A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is the first time i've done anything like this and so here goes....... I am living with my partner in a house purchased together, who I absolutely love and adore and he feels the same, this i am confident about. We have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2. We have talked about the future and both agree that we want to spend the rest of our lives together and raise a family. The issue I have, is that I want to get married and he doesn't. He says that he doesn't believe in marriage and that he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have children with me and is fully committed, he doesn't think that by us getting married will make us or him more committed than we already are now. I can see his point, as some women only hear at the time of proposal that their partners want to spend the rest of their lives with them, but this is something he has told me for some time, so i should be happy. We are both committed to each other and have a deep love for each other, but i'm not totally fulfilled. He asked what if we were to get married in a registry office just the two of us, however, i would want our friends and family there. His main reason for not getting married is the fact he doesn't like having attention on him, the thought of even having to make a best man speech if any of his friends were to ask is enough to turn him cold! Let alone his own speech. He'd rather that if we were to do it, we did it without any fuss. But he still is reluctant. my problem is that i don't want a huge wedding, but i would like to share the experience with my close friends and family, as marriage is not only declaring your love to each other, but to be able to share it with others close to you too. I would feel let down if we were to do it on our own, as if he's been roped into it and ashamed, embarrassed. Even though i know he just doesn't want the fuss. But just by him mentioning a registry office doesn't mean he's actually ever going to ask me, which is what concerns me. I also feel that whilst he says it's not a commitment issue, i find it disrespectful and humiliating that he can buy a house with me, live with me, want children with me, but won't share his name or want me to be known as his wife. He;s said before that he would like me to have his name, as i've said i don't want to be known as his girlfriend forever, and he's agreed, but how can we do this without getting married?! from reading things on various websites, i see people are advising others in my position to consider whether he loves you enough - i don't doubt that he loves me deeply, but now i'm questioning whether subconsciously he loves me enough. I don't want to lose him, but marriage is important to me as i know i will feel fulfilled and a deeper commitment from him. Our every day relationship will be the same, but i know i will feel different being married to him. You hear about people who have been together for years and then break up, only to find out later that the person who said they were never into marriage, has only gone and proposed to his current girlfriend - so i wonder whether subconsiously he doesn't think i'm totally right for him, even though he tells me i am. it's not like i'm desperate to get married to anyone, i want to marry him. I'm thinking that i don't see why i should give him children if he won't marry me, but at the same time i'm approaching 30 and want to start a family in a few years time. He thinks that if we were to split up and i found someone else, if they asked me to marry them, i would. I'm not going to accept a proposal just for the sake of it or from someone i don't love truly and deeply, but i want to be with someone who will marry me. I guess i just thought it was a given, you grow up, fall deeply in love and then get married and have children, but i've realised it's not. It's the only thing we don't have, but to me its very important. I never thought it would be this hard that i would have to debate it with my partner, i always hoped it would happen. i'm disappointed that i have to debate and sell it and that if he were ever to ask, whether he would feel like it was under duress, which is something i'm worried about. I think it would be a shame to finish a relationship just because of this, but at the same time, if we never get married, i think i wil always feel unfulfilled and not good enough. People say you shouldn't worry about what other people think about you, but i do and i know some of the perceptions people have when couples have been together for so long but never get married and i don't want that. i don't want people to think we're not committed or that he's/i'm waiting for a better option or we've an 'escape route' etc. I'm battling with my feelings for wanting to talk about it with him, but also not wanting to force him to do it or drive him away so he will never ask. I don't believe issuing ultimatums is good and as i said before, everything is great apart from this, but this is a big deal for me. It is creating problems. I know i shouldn't compromise him and likewise he shouldn't do the same to me, so i just feel stuck...........
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split up, want children, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, just wanted to thank you all for your advice before. Was going through a difficult time and got brought down by overthinking and stressing. Made a decision to consciously stop bringing up the subject and suprise suprise, it worked! It was a year on from my message on here, but in hindsight, the timing was right. He suprised me over Christmas. Apparently our friends and family were in on it for some time. Things can work out in the end! Wedding is booked for August this year. Ceremony and with small group of close family members followed by evening party including all our friends! Bit of a turnaround as my fiance is really excited and getting involved and being helpful with all the plans. Patience and understanding works things out in the end! x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): He will never marry you because he is comfortable with the way thing are right now. You have allowed him to become too relaxed and never put any demands on him. Clearly his view of marriage is different from yours. I know that the decision to leave someone whom you love deeply is hard and difficult to do. However, you have make a decision on whether you want to continue being in a relationship unfulfilled or leave and finde someone who want to go in the same direction---marriage. I spend 7 years with someone one who told me he was still not ready to commit. I just chose to leave because i didnt want to spend any more time second guessing myself and wondering when he would be ready. Are you willing to wait another 7 or 9 years for him to commit if he does? How valuable is your happiness and piece of mind? Time is something you can never get back. Spend it with someone who wants what you want in the long run.
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A
female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (11 December 2009):
What can I say? Most registries will not join you unless you have two witnesses anyway so I guess he really does not want to commit. That is the issue. Give him some time though(not an ultimatum) and don't let him know you're studying him for signs of commitment. If he still desires to continue along his "no strings attached lines" then I will agree with everyone else. Take a walk. If he really loves you, he'll come after you and compromise, but if he doesn't, there's loads of marrying men out there and there must surely be one made just for you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 December 2009):
I'd give it till your 30th and if no sign of change and he's still only agreeing to get the legal stuff done as a favour to you then I'd walk.
You have maybe 5 good years to date and find a man who will want to marry you and then have a couple of kids.
5 years is a LONG time so don't think it's this guy or nothing. You have options!
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 December 2009):
Yes, and when will he do it? No date, no proposal? Just a 'yes we'll get married one day'? Rubbish. He just said that you please you so you'll stay. I really don't think he'll do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, update is that he's said he will marry me, just not right now. he's said it's not important to him, but if it is to me, he'll do it. don't like the fact he's 'doing me a favour' as it's not what i imagined, but its the best i'm going to get from him and i should be grateful he's willing to do something which he doesn't believe in to keep me and keep me happy.
he still doesn't want anyone there, but i don't think that will be fair on my parents not to come, so i'll approach that again in time. i guess i will have to sit tight knowing that it will happen, just not yet.
My 30th is in November, so for me that's a milestone and i want to know by then it's definitely happening. it's a while to wait, but i can't keep on about it. if in a year nothing has progressed, then i will have to make some serious decisions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the advice it's good to hear other peoples opinions.
just wanted to say that i'm not into a big lavish wedding, i've never wanted a church wedding or been the kind of girl who knows how everything is going to be like some -registry office and small gathering after for a meal and get together after has always been fine with me. if it's going to happen, he just wants it to be the 2 of us, but i would like my/his parents and a few friends to share the moment with.
it's also about what marriage represents to me. he may be shy, but there are many men out there who are, but will still show their commitment through marriage in front of those special to them.....
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 December 2009):
Straight up, from a male, if he doesn't want to get married, he won't.
Now you have to think. Can you live with a man who does love you and is willing to commit at every level but put that ring on your finger, or would you be better ending it now before anything else happens?
Maybe he has seen too many marriages go wrong and is scared yours will. That's probably the answer.
But he isn't going to change his mind. If he doesn't want to get married, he won't. that's it. Now you need to think about whether you can live with that.
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A
female
reader, tjazzy +, writes (7 December 2009):
Sounds like you love the idea of a lavish wedding more than actually being married. Unfortunately your loving fiancee is shy. My plain advice is this - take the registry option PLEASE. At least it's a start and it is also a wedding. Just see if you can persuade him to hold a small reception afterwards for maybe 25 people you're both comfortable with. Marriage is all about compromise. I wish you luck.
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A
female
reader, Araelia V +, writes (7 December 2009):
 In this situation the best thing to do if you feel like you want to be part of your life is this:
You could always legally change your last name to his. This will make you feel closer and further committed to him. Buy a house together and make him your secondary partner, and put him in your will. there are ways to be married without actually being married
hope i helped
araelia v
x
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (7 December 2009):
So basically his problem is that he won't put something that you feel strongly about over the fact he might have to feel a bit embarrassed?
That's hardly a strong foundation for being together for ever. I am married and I understand completely about exchanging vows in front of friends and family. It's about publicly declaring your intentions to each other, and I think that meant more to me than the legal / religious aspect put together.
I wonder what else he will refuse to do with you in life because your happiness doesn't rate that highly with him? Children are a lot of hard work and he might have to do things he doesn't like. Has he considered that?
Normally the absolute best advice for dealing with a man like this is to say "Sorry love, I want a man who is willing to show he loves me through marriage." and then walk out. A lot of the time he's be on his knees with a ring within a week because they realise how stupid they are being and what it will mean losing.
I know you don't want to give an ultimatum so an alternative would be this:
Tell him that since he isn't willing to stand up in front of a crowd of a few dozen people and say he loves you (shock horror), then the children will not have his name, and neither will you. Tell him you want your name on the documents of the house and everything to be 50:50.
He's not willing to commit to you so you need to have a safety net. If he says he is committing to you then tell him to prove it. As you say, he could have doubts deep down and there is nothing to stop him walking out in 5 years time when your biological clock has slowed to a stop.
Good Luck!! xx
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