A
male
age
30-35,
*autionsktr1
writes:I've been dating my current girlfriend for about 6 months now and everyhting was fine and dandy... We really felt we were in love with each other but we got into talking about our pasts and hers really upset me. She's young and has been with 7 other guys before me. I can understand 3 of them because they were dating, but the other 4 she wasn't dating. The first one - they were drunk at a party and she slept with him to spite her ex bf. The next two drugged her and slept with her she barely remembers much about it. The last one actually was her bf they didn't have sex yet but were going out for a week and a half and he was driving her home and he pulled over and told her to have sex with him she said no and he kept arguing with her until she finally said yes because she was scared of him. She also dated this one guy for about a year that had apparently a big penis that she said made her feel sick to her stomach when they had sex... yet she dated him for a year. Other than that like I said she's young and with the year long bf had anal sex and would blow him while he was driving even though she hated giving blowjobs. I was wondering if anyone has advice on how I could get over her past?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): From what I read....it sounds like bad things happened to her and it took it's toll. She needs a clean break with a good guy and patience. I would take it a step at a time with her. Be friends, gain eachother's trust, then date. Rush the sexual relationship & you won't get to know her as well as you could have. Maybe some counseling. I'm concerned about her well being. She shouldn't have to apologize for her past to you. Reading all that made me sad. It sounds like the rapes, started this sad cycle of bad men. It's obviously taken a toll on her self esteem. She's still responsible for her own actions, but I don't rush her, help her learn how valuable she is and that she's her own boss and deserves a better man that what she's experienced in the past.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): Metalsman is jaded but he's right.
As a man, there are certain things you have already been convicted of:
1. You have always been a male slut yourself. It doesn't matter whether you actually have or not. As long as some men do this it is fair to hold it against all men. And the fact that lots of mmodern men have at least as much chastity as modern women poses a real debating problem for those who bash you.
2. Your feelings are there because you want to have them, and it's just because you enjoy punishing her and not because you are struggling to live with the emotional trauma you feel from being involved with a loose girl. (Anyone else reading this and balks at me using the word "trauma" here, your reaction is making my point for me. You really DON'T understand what these guys are dealing with at all.)
You have two choices.
You can accept her this way, do it unconditionally, and live with that ball of pain in your gut permanently. Or you can break up with her and hate & second guess yourself for years to come that way. Either way you feel like shit.
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A
male
reader, metalsman  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 I was going to write a pretty long dialogue on this issue for you but then thought..why bother!..the feministic SS will just harp on about the "past is the past" and you shouldn't judge her etc...the usual bollocks..Anyway, cutting it short..the one element which, to me at least, stands out here is, what an incredibly bad judge of character she must have to have put herself in all those situations which now are seemingly questionable, and she allowed to go on for some time (in the case of Mr. Big at least).So, here's what to do;-Can you get over this?...NO, it'll haunt you for years to come if it bothers you now (in my humble opinion).What can i do about it?..NOTHING....because you'll be persecuted by the GIRLSTAPO who, in the main, believe this issue is not real, it's one of your own making, and that you're not entitled to any kind of feelings centered on moral values, ethics, decency, choice, or just plain old fashioned common sense.Conclusion:Either "put up and shut up"..but suffer in silence with it constantly eating away at you, orFind someone else who better suits your outlook.Good luck.P.S. Look out for a lot of posts on here by "Troubledtoomuch" and "Yos". They have a significantly less cynical view than me at the moment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): oh the fragile male ego. Trust me I know how you feel but I hope this insight will help.
After dating for a number of years I find the perfect girl. We get engaged and I'm looking forward to the happy future. About a month after the engagement she tells me she has something I should know. I college, first time away from home, she went a little wild. So I find out she has slept with a lot of men - "30, 40 I don't really know". She tells me she was with 3 guys at one time (as well as 2 guys also). She was with 8 girls and some of those were girls and guys together.
Well I'm floored since I was only with one girl before her. She's upset but tells me she owed it to me before we got married. If I want to break it off, that's fine and she understands.
Well after a couple of weeks of brooding and being distant I realize I miss her. So we get together and start talking about marriage again. One night after sex I ask her why she told me? It's because she love me and felt I should know.
So we get married and all I can think of is will I ever match up to what she's already done? After about a month of marriage I ask her what the best sex she ever had was. "The first time we had sex", and I'm floored. Now we have been married a long time, great kids and an enjoyable sex life.
You may not be the first, but you'll be the last. She told you because she cares about you (love maybe). I forgot about it long ago and now look back on it and think what a dunce I was.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): It sounds like she's been in a lot of emotionally/sexually abusive relationships and needs a lot of encouragement and for you not to judge her. She trusts you by confiding in you and is being honest with you, so you should appreciate that. Her past is her past and nothing can change that. You are aware of what is going on and if you can't handle what she told you, then you may have some thinking to do. We all come with some kind of baggage, but really think about things before you judge someone. Maybe she was abused as a child and being with these guys is a result of the abuse she suffered. She's with you now and her past is just that- the past. It sounds like she needs you to support and comfort her. Despite what has happened, if you are both happy and comfortable around one another, the past shouldn't matter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): So, she was RAPED 3 times and you are upset about the numbers of men she's been with? What sort of an ass hat are you really? Get a grip and support her instead, and what about trying to love her like you as her BOYFRIEND are supposed to? If you can't be there for her find someone else because you're not worth her. Im tired of listening to immature and insecure guys who has an issue with their gf's past. Like you are clean as a white sheet? Please. She lives her life like she wants to and no one can judge her, so stop trying to think it's something to be concerned about.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (8 November 2009):
my friendyou have to see this story from a different angle and what i mean is a girl with this past well mostly makes you feel great in bed because she has the experience for it. About her past... it doesn't belong to you and you can't change it so focus on the good things that you have and don't bother yourself with things that you can't change..Trust me... you should thank her for being honest, many girls would sleep with a dozen guys and would't give you a sinlge hint about that.
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A
female
reader, texas_princess +, writes (8 November 2009):
 Wow... first of all, sounds like she needs a refresher course on the rules of dating, because rull number ONE is don't discuss exes... and especially don't discuss the sexual details of you and said exes!!! It's one thing to get a BRIEF dating history on someone because it does let you a bit more into their head before starting/continuing a relationship, but the details she gave you I would find to be nothing more than hurtful, and obviously you are hurt and upset by it or you wouldn't be on here asking for advice. Now that she has let the proverbial cats out of the bags, I will do my best to lend you some uselful advice. First of all, in her defense, we all have skeletons in our closet and you have to give her kudos on her honesty.... again I don't agree with the fact that she went into such detail, BUT I think it's safe to say this chick is being brutally honest with you, which is important for the future of any relationship. Secondly when it comes to you trying to "get over her past" the best advice I can lend is that if she has never given you cause to NOT trust her... you should 100% percent give her the benefit of the doubt. People learn from their past relationships and past mistakes, maybe she needed to weed through that train of losers to find a good guy (I'm hoping you are one lol). Everyone makes mistakes and EVERYONE, I don't care who you are, has done things you aren't so proud of. Keep the relationship moving forward and keep things positive. Take her for the person she is NOW and not the person she was then. Life is a progression and an evolution and we are never the person with our new relationship that we were with the old one~ good luck!
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