A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a fairly new relationship with a woman I adore. Our courtship lasted a bit long but we didn't want to get into a relationship just after a few weeks of admitting we liked each other. After a little over a year, we became happily official.There was always something that has been on my mind about her, though, is that she loves to train to fight. She recently got back into training and says she does it more for exercise, that she doesn't want to do this professionally. I've always been fine by that aspect. What has concerned me and feel insecure is how aggressive she talks when she talks about her training and her sparring with others. I am completely not like that. I'm a very gentle guy and love to watch the arts more than watching professional fighting.Something about her past, though, is that she learned how to fight to defend herself from her abusive long term boyfriend at that time. Since then, she has loved to fight more, according to her.I've been trying to analyze my fears and insecurities and don't want them to hinder this relationship because I feel this relationship has a good potential to being something more...but this over aggressiveness makes me uneasy. I would love to hear any insight and comments on why I may feel this way and how to deal with it.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 January 2014):
 Yep I'm not overly impressed with MMA. I've never used those words to describe a person I trained with. I studied collegiate wrestling, which leaves me far behind many of you. In my opinion, as unstudied as it is, MMA focuses too much on grappling to make it a good self defense method. But that is not the point here. If she is training in the presence of these words constantly, they are going to start coming out of her mouth. She will see them as normal. hopefully she doesn't see the emotions usually associated with those words as normal. As I mentioned earlier I'm worried that she isn't getting the right ethics along with her training. In a competitive sport like MMA or even Wrestling, it is easy to focus too much on winning.
FA
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2014):
 So her usage of swear words has gone up recently and that makes you pause?
Maybe she is more comfortable being herself around you? Or maybe part of it is that something has changed? Maybe she feels more connected to you and is testing her limits?
If this is "new" or recent behavior, I would just ask her about it with out making it sound like she is doing something wrong.
Growing up I wasn't allowed to cuss. And that has really stuck with me. I do use words like DANG, Heck, and so forth but I don't cuss in my native language EVER, and mainly with "substitute" words in English. I do know when I am mad ( it happens rarely but with 3 kids it can happen) I have to watch my mouth because I WANT to cuss, it's like letting out steam I guess.
Talk to her.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 January 2014):
 Ahh geeze, OP. That's different than the title here. In your case, I totally understand. If she's MMA training and now talking like this, I'm guessing it's rubbing off from the company she's keeping, similar to the military's colorful language rubbing off on the soldiers. I never trained for MMA, and my instructor hardly spoke English. I had my training translated by my instructor's Korean assistant. If he swore at me, heh, I had no idea. :D
Just talk to her about it. Tell her that the language makes you cringe, and that while you are interested in what she does and that you love to hear about it, the profanity-laced stuff is off-putting to you.
She's hanging out with and most likely looks up to someone who talks like that. She's most likely using that language while she's in that crowd in order to fit in, and is having a hard time switching jargon to be around you. I wonder who - SPECIFICALLY - she's most influenced by. You have a right to insist on preferring a less-offensive means of communication.
I'm with you! I don't like that kind of language either. In my home, we actually refrain from excess swearing. A couple occasionally slipping out is one thing, but every other word - bleh.
Just talk to her. It'll be okay, and she should respect your feelings on it. If she threatens to put a foot in your lip, then she's not for you. However, I think she'll temper the language for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses I have received. I actually didn't think 11 people would respond. I guess it's an interesting subject matter.What I do want to clarify about myself is that I'm not completely ignorant to the world of martial arts. I have studied 3 different arts for about 8-9 years but stopped about 9 years ago because I couldn't risk injury because of my career in the arts. During that time, no one would talk like the way she would. It was frowned upon. I have even dated people in those martial arts before. None talked as aggressively. To Cerberus, I have read the Tao of Jeet Kune Do, A Book of Five Rings and a few others.My girlfriend trains in MMA. She has said how she doesn't like to be around men who are heavily into MMA because of how aggressive they talk about everything outside of training. It just throws me off recently that her conversations would be from, "I got kicked in the stomach and it got me mad but I changed my strategy and was able to put her into submission" into "f**** b**ch socked me in the face. I f***n dropped her a$$ down and made sure she f****n wouldn't get up. I can't f***n stand that sh*t."I am not uncomfortable at all that she is a confident woman. That's one big reason why I love her so much because of how she has overcome the bad in her life before meeting me. My family and friends know how she overcame her hardships and they love her. Like I said, she just started changing her speech recently. It threw me off. I don't even talk like that nor do my friends. She also has said that she loves how I'm not one to be saying bad words.I came here more to find ways to not let her more aggressive tone of talking about her training affect my mood for when she talks about it again. This is still a pretty new relationship and it's all been going so well...I just got thrown off a bit. It's all a part of learning of one another.
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female
reader, catcher00 +, writes (22 January 2014):
It seems as if this is a hobby of hers. I dated a guy who loved to hunt. I lost a lot of sleep over the moral decision to stay with a guy who shot living creatures "for fun," given this was such a drastic departure from my own moral compass. In the end I decided that when you join in a relatinship with someone, it is not a fusion of people, where the two become one, thereby abandoning all personally defining characteristics, but rather a partnership where each maintains their individuality and respects the other. She is her own entity. You don't have to have the exact same beliefs or interests. You just have to accept each other for who they are. Does she have a problem with your gentle ways? My guess is she accepts you for who you are. If you feel as though her ability to defend herself undermines your masculinity, then perhaps you should re-evaluate your perception of gender roles. If you are gentle, you should not have a natural compulsion to control, or at least have the ability to control, your female partner. So her ability, should she ever need it, to defend herself against you should not be a hindrance. Until she uses unwarranted force agaist you, I think you should overlook this difference between the two of you. Good luck!
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (22 January 2014):
I boxed competitively for four years. Think about taking it up. Trust me, after a year of intense boxing training, you will have very few insecurities left in you....
Caveat - when I say boxing, I mean boxing. Not boxercise, not jumping rope and shadow boxing once a month. I mean training with a trainer, for a real fight. World of difference.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2014): My youngest sister started martial arts training at eight, and has practiced ever since. Kick boxing and karate has been her favorite sport and source of exercise, since I could remember. She continued through her service in the army.
It doesn't make her any less feminine or aggressive as a person. Just confident. She was bullied a few times growing up, especially in high school. She never used her skills, she talked her way out of trouble. She could have broken bones very easily.
The confidence and sportsmanship is what you are interpreting as aggressiveness.
Women into sports are just as passionate about the challenge and competition; if you are viewing any of the athletes heading to Sochi for the Olympics.
Your girlfriend gets pumped with adrenalin and excitement. She feels her power and appreciates her skill. You're just not used to seeing this coming from females. That's what may make it unsettling for you.
I've watched my sister sachet around in her heels, and form-fitting outfits, and watched her kick-ass at tournaments. It's the same woman. I'm sure she can bring down a lot of men twice her size and physical strength;
but that is a stereotypical attitude placed on her only because she is a woman. She is married, and a mother of two.
Like my brother-in-law, you'll have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. You don't have to feel she will think any less of you as a man. You shouldn't think any less of her as a woman; because she likes the sport of fighting. It's a new discovery she has made of herself.
It gives a sense of power as a female. She no longer feels weakened and intimidated as she may have felt as a victim in an abusive relationship. Those feelings are not being translated into her relationship with you, they began before she met you.
If you can't beat em, you join em. You should take a few kick-boxing lessons yourself. It will build a stronger core and will up your confidence. Then you won't feel so whimpy around your girlfriend. That's what this all comes down to.
Isn't it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2014): I'm a martial artist, have been for years and have even been regional MMA champion. I've trained in Kung Fu, Thai boxing, Kick boxing, Eskrima, Combat Karate, Shotokan just to name a few.
OP for someone into the arts you seem to have a very myopic and limited scope for analysis into this subject and frankly you're taking it at face value without any deeper insight. It's called a martial art for a reason because it is an art form. It's as much an art form as ballet, sculpting, dance, and even painting. It's a strategy based art with as much depth as Go.
OP the language you speak of is the mentality/psychology of competition, it's not aggression just because it's a contact sport. It's no different than the language of playing chess or of playing tennis, the only difference is she's talking about a physical battle between two humans.
For some reason you seem to be under the impression that fighting is violent. It's not always. Yes you are throwing punches and kicks to defeat your opponent but there is no malice, no ill intent just the will to win against yourself more than your opponent. It's a challenge of the mind, body and spirit in its purist form.
It's not aggression, it's competition, learn to tell the difference. I might talk about pounding a guys head into the mat with my elbows but that's part of a mutual contest between two willing people.
OP insecurity and fear comes from the unknown, educate yourself about martial arts. Educate yourself on all aspects of it. Learn about the deep strategy of a martial art; things like reach, cadence, timing, balance, south paw, orthodox, fighting style, counters, different types of strike, ground fighting technique, mental discipline, endurance, form and technique, strength training, endurance training, hand eye co-ordination, tactical awareness, observation, calmness of mind. read about the health benefits, the psychological benefits, the spiritual benefits and understand that your fears are irrational.
OP you better ensure that your fear is not having a strong, confident partner. You better make sure that the threat you feel is not one of this woman feeling independent and self-assured. Because that's the best state of mind for anyone, especially a woman who has suffered abuse.
OP stop looking at this as fighting and start looking at it as the art form it is. Martial arts are like climbing a mountain, they're extremely challenging and extremely rewarding. There is literally no better way to build up confidence in yourself than martial arts, there is no better way to feel secure in yourself, get fit and maintain a healthy mind than martial arts.
Time to get studying, a good start would be to read some of Bruce Lee's stuff on Jeet Kune Do.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (22 January 2014):
You know what? I actually understand your insecurity. Gentle or not, you're a man, and seemingly your woman is "tougher" than you. This IS an unusual sort of gender role reversal, and maybe it subconsciously makes you feel a little inadequate or like less of a man.You are really going to need to step outside the box to come to terms with this. She's doing something she loves, and sharing her excitement with you. If you find yourself unable to enthusiastically be happy for her, perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you. Hey, just think, if anyone ever tries to mug you guys, you get to say "yeah, that's right, my baby kicked his ASS!!!" :-)Best of luck, she sounds awesome!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2014):
FA, if you re-read what I wrote I said :
"most men NEVER have to endure".
Not EVERY man. I'm well aware that there are abusive women out there and abused men. One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. 85% of domestic violence victims are women.
Also OP might confuse her talking ASSERTIVE about her training and sparring with others. It's an outlet for her in a way he might not quite get, because he hasn't been in her shoes.
I have done Yoga (still do), kickboxing, jiu jitsu to name a few, and the mentality for all 3 are different in some aspects and alike in others. Yoga is VERY quiet - VERY focused, kickboxing is high endorphin rush and most loud (grunt, yelling, bravado), jiu jitsu, more of a mix between the two. ALL 3 require great and about body & mind control.
He might also find it emasculating without realizing it.
My husband was an Infantry man for 26 years. I have watched him and other soldiers train, spar and talk smack. Never bothered me. So no, I wouldn't find it "disturbing" if the roles were reversed.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (22 January 2014):
It’s a good thing you are not like her, because if you were, most likely you would not be together. Two of the same personalities cannot live together in most cases. They would fight and argue. In most relationships…opposite attracts. She is strong willed, and you are not…Good. Why? Because you calmer nature helps her to relax.
Your insecurities come from hurt pride. The man is supposed to be the aggressive one. Strong willed like her, all RRRRR!!! You should be the one coming to her rescue if she needs help, not her saving herself, and probably you too. That hurts your male pride. However, pride has no place in a relationship. Let her be the woman she wants to be, and you the man that supports her. Enjoy her training aggressiveness, and use it to better your relationship, not hinder it.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 January 2014):
I can't help but think that the responses would have been much different if a gentle non-violent woman had expressed uneasiness at her mans martial arts training.
I personally know a martial arts instructor so I understand that martial arts can be taught without inappropriate aggression. Aggression is the area of concern here, not strength or confidence. I perfectly agree that strength and confidence are attractive. I also agree that she was in a bad place and learning to defend herself was appropriate. I strongly disagree that men are never abused.
O K lets get to the OP's question. Over aggressiveness makes him uneasy, and he has fears and insecurities. I'll start with Honeys advice that you look too your personal history with her. Is it true that she has never been aggressive with you? She has never struck you? That she includes you in decisions? That she never patronizes you? If this is true then you have evidence that she does control her aggression. If this is not true then we need to change the tone of this advice. For now we will assume that it is true. Some people can take comfort in a strong partner. Men and women can feel secure and safe when they know their partner has the ability to stand up to danger from without. That is part of what you need. You do not so much feel the desire to have a strong partner, so you need to develop your strength to match hers so you are on even footing. You do not need to develop in the same way but in a way that makes sense to you.
Advice for her: OP's partner, your boyfriend is concerned that your love of fighting and your increased aggression are being fed by your training. I think that you should continue to grow, learn, and exercise, but I feel that there may not be proper ethics being mixed in with your training. It may be time to seek a new trainer / dojo / form. Beware lest you become what you feared. Aggression and the love of violence are not the path to happiness.
FA
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 January 2014):
From personal experience, I can tell you that training is about so much more than fighting and sparring. It builds stamina, mental and emotional discipline, strength of intellect and body, and a strong sense of focus. When you're training, all of the brain's "background noise" stops, allowing for a really great sense of clarity and soundness. I've never taken yoga, but I'm sure people who do it feel similar.
I feel that feeling during workouts and I did while in TKD in my younger years and renewed it in college. My son's grades raised after he started his own training he chose a different martial art but the benefits were still there. My husband has never had any training and found it really hot that I did. No, I've never had the urge to hit him. He did ask me to flip him once and then made me promise never to do it again. heh.
You could train WITH her! Talk about bonding like crazy, and it's awesome! You can be gentle and learn fighting at the same time. Learning to fight is an art form, noble and beautiful in its forms and technique. But don't worry about her unless she's smacking you around now. Otherwise, a self-assured woman is not cause for insecurity.
There is a possibility though that she is sending a message to her former abusive ex using you that she will never be trifled with again. You may be feeling that anger through her in an oblique way, but even though you might be the one who is with her now, it's really him she has that anger toward.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2014):
She has empowered herself and that BOTHERS YOU? Really?
Outside of her training is she aggressive with you? Does she patronize you? Talk smack to you?
She went through something most men NEVER have to endure. An abusive partner, an abusive relationship. Instead of fearing life, fearing men, fearing her shadow, she found that using fighting/training to BUILD herself up has made her less afraid and more self confident.
She isn't doing this so she one day can kick your ass. Or go out and fight in bars or join a "fight club". She is doing this for HER. To make herself FEEL safer, stronger and more sane.
If you can't support THAT then I think you need to bow out now.
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (22 January 2014):
 She might well talk so aggressively about how she fights due to the fact she had to defend herself against her boyfriend.
Fighting for her might bring back memories and remind her of what she went through and of course that may trigger a lot of hatred in her.
That of course is perfectly normal, and i'd actually be more comfortable if my partner knew how to defend themself if anything bad ever happened.
Of course due to your loving and gentle nature you might find this all a bit too much, I understand this as when there is ever a fight near by unlike a lot of people I can't stand to simply watch and laugh like many others.
It might be a bit of a shock to you as you may know your girlfriend as kind and loving and then when she fights she turns into this killing machine that might be very un-common for you to see.
However everyone has different sides to themselves and if you love her the way she is then maybe just let her carry on and try and accept that she likes to train to fight and of course aggressiveness is a big part of fighting.
Don't let this new aggression she has take over your relationship and make you think differently of her, because like with all kinds of things, you have to be in a different mood set.
When you are fighting you have to be aggressive, when you are painting you have to be creative, its the same thing
really.
Maybe to open your mind a little you could teach her something you like to do, and she could show you the basics of how to fight so you understand how it feels, of course if this isn't for you but then don't worry about it :)
I think supporting her in what she likes to do is a good idea and accepting she has a lot of aggression when she fights is also a good way to accept her the way she is.
Good Luck x
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male
reader, xzibit33  +, writes (22 January 2014):
 As serious as this is I couldn't help laughing. Just look beyond sentiments and see it's a good thing. If she loves you, she wouldn't try to ride on you (except on the bed of course).
However, if you still feel insecure the you should join a martial arts class too.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 January 2014):
 I'm not sure why this bothers you. Perhaps since you said you are a very gentle guy, it makes you uneasy to have a partner who is a bit more rough?
Having different interests is okay. she doesn't have to be wild about all of the different things that make you tick. But she can appreciate you for it, nonetheless. I think you should try to do this for her; appreciate and support her in her passions.
It sounds like she has experienced a very difficult past with abuse and rather than laying down and giving up and giving in to a life of misery, she is a fighter. I see this as a very brave and noble thing. When so many are unable to regain confidence and self esteem back from such abuse, she is out there doing something that builds her confidence back, makes her feel good, safe, secure, and worthy.
In my opinion, she sounds like a keeper. I wouldn't let this fact get you down. If anything, I would use it as a means to show how awesome she is.
Try to support her in this and she will probably really appreciate it. I don't see anything to feel threatened by. That's my two cents. Good luck.
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