A
female
age
41-50,
*lways unappreciated
writes:Well,I'm with a man who doesn't say "I love you too" when I say "I love you" because he feels he should say it when he wants to, and not because I feel like he should. He says he loves me, just very rarely. Now, it's Valentines Day and my man that I have been with for 10 months now is in the other room on the phone where he has been since 9 this morning. He woke up and told me Happy Valentines day, but then talked about going out of town tonight to pick up a part for his car. He hasn't planned anything, and tomorrow's my birthday, and I'm already feeling like it's gonna be a bummer too. He sent me a text this morning that said Happy Valentines Day, but I could see where he also sent it to 20 other people as well, not just like his mom, other women that are just "friends". I guess I feel unimportant and I don't feel very special. I am a divorced mother of 2, I'm 33 years old. Is it childesh for me to feel so down about this? By the way, he decided we shouldn't get anything for each other for Christmas too, he said we could go after and get better deals, so we made it about the kids. But we never did go shopping. He also told me that he will have to get me something for my birthday when he sells his car and has the money. Even though he has money right now, he just wants to use it for the piece he needs for the car. I have told him over and over again that material things don't interest me, I have told him that the thought goes alot further than money. I would have been happy with a card and a single flower. I just wish I knew if my feelings were normal or am I being stupid? Any help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): I just thought i'd throw it out there that i am in the same position as you, minus the age, children and previous marriage. I can't offer you any advice, as i'm still in the situation, but it made me feel a little better knowing i'm not the only one (not that i would like anyone else to be in the situation). I didn't even get a happy valentines day acknowledgement. I didn't get anything at all on my birthday which was 2 days before his. Christmas present was several weeks late (at least i got that one). Doesn't make me feel good about myself. Doesn't think how i feel about things are important. Says i'm being stupid all the time when i get emotional. Doesn't matter how much him doing something pains me, he wants to do it and that's final. Sex is ALL him.
I KNOW if i was so meone else looking at our posts, i would say to dump him and move on. But i know how hard it is... I hope you have the strength that i can't find in myself to leave him when it gets too much.
A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (14 February 2010):
 You aren't being childish. You have a right to expect certain niceties when being in a relationship with someone. That means having them take notice (and do something) on your birthday and exchanging gifts on holidays. Also, (and I had to deal with this with my husband as well), explain to him that sometimes people should say "I love you" not when they feel like it, but when the person they love needs to hear it. Its not designed to be a selfish, one sided expression, sometimes you say it to make someone else feel better. He does understand that, I'm guessing, he is just choosing to be selfish and kind of withholding. I think it sounds like he is possibly a person who enjoys having the power by withholding affection.
The thing is, he should want to give you gifts, he should want to make you feel special. Is there any other thing he does to express how special you are to him? I hope it is apparent in some way.
If I were you I would insist on these things. Tell him that you have expectations that aren't being met, and see how he responds. You deserve to feel special. Good luck to you!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (14 February 2010):
Well always measure a man by his actions, not his words. He doesn't tell you he loves you, and that wouldn't be so bad if his actions showed he did love you. As it his, his actions shows that he doesn't care a less. He didn't bother with Valentines Day and sent the same message to other women, he didn't bother about Christmas, he won't get anything for your birthday either (even though he said he would). You're not being stupid, you just love the guy. But he simply doesn't care. Even a broke guy who is truly in love would make a hundred times more effort than your boyfriend. Do you really want to be second best to him? Or do you think you can do better :).
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