A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I met this bloke 3 months ago on a training course and we hit it off straight away. He told me he was married, but they are separating and the house is up for sale (I know the house is for sale as my friend lives near him and the sign is outside). Only trouble is when I meet him (a few times we have stayed in hotels for a weekend or night) and he has to go back to his marital home I get all upset and insecure, then start sending nasty texts to him when I've had a drink ! We've just got back from a wonderful 5 days holiday together, which makes it even worse ! I rang his home last night (as he wasn't answering his mobile which got me even more mad) and he went balistic, saying that his wife was going mad and hung up on me, but what I don't understand if they are going their separate ways, like he says they are, why should she bother if I ring him or not? So he sent me a text this morning to stop "hassling" him and I've caused loads of trouble, and it hurt so much, especially when we've just got back from holiday. I'm just gonna leave it now to see if he gets in touch again. When I met him on Wednesday I suggested that we don't meet until he gets his own place, so I've shot myself in the foot really ! Anyone any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for your reply, I guess your right, but it bloody hurts though doesn't it? Even if he did get a place of his own I could never trust him so thats a "no-go" for starters. I'm sorry to hear that you got hurt as well, and are well and truly over it and happy. The problem was I hadn't been out with anyone for ages, then he comes along, I'm sure men are built in with a sixth sense that tells them your vulnerable and will believe anything they tell you ! I know I was wrong to ring his house, but hey, we all do things we regret don't we ?
Anyway thanks for taking the time to respond to me. X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): Errrr no you have not shot yourself in the foot you have done the right thing. He is a liar I'm afraid and I know because this reads like a story I could have told about when I wrongly got involved with a guy who was married. Of course when I met him he had no wedding ring and never mentioned it. 6 weeks down the line and we had slept together (which I don't do unless I am serious so I was already full of emotion) he drops in he is married and unhappy and his wife is hardly ever there. I called his mobile (not home) one evening and his wife answered it. I got a similar tirade of abuse from him asking what the hell I was playing at. I was caught in a trap.. When I start backing off he brings on the guilt. The worst bit? His wife was pregnant. That finished it for me - and nearly finished me mentally too. It took me about a year to get over this incident - could not trust a man or myself (my own judgement). How could I have got someone so wrong. You are not seeing clearly because your emotions are involved. This guy has 'told' you through his actions everything you need to know. He cares more about his wife's feelings than yours. He told YOU off not her. He is still living with her and has told you to stop hassling him. You have every red flag waving at you. Remove yourself from this before you get damaged. I don't doubt that when the dust has settled his end he will come back for more... do you want to be with a man like that? Save yourself the heartache.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 July 2010):
 Leave it...seriously he's still married until he's divorced if you get my drift. At the first sign of trouble he's slammed down on you that you upset his wife.
It's harsh but he thinks more of her than you...and truthfully he's cheating on her so your even lower down the pecking order.
Cut your losses or your going to make an even bigger fool of yourself and he's going to end up being even more pissed at you than he is now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): 3 months is a very short time to secure a long-term relationship. I know when you fall in love, sometimes there's no way to stop it (even when you see it coming), especially if he's whispering in your ear that he "wants to be with you forever". It must have been alarming when he didn't move out immediately. I think we (women in general) automatically try to save or expect to retained what gained in our relationships.
However, nasty texts and calling his house is a sure way to end a relationship. But hey, at least you've got closure. His wife been married for sometime, and just found out he had an affair!
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (16 July 2010):
 I agree with quiet-echo too. The Mod must not have liked my original post, because I said something similar, however far less eloquent.
Cheating/not cheating aside. Your behavior was that of a petulent child. I've known pre-teens to act more maturely. Seriously, how do you plan to ever have a lasting relationship if you freak out the second you don't get the attention you crave? I'm single, and if you ever did those things with me it would be over too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): You need too give him a bit of space, me might be going through a rough time with his ex-wife, she could for all you know be giving him greif. so just keep your distance for a week or so to let it blow over.Don't worry (:
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female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (16 July 2010):
 i have to admit i agree with quiet echo although some of the things he said was harsh lol.. you expected too much too soon. dating someone who is still living with their ex or to be ex is never a good situation you should of left it till he got his own place to make sure that he was cheating and also could give you the attention you need and deserve not spending it arguing with his wife! really walk away and if in a year or a month he wants to meet up fine but only do so when he has no moral obligations.. good luck
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (16 July 2010):
 yeah- getting together with someone who is in a relationship is never a good plan.
when men say they are leaving their wife they usually aren't.
calling up their house must have alerted the wife to you- bad move
you can do better so move on and dont talk to him even if he calls you
he is a user
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (16 July 2010):
 YES. Do not contact him again. Not now, not ever. This man was using you for sex and in sending you the "hassle" text he made it very clear that whatever was going on between you is finished.
He's married and lying about separating from his wife.
That their house is up for sale means NOTHING. They'll live together in their new home.
Nor was it a good idea to get drunk and send nasty texts just because you were feeling upset. Not that it really makes any difference; just something to remember not to do when/if you meet a SINGLE (i.e., divorced or widowed - NOT separated - man in the future).
I'm not surprised that his wife chewed you out. Seriously, are you? You have been cheating on her with her husband - not that he isn't just as much in the wrong as you. However, maybe I'm being a tad too harsh: is it possible that you were not aware that it's never wise to get involved with someone who tells you he's "separated" UNLESS and UNTIL he can show you his divorce papers?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 July 2010):
Are you sure he's leaving his wife? Seems to me like he's not. It seems more like they're just moving. Either that, or he's not that great a guy.
One to be avoided, I think.
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