of mental block as I'm a born peace keeper and try to keep everyone happy, whereas he's very good at an argument. I end up feeling as though I'm the unreasonable one when I try to tell him how I feel. I feel as though I'm just needy and it's my problem. I guess this is all a learning process. I want things to work out so I will try to ride things out and get my point across as best as I can.
Thanls for your help guys :)
A
female
reader, MsVick  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 I just got out of a 7 year relationship with a man who was living a secret online life in the virtual world Second Life. Turns out the 'love" of my life is a transgendered man who desperately wants to be a woman and that is what life he fashioned for himself on this game. He spends all his time, his money and time at work, playing this game.
Near the end of our relationship when he became so absorbed into this virtual world it was if I was an intruder on his time. He didn't want me or reality he wanted SECOND LIFE, the fantasy. So that is what he has now as I left him.
Don't waste time on this guy, he hasn't grown up and he is probably living his fantasy life online with someone else (another avatar/gamer or such as the case of mine was)I really do think it is a sign of mental illness when a person can no longer live in reality but has to live their lives through a avatar/game.
Good luck.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (26 October 2010):
 My point about the lack of a visit being a red flag has nothing to do with her friends. As someone's partner it should be natural to want to see where they are living. Learn about their community. Do some giving instead of always taking. All of this can be done with little or no contact with the friend circle the OP has. The fact that he shows no interest in this is why this is a red flag to me. An age gap like that is likely to make socializing with your friend difficult OP. Cerberus is absolutely right about that, but to me it seems like all the sacrifice (visiting, travel, etc.) is being done by you. Relationships should be give and take. All you've shown us is how much he takes and refuses to give. Does he make up for that elsewhere?
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Little story here, I've been where you are ...
My husband was a WoW head, and my god you'd think the game had sex with him, cooked his meals, washed his dirty laundry, and kissed him when he came home from work. Note, before when we started dating he said he didn't play that much, but he was on it from the time he came home from work till the time he went to bed. The only time he paused it was to eat and bathroom breaks. I would be there sitting on the couch, extremely annoyed that game was getting my time..For a while I put up with it, till I asked him to get off of it and spend time with me, I'd get "in 20 minutes babe" which turned into a hour later..got fed up went to bed. Then I'd say snarky remarks such as "WoW doesn't kiss you goodnight." Next I had a serious chat with him and told him he needed to cut back and spend some time with me because I feel neglected. He listened and cut back just a little, that lasted about 2 weeks and it was back to how it was. Finally, I got fed up and told him it's complete crap this game is interfering with our marriage..then I threw in the ultimatum which like Cerebus said doesn't work. Then I knew I couldn't completely get him off his game so I told him he had to limit his time on the game to a hour a day and I'll permit more on the weekends. He didn't like it, but tough shit. So it didn't go well that week, he would break my rules and would be on it all night. I'd bitch, and go to bed without speaking to him. Well one day we fought over it so bad, he ended up throwing his computer across the room thus breaking it. Then he tried to download it on my Macbook but my Mac doesn't support it. Goodbye WoW. He hasn't bought a new laptop yet, because we're still paying on the $2,000 one he just broke. I told him he couldn't have one until, that loan is paid off. So now I get back my time, but only till he gets a laptop in about a year.
My advice, have the serious talk with him first..Don't try to throw a "me or the game" ultimatum because you won't like who he'll pick. You can bitch and complain all you want but it won't get you anywhere except a break-up. Hope that his computer craps out..And lastly accept that this is who he is and you can't try to change that. Either accept it or move on. Sorry darling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): I'm a gamer and I'm ashamed to admit in the past I've put off more worthy activities just to stay at home and play games. I've never neglected a girlfriend because of them though.
In my view it's like Dirtball said, he's become comfortable in his situation, too comfortable. Having no money means he can't do lots of things and playing games is an excellent time killer as they can be really exhilarating and exciting to play and they cost very little after the initial purchase. The problem is it's very easy to get addicted to the rush and after a while you can become so reliant on that rush that it can overshadow other things.
It seems to me like he's in a bit of a rut and games are his escape. When in the past his escape from life would have been with you. You're in the phase of your relationship now where the honeymoon period is over which means a lot of the excitement of the initial stages are gone. It's very easy for him to take for granted that you're going to be there and he doesn't have to put in the same amount of effort as before. This is the case because you've let him get this way by not bringing up the subject sooner.
It's time you had a chat with him. Be careful to be reasonable though, an "it's me or the games" ultimatum is not going to work. But you have to lay on the table that he's starting to be seriously neglectful of your relationship. Tell him it made you really sad that he decided to choose playing games over spending time with you when you last visited especially seeing as you aren't getting a lot of time together at the moment.
If he says why didn't you say anything then just say you hoped he'd do it on his own, but next time you'll mention it and come up with fun couple things to do. Just tell him it would be nice if he showed you through his actions that you take priority over games sometimes, you're glad he has something to occupy him while you're away but when you're there he shouldn't need them.
I have to disagree with Dirtball on the fact him not visiting you is a red flag, it's not. It's part of the age difference. I started dating my current girlfriend when she was 19 and I was in my late 20s, we had a similar social circle but her college social circle was very different. It was all people her age and they're not ageist either, but my age meant I had absolutely nothing in common with any of them. The way they partied, the things they said and did where boring and inane to me because I've done it all before. Saying I felt like a fish out of water is an understatement. They were all cool people, good honest friends to her, but any time I spent time with them I just got frustrated, bored and wished I was somewhere else even though the girl I loved more than anything was there.
I couldn't help but feel judgmental and condescending towards them because they were all young teenage college students, who like me when I was their age thought immaturity was fun as hell. Needless to say my girlfriend picked up on it and it made her uncomfortable as she would try so hard to make sure I was having fun that she was neglecting her own fun.
Purely a hypothetical but imagine you were dating a 14 year old (yeah I know, ignore the legality and implausibility for a second) but can you imagine spending a lot of time with him and his friends? It would be strange right? You'd feel out of place and the things that are fresh and new to them are old and unexciting to you. Well the difference in maturity is the same as it is for a 40 year old dating you. While you're friends may be downing jagerbombs and tequila dancing to lady gaga, he'll be standing there looking around while you join in or feel guilty that he's holding you back from joining them.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Do not be hesitant. He wasted a weekend that should have brought you two together. What could have been something you two loved, was instead something that stripped your heart of its utopia. As you said, you did not realize how neglected you were until he made a bad joke. You need to tell him and make him see that even though you love him and you want this relationship to work, his video games are taking him away from you. The moment ANYTHING drags one partner away from the other in a relationship, that something has to go. I highly doubt he would choose his video games over you, if he really loves you. You have to demand that he start putting effort into this relationship to show you, to PROVE to you that he still cares about you more than he cares about his video games.
I hope that helps.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (26 October 2010):
How long has he been gaming to this degree? It depends on the gamer and the game, but often it will run its course and he will back away from it after a while. NOW, some games will eat your soul if you let them. My best friend is into WoW and I'm ready for him to disappear for a couple of months when the expansion comes out next month. If I do hang out with him he will be playing that damn game. I'm a gamer too, but gratefully that's one that never kept my interest. It would have been bad news for me if it had.
Despite the fact that he won't like this conversation, it is one you need to have with him. You need to let him know how you're feeling. Be calm and honest. Don't yell or put him down. Let him know that it is important to you that he knows how he makes you feel when he ignores you during what little time you get together.
Really, his behavior is that of someone who is overly comfortable and not really concerned about what happens in his relationship. The fact that he's never visited you is a big red flag in my book. His excuse is lame because he could visit you and not deal with your friends if you wanted it to happen that way. There are ways around everything. He's just gotten lazy.
Games don't make him treat you this way. He treats you this way because he is a child in an adult's body. I'm a gamer too, and I've been in a similar situation to you. When my GF came to visit the only time my games would come on is after she went to bed or if we played together (she loved Rock Band). You need to talk to him about how he's treating you and let him know that his "jokes" actually hurt. Give him a chance to make it right but be prepared for him to walk away.
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