A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help...I love this man and he loves me. We do really care about each other trully. I want to be with him only.We've been "dating" for 6 mos now. But he wont make any commitment to me. Im not asking for a wedding ring just a standard relationship--boyfriend/girlfriend--I dont think thats much and I cant understand why it bothers him so much.We talk mostly every day. I offer him alot of emotional support (he's struggling with many issues including addiction) He offers me alot too because we care.And we are both very into each other But the other night I basically said I couldnt have a sexual relationship anymore due to the lack of clarity around us. I asked if he even cared if I met someone else. Did he even want me for himself? He said he knew I could leave him...he just doesnt like to think about itSo Im mad and hurt and I guess I need to leave it alone. But I feel so torn and wonder if there is anything I can do.Suggestions?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012): OP HERE!
Thanks everyone for your time and feedback ;)
I finally told him how I felt and really (in a kind way) expresses that I couldnt go on this way. I told him how much I care but have to stop living in denial.
Its very hard. I feel so sad. But the illusion of a relationship IS NOT a relationship I have to keep reminding myself of this.
His response to me was not reassuring or indicative of him wanting to compromise anything.
I hope he gets sober. I will pray for him. I guess meanwhile I just need to be alone and heal.
A
female
reader, FreshPrincess  +, writes (28 July 2012):
What do YOU want? He's telling you who he is, and you're chosing not to accept it. You want to be his girlfriend, and he doesn't want you to be. To me, that's a black and white answer, and it's unlikely to change. It's going to hurt, but it's time to walk away. He told you what he was willing to give, so you either accept it or walk away. I would walk away because it's not what you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012): if he's not ready to commit, then he's not ready, nothing you can do about it. frustrating I know, but this might be a sign that you might want to not be investing too much of yourself into this guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): "He's unwilling to commit to me. Any suggestions or ways to encourage commitment from a guy?"
"I basically said I couldnt have a sexual relationship anymore due to the lack of clarity around us."
There's your answer, he's unwilling to commit because you're already sleeping with him, so you have nothing more to offer him. If you want a commitment from a guy, don't go to bed with him until you know where he stands, because if you do, then he already knows where you stand.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (27 July 2012):
 Well, you have only been dating six months. That's too soon to be asking for commitment. the conventional wisdom (and it makes sense in my experience) it takes a year, if not two, to discern whether or two people are really compatible or not.
Anyway, the fact is that if he's not willing to commit, you can not make him. You can either leave well enough alone for now and see where you stand in another six months, OR decide it's already been enough, and end it now.
Danielepew and nononsenseAidan have given you very good advice.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (27 July 2012):
 He may not be willing to commit to you because of his addiction issues. Is this really someone you want to be with? Is this someone you really want to commit to?
I agree with Aidan. If he won't commit for whatever reason, you are best to move on. Staying will only make things more confusing and painful for you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 July 2012):
 Sometimes, not getting a clear yes is the same as getting a clear no. It seems this is one of those times.
If you want more and he won't give it, then you can either stay as you are, or leave.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (26 July 2012):
If you’ve made it clear that you want commitment, and he won’t commit, you’re best off sparing yourself more emotional pain and walking away. There could be all kinds of reasons why he won’t commit, but the reality is that if the things that each of you want from this relationship can’t be reconciled, you’re basically incompatible. So if you haven’t already talked to him, told him honestly what you want and asked him to do the same, you should do so, to find out where you stand. But if you have, and things are still the same, it might be time to accept that there’s no future for you.
I wish you all the very best.
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