A
female
age
30-35,
*m9hi
writes:This is hard for me to write, its hard for me to come to terms with, but i think im near the end of my 20 month relationship.Since the day i meet him we became inseparable, he is my first serious boyfriend and its been a wonderful and life changing experience. Hes more than my boyfriend he truely is my best friend and i never thought in a million years i would ever be able to be myself around a boy. He knows more about me than i do hes just amazing. My family love him which makes him even more wonderful, hes so acceptant about everything and never judges me. He's the most caring and thoughtful person i have ever met and we truely have an amazing relationship... well we did. Before i meet him he has served sometime in prison for minor offences, im a law student at univertsity so its fair to say i abide by the law. He said to me the other day, he didnt mean it, it just slipped out, that he hated the way i was and wish i was more like him, because he says im a goody-two-shoes, it honestly felt like i had been kicked in the stomach. I'v worked so hard to get into uni and im doing really well and passing all my exams, im due to graudate next year, how dare he belittle me because im educated and want to do something with my life. He also slipped up the other day and says that when i go out with friends he always makes sure he knows someone where im going and tells them to spy on me because be doesn't trust me. I have never and would never cheat on him, he's my first love and i really do love him. I know he has lied to me in the past about taking drugs (this is the subject of many arguments between us as i have never and would never even think about taking anything, whereas he has serveral times), and when he said about getting his friends to spy on me i thought is that a guilty conscience talking?There has been countless arguements lately between us and i hate it, but i can stay angry at him because he just starts to cry and sweet talks me till were friends again, i wish i could put my foot down and tell him how im feeling and for the past couple of days iv been feeling very down. Should i end this relationship, and move on and find someone with more in common than me as we are total opposites or fight for this to work? I need a "outsiders" point of view on this as i feel i cant talk to my friends about this as they all like him as well. I am really torn and i know i would be lost without him and it would really take me a long time to get over him but if im am going to end this relationship, it should be sooner rather than later? Im almost out of energy and reallyfeel like giving in but i do love him. please give your honest opinions. thanks L xx
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best friend, drugs, in jail, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): Sounds that you love him so much, but along with your relationship, you realize that there's many differences between you, you know that's not a good thing, and deep in your heart you want to leave him, but not sure that his place would soon replaceable in your heart. You're afraid to be lonely, lack of caress...
In my opinion, he might be dangerous for you if you 2 have married and children. He might be abusive toward his family. As I know, people like that type are abusive and high of ego.
If he really loves you, he won't do that things that you mentioned before. He would believe you, as you believe him. And would try not to broke your heart by saying a negative word like that. In my experience, there's 2 reason a man wouldn't think twice before he talks: 1. He has to the point personality, or 2. He feels that you love him too much and he can do anything he wants without thinking about how would you feel, knows you would be his.
I know how you feel, its almost the same situation with me years ago. I love my ex bf so much. He's my fisrt love for 4 years. But he has bad personality and abusive towards me sometimes.
It takes a year to let him go. He never answer my calls, text, and ignoring me. He changed his phone number without informing me. I can't contact him. I feels extremely upset and thought that was it wrong I ask for a break? After several month we break up, there's a sweet and mature man who's now my bf. At fisrt we together, honestly I still can't forget my ex and sometimes I just can't control myself to keep contact with him. He always finds me and call me to know about me and said he regret that what he have done, could we be together again..
However, soon I realize that's the best choice I've ever made. To be together with someone that you know is not good for you is just wasting your precious time. Everything how hard it takes, would pass someday. I know that's sound cruel to you, but left him maybe is a good choice as he's not treating you well. Better you broke your heart now than you regret your whole life. Think of your children and your family later.
Best wishes for you. Hope its useful. Goodluck :)
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (28 February 2012):
 To be honest, the business about 'prison time' and 'drug taking' is nonsense - as you say, the prison business was because he defended a girl being attacked, and the 'drug-taking' is no more than millions of young men in particular might try and then not do again. So they are red herrings.
Apart from the underlying issue of him feeling less good than you, your real issue is what has happened over the past two months. And, as you say, that could be as much if not more you being stressed about your exams.
From what you say, I get the idea that you are the sort who worries/stresses. This is just you - it is why you do well in exams, etc, but also, it is something that can and will make your life harder at times. It sounds to me like he is a good antidote to this in some ways. Remember, you can't escape from yourself - you might think it is him, but I feel it is probably more you finding a reason/outlet for your own stress.
So if you do split up with him, remember it is because of things you need to accept (and at some point address) about yourself. That's what I honestly think, reading between the lines here.
Personally, in your situation, I would talk and talk to him about what's been happening over the last two months. Then, I would keep him. He sounds like a good thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): "Should i end this relationship, and move on and find someone with more in common than me "
yes, end it now. I agree with the anonymous poster that this guy will try to drag you down. the drugs and jail time are enough to say it's time to move on and start to experience the world with someone who builds you up and who doesn't try to suck all the energy out of you and hurt you. you're going to be a lawyer, you're going to live in an entirely different world than he will and he clearly has a chip on his shoulder about that.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 Hmm, maybe put it to him like this "Why would you want to change me?" Ask him for his reasoning before thinking too deeply into this. Maybe he's just really sarcastic and feels threatened by your personality.
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A
female
reader, lm9hi +, writes (27 February 2012):
lm9hi is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi, would just like to thank yous for taking your time to add your coments, they are much appreciated.
Ok, firstly his jail sentence. I met him through my wee cousin as they have been friends for many years, they were out one night sitting in a park and this man came over and hut my wee cousin (who is a girl) with a glass bottle, so my bf and his brother chased the man until they cought him and got into a fight, however they had chased him into an area that was covered by CCTV so what was cought was them two chasing the man and there was no proof of the man hitting my wee cousin, so my bf and his brother both served a short time in prison. So really i cant be angry at him as he was sticking up for my family.
Secondly, hes at college 3 days a week and the other 2 he works in a garage, which is what he learns at college, then at the weekends he works as a delivery driver for our local take-away shop, so at the moment he is earning more than me.
Natasia your correct, he does think he dusnt deserve me, he has told me this several times in the past, believes im to good for him and would rather be with someone eles, so your right this is where his insecurities come from with the trust issue, i have told him countless times im no better than him, just because im studying law dusnt mean i feel im better than anyone whos not got a degree we're all good at our own things. As for focusing him on something, i spoke to him once about opening up his own garage when hes older and he seemed really keen on the idea, so mibi i should bring this up again how say how proud of him i would be as this would be a massive accomplishment?
and as for the drugs issue, this was in the beginning of the relationship but as i am strongly against them its something that never leaves the back of my mind, he wasn't a frequent user but i know he did sometimes when he was out, he tells me he has stopped and would never do it as he knows i would end the relationship, he was also given up smoking for me. His family tell me he has changed so much since meeting me and is a much happier person.
We have always had out arguements what relationship dont, but id say about the past 2 month really is when i have noticed a great differece. Somedays were fine and its just like normal then other days hes like a totally different person, i cant land all the blame on him iv been sitting my exams and thats always a stressful time for me so i cant be the easiest person to deal with at times. I think its because of the type of person i am i over think everything, as part of my uni course i study behavioural pyschology so when i see a change in his behaviour my mind runs over time. Mibi i do need to chill abit, i mean i am still young, i have time to make mistakes now im not saying im going to marry this man i dont know what the future holds, saying that i still want to make the best of the time iv got the now. I really dont know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): Hi,
I am sorry to hear about that. I think you are too different from each other and the truth is you're achieving more than he is. He is now jealous hence the name-calling. I agree with those before me who said that differences in education level/social background can be very problematic. You need to find someone nicer who will not feel threatened by your success. Maybe someone from your school or at least who has done a degree. You should consider whether this relationship has a future. Should you keep something that causes you pain? The choice is yours. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 February 2012):
 I'd be careful if I were you, to not see your story too much through rosy-tinted lenses .
He spent some time in jail for minor offences. Uhm. They can't have been that minor , would have they been, he would have paid a fine, or done community service. And would have it been a first time offender, he would have had a suspended sentence right ? Also in consideration of his young age ? ( I suppose he is a young man ) . To actually land himself in jail, he can't just have stolen a magazine from a news stand.
Ok, ok- everybody make mistakes , and you can't keep throwing mistakes back at people's faces for the rest of their life. If he paid his debt with society, and changed his outlook and attitude... but did he ? He wishes you were more like him. Ah sure. An ex con with a drug habit, who would not want to be like him, much better than having a good education, a promising career , and drive and determination. These are things for goody-two-shoes.
And what about the drugs ? Is that a thing of the past , or still going on ? Has he totally and irrevocably given up drugs, or...? I find strange that someone that has no problem with taking drugs and sees it as no big deal , will totally abandon drugs just because his gf doesn't like them. What were you arguing about exactly ? Did you ask him to never take drugs again, and what did he say ?...
You want to do something with your life, good for you- you don't talk about HIS life. What does he want to do with it ? what are his plans for the future and do they incude you ? Would your future plans would be compatible ?...
As for being yourself around him, no you can't. When you do, he tells you he hates the way you are ! As for never judging you , he does judge you : a goody too shoes and an untrustworthy potential cheater that needs to be "tailed " when she goes out.
Add the countless arguments, and you'll see that your are glamourizing a very common " bad boy " infatuation.
You seem to come from very different places, and struggling to " make it work " together. Maybe ANY relationship can work if people are willing to put an inordinate amount of compromise and effort into it, but... should they ? Probably not.
Psychology research proved that " opposites attract " is a myth. In fact, it's true at the very beginning, because curiosity and novelty translate into chemistry, passion, excitement. But in the long run, what you need for a successful , lasting relationship is similarity and compatibility. Not in money or social background perhaps ( albeit that helps too ) but surely in moral values, life visions and objectives.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (26 February 2012):
I agree with natasia, could you give some more background information about him?
If he has been in prison and had/has issues with substance abuse, consider that this might cause him to distrust you, but not know how to deal with it. He obviously has turned to crime and drugs in the past as a sort of outlet for what he is lacking (friends, family, self esteem, etc.).
When did he start to act like this? Was it just recently? Because 20 months is along time for him to all of a sudden distrust you and show signs of uncertainty (and need to dominate as a male).
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A
female
reader, DAnverQueen27 +, writes (26 February 2012):
The sad fact is, the further a partner is from your own education level/ in come level/ and social standing, the less likely the relationship is to work. Men hate feeling inadequate, especially in relationships. You will continue to excel, and I fear that his worry will only serve to slowly and painfully erode the relationship. It will hurt now to end it, but you'll be saving yourself so much trouble in the long run.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (26 February 2012):
Hi there.
I understand this dilemma, as I too have been in a situation where I am with someone who seemingly comes from a very different end of the spectrum to me, but nevertheless adds something to my life which seems extraordinary, and as if it was missing. I think you also need to be careful as you say this is your first serious relationship, and as such you will also be very attached to him.
At your age, one tends to be actually more set in terms of opinion than as you grow older. What I mean is, there are some things that I was adamant about at 20, which now I view in a more flexible way.
What I am saying is: you need to take as balanced a view as you can. You need to look carefully at what you are arguing about. And you need to fully take into account how everybody, including your parents, really like him.
How much of a saint and saviour do you want to be? Here is how I see it:
- He is intimidated by your education, and by you being a lawyer. This is because of his background. He hasn't had the education, presumably hasn't got a degree, and has had brushes with the law. He feels like he is on the other side of the tracks.
- Because of the above, he feels like he has almost got someone who is better than him. He is therefore nervous about whether you really want him. And whether you will leave or betray him. (Don't question this - it is a male thing - we find it silly when we know we are loyal, but to them it is a very very big thing - a fundamental concern.)
And actually, he is right: you are thinking of leaving him because of his background. Aren't you?
I think you will always have the same differences - it is just a question of how you deal with them, and if you are indeed willing to deal with them. I suspect you would probably feel happier in the long run with another lawyer. But at the same time, he doesn't sound like too much of a bad boy, and he sounds like he has so much going for him. I would probably give him a chance, but that's me. And only you can judge who much good there is in the relationship, v. how much bad. I think he is right that you would also benefit from beginning to open up to different opinions and ways of seeing the world. But it is so much a question of time and maturity and experience. You will see him differently in twenty years time. He sounds like someone who could go a good way, with encouragement. What does he do? Have you thought of focusing on him and trying to help him get a better education/work at raising his status, and therefore self-esteem?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): "He said to me the other day, he didnt mean it, it just slipped out, he hated the way i was and wish i was more like him, because he says im a goody-two-shoes,"
He DID mean it and it DIDN'T just slip out, he wants you to subserviate yourself and allow him to drag you down.
"how dare he belittle me because im educated and want to do something with my life."
He's belitting you so you won't use your education or do something with your life, he wants you to subserviate yourself and allow him to drag you down.
". . . when i go out with friends he always makes sure he knows someone where im going and tells them to spy on me because be doesn't trust me."
Not he doesn't trust you, he wants control over you at all times
"I know he has lied to me in the past about taking drugs"
Which means he's likely still lying and taking drugs and lying about taking drugs and will continue to do so.
"when he said about getting his friends to spy on me i thought is that a guilty conscience talking?"
No, it was controlling behavior talking.
"There has been countless arguements lately between us and i hate it, but i can['t] stay angry at him because he just starts because he just starts to cry and sweet talks me till were friends again"
Meaning he knows he can get away with anything simply because all he has to do to weasel his way back into your affections is shamelessy and insincerely play to your emotions and vanity and you fall for it every time at the expense of your good judgment and common sense, values and morals, self-respect and self-esteem.
"i wish i could put my foot down and tell him how im feeling"
He has you right where he wants you.
"for the past couple of days iv been feeling very down."
He has you right where he wants you.
"Should i end this relationship, and move on and find someone with more in common than me . . ."
You should, but you probably won't and he's not going to let you, and he'cry and sweet-talk you and he'll take you back in no time"
"as we are total opposites . . ."
No, you're no total opposites, he's a controller, you're becoming his helpless doormat.
"or fight for this to work?"
It's never going to work, he's not going to change, he's going to take the fight right out of you.
"I am really torn and i know i would be lost without him and it would really take me a long time to get over him"
Exactly what he wants you to believe, you are no longer a functioning independent being, you are under his control
"but if im am going to end this relationship, it should be sooner rather than later?"
It should be sooner but will likely be later, if at all
"Im almost out of energy and really feel like giving in but i do love him. please give your honest opinions"
You don't love him, you love that he pays attention to you
and flatters you and sweet-talks you and cries in your arms, which he knows is all he needs to distract you from his jailbird past and lying and drug use and verbally belittling you and spying on you; yet you always fall for his self-serving lies, except when he reveals the brutal honest truth about his true nature (demeaning, ontrolling)
then you don't want to believe him (it slipped out, didn't mean it).
You seem to lack the intelligence or insight to understand the self-serving motives behind his button-pushing string-pulling tactics are entirely designed to keep you under his thumb, he knows flattery and puffery are enough to distract you every time he pulls the chain in tighter, as long as you play right into his hands by playing right into his hands without second thought or past consideration he'll keep you right where he wants you because it's so easy because you're so unaware and still think he's wonderful and life changing and more than your my boyfriend he truely is your best friend and you never thought in a million years you would ever be able to be myself around a boy and he knows more about you than you do hes just amazing and your family love him which makes him even more wonderful, hes so acceptant about everything and never judges me. He's the most caring and thoughtful person you have ever met and we truely have an amazing relationship,and you just don't get that's entirely what he wants you to believe and you just don't get it and probably won't until too late or not at all.
".. well we did.:"
Don't worry, things will be better after he cries or sweet talks you and he'll forgive you and take you back and give you one more chance.
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A
female
reader, amandang1208 +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Hi,
It sounds like to me you are really in love. It's very hard to find true love and when you do you will do almost anything to keep it. This guy, to me sounds jealous of your accomplishments. It sounds like he has low self-esteem. It also sounds like he has a major jealously problem. He sounds very insecure, another sign of low self-esteem. I would sit down and have a major talk with him. Tell him how much you love him, and how you think he has major potential and you know that he can do anything he sets his mind to. Some guys just need that extra boost of confidence. Let him know that he can trust you. If he can't after that, than I suggest you move on. Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. If you don't have trust, you don't have anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): I think it is really nice that you have spent 20 months with this guy and he seems to have a lot of great qualities. But you need to come to the realisation that you are both very different people. I think the fact he has judged you for trying to do something with your life (eg going to university) tells me he is a very jealous person. And you also mentioned he doesn't trust you when you go out? If I don't trust my partners within a month of being with them, I call it quits straight away. Unfortunately you need to realise he is the way he is and will never change. There are plenty more fish in the sea and you are still young enough to go searching. Good luck.
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