A
female
age
51-59,
*aggie09
writes:My husband lies about porn, he hides them in the ceiling and an unfinished room wall.I've caught him several times and he lies to my face.Then just pretends everything is OK.To top it off he has every excuse not to have sexWe are 43 years old and our sex life consists of 3-4 times a year.Should I leave him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): Yes, leave him. This is very bad. If your having sex only 3-4 times a year as young as you both are, I would say he probably has an addiction. Life is too short. You deserve better. Men think about sex a lot more than most women and if he is hiding it from you and finds is so easy to lie to your face, he has a real problem. He is obviously getting his sexual needs met by masturbating to this porn. Since yu are only having sex 3-4 times a year, and you know he has porn, you just know he is jerking off to it. There is no man on earth that would be satisfied getting real sex only 4 times a year that doesn't masturbate behind your back. Get out now! Then tell everyone you both know why it is that you left him. Tell them in a way tha makes you look like a decent person. Try not to put him down too badly so they dont think you are just an evil Bitch. Remember, you want to make him look as bad as he really is, without making your sel look bad. Hold your head high and enjoy you new life that starts the day you kick him to the curb! My prayers are with you! From... a women that has been married 19 yrs, 5 kids, my husband always hid his porn too. Every time I found it, it was the same old story..."I'm sorry, I would do it again." Over and over again. I'm only staying with himfor our children and financial reasons. I even spoke with his mother about this. This is a woman that stayed with my husband's father after he cheated on her (actually had sex with another woman.) She said... "I'll be damned if I lose medical/denatl ins. and financial stability over this asshole!" Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): He is in control of his own behaviours, thoughts and choices in life. Even if one's marriage is one that is wrought with plenty of unspoken problems – problems that make intimacy difficult -that's still not an excuse to use porn. If he's resorting to porn and neglecting you, there is deep trouble here. The problem is not you, it's him and his weaknesses. When it comes to porn use, so many husbands attempt to play the blame shifting game. “If you had done this or that, I wouldn’t feel the need to use pornography.” The man never stops to consider that he is doing little more than drilling holes in his wife’s heart.
A life of moral good and love of family requires far more diligence and strength than does a life of indiscretion, which he has chosen. So is there hope for this marriage? Yes.. but first- the husband must "grasp the reality" that his actions are destructive to his wife and toward the marriage's intimacy, in general. You both need marriage counselling. And if his porn habit is destroying the intimacy in this marriage, as you have alluded to, then he needs help with that. You should set a deadline for him to show that he is willing to enter a serious program to help him kick the habit. There is help available.
If he refuses to get help-walk out and leave before he drags you down into the hell he's gotten himself into. And please find a support group you can get involved with. You will need to heal from this horrible experience and this man's uncaring behaviors which took this marriage down. . Good luck and god bless
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): It makes me sick that everyone acts like this is her fault, the same thing happen to me. I am 26 years old my husbadn is 34 and i have caught him hiding porn in the ceiling. and let me assure you i would have sex with him anytime he would want it, and until he started lieing to me about it i watche it with him.. It is not your fault forget the porn. He is lieing to you that is what matters if he is going to lie to you about something so weak minded as that what does that say about him? Change if you want to, don't do it because you feel like less of a woman because he has the brain wave of a 16 years old boy. Tell him and see if he does it again and if you can not deal with it don't waste anymore of your time with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Threaten to tell everyone about it........relatives, friends, adult children and do it if he doesn't quit. It may lead to divorce, but you will be better off without a lying scumbag.
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A
female
reader, bootyboot +, writes (9 March 2009):
Wow!!! the poor guy!ok lady, and mind you i am a woman, but i am telling you the truth here..men need to masturbate! Just because he masturbates does not mean he is cheating on you!!! it amazes me that women actually think this. every man masturbates, it's a need they need to fill, it's biological, it's nature, it has nothing to do with you or problems in the marriage. i would be more concerned if he never masturbated or looked at porn. he needs the visual! and now he has resorted to hiding his porn in the ceiling like an alcoholic. you have shamed this guy! he should leave you, because he needs to masturbate, let off some steam. otherwise he'll be tapping on your shoulder every 15 minutes, and is that really what you want?so let the guy do his thing, but if it bothers you that much, tell him why, tell him it's ok to masturbate, but not to neglect you either.so unless his porn habit is of the underage or gay variety, let the man do his deed and don't get so worked up over it. it's only natural.
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (9 March 2009):
To expand on martini's 3rd choice, if your husband views masturbation/pornography as his primary sexual outlet, and he perceives his options as (1) lose his partner and way of life, (2) do without his sexual outlet, or (3) fudge it by hiding/throwing out and getting more masturbation materials later, the path of least resistance will almost always be #3.
So, if you want to try to work it out, and you don't just want to accept it, I think you have to start not by throwing out the porn, but rather by finding a way to replace it with you, and then nudging it out.
I'm sure you've thought of this and have probably tried on some level.
But it may be that his sexual tastes are distasteful or threatening to you. He could be in to bondage, swinging, anal sex, whatever. Maybe he thinks he knows that you wouldn't ever be interested in what interests him, but it turns him on nonetheless, so he tries to keep both of you.
My sense is, the only way you are going to make this work is to find out what is really getting him off about the porn (which can never be as exciting as real life), and then decide whether it is something you can enjoy as well, and then bring yourself into his fantasies.
Some may argue this is asking too much of you. If he was writing worried about losing you, I'd give him different advice.
But since you are the one here, wondering what you can or should do, I'd say that if you think you want to stay with him, and you want him to not use pornography, I think the only way that probably happens is by you supplanting it yourself, which requires you to understand it, and understand him. Simply rejecting it clearly doesn't work in his case.
And if you don't want to do that, just chalk it up to sexual incompatibility and move on.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (9 March 2009):
 hes married more to his hand then it seems to you. the amount u mention of times a yr u have sexual relations is extrmly suspicious.... thats very rare to hear... especially a guy who is turning down sex? i mean i know guys love porn and its like water and food to them, but, no man would turn down a warm juiced vagina! its uncommon.
if hes sooo addicted to his porn, if it were me, and i speak for my own self hear mind u, i would leave. if he did well enough with his hands alll this time then he can keep with the "i do, for better or for worse til death do us part" with his beloved porn mags and whatever.i would not invest the rest of my life unhappily to a man who has no desire for me. what is the mesaning of love, and marriege, and the sancity of it if you are getting ur jolllies from pics of other woman rather then the one whos not only alive, but is committed etc? u can suggest to him marriage and sex counselling to him. if hes not interested at all in making a conscious effort to salvage the relationship, then u know where that leaves u. theres no price on happiness. a loving wife whos loyal and willing and tries to do everything in her power to love and honour her husband is irreplaceable, for 19.99$ he can replace the dogeared porn mags. your worth more then anything this world can offer. and a good man gone bad has no more use then the hammer in a toolbox. good while the job lasted, move to greener pastures if ur gut instinct says to do so after u have had a serious discussion with him and he has failed to follow thru or show any interest...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): Well, this has two obvious answers since it's apparent that he isn't going to change based on his attitude that we are perceiving on this limited basis. We can all tell you to talk with him, tell him your feelings, try to work this out, maybe try to be a little sexier, try to arouse him, yaddi yadda, but ultimately, it seems like he's a lost cause in your eyes. So, you can choose to...
1) Leave him.
2) Stay with him and accept it.
3) Ride him as he watches porn.
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