A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband recently accepted a job (without my opinion) that will keep him away for 30 days at a time versus coming home every 2 weeks as he did before. He works on a riverboat with men only and with this new job, I will only see him for a total of 4 months out of the year. Am I overreacting about him looking at nudie magazines and porn while he is away from home? I don't believe he would buy any of these to take with him but believe he will look at them if he has the advantage and the advantage is there because I have made several trips with him on the boat and have seen the books and movies on the boat. Not only is the lonlieness excelling on my end but my needs and desires of sex with my husband are not being met. I have expressed that I did not marry him for a long distance marriage and my concerns about the magazines and porn. He claims he does not look at either. I don't believe him but should I? After all, he is a man and I realize men like these things. I guess, overall, I fear that he will be devoting more of his time to looking at naked women while I sit at home and be the good wife. I wonder how he or any other man would feel if they were in the same situation that their partner devoted their time to another man while they are away. To me, this boils down to attention and I feel that women who pose nude in magazines only seek attention and they get it from the men. Well, to me, attention is what I crave physically and mentally and won't be getting it but feel I am entitled to it also when he is away. We have only been married a little over a year and he has told me he is not quitting or changing his job and he is only 45...meaning he will have this job for a while. He tells me to spend time with family, get a job or do whatever it takes to make me happy. Told him I didn't marry him to visit family all the time but want him at home with me. A job would help me interact with other people but won't replace the emptiness I now feel at home. Please help me to see if this marriage is worth staying in. I do love him very much but am not taking our new situation very good at all.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): First off, you said you found porn before on the boat. Chances are with a bunch of other guys there, its one of theirs. And you said women who pose nude seek attention, and you want attention from your husband. I know this might sound crazy, but what do you think of taking nude pictures for him? That way he can take those with him and if he masterbates he will be thinking about you and only you. You two can still keep in touch and maybe e-mail or go on webcam or something. I really dont know what kind of computers you have or what would be accesible on the boat. You dont need him to be there physically to give you attention and to stimulate each other. Try to call him one night when he is alone and have phone sex. This way you two can both be intimate and be together for a bit. You two can make this work. As hard as it is for you, just imagine how hard it is for him too. I am sure he would much rather be home with you, but he needs to support you and he has to do his job. He is still dedicated to only you and you need to see that. Just try to do something different and dont be afraid to have some fun and let loose. If you are comfortable with phone sex or sending him nude pics, at least talk to him first and tell him you want to give him a little something to think about you while he is away.
A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I agree w/ two cents in that the real issue you seem to have is the amount of time that your husband is going to be away. That is a hell of a long time to be seperate from one another in a marriage...8 out of 12 months.
From a guys perspective, yeah, he'll look at the porn. From your perspective, I would rather have him looking at porn than actually being with someone else.
That then leaves the question of how much do you love your husband and are you willing to make this sacrifice on behalf of your love for him?
Answer these questions to yourself. Does your husband like his job? Could your husband find another job that pays as much money that provides the same job satisfaction? Does he have a pension building with the company? If your husband were to leave this job, would it make him an angry and bitter person? Would he ever get over it?
Right now, you only get 4 months out of the year with him. What would your life be like if he was forced to leave this job and was with you 12 months out of the year?
In my opinion if he was able to get another job that paid as much. If he didn't have a lot of time built into a retirement pension, and if the other job provided enough satisifaction that he was content, then I would push for him getting another job.
I personally feel it is asking too much of another person to be seperate for 8 out of 12 months for the next 10-15 years (or however long.)
Now, if I loved my husband to death and he really loved this job and was unlikely to find another that made him this happy, or he really couldn't find work that brought in as much money, then I would try to accept this reality for him. Because I love him.
Now ask yourself this. What would your life be like without your husband? If you were to leave him because of this, then what would you do? How would it make you feel? Is 4 months better than no months at all?
If your love for your husband is strong and you can not make him get another job, then your only option is to learn to deal with it. You will want to make the most of your 4 months being together and not have this precious time filled w/ negative vibes. Which means you have to accept your reality and actively make the best of it.
The biggest thing you will want to do is find something to divert your mind so that you don't sit around all the time. You'll end up feeling depressed and that's the last thing you want to have happen.
There a lot of things that you can do. You can join a non-profit organization. Learn a hobby. See your family more. Get a job. Only you know what you would enjoy, just keep your mind open to different things because there may be something you never thought you would like and you end up liking it.
As far as companionship. There's nothing that can fully replace human contact provided from your husband (at least if you're faithful which I know you are) and it is one of the biggest sacrifices on both ends. Pets are great for general companionship if you don't already have one. For general companionship, you can become a big sister to some youth who needs it. Ask at the local schools, they usually have programs that you can volunteer your time to mentor or just be buddies w/ a child who needs the attention. There are friends and family you can spend more time with.
Now I'm going out on a limb here, but I am wondering if your husband financially supports you and if the fear of losing this support would make you accept this new condition in the marriage?
If this is the case, then here is where getting a job, going back to school (things you could do even if this wasn't the case)would help you become stronger in order to demand more in your relationship or to leave the relationship if you find it unbearable?
And, that actually presents another option for you to consider. What if you got a job. Would this make it easier for your husband to get other work and not worry about making the same amount of money as you have coming in now?
I'm sure you'll find the right answers to the questions I asked. Just have faith in yourself.
I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Confuzzled012 +, writes (7 October 2009):
 If you don't like the magazines, then you don't like them and no one can calm you into it. I don't look at them, i hate them. I hate porn as well so don't think it's impossible for a man to disreguard these things. And this is coming from a person who is away from his wife for months and months at a time.. 14 at the longest sometimes. And yes, surrounded by other men. My wife sends me pictures of herself which does the job. Try sending pictures with him or putting them on his computer before he leaves. You can even make a video with him if you'd like.
And tell me, you love him and you miss him and that's why you may not want to be with him anymore? If you miss him now, then how badly do you suppose you'll miss him if you leave him? The logic doesn't quite add up there.
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A
male
reader, tomtom1 +, writes (7 October 2009):
Porn should really be the least of your concerns.
Soldiers go on 18 month deployments. Yes it ruins marriages but the majority of spouses stay faithful waiting for their love one to return. 4 weeks seems like nothing now I hope.
Work on your marriage before seeing if its worth staying in. Marriage is for the long haul, you better have done every inch of groundwork possible before thinking of leaving.
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A
female
reader, littlenicky  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Hi there,Firstly, i think you have less to worry about with him working with all men as it could be with women. I believe you married each other because you love and trust each other and if you really do trust him i think you should try not to worry so much, yes he will be away for along time and that will be very hard for you to live with, as for magazines, at least if hes looking at magazines then going back to you, your safe. i believe if you give a little youll get back alot so try and not worry about the magazines thats natural for men especially if there on there own with a group of guys. However if you'd rather he look at yourself, i suggest you take a little riskay photo of yourself, this means he wont beable to keep his eyes off your photo and he'll love that for the times hes away. As for your sexual needs, absence makes the heart grow fonder and sex could be at an ultimate high as you will probably be spending all the time hes back in the bedroom. i hope i have helped you solve your problem, try and trust your partner and his words. it will be very hard but worth it in the end.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Smut mags and movies will always be wherever there's a group of men without real female company around. Yes, they are tacky as hell, but men will be boys, and a lot of them get their cheap thrills by leering at photo's of women who probably wouldn't give them the time of day in real life,(unless they could pay for that time).
The problem is that he didn't consult with you about how you felt about him being away for so long so often. Maybe you should ask him how he would feel about you having a boyfriend to fill the gaps, just someone to go out with and keep you company.
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Your issue is not whether he will look at nudie magazines while away from you. Your real issue is whether or not you want to stay in a marriage where you barely ever get to see your husband, and your husband is not willing to give up the job that takes him away from you for so long. As far as the nudie magazines, yes he will probably end up looking at them, surrounded by other men and away from you for weeks at a time. And yes, I do believe you are overreacting to the nudie magazines, they are just magazines for goodness sake. Did you know in some places in Europe they sell nudie magazines at every streetcorner kiosk? Did you know most of the world is a lot more liberated about nudity than most Americans? So I think you need to really calm down about the magazines. However, I do see the constant distance as a major stumbling block to overcome in your marriage. It will take a lot of dedication and creativity to stay close while you are away from each other. Is it fair for him to not give up this job? Only you know this, only you know your circumstances well enough. But if you love each other, you can make this work. Good luck to the both of you!
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