A
female
age
30-35,
*reamingwithabrokenheart
writes:(this is a combination of several of my replies to other users before I had my own account....now it's a question)I've known my english teacher for 2 years, last year when we would talk in passing and then this year when he was finally my teacher. Before this year he knew me because of family connection with his wife. He is the same age as my dad, in the mid 50's. I am 17. To make matters worse, he is married, has kids who are OLDER than me and worst of all his wife works at the same school. Recently, (within the last week), I started realizing that my once platonic feelings for this man have developed into complete LUST (maybe love?) and he's ALL i can think about. i SHOULDN'T have these kind of feelings - he's not attractive in any way.......but even more importantly he's MARRIED with kids, as far as i know has a completely healthy and working sense of ethics (read: i don't have a chance), and of course anything beyond a teacher-student relationship is illegal. i am completely aware of what he would be jeopardizing if anything happened between us but the reasonable part of my mind that says it would be bad is struggling to be heard. To make matters worse, every little thing I play up in my mind and agonize over - the other day he was telling me something and put his hand on my arm - all i could think of was how badly it burned when he moved away. He sat me across from him in class, so whenever he looks up it is at me (initially i thought this was kinda weird, but not so much anymore). we have kind of a running joke (about 90% of what he says is in jest) that he hates me, I'm a bad student, the rest of his students are good but I'm not, etc. He always gives me a harder time about things than everyone else in the class, even though there are probably 10 other people who are simultaneously doing the same the wrong. I keep hoping that it's that old gradeschool theory - the guy who is mean to you is being that way because he really likes you! It gets worse: we are each assigned individual books to read every once and a while, and the one he assigned me was apparently one of his top favorites of all time. well guess what it was about? a teacher who seduces her willing student into sex! maybe it's completely ridiculous and off-base of me to think, but it seems like there is a really subtle and well disguised hint in there. is that too far fetched? he's a very lenient teacher as far as accepting profanity etc. so in my report on it I went on and on about how thrilling and exciting the relationship was, and basically condoned it. I was kind of hoping that if he was sending a signal in assigning the book, he would definitely get MY signal back to him in the paper. If that wasn't his intentions at all and this is just a lucky coincidence then he'll probably just think I'm kind horny and/or amoral. Not too far from the truth ;)So I guess my question is not WHAT DO I DO, as in, do I make a move or not?? Because I already know the answer to that. Or I know the ANSWERS, because one half of me says "BAD! ILLEGAL! ADULTERY! WRONG! NO! HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU LIKE YOU THINK HE DOES!" and the other half says "GOOD! YES! EXCITING! SEXY! GO FOR IT! HE IS SENDING YOU SIGNALS!" So I definitely have two answers to that question. My REAL question for you is, do you think he's sending signals or not??? I just want to know if he is because if there is a chance he likes me I don't think I would hesitate to make the move. Also, how do I stay connected with MY world and stay myself without getting obsessive?! And don't just say "stop thinking about him" because that's easier said than done! =)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): Dude. He's tricking you. He's an old perv. Been there, man. Watch out. I read that and got a bad feeling. Stay away if you can. Seriously. He's not right.
A
female
reader, dreamingwithabrokenheart +, writes (15 May 2008):
dreamingwithabrokenheart is verified as being by the original poster of the question Deema....that's not all either...i'll message you and tell you the whole story because it's kind of lengthy.
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A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 oooh I'm afraid that reeeeally bothers me. Be careful darling. Is he giving you that grade because its a turn on to him - I don't even want to think about it. This is getting way too deep and on to very dodgy ground. Like I said be careful. Back off. Be the bigger one here. Stop playing the game. You'll be the one getting hurt. Act as though he's just your tutor and nothing else - cus at the end of the day, thats all he is. Like the other girls said - imagine one of your friends was hot for your Dad, and then act from that place. At the end of the day, we can't tell you what to do - but as the old and the wise, its very worrying to see someone so young possibly being taken in by someone so much older - who also is the old and wise and sometimes manipulating. Good luck hun. Please be careful.
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A
female
reader, dreamingwithabrokenheart +, writes (14 May 2008):
dreamingwithabrokenheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate!!! this is major (to me=) but i just checked my grades on the book report online and i got a 100%! i'll have to wait until tomorrow to see his comments about what i said....i'll update then. either way this is exciting because my grade just skyrocketed!
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A
female
reader, dreamingwithabrokenheart +, writes (14 May 2008):
dreamingwithabrokenheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the wonderful and thoughtful answers so far! Once i saw how long my post was in comparison to a lot of other ones on here I was worried no one would reply. So after reading the replies, they all kind of have the same message, and it seems like the majority thinks he's not sending signals. I guess it's all stuff I knew 'in my heart' but needed a third person point of view to tell me. I will see how this situation progresses. Thank you so much for your kind and loving support!!! it is infinitely appreciated!
love, Bryn
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (13 May 2008):
Hi Hun. Hmmmmm. Well sorry to say, but I think he's playing games with your heart. You see he's in a position of power. He's teacher, you're student. Thats what makes him so attractive to you. When I was 17 I absolutely adored my tutor at college, flirted with him like mad, looked for signals that he liked me - so you're falling for the power thing of the tutor, as well as his other charms. How many of us girls have fallen for our Doctors, Dentists, Surgeons? Any one in power is very attractive to us, so don't beat yourself up about that one, its normal. As for what you should do about it? Well it is a dangerous game you're playing here. I think he is sending you signals. I think he knows exactly what he's doing. He's flirting cus he's picking up your signals, and he's flattered. Who wouldn't be? To have a young, nubile, sexy girl fancy you when you're in your 50s is great. BUT the only one who will get hurt here is YOU. He may string you along, flirt with you, single you out. Thats all his power trip. But then he goes home to his wife. He has very little to lose, unless he goes a step further. So he can flirt and keep you dangling through the day and then go home to little wifey at night. Every mans dream!!!! Just be careful darling. He could well have a student in every class he flirts with, not just you. Do me a favour, please, look for someone your own age, who IS available. What you're doing is natural, but don't read any more into it than a bit of flirtation. See it for what it is. Let it go. Theres plaenty of gorgeous guys out there waiting for you. Go get a real one, your own, not a second hand one who is just a tease. You deserve better than that. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Please don't take this the wrong way - you are very young, crushes are normal (often on older males in positions of 'power')but keep in mind that this age/stage of development is when you are really only starting to define yourself, to become an autonomous being and make connections with others independent of your family. All this is happening in combination with a huge surge of teenage hormones.....so it it is not so strange that you are seeing 'signals' and fantasising about your teacher.
My advice to you though would be to think very carefully about the type of adult you want to become...for someone saying you're ready to be "all grown up" - making moves, having sex with 50 yo men, having serious relationships? - you seem to be behaving quite selfishly....which is a very child-like way to approach situations and people.
I bet your parents have said in the past something along these lines " put yourself in the other persons shoes"...?? For you to entertain the idea of an 'affair' with your teacher you have to be willing to potentially destroy his current family. Maybe you are too young to put yourself in his wife's shoes...so do this instead, imagine your best friend decides she thinks your Dad is hot and she wants him for her...how would that effect you? your mum? Really think about this kind of situation...it's not just all about you.
The other thing I feel you need to explore is what sort of relationship you think you deserve? Do you deserve sneaking around and deceiving everyone? Never being able to invite him to your family gatherings? having time together when he can get away? ....that sort of thing? I think you deserve more than that - you deserve a guy who can hold your hand as you walk down the street, spend as much time with you as you want,give you his whole heart...build something with you. A married man can't give you that.
It's a confusing time...I hope you can work it out, but take my advice...look elsewhere for love!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): I had a major crush on my college teacher. Ugh! Handsome, smart, worldly, and did I mention, HANDSOME! There wasnt anything illigal about it either. He said, in front of the class, that I was eye candy, and to not pay too much attention to me because I was a learning distraction. I thought that was the most blunt signal one could give me, teacher or not. We talked via E-mail oiut side of class, and when I finally got the nerve to tell him that I thought he was perfect, and I would give my right eye to have a date with him, I havnt heard from him since...Sad story, but, for guys like your teacher, married, kids, job, etc., he very well could be giving you signals, but not necessarily for the reason you think. For someone like him, the thrill of fantisising about running off in to the sunset with someone like you is all he wants. Once anything is put in to action, it kills it, makes it ILLEGAL, WRONG, ADULTRY, etc. Be careful. If he is sending you signals, (cause I don't really know if he is), try to keep the fanticy theory in mind;) Dont get yourself in trouble, there are tooons of hot guys out there for you. You arnt even old enough to hit up the bars, and clubs and such! just wait, there's more!
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A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (13 May 2008):
It sounds like he favors you more than his other students, probably because he's a family friend and he might think you are a special or above average student. I don't think he's sending any signals. You have a crush and you're interpreting his actions to support the idea that he might have a crush on you, too. It's natural to have crushes on authority figures. But I also agree that it's best to put it out of your mind. Concentrate on other things and other people, and after awhile you'll come to see him as he is.. a teacher and friend who is pushing you to succeed.
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A
female
reader, Aeval +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Tough one but I have to say no he isnt. The book may well have been just one he likes most as innocent as that.
He is your family friend so he may be pushing you harder to do better in school, maybe he see's that you have potential to do something with your life?
I think this may be a phase in your life and it will pass. If he is married and has a great set of morals then nothing will happen and thats the way it should be.
It will be hard but try to put it out of your mind. You will be glad you did in the future.
IF I am worng and somehting was to happen then what about his wife and family? what about all the hurt you will cause people just so you can get into bed with someone?
Is that the type of person you want to be?
Good luck
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