A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I feel we are ready to try to start a family in the next few months. We have just paid off some debt from my uni days and are looking now to rent a place (we currently live with his family). Our combined salaries are £40,000 a year, and we've worked out a realistic budget which covers everything from rent and utilities to petrol and spending money, and we would have £800 a month left over after this.Is this enough to support a child on? I'm not totally unrealistic about the costs of having children, especially if you were to take into account childcare, but I would love to hear from people in a similar situation, or who have done it before :)Also, I have quite a few different options I could take with my current job role, I work in accounts so I could consider working part time, or going self employed when the baby is old enough for me to think about going back to work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see your point :)
For me, growing up marriage was high on my list of priorities. Then my parents divorced when I was 18, and it kind of distorted my view of it all for a while. My mum married when she was 19, and by the time she had me when she was in her early 20's, she knew she didn't want to be with my dad, but they were very religious Catholic church goers, and it was very frowned upon in their community to seperate/divorce, so she stuck it out for 20ish unhappy years. 98% of my friends are married with children, but I would say 50% of them aren't happy, they married too young, had kids too young, because that's all they wanted and didn't care who it was with. My best friend is 25 and going through a divorce, with 2 young children also, but they were together 7 years and I truly thought they were the real deal, it's shocked me to see them going through this now!...I love the romance of marriage, but I think I don't feel as strongly about it as I did when I was growing up as it seems so touch and go alot of the time, but I do get the idea with security coming with marriage...Although saying that, when my parents divorced, my Dad moved out of the country and hasn't paid a penny in the last 6-7 years towards my 2 little brothers' child maintenance.
I guess life never really goes the way you want it to in the first place, or takes unexpected turns :)
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (27 October 2010):
 OP, I am not against children one little bit. I want a husband and family when I am in a position to give them the best possible start in life.
Maybe I am just old fashioned. I believe in having a strong commitment before children come along, and for me, that means marriage. If a man cant commit to me, how do I know he will commit to a child? From what I have seen with my own friends who have had children without that bit of paper,they have no security. The man can walk off on a whim. (Im not suggesting this would happen to you). A couple of my friends were left high and dry when their long term partners just left after they had children together. One found a younger model, the other decided he didnt want kids. Both women were left struggling financially as they did not really enough savings on their own. Maintainence checks only go so far. Because they were not married, there were no ties. The men can just walk out and never be seen again. I wouldnt want that for my child. But that is my opinion.
From observing my friends, it seems that those who just enjoy being a couple, living in their own house, without children for a couple of years seem to fair far better when kids do come along. There is less resentment from the fathers who no longer have the same level of attention as before, as this often seems to be a sticking point.
I just feel, that as you have never lived together on your own, as a couple (always being in someone elses house), would you not look back in 15,16, 17 years time when you have not had a day to yourself for years and wish you had been able to enjoy your youth (and possibly higher sex drive), and your own home (being able to do what you want, when you want) as a couple without the burden of children while you could. Once a baby comes along, you wont be able to do half the things you take for granted now.
I just dont want you to rush something you will later regret. I am all for having children, but you should not put having kids before everything else in your life. A strong relationship with your partner is far more valuable right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalmasdp - thank you so much for your helpful reply :)
celtic_tiger - Yes marriage is on the cards (we are engaged) but to be honest it is not something that is on our urgent to do list, considering most weddings cost tens of thousands of pounds, even budget ones cost you a few grand. The way I see it, there are 2 things you can do to show your lifelong commitment to someone, get a piece of paper and a new surname, or create a new life with them. I'm happy for you that you would prefer to get married fist, but to be honest, that's not everyone's preferred path in life. You seem like the kind of person who is very against kids, or are you talking from experience? As in, have you had a relationship that has suffered from having children? I know that having a baby is a lifelong commitment and it is never "just you two" again, but that is also part of the appeal - you build on the two of you.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (26 October 2010):
Its not so much about settling in....but if you plan on being together for the rest of your lives, and getting married (you havent mentioned this, and personally, that is what I would do first, just my opinion) do you really never want to have time for you as a couple?
Once a baby comes along it will never just be you two alone. No couple time. You will never get to be just the two of you and maybe if you rush children you may regret not having that you time later in life. When you have multiple children, and you crave a bit of time for yourselves.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your advice :)
Both my partner and I have lived with previous partners, so we're quite aware of the little niggly things that can come up :) We have bought everything we need for the house apart from a sofa (which we'll probably get off Ebay for £100 or less), our "under the ned" stash as his mum calls it! We've got a few thousand saved up for the deposit and fees, and a little extra for breathing room if things are at all tight the first few months.
You are all right though, we would need to settle in before we started trying for a baby, it's not something we want to rush into (though perhaps it sounded that way), as it's something we have given alot of thought into, and if we weren't bothered about being organised would be trying now :)
We quite often have the house to ourselves as his parents are always off travelling and on holidays, I know that's not the same at all as living on your own together, but we do have a good idea that we get along well on our own, and have lived together for the past 9 months :)
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (26 October 2010):
I think before you start a family you should spend some time living on your own as a couple. At the moment you are living with his family, and that is a VERY different experience to having your own home, paying your own bills and doing your own housework. Everything will be YOUR responsibility and you may find characteristics in each other that you dont like - ie he wont help with any of the housework.
There is also the question of taking the time to just be a couple for a while, living on your own, and having a house to yourself. Remember, once kids come along, all that privacy is gone. The child becomes the prority, and often the partner is sidelined, no matter how hard you try.
You can never get that time back once a child arrives. There will be very little "you" time as a couple. Think about it before you rush into anything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): If only the rest of the world looked at their financial situation before having children! I was raised by two working class parents who owned far less than what you two get. I was raised very well and never went for anything. You have more than enough money!
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Well I think while £40k per year is not a lot and money will be tight, the average family in the UK has a combined income of £25k per year so you should be ok. It will be tough, and you will find yourself struggling for money if you do quit your job to be a full time mum or go part time, but you should be ok.
I think really what you should do is think about getting a place together and sorting that out first. You will soon find out what your financial situation is going to be like once you have rent & bills to deal with, if you find that it is ok and you are managing well then that is an indicator that adding a child to the family should be managable too. But if you find yourselves struggling for money and it is harder than expected - well at least you have waited before you got pregnant to find this out. I would suggest that you dont start trying to get pregnant until you have lived in your own place for at least 6 months - 1 year. That will be enough time for you to get settled, sort your finances out and learn how to manage them without any parents to rely on.
And dont forget the costs of setting up home - even if you rent a furnished property there still is a LOT to purchase - you need all your kitchen equipment, bedding etc so this can be quite costly. And often you cannot afford to buy it all outright, so you pick up bits and bobs over the first 6 months or so you live there until eventually after a few months you have everything you need.
I would also say this as a word of warning - the majority of places you will want to rent (the nice new modern homes & apartments) dont allow children. Landlords are very strict on the tenants they will accept and it is quite hard to find a rental property that allows children. You will probably have to go for an older home that is a bit larger (a family home) to find a landlord that will allow kids. The smaller, modern properties tend to all be no pets, no smokers and no children (from my many years of renting experience!).
I think you sound like you have given this a lot of thought and you have your head screwed on so I dont think you will make a bad decision here, and with your combined salaries I think you will be ok to have kids. The main concern here is that you want to do it in a "few months" when you have not even found somewhere to live yet - I think this is a little unrealistic and you need to wait a year before you start trying for a child. I know it is exciting and I understand you will be eager to start a family, but getting yourselves and your finances in order, getting settled into your home and getting everything in place before you bring a child into the world is much more important.
You really will be taken aback by all the unexpected things you need to buy when you move out from his parents to a rented home, and the initial expense of renting is still quite a lot. You need a deposit (always at least 1 months rent), an upfront rent payment (normally 4-6 weeks), admin fees and depending on when you move, pro-rata rent too. When I moved into my new apartment which is £795 per month the total my boyfriend and I had to fork out upfront was around £2,500 - so this is a fair chunk of money to shell out before you have even moved in!
If you have been living with his parents for a while it will take a bit of adjustment when you are renting your own place, so the wise thing to do would be to get settled first and make sure you are happy with your financial situation once you have gotten used to all the expense of leaving the parent's house. Then once you are settled, happy with the monthly bills and payments, and you can make a realistic budget for the next year - then you can start trying for a family. Having a budget based on estimates is all well and good, but often it never works out that way and once you have been in your new place the budget will change quite a lot. Hence why it is worth waiting until you can put together a REAL budget based on REAL figures before you can think about how much you will have left for a child.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
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reader, serenity80 +, writes (26 October 2010):
It sounds like you do to me, also remember as you get older at least one of you is going to become more experienced and likely to earn higher.
Just think of the amount of people on state benefits and manage to bring up kids!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Hi well i havent been in your situation just so you no but it sounds like you and your boyfriend have everything planned out and therefore that is a good start. however you also need to look at the fact that you never no when things could go wrong and one of you lose your job. however saying this there are plenty of people out there with children that are a lot worse of than you and therefore if you feel that you want to have a child then go for it as long as a child has there basic needs met and lots of love then that is all that matters. you both sounds like you have your heads screwed on and that is a great start.
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