A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:Dear all,I have two recurring situations and I seek your advice on it. I’m very sensitive to who are around me as friends and acquaintances, people who I think have questionable behavior or ethics (mean, rude, dismissive, arrogant, poor manners) , I will give them a chance, but ultimately do not feel comfortable around them. I have a lot of friends and people I know, I keep finding myself in situations where I am invited to social events to hang out with people I either actively dislike or in small group scenarios. Sometimes the mutual friend is aware there are tensions before, sometimes not. Am I being a drama queen or actually am I well within my right to ask to be told who is coming and also have a right to opt out. With one friend she invited two people I don’t feel comfortable around to her birthday, her argument is she wants all the people around her for her birthday, and why can’t everyone just coexist, another friend believes you should put yourself in social situations that make you uncomfortable to learn about yourself (I don’t agree), my response is life is too short to be with people who don’t make you feel good and actually we can do something else together another time. I wanted to express to her that actually I’m very selective of who I spent time with, and when a friend makes decisions for me, then I will end up resenting the friend. What are your thoughts on this?Situation two) I keep making friends with other gay men who talk non-stop about their sex lives. I actually am not particularly interested in the sex lives of my friends. When I tell them this they call me a prude/or to loosen up. My honest belief is there is an element of bragging and also connecting by sharing their experience, but I’d rather focus on emotions than sexual prowess, which feels unhealthy and competitive. My former best friend was a sex addict and it really made my own sexual development feel stunted and in direct correlation to his constant need for sexual validation from others. What is a succinct way of expressing this to existing friends? Essentially their sexual liberation feels like my sexual inhibition.
View related questions:
best friend, sex addict Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 December 2019):
 I can see why you would say that you are being given conflicting advice. However, you have to remember this is a forum consisting of many individual aunts and uncles who are happy to try to advise. Their advice is not necessarily right for you. Their advice is not even necessarily right for MOST people. They hold no formal qualifications in this area. All they can do is advise you according to their own beliefs and experiences. We are all different. If you want just one lot of clear unambiguous advice, you need to go to one person. For me that is the beauty of going on a forum such as this. You could go to one individual for advice which could be totally wrong for you and then you are no better off.
You do not have to take ANY of the advice offered. It is just ADVICE. If you are astute, you will read and consider all of it and then decide what, if any, is right FOR YOU. Hopefully it will give you food for thought, even if you decide to disregard it all, which is entirely your prerogative. I doubt if any of the aunts or uncles will take umbrage if you decide you cannot make use of any of the advice offered. Hopefully, amongst the varied advice given, you will find one or two suggestions which will help you sort out how you want to proceed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2019): I for one take your point about gay men talking excessively about their sex lives.
I find it very unpleasant and actually selfish - I don't think it's sufficient to argue that it's difficult for them to come out and therefore they should be allowed to freely express and celebrate this aspect of gay culture, because it really can affect others around them who simply don't want to hear about it and don't have the same need or desire to be so excessively open about things they consider private.
I also think it's strange that there is this unspoken rule that you're not allowed to criticise any aspect of gay male culture or you risk being accused of homophobia. Gay men are often very, very far from the perfect, sweet creatures they can be assumed to be.
I work in a college renowned for having a gay male culture - and its supposed to support equal equalities. What I've found year after year is young, good looking gay men getting VIP treatment by older gay men who fast track their career - straight women, for example, cannot get a look in - and yet there's an assumption that if men are gay they automatically are not also patriarchal or biased.
That said, I do think you are seeing your situation in a rather 'black and white' way. You can remain polite, be in the same room as others without causing offence and without getting close enough to let them upset you. I'm talking about having slightly more flexible boundaries. Obviously if you find someone totally objectionable for good reasons then you can politely decline an invitation, giving a vague reason as to why; your need to 'call out' people on the 'bad points' that you detect in them suggests you may have a problem with trust, and are excessively projecting and. / or imagining or focussing on people's negative traits - that's not to suggest they don't have them, but that your focus on them could quite literally be causing you more bother than it's worth.
...............................
A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (16 December 2019):
 I feel in this case that being judgmental is justified. You need to understand that other people exist in the world that you just have to tolerate and not everything is about you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2019): Typo Correction:
"You didn't leave it at avoiding people, because they're bad-news; you were influencing the opinions of others towards them and trying to break-off friendships they had with mutual-friends."
P.S.
I'm not countering or refuting the advice or opinions of anybody else here. All of the advice is good, you just have to know when and how to apply it. You're gay, how does it feel when family or straight-acquaintances judge you for who you are? If you're not invited, because they have homophobia?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2019): There is no conflicting argument in our answers. You apply each suggestion and piece of advice given here where it is applicable. That's what I'm talking about when I said this:
"We learn to adapt to sticky social-situations, or not place ourselves in dicey circumstances that we have the foreknowledge to avoid."
I'll break it down for you. There are going to be people who have a presence in your life; because you may be connected in a way that you have no choice. Relatives, co-workers, neighbors, mutual-acquaintances, and clients. You have to maneuver around these people, and keep the peace; because they do have a connection that you don't always get to turn-up your nose, and have nothing to do with them. You can keep a healthy distance from them; and deal with them only when you have to.
There will be situations when you see trouble coming your way, or you get a tip from a trusted friend. That's foreknowledge and forewarning. Giving you a chance to brace yourself. You either dodge a bullet, or you find a way to guard yourself from whatever kind of trouble or conflict they might bring into your life. Bearing in-mind, you don't know who might take you in, if your house burns down; or who will give you comfort when you've had a great loss.
Your bridge-burning policy creates enemies; then you have to go out of your way on a mission to avoid them. What will you do, when you're cornered? Creating animosity by telling other people to reject folks you have some kind of beef with is opening another channel of enemies. There's a lot of people I know and don't like. Some who don't like me without even having a reason. I've learned to get around them! They don't get in my way; and I don't get in theirs. We are cordial to each other, and have mutual respect. I take the high road, and that makes them the jerks when they step out-of-line. I bite my tongue, and keep my business to myself.
Like when you wanted to tell someone inviting you to a party not to invite certain people, or you can't come. Guess what she would tell them under pressure to keep them as friends?
"I really would have invited you, but MrOveranalysing said he wouldn't come if I invited you; and he put me in the middle!" Then they will become mortal enemies to the Nth degree!!! She's going to cover her own bum to stay friends, and throw you under the bus!
Yeah, sometimes you don't have anything to do with people you don't like! The issues you have are between them and you. Nobody else! Grandstanding and publicizing about your disapproval makes you look more like a jerk than they do! Especially when they have no quarrels with anyone but you!!!
You were deciding for others how they should treat or relate to those you don't like; or disinvite people based on your opinion of them. That's where you're overstepping and being snobbish. "Judge not lest you want to be judged."
You can walk a big circle around those who get in your way; you don't go around recruiting people into your little army against people you don't like. You didn't leave it at avoiding people, because they're bad-news; you were influencing the opinions of others towards them and trying break-off friendships they had with mutual-friends. In my book, that's a trouble-maker!
Then don't talk about how undesirable other people are, when you behave like this!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 December 2019):
 Not really conflicting arguments, per se.
You are talking apples and oranges here. A) are acquaintances, strangers, coworkers, maybe even family and friends of friends. B) are people you want or have developed a relationship with.
Learning to coexist and be tolerant and at time BE in situations with people whom you don't enjoy is part of the human experience, part of life. NOT everyone you will meet in life are NOT going to be your cup of tea, and YOU are not going to be everyone's cup of tea either. THAT is the nature of human interactions.
Not STAYING with someone (IN A RELATIONSHIP) that isn't RIGHT for you is just common sense and smart.
Doesn't mean that you HAVE to hang around (one-on-one) with people you don't care for regardless, but there WILL be social interactions where you CAN choose to either NOT participate or SUCK it up. You might have a job you like, that pays well bot there are some coworker you don't care for, what then? Your boss should FIRE them so you don't have to interact? Or you should quit your job?
...............................
A
male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (14 December 2019):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see two conflicting arguments and am struggling to reconcile them:
A) coexist and be tolerant and welcome different people even if they aren’t your cup of tea.
B) if someone isn’t right for you, then don’t give them your time or energy.
CarrieSoa, in calling me out in judgmental, you demonstrated you are also judgemental of me. .
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): Part of being a civilized-adult; is realizing you can't always control the people, or the environment, around you.
We learn to adapt to sticky social-situations, or not place ourselves in dicey circumstances that we have the foreknowledge to avoid. We are free to make our own decisions, and we have choices. You can opt to temporarily bury the hatchet for the sake of having a good-time; or be alone, and impressed by your own snobbish-haughtiness!
You are responsible for your own conduct and behavior. As a guest, you have an option to leave; if anybody shows-up you feel would dampen your good-time. Rest assured, the party will go-on without you! "One monkey don't stop the show!" You may disappoint your host, if they are aware of why you rudely left. Showing everyone else how ill-mannered and petty you are. If it's your party, you can invite (or not invite) whomever you want to!
If you condition the special-honor of your celebrated-appearance on who's on the guestlist; expect to be missing from everyone's guestlist. While you'll often find yourself wondering why everyone is bragging about having such a good-time at an event you knew nothing about?!! Making it better, because any tension or drama you might have added to the atmosphere by hating on others was missing! If you didn't plan the party, or pay for the liquor and catering; you don't choose the guests! You don't insult someone offering you an invite to her birthday party. It's about her, not you!
The guestlist of your host or hostess does not revolve around your quirks, pet-peeves, and who you judge to be unacceptable. It is rude, and lacks class, to stipulate your attendance to someone's celebration; based on whether your growing-list of enemies will be there. There's a 50/50 chance people you don't like will be there; and a 50/50 chance you will meet new people who won't like you! Therefore, you have the option to stay your snooty-booty at home! My advice is to suck-it-up, dodge your enemies, and have a lovely time! Check your attitude and issues at the door! You do not make the home of a friend your personal battleground! If bigots, haters, whores, and nazis are having a party...how did you end-up on the guestlist? Your enemies don't become everybody's enemies! People aren't evil, just because they're not YOUR cup of tea!
Gay-male party-culture revolves around sex; and focuses on your appearance. The younger they are, the more preoccupied they are with their sexuality. Just coming-out and discovering themselves, it's all they really know. If you only travel in circles with raunchy foul-mouthed gays; but you don't think or talk like they do...guess who is out of their element? Pick your friends wisely. Be more selective; but open-minded. If you find yourself in a group that dwells on a one-topic conversation; pick-up your dolls and dishes, and go find another group of people to talk to. Intelligent people who have more to talk about; than pop-culture, and who has a big wanger!
Be friendly and always on the lookout to make some new friends. Then carefully weed-out undesirables. You may have to tolerate mutual-acquaintances, but nobody is forcing you to be all up in their faces. Be cordial and politely-distant. If you're vying to be in a clique, you're forced to do as the clique does. If you march to the beat of your own drum? Fly solo, mix, and mingle. Don't grow roots, if you don't like the soil! Always remember this...when it comes to friends...it's quality not quantity! Provided you keep your snob-reflex under reasonable control.
Now whose fault is it if you go around comparing yourself to others? You are old enough to know that most of the bragging is exaggeration and conceit. It is meaningless bar-talk. If everyone is downing cocktails, the conversation starts to settle to the bottom of the barrel. People get potty-mouthed and horny; that's the time to go find another group or individual to chat with. If you're at a party, or social event; be a social-butterfly! Meet and greet, and introduce yourself to unfamiliar-faces. That's how it's done with class and style! Not by being judgy or haughty!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 December 2019):
Wow, I read your post and thought "This is ME writing" - apart from the gay part (but that's not really relevant to your questions).
Like you, I resent being forced to spend time with people who don't enrich my life in some way or who irritate me in some way. Over the years, my circle of "friends" has diminished and is now very small but very close. Each one of my current friends is someone I have known for a long time and with whom I enjoy spending time, who I admire in some way and with whom I have a lot in common. We have similar values about the important things in life and none of my friends would intentionally push my comfort boundaries, just as I would always respect theirs. I agree, life is too short to waste on people you don't like, especially when that time can be spent with people you do like or doing something you enjoy. I am quite a bit older than you and have come to realize that it is my RIGHT to refuse invitations to events I know I will not enjoy. I have also come to the conclusion that I do not owe anyone an apology or an explanation when I turn down these invitations. In fact, when we have nights out from work, I often joke that "I spend all day with you lot; why would I want to spend my evenings/week-ends with you as well?" It is said with a smile on my face and in a light hearted manner but the point is made and now, after years of this, nobody is at all surprised when I choose not to participate.
As for listening to the gory details of a friend's sex life, I too find this repulsive and definitely "TMFI". I firmly believe what goes on behind closed doors is between the people participating, and nothing to do with anyone else. I would never discuss MY sex life with someone who was not there to share it in the first place (unless they were a professional and I needed their help). Writing you off as a prude just because you choose to have a bit of class is bad manners and, for me, would put those people straight into the "ex friend" box. If they have no respect for YOUR feelings and boundaries, why should you spend your precious time on them?
Stay true to yourself. Don't allow others to dictate your boundaries and don't apologise for HAVING boundaries. If these "friends" can't show a little respect for your feelings, they are putting their bragging above your comfort. You deserve better.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 December 2019):
1. I think you CAN ask, who else is coming but if you them make a BIG deal out of not being able to come because X,Y or Z is coming to, then I think you ARE a drama queen. But if you start out with I'll have to check the date and see, and as a side-note, who else is coming? That way you can make an EXCUSE that is civil for why you can't come. IF you start stating that you are "uncomfortable" with other friends you are putting it on the other person to either exclude someone they DON'T want to exclude to pander to you, or exclude you.
1. It is good to OCCASIONALLY be in social situation where you aren't 100% "comfortable. It's JUST not comfortable. You can't always have a "safe space" in life. But there are of course exceptions. Like, let's say X,Y and Z are into drugs and do them openly at these social situations, I think it's PERFECTLY fine not only to be uncomfortable but to NOT want to be around them. Or whenever they are there they get so smashed that they start fights. Or if they are derogatory or rude to you or other people. Something like that. If you just don't LIKE X,Y and Z as people, then you always have the choice to make NEW friends, leave the social event, or decline politely if you know they will be there OR.... Just go and not interact with X,Y and Z.
The birthday party was a good example of YOU trying to tell HER that you are picky in who you want to hang with (which up to a point is totally understandably and OK - IF you were HOSTING and throwing the party) but when you are a GUEST, you can't DICTATE who the host can invite. You can just CHOOSE to be "busy" that day and suggest you hang out 1-on-1 (you and birthday girl) on another date. Instead of trying to enforce YOU preferences on other people.
Situation 2
No, you can't really expect your friend to ONLY discuss topics YOU want to hear about. However, you are FREE to change the subject.And I would, EVERY time.
I get it, you can only listen to so much of the same shit and not feel like that's enough. Good for you, let's move on.
Having a friend who is VERY promiscuous and VERY much into talking about their sex life isn't always about bragging but them expressing some sort of pride in their life and life style.
It's not them pointing out that "LOOK I get a lot of sex" and "neener neener you don't". THAT is you projecting you own insecurities into them. It's NOT about you. It's about them. They are trying to make themselves FEEL better about themselves by having as much inconsequential sex as possible. Some people drink, some do drugs, some work hard in their jobs, family, volunteer - whatever to FEEL better about themselves, this friend of your is using sex to soothe his self-dislike and perhaps because he feels it's ALL he has to offer.
Having MANY MANY sex partners (regardless of sex, orientation, etc) is not really something to brag about. And it certainly doesn't make ANYONE a better person or partner. So if you think that because they BANG anything with a pulse, that you somehow is "failing" as a man because you don't, you need to focus on WHAT REALLY is important in life. Banging a LOT of people isn't. Having MEANINGFUL relationships and friendship are.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): What comes across in both of your problems is that you're very self absorbed. You make everything about you. Yes of course you should learn to just be civil to people you don't like. There are exceptions. If someone is racist, homophobic, misogynist tell them to f off. But other wise part of being in a community of friends is putting up with that guy you don't like that much. The idea that someone should tell you who is invited to their birthday so that you can choose not to go is not insane on the face of it, but it sounds like you can't put your friend first. Her birthday, be there with her, stop making it about you.
As for the second problem it sounds like there a touch of homophobia here. ARe you really telling me your straight male friends dont' talk about sex? Is it just the gay ones that make you uncomfortable? Again it's not absurd to not want to talk about the gory details, but the REASON you don't want to talk about it is because it makes you feel less than, and that shows that yet again the reason you are uncomfortable with someone is because you make it all about you.
You need to realise that other people exist in the world and not everything is about you and your feelings.
...............................
A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (11 December 2019):
You sound very difficult to be around in all honesty. You don't have to like everyone that you find yourself around. Be mature about it. Your friend is right. Why can't everyone just co-exist?
You also come across as judgmental. If someone doesn't tick your criteria for a friend then you automatically don't like them. I feel like the problem is with you and not the people you find uncomfortable around. Being around different social circles does teach you how to handle different situations. You should let your guard down, enjoy socializing and just get on with people.
...............................
|
