A
female
age
36-40,
*enkenite
writes:I am a 22 year old who still lives at home with her parents. I met this great guy through a woman that I know (he works for her). He is 34 and that is no issue to me, but when my parents found out, they had a heart attack. They freaked out on me about the age difference and made unfair judgements on this guy. I have been seeing him for a little over 3 weeks and he has been nothing but respectful and nice. We get along very easily and enjoy each other's company. My mother after freaking out on me, went to where he works and caused quite the scene, yelling at the woman who introduced us and telling him that she would have him arrested if he ever came near me again. I was mortified. I like this guy, and while I am not "in love" with him, I am an adult and feel that the decision to see him is mine. My parents are "forbidding" me to see him. My father (who does a lot of coaching and community work) knows a lot of people and told me that if I continue to see him, it will get back to him and I will "pay the consequences". The issue is that I still live with them and have to deal with them. I am an adult and feel that even if I do live under their roof, I can see whoever I wish, even if my parents really disapprove. They have never met him, except my mother to threaten him. I feel that I need to make a stand as an adult and continue to see this guy. But I don't know if it is a battle worth fighting since I still live with them. Is this a battle that's worth the rift it will cause. I can't see myself marrying this guy, and I don't want to turn him into a statement that I feel I need to make. Also, if I do continue to see him, I'm going to be paranoid about my parents finding out, because I feel I need to keep a secret (I mean they really FREAKED...which I can't figure out why there was such a big reaction either). Please help!!
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female
reader, Zenkenite +, writes (7 July 2007):
Zenkenite is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I've decided to keep seeing this guy despite the crazy parents. It's defintely my decision. Anyway, I could decide in a few weeks that this isn't going to work out, or maybe my parents are right and he is no good for me, but it's important for me to find that out on my own, instead of always wondering what would have happened and feeling badly for not standing up for myself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007):
If I had my time again I would have dated a slighly older guy - as he has matured slightly and can perhaps treat you with a little more respect and understanding than someone a lot younger. Perhaps you feel more mature for your age and your parents sound very controlling. Good advice from the other post - plan to move out from your parents. It is not healthy for either party to still carry on in the 'parent v child' relationship. To see you as an equal adult you should live as one. I hope your relationship is allowed to develop if that is what you wish - you do not need to continue with it to 'make the point' to your parents but you need to feel a lot more free to make your own decisions and your own way in life. If you can in the meantime stay with a friend who is able to provide impartial advice an unconditional support please try this until you have a place of your own. Good luck.
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female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (6 July 2007):
Hi there,
Your parents have not grasped the fact that you are a grown-up have they? They still want to believe that you are their little girl. Maybe they are quiet traditional in their views? Sure they worry about you, they can’t help it. They have dreamed of a nice boy, just a few years older than you, and this possible relationship has come as a very big shock. They see this man as an awful threat to their precious girl, and they are prepared to go to any lengths to see off that threat. TO their horror, you didn’t back down straight away, so they have upped the stakes a lot further. They are panicking, and not thinking rationally. Well if you were 15 or 16, I would sympathise with them. But you are not a teenager, and they have not the slightest right to try to control you like this. As you know quite well, your mum cannot have this man arrested. What for exactly? All they have achieved is to cause you maximum embarassment. They didn’t think about your feelings, or your position at work, in their headlong rush to put a stop to things. No wonder you were mortified. I’m cringing with you. I could rant on like this for hours, but that isn’t helping you. This is straight talk time. You have to sit them down and remind them that you are a grown up. While you live with them, they have the right to set house rules of course. But this isn’t about house rules. They may not agree with everything that you do, but they cannot threaten you like this, just to get their own way. You must try to keep calm, despite the provocation, and you must not back down. They have to know that continuing to over-react and treating like you are a child will eventually result in driving you away. But I think that the time to leave has well and truly arrived anyway. Don’t leave for this man, leave to have your own life, and be treated as the grown-up woman that you are. Don’t storm out in a blaze of glory if the discussion goes badly, because I am sure that you want to remain close to them. Just start thinking about how and when you want to go. I suspect that your fledgling relationship may not survive this crisis anyway, but that’s not the end of the world, like you say. You could let this one go to keep them happy if it’s not a big deal. But you really can’t stay for many more years under this kind of control-freakery.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (6 July 2007):
 At the end of the day you are a 22 year old adult, not a 16 year old teenager. I think your parents should realise the fact that you are grown up and old enough to date who ever you wish.
I know your parents love you and want the best for you, but if they keep on like this they will risk pushing you away. If you like this guy then i would keep on seeing him.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Veasse +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Hi there,
I am so sorry to hear your parents arent supportive of you, I would worry if you were 15 but you are 22 and in my opinion an adult!
If i were in your shoes i would ask my parents to sit down and have a reasonable adult conversation about it, Ask why they have such a difficult time with it and what would reassure them. Explain that this isnt serious and you are getting to know each other as friends and as an adult you feel you are a good judge of character and want to be able to befriend whom ever you choose.
This is a difficult situation however it seems your parents dont want to lose you and still see you as thier baby.
They seem to want to control you and you have to stop them from this as it is not healthy for you. As you say you have to make your own decisions and you are right!
Could you perhaps ask a friend can you stay with them fo a while and find your own place?
Dont give up the friendship with this guy, if your parents cant give you a valid reason you should stay away then you have to do whats ight for you.
take care and let us know how you get on!
hugs
Veasse x
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A
female
reader, laseeker +, writes (6 July 2007):
Hi, I also am in a relationship with a man much younger then myself and his parents sort of freaked out plus they don't like me. Plus they said "no" to my attending a relatives wedding held at a vacation spot here recently. He says he loves me constantly and he desires to marry me yet there are some problems in our relationship. I thought I was in love or in the beginning I loved him allot and thought my love would only grow, however, we've had so many arguments in which I've gotten my feelings hurt that I recently quit saying I love him after he often says "I love you". Now I've more doubts then ever before whether this relationship will work out good and especially not sure at all if I want to marry him.
My advice to you would be and especially before this guy loses his job, especially over a younger woman who isn't in love with him, let him go so he can find a woman who really loves him.
Never stay with a man whom you know for certain you don't want to marry. Young miss; with all due respect, what would be the point? Plus why stress your poor mom and dad over what appears to be only a for fun/companionship type relationship and not a man you desire to get seriously involved with.
Also it would be different if you really loved him. Then I'd say it isn't your parents business, date him awhile, go live with him if necessary to be with him and after a time even marry him if it feels right (both of you love each other and get along great).
but since this isn't the case then:
To conclude young woman friend don't stress your parents and don't waste your time on a man you don't think you can ever love.
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A
female
reader, witch-fire +, writes (6 July 2007):
 You're right it is your decision to make. You're well over the age where your parents can legally make decisions for you. I'd say continue to see him and if your parents can't deal with it move out if you can afford your own place.
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