A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone..I´ve been with my bf almost two years. We´ve had some problems as every couple..but we love each other..At least I think so..He´s very kind to me,says he loves me all the time,he´s gentle, he surprises me, i have so much fun with him..but here´s one thing we fight about a lot..he is too independent..I often don´t feel like I´m in a couple, because he has too many interests..almost every day something. And when I want to be with him it´s almost always me that calls him out. I have interests too,but I put them aside because I want to spent at least some time with him..When I look at other couples, they spent every free time they have together, but my bf prefers to spend it with his hobbies..We´re together only like 2-3 times a week..I talked to him about it, but all he ever says: you know who you went into relationship with". I don´t want to be hysterical and suffocate him..But I really don´t know how to handle his rejections..Thank you for advices what to do. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (26 February 2013):
Well, you guys should have spoken about this right from the start.
I'm exactly like him. I need my own time and lots of it.
When there's a potential gf in the picture then I'll try to have a tactical conservation asap about kids (I don't want them) and that I need my own time and lots of it.
So I don't want us to see each other every single day.
In return she will get someone who will cherish her when we are together.
You really can't blame him especially when his priorities were clear from the beginning.
I'm a believer in the power of desire. Long for him at the times you are not together. This will make you appreciate the time you guys are together more.
Quality is more important than quantity really.
A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Yes like mention previous do no contact see what happens. We all know we dont need someone else were born by ourself but if it like that then it best to find.someone more compatible with your style of giving attention. I did this with a few folks to find out I never was a priority anyway so that just free me up of time.and energy to use and have for self anyway. Which I should have been having since I got little of that in my dealings in life.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 I guess my advice would have to be : introduce me to your boyfriend :) If he does not mind women twice his age, I am sure we'd get along just fine.
Compatibility is also about the level and amount of intimacy and closeness which people think is desirable. If there is too much disparity in that, - and no will or possibility to compromise , alas, there may be love but it's not going to work.
Everybody is different, while I was reading your post I was thinking : " Rejection ? WHAT rejection ? The guy is loving, caring,affectionate, fun, probably interesting since he has so many things he is into and he can talk about - AND they see each other 2 or 3 times a week !"
To me, that would sound just perfect. What you mention as your ideal - couples spending ALL their free time together - sounds like a nightmare to me - and probably to your bf too. People can be crazily, passionately in love ( at least, I know I can ,and probably your bf can too ) and still need time and space to do their things.
It's a personality thing, just as being shy or generous or artistically inclined. It's not something he does to spite you, to reject you , to deprive you of appreciation and affection . It's the balance he needs between social and personal, between me time and us time , to be happy.
Yes, but, you'll reasonably say, but what about ME: I am NOT happy ! I'd be happy with at least twice as much !
Well... advice number one is : we are who we are. People do not change ,basically, unless THEY want to change because THEY think they are wrong. Since this is not the case, if you just can't handle a basically good relationship with less closeness than you want, perhaps you should seriously reconsider if in the long run he is the right person for you. Probably you'd be happier with someone with matching needs . Why should you reconsider and not him ? Simple : because he is happy about how things are now. You aren't.
Since I can imagine you won't like this advice , though , hold on, I have default advices- the situation is not so dramatic, you can work around it a bit.
First, why don't you take up some of his interests, so you can share some of the activities doing something you both like, which is a very bonding experience, as much or more than spending hours cuddling and kissing ? tell him to teach you things, to show you things... or viceversa, of course. Introduce him to some of your interests, you never know. Same of the things you already do, or that you'd like to do . In this way you'd spend more time together, but it would feel less claustrophobis, less forced coupledom, less " punching the clock " of love.
OR/ AND... you say : " I have interests too, but I put them aside... " Then it's not something you are really interested in , it's a passtime. You don't need a passtime, you need a PASSION. ( other than your bf , of course ). When you cultivate a passion for something, time flies without you even noticing, you don't need anybody else to be happy .
It does not have to be anything special or fancy or intellectual, just something that you can really get into, that you can really feel.
In other words, I feel that maybe you have made your bf too much the main , or only, source, of pleasure,joy and gratification in your life, he is the only " thing " that makes you feel good . That's why you miss him so much . Which is cute, but also, as you see, problematic.
Good luck and, trust me : there's something worse of an independent, busy, freedom loving partner, - and it's a needy, clingy , obssesive one that you can't fend off with a stick !
...............................
A
female
reader, sneha09  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 just accept it,there is no issue in it.Even if you are calling or making plans as long as you people are enjoying.You can develop few hobbies for your time too..so that you can evaluate that there is no problem,and he would pick you and relationship up if you fail somewhere in what he wants.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 February 2013):
 other than the fact that you seem to be the one making all the plans all the time if I'm reading this correctly, I'm not seeing a huge issue here.
my husband and I have different hobbies and tastes in things... it's part of what keeps us interesting.
if you are calling him and asking to see him daily and he's not interested in that, well then maybe you are more invested in him than he is in you.
stop calling and asking to get together and see where it goes... if he doesn't call and ask to see you, well then that may mean you are not that important to him.
...............................
|
