A
female
age
30-35,
*evil's Angel
writes:He's married, but I love him....I don't really know what to expect back from everyone but I just need an impersonal sounding board. My frinds all say the same thing, he's married, he cheated on his wife so you can't trust him. But here's the deal, I do trust him. He has been my best fried for nearly 4 years, and recently we got closer, intimately. There is quite a large age gap between us but it doesn't mean anything, they're just numbers. But he has been married to his wife for nearly two years and his wife has just given birth to his first child. I know when reading this people will automatially be outraged that he could cheat on his pregnant wife, but the thing is we were very close before he got married, then we lost touch during which time he got married, then we got back in touch again and we couldn't seem to be able to stay away from each other. At first, yes, we made sure nothing happened, I had a boyfriend and even though my relationship with him was pretty much over I refused to cheat. But when I was single again, I looked into his eyes and I couldn't stop myself from wanting to see his gorgeous smile again, or hear his voice over the phone, and eventually when we kissed I didn't know how I could turn back. We have "split up" a couple f times because I don't like the fact that I see him once in a blue moon and I hate the fact that we are decieving some woman I don't even know. It's not an excuse I know for infidelity but she's violent towards him and they were about to call it a day when they found out about the baby. He doesn't want to be with her, he's staying in the relationship because he doesn't want to be denied the opportunity to spend time with his new baby girl. I love him, and he loves me, I look into his eyes when he tells me looking for honesty and it's there. I trust him completely. I just don't know what to do. He says he will move out in a couple of months, his wife knows he's not happy. But when their marriage is over, I can't help but think everything will be completely different and I don't know if he will want me anymore. Please give your advice, but I beg you not to look at this like he's a monster because he's cheating, i need you to see him the way i do.
View related questions:
infidelity, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, SALAHADDIN  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 i would tell u only one thing
put yourself in his wife's shoes.
A
female
reader, PurityNo1  +, writes (3 February 2011):
I just want to know where is he today? did he devorce already? i hate it when married people lie to their mistresses.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 All married men are off limits !
You will get plenty of heartaches and sorrows and it is not worth the efforts.
It is a quagmire to be involved with a married men .He comes with a lot of baggage and your nascent love may not be able to overcome all those problems that you will face.
There will be plenty of lies and deceits and you cannot live your life openly and must hide it from the world.
You may love him but you should not have any relationship with him.
Put yourself in his wife's shoes. Imagine the role is reversed. How would you feel if another woman who acts like you is going after your husband.?
Remember Karma.What ever you plant , so shall you reap. Do not do unto others if you do not want others to do unto you.
You are still young and idealistic and you think that your love will carry you through.
Being in love and being pragmatic are two different worlds.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2010):
 Hey wait a moment.. your 16-17 and he's been your friend for four years... that makes your older married man your good friend since you was 12-13years old....
He can't stay 2 years in a marriage, but he's gonna be with you until the day he dies (after he gets his divorce) that's an awful long time, since your gonna live a long, long time.
What happens when you grow up. At 16 your body, your emotions and mind are all changing? How old is this guy? Your gonna love him for ever, might happen, but to tell the truth over time with more age and experience people usually change.
A young 16 year old, playing stepmother and 2nd wife to another child and a previous relationship. Have you even left school yet?
mmmmm... Laws in Britain have recently changed. He's known you since you were 14, I hope you are 17 as he could be arrested and charged with "grooming" you, and placed on the sex offenders register. Do you parent's know about this sexual relationship with a married man, what do they have to say?
I hope he doesn't leave his wife. A young girl like you with a man who has financial and family responsibilities already. Your taking on a lot, your saddling yourself with a lot of problems before you've even began to enjoy the freedom adult life gives. I hope you know what your doing. How old is this guy, why is it a secret? Usually men who are married and older, if they are nice try not to have sex with 16year olds and leave them alone until they are older and more mature.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2010):
Ok.. I'll try to see it through your eyes.
1. You knew him before her, you've been friends for 4 years, and he got married when you was away.
2. They have an unhappy marriage, (but not unhappy enough to avoid having sex and making a baby)
mmmm.. advice remains the same. He is married. Leave him, cut all contact untill he can show you some divorce papers. If he loves you, then he'll get a divorce, and he will come after you. He wants to spend time with his child, well let him, he'll be able to concentrate better without you in his life.
True love waits right, and true love conquers all. If he loves you then you'll be together. True love shouldn't die just because your apart and are not seeing or talking to each other any more. If you can I suggest you move, he can get your address from your family if he is divorced and wants you. If you can't be without him for a couple of months (years) then your love just isn't strong enough and your both fooling yourselves. Don't be the other woman, that type of lifestyle sucks, cause your always 2nd best, waiting alone while he tries to sneak out to see you...
...............................
A
male
reader, HarryFlashman  +, writes (15 February 2010):
There isn't any way to look positively at cheating on a pregnant wife. He's lying to someone with whom he made a serious commitment. She BROUGHT A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD FOR HIM, and all he can think about is his own needs. He's a skunk. And you are aiding and abetting him, so you are a skunk too. Sorry. If he didn't want to be married to her, he should have had the decency to tell her so upfront first.
As a guy in his mid-to-late 40s, here is something I have observed: Guys who will cheat on wife #1 will cheat on wife #2. I'm not talking about a single slip-up when drunk or something -- those happen, and are bad, but... systematic cheating over a period of time reveals basic integrity problems. Those problems never just "go away" in adulthood. (They could be fixed if the person really decided they wanted to change, but... that is rare. VERY rare.)
He's not a monster; cheating isn't that grand. He's a common (in the vulgar sense) skunk.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): oh honey. You are so young... you don't know. I know you want our suport, but this is not a good guy. The good guys don't do stuff like this. period. This is innappropriate on so many levels. first of all, you have known him a long time so you were 15 when he got married. NOT appropriate. Next, he's cheating on his wife. Of course he tells you he's not happy. That's what married men who cheat always say. I'm so unhappy but I can't leave because of x. I will leave soon and we will be together. That's how they string you along. I know you don't want to believe this but you can either listen now, or learn the hard way when he doens't leave her in a few months. Or a few years. Please you are so young you deserve so much better.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (15 February 2010):
 You say he has been your best friend for four years, yet he got married. Admittedly, you are much too young to have married him, but facts are facts: best friend or not, he chose someone else.
Which means: he is NOT FREE to have a relationship with you. Whether he and his wife are happy or not; whether he intends to leave her or not, is not something you can concern yourself with. They have to sort out their own problems. Besides, she just had a baby! The baby has to be their first priority. And in any case, how do you know his wife is violent? Because he told you so? Have you seen any bruises on him? Heard any fights between them? Been told it by a close friend of theirs?
Your first instinct, refusing to cheat, was the right one. Now you need to honor it again and end this. There can be no real peace or joy in your life with all this going on.
Leave him be, and see what happens. See if he really does divorce his wife in time, and if so, whether he gets in touch with you again.
...............................
A
female
reader, lm9hi +, writes (15 February 2010):
 first of all you say yous were close before he got married, well doesn't that tell you that he picked her over you.
and for him to keep seeing you once he is married, im thinking that to him this is just a bit of fun, as you said you only see him once in a blue moon, so the rest of the time is he with his wife? it shows that he is serious about her, and mibi not so much you, i know this will be hard to hear, and to be honest i think you know the truth deep down.
Then for him to have a child and you to keep seeing him, well i find this unacceptable, do you want to be responsible for breakin up this family? Im from a broken family and to say the least my childhood wasn't exactly pleasent. You need to have a think about the people that are involved in this, its not just you and him, he has a family, and i would never want to be responisble for breakin that up.
I think you care about him more than he cares about you, and im sorry this is the case, you seem nice, mibi a bit naive, but go find a boyfriend that your age, without a family would help, then yous can start a family of your own, your still young, enjoy your childhood while you can, you never know what could happen and it could be taken away from you, you only live once so dont waste what time you have stressin about this.
I hope everything works out for you, good luck!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 You love him, that is normal but he is a married man. I dont wanna say anything negative about him cos i dont really know him personally. But i just wanna say to you. Dont".. dont do this. what ever you feel, try to hold it. No matter what happen he has a wife he is married and he is going to be a father. You dont wanna be the reason of this broken family.
Hold your emotion, dont let it win you. for your own sake, let this go.... Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 I am not outraged by that guy. When people get married they agree to love and cherish each other, that includes showing affection and being gentle with each other. We are always hopeful when we see someone new. Since you don't see him that much you don't know each other well. You are relying on the beautiful image in your head to hang in there. It's possible he still wants you, but do you accept the fact that he would give part of his income, and attention to his family, when some other single guy would gladly spend all that on you? It's also possible he would say to you, "you need some guy who's single and without family trouble, or someone younger." It's you who are going to decide if you want to invest more into the relationship. I would ask you to reconsider not because he's a monster (he could actually be a very nice guy), but love is possessive, as much as it should be free, and that you might change your mind and want someone who's clean and without a past.
...............................
|
