A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So about 6 months ago I met this attractive guy.. we met in a cute way as I got him lost accidentally by trying to help with directions, and he later gave me his number and name, which I hadn't asked for. I added him on Facebook and he messaged me, we were really getting on then I agreed to go out for a few drinks with him. He was lovely, he held my chair for me, I could tell he was trying his best but also quite nervous, he showed me his hands shaking and laughed. He was full of chivalry which i thought was nice, walked me home, etc. Kept telling me that I'm beautiful and full of compliments. The only thing that put me off was that he mentioned sex - I told him that I'm not that kinda girl and he would be waiting months for me (mainly to throw him off and get him to stop talking about it on a first date). He said he would wait however long it took, butbdid continue to talk about sex. I also found out that he smokes and has a 1 year old baby to his ex - both of which I'm not sure how I feel about, I've never dated anyone with a child before, and I don't like people smoking around me (Not that I mind people smoking in general lol). We continued talking for a few weeks and I eventually agreed to go for more drinks. I could tell when this guy was messaging that he was reallyyyy into me, he would send a sad emoji if I hadn't replied in a few hours - I told him off at one point because I didn't reply in a while and he went me a message saying 'you obviously mustn't like me that much' to which I replied 'I'm at work and you can't expect me to reply instantly, sometimes people need their own time but that doesn't mean I don't like you' and he replied, apologising. When we went for more drinks, I was a bit unsure. On one hand, he's very sweet, almost too sweet, but that's a nice alternative to what I'm used to. He kept calling me a princess and telling me lovely thingsabout myself. He also insisted on buying all of my drinks, in an expensive bar, though I'm pretty sure I earn more than him and now feel bad about. Again he mentioned sex, and he brought up my '3 month rule' for sex which I had told him about previously. He 'jokingly' slid his hand right The way up my leg very quickly, as a joke. I don't think he meant it in a creepy way, he just seems a little bit less mature than me, as though he hasn't been told from previous girlfriends on what is and isn't appropriate. He's the same age as me but I think he was very nervous and that caused him to act that way. Apart from that he was sweet, he went anywhere I wanted to go, made me feel like a princess, treat me lovely. The other thing is that he licked his teeth in this 'sexy' way to me which totally made me cringe. He messaged me loads after this, he was really really into me, kept calling me 'baby' and 'beautiful' and constantly wanting to see me. At this point I was worried he was a bit 'stalkery' and he was sooo intense. He would get a little upset when I would say I was too busy to meet him, and I eventually called it off.Anyhow, this all happened months ago, I do occasionally think about him, and last night he messaged me again. He said he totally understands my situation and that he just wants me to be happy, whether that's with him or someone else, and would love to meet for drinks, with little heart emojis. I know he is still massively into me (I'm not even sure why, he doesn't even know that much aboi5 me to be honest) and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to mess him about and hurt him, but maybe i'm being too picky, should I give him a chance? Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2019): I thought I might contribute my ta pence too. In brief this guy is desperate for sex. He is sex starved and he can not wait to start. Ask him when was it last time he slept with a woman.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2019): Hi sweetie. Without reading the other answers, I will tell you straight out. THIS BOY IS A PLAYER!! And he's putting every player move in the book on you!!! Because all he wants is SEX!! It's as clear as day. Do you want him to knock you up too and then leave you with a baby while he's off hunting for a new girl to have sex with??? Please take my advice. I've been there. You have no idea how much this guy will destroy you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 January 2019):
 My first thought was with the others then when I saw Youwish's post I agree with her too. The thing he did wrong was to mention sex when there was no talk about relationship status. He went ahead of himself, knowing that you won't give in until you feel secure in a relationship. That alone made me think that he was just in for the challenge, and the conquest. He was trying his best to make you surrender to your natural desire but he hasn't been successful. Having a child takes a lot of resource from a man. Not that having a child prevents him from being a good boyfriend, but together with the combination of a bad past relationship that would discourage a man from getting into a serious commitment.
I won't look at this situation as a red flag as if he's a dangerous individual. It's dangerous if he's a rapist. You can always say no and only meet in a safe public place where he can't do much more than touching. He's probably broke by now, but he insists on buying drinks because he knows that it lowers your inhibition. So you should stop drinking with him. It is very normal for a man to be horny and to try his luck. It is just bad timing on his part and he comes as a package deal. You would be limiting yourself and settling if you continue with this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): Every, and I mean EVERY, "pick up artist" book, blog and website tells men that in order to get into women's pants it is essential to keep talking about sex (to keep her thinking about it) and to touch her as often as possible because that physical touch creates the illusion of closeness. The only thing this guy hasn't done that he's probably been reading about is to act cocky and use push-pull techniques (compliment you then subtly knock your self-confidence down, then compliment you again). That's probably because he's an insecure, creepy clown and hasn't mastered any part yet except the "talk about sex and try to touch her" lesson.
Block him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 January 2019):
 Man, I hate being contrary, and while I completely agree with the thoughts of the other aunts who mentioned his having a one-year old kid being a point of concern when it comes to choosing a partner, I have to ask this question of the other aunts as well as the OP.
At what point in a relationship *is* the notion of introducing sex NOT a creepy or unnatural thing to do, because if I were with someone I was really into for six months, I would be wondering what was wrong with me if the guy I was into dated me for SIX MONTHS and wouldn't let me touch him as long as he didn't have a "no sex until marriage" belief system. As far as I'm hearing, the OP has no such belief that she is saving herself until marriage.
I for one think that the guy is NOT creepy. In fact, I think, OP, that you've been stringing him along. You know that you're incompatible with him, and that you have reservations with his child, his smoking, and your chemistry in general. However, you don't want to lose the ego boost of the attention he's showing you. However, you only want it on your terms, all affection, no physicality. At the ONE-month mark, that's understandable, as you don't know him. At the THREE month mark, the mark you suggested, it makes sense as well since you want the foundation of a permanent relationship to not be all about sex and booty calls.
But at SIX months, when people start telling each other they love them? If he's been there with you at six months, and you're swatting him away like a teenager on a first date, is this to be a sexless relationship?? Yeah, he's coming along strong, and his "Don't you like me?" text actually made me sad if it's been 6 months.
If you're unsure of HIM, now is the time to cut him loose and not have him waste his time anymore, because as many aunts and uncles on here who decry him as a "creep" would be wondering themselves what it would take to grow a relationship. Being physical IS part of things, not just the emotions and cuddling.
So in short, it's going to FEEL like he's coming on too strong if you're not really attracted to him in this way, and you're unsure of whether or not he's the one for you. He's pushing to "advance" the relationship, and at 6 months, it's actually normal to want to move the chain physically speaking!! But you can't have the attention and the affection and the paid-for drinks and the texts only to keep him at arm's length indefinitely.
So let him go. He's not for you, and he shouldn't get his hopes up that you're for him. It's time to be done. You've had the time you need to determine that you're not a fit together. Keeping him at bay and continuing to see him *IS* leading him on.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 January 2019):
 Absolute creep.
If people instantly bring up sex then it’s very obvious that’s all they’re after. Nervous people don’t run their hand up people’s legs, that’s totally inappropriate if you’ve not been giving him any kind of indication that you want that kind of touching.
Run a mile, it’s so cringey when people message multiple times when you’ve not replied, especially when they highlight the fact you haven’t replied. People are busy, get over it. I was speaking to a girl a few years back and things were progressing nicely and then she started doing that and it put me off instantly and I had to call it a day. How can people not just wait for a reply? It baffles me.
You have a gut instinct for a reason, don’t ignore it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): You have good instincts. Trust them. Everything you described are the moves of a player. "Too sweet" is a dead-giveaway; but you gave him the benefit of the doubt. I think that was fair, but with some guys you give them an inch, and they go a mile.
He called your bluff by touching your leg; that was a breach of your boundaries, and topped the list of moves of a player. He will overstep a boundary with the excuse he couldn't help himself; being so overcome with your beauty and attractiveness.
My advice, let him save his money for his child-support; and keep his hands to himself. You are dealing with a smooth-talker and womanizer.
I read between the lines and look for cues and clues when reading posts. I know when the advice we give might be ineffective. I can tell when a person is deeply conflicted, but they aren't seeking advice. They're hoping to receive permission. The okay to do something. Their inner-convictions and better judgement has already told them not to do it. All they need is one suggesting "it's okay," and they will dismiss everybody else. Follow the consensus.
I took these statements into account with my response:
"I met this attractive guy... we met in a cute way..."
Good-looks add to a player's arsenal of tricks. Attractive people tend to get away with more than less-attractive or average people. Associating an incident with fantasy or fate will also appeal to the girlish-craving for a fairy-tale romance. It's conditioned into us through movies and romance novels.
" He was full of chivalry which i thought was nice, walked me home, etc. Kept telling me that I'm beautiful and full of compliments."
Women love romance, and most have an affection-deficiency; if they just broke-up, or haven't received compliments from men to make them feel pretty. Nothing wrong with that, you deserve this. It's necessary for a healthy self-esteem; but too much is all it takes for a very lonely lady to drop her guard.
"He messaged me loads after this, he was really really into me, kept calling me 'baby' and 'beautiful'..."
Pet-names are just another tool of a player. He's coming in for the kill once he's got you answering to them.
And your last paragraph sums it up. He bombards you with text messages and emojis. That's everything many of the females who come to DC admit they like. A lot of messaging to reassure them how much he's into them. More so than his actions and the sincerity behind his efforts to let them know he's being real. It just feels good and appeals to their vanity.
You've already given the guy 6 months of your attention. You actually feel he's into you; because honestly, he has pursued you with a lot of fervor. He messed it all up, because he kept mentioning sex. That's the indication that he now sees you as a challenge; and you've given him the thrill of the pursuit. You're seeing through all this; but about to buy into it.
Don't!
If he earns less than you do, and he's prone to showing-off; he's not managing his money well. That means you'll encounter issues with his ex regarding child-support. There's nothing wrong with a romantic-guy full of chivalry. I appreciate and personally execute chivalrous acts; such as standing when a lady approaches, opening doors, giving-up my seat, opening her car door, etc.
You've caught the red-flags, now listen to your gut. Tell him if he is really sincere; don't pepper conversation with the mentioning of sex, grope, or cop feels. You like the compliments, but too many don't feel right. If all that puts a bad-taste in your mouth, then give it a pass.
You've already given him a chance. You're here because common-sense and a little voice inside you says this is too good to be true. He has had a lot of practice, and it usually pays off. So taking a pass will not damage his ego or hurt his feelings. He'll shrug it off! Chances are he has a slew contact info from women who bought it! He left you his calling card, remember? Like he knew you'd call him!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 January 2019):
 Why would you settle for someone you are not sure about?
IGNORE THOSE RED FLAGS AT YOUR PERIL! You have a gut instinct for good reason; it is to PROTECT you from danger.
In your shoes, I would just block him and not get into contact again. Flattering as it is to have someone adoring you the way he did, this is not natural or simple immaturity. There is something more going on here. If he is so full on at the beginning, imagine how he would be if you were to go out for a while and then you were to change your mind. He would probably know your address by then, where you work, your friends and family. Don't do it. That's MY advice.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (24 January 2019):
 The other aunts are right...don't ignore the red flags! I made this mistake at 19 and married a guy very similar to the one you are describing. He was very funny, charming and he really did make me laugh after just coming off of a breakup. It was a HUGE mistake. He turned out to be very childish, immature and really wasn't all that funny 24/7.
Honeypie cracked me up with the "Fart in a bottle" but oh so true..amusing for a brief period of time but you wouldn't want him around all the time.
Let him go and stop the "what if" thoughts
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 January 2019):
 What he is doing is called "love-bombing" - it's almost overwhelming with attention, compliments and honestly IMMATURE behavior.
It will fizzle out once you see MORE of his flaws and he sees yours.
Him being "massively into you" is not REALLY true because he knows VERY little about you. He knows that he has to "hold out" for 3 months and then he "gets" sex. (he hopes). So yes, he might hold out for 3 months JUST for the sex.
He acts like a little kid with "sad face emojis" when you can't meet up.
And OP it's NOT his PREVIOUS GF's JOB to teach him what's appropriate and what is not. For goodness sake! If he is your age, and acting like this it's because it has gotten him LAID in the past. And it's probably why he now is single. The ex-GF whom he has a baby with, didn't want 2 KIDS to raise.
There is a reason your "spider senses" tingled with this guy. He is... a "fart in a glass", a "bottle rocket" - both are something that might be "fun" for a second or two but it's NOT going to last. It's not sustainable for him to keep up this act. And yes, the holding out a chair, calling you princess, complimenting you silly IS AN ACT.
Wish him well, move on.
It's nice that he treated you well, but that doesn't mean you OWE him squat. EXCEPT "owe" him to let him go and then block his number.
We call these immature and manipulative behaviors RED FLAGS for a reason. THEY are something to AVOID.
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A
female
reader, AnnieV1979 +, writes (24 January 2019):
 Please DON'T ignore those or ANY red flags! He backs off and comes back months later? He's probably wondering if his waiting period is over and if it's time for sex now. Sorry to be so blunt but it seems that's all he's focused on. Oh, and instead of trying to get him to stop talking about sex on sex, flat-out tell him it's not appropriate. He Knows that though, he knows exactly what he's doing. Please DON'T make excuses for his behaviors.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): I think there are too many red flags.... it’s definitely a bad sign that he talks about sex so much AND he has a one-year old child. A one-year old needs a lot of attention and care...is he involved in his child’s life? If he were involved in his child’s life, how does he have so much time chasing after other women for sex? And if not...don’t you think that’s a bad sign? Especially in light of what you’re experiencing? He’s the kind of guy who is ok with knocking up a woman (chasing her for sex) but not ok with staying and being responsible about the consequences? It’s classic sweet talk you’re experiencing and you’re falling for it. Do you think you’re the only one he’s been like this with? He’s doing whatever it takes to get what he wants. A responsible and sincere man won’t keep mentioning sex because they want to put in the work for something long term. This guy is doing whatever it takes for the short term benefit (sex).I think, in short, this guy is doing the classic sweet talk and seeet moves, trying to get in your pants. It may be hard to see because he’s so sweet and nice. But take a step back and look at the situation. So all of this depends on what you want. Do you just want fun and something short term or something with just sex? Then have fun and see him again. Just be careful because another red flag is that he gets upset with you about things he shouldn’t get so upset about. There may be uneccessary drama. If you want something serious and long term, then please stop seeing him for the above reasons. But in either case, don’t feel bad for him. To him, paying and being sweet is just the price of admission. To him it’s worth it even if he doesn’t get what he wants (worth a try).
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