A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on what to do...I've been with my boy 3.5 years now, he was my first love, first everything. I am 21. A few months into our relationship he got drunk at a party and spooned a girl he used to be intimate with...he promised nothing happened and i accepted that and because i loved him, i forgave him. 1.5 years down the track he was still changing the story of what happened (basically it started as a double bed, then a single, then 2 bunks, then him asking her to share the bottom bunk....least to say i did have huge trust issues after all of this. I would learn something new, need time to heal and it would happen all over again. I believe that he didn't have sex with her though. From then on in, he promised never to hurt me like that again.Anyway, just this year, we went through a rough patch, and one day on his computer i found he had made a profile on a cheating/adultery website and even though he was a guest he had contacted people to initiate contact. His profile stated "attached male seeking females". That almost broke us up, but he promised me nothing ever happened of it and that he was just curious, and to use the site you need to register.So once again, i forgave him. Now recently, he met this new friend, who one night was inviting him over at 1am, and when he said he was with me, she said she only had one double bed and there was room only for him. Then he said to her that he didnt want anything with her (with much complaining when i asked him to say it like he didn't want to), and he loved me and she kept asking why he wouldnt come over. I believe he has been very flirty with her before that. He was yelling at me for thinking she wanted more than friends, apparantly i was in the wrong and she was simply a friend wanting to see another friend.So after that i told him it would make me uncomfortable if he ever slept over there by himself (or any female's house)reassuring him that i do not have a problem with him and her just being friends, and he got all angry and called me controlling for asking him not to sleep over if she asked. He should respect my boundaries.He also likes telling me detailed events of when he sees his friends (always guys), but whenever he sees a female friend he never mentions a thing, like it never happened. I found out through one of my friends that her and him went out for a drink after work once. Yet everytime he sees his male friends i hear all about it. He hasnt even mentioned her to me, apart from the night she was texting him to come over.Anyway now he has been acting very weird again and i know it was wrong but i had a gut feeling something was up so i looked at his phone and he and her had been msging and calling each other late at night for weeks on end (once or twice a week), one msg was him asking where she was at 10pm. I'm too scared to say anything, i don't know what to do incase they are just friends and then i would have crossed the line. I know she visits him at work (he works a late shift). I deleted her number once, but he got it back. He always says he loves me and would never hurt me but i dunno... he is very flirtatious with women... before me, he would be hooking up with multiple girls at parties etc...He did say once that a little part of him still wanted to know what it was like to have meaningless relations wth randoms but he was too scared of loosing the best thing to ever happen to him. He also said that he thinks about sleeping with randoms on a daily basis but that it was normal for males. I need to know if this is normal for guys in loving relationships!??? I don't know what to do, what do you all think? Please be honest. I am so torn right down the middle, i barely have any trust in him at the moment but i love him so much and i feel i might be blinding myself to the truth.Please help.
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female
reader, Simply Jane2011  +, writes (20 November 2010):
 Hi, Sorry to say this but get out while you can, he obviously thinks your his doormat, and quite frankly you have acted that way, accepting and forgiving (been there done that) as for wanting to stay over with another girl, thats not good. The saying (Fool me once,shame on you, Fool me twice,shame on me) comes to mind, hes managed to convince you that nothing happend, and you accepted it,
if he has feelings for you he wouldnt be like this, just end it and save yourself from the pain, sooner or later that guy is going to realize what hes doing
Good Luck :) xx Hugs
A
female
reader, MsVick  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 He is a liar and a manipulator. He wants to control you while having your relationship on his own terms. He will NOT stop this behavior, he can't it is how he has always been. You have to decide which is more important, living with him and his bad behavior or dumping him and moving on to find someone who will love you and not manipulate you.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (16 November 2010):
Sorry but this is not normal. On some level, he is not satisfied with you alone and for a reason only known by him (there could be several) he seeks the comfort of getting close to other women. It could be a confidence things (Hey do I still have what it takes to get a girl even though I'm taken?) or it could be issues with a number of other things.
Either way, he is not acting in a loving or respectful way to you and I recommend that you break up with him. It doesn't matter what excuses he can come up with, he needs to know that you're no longer okay with dealing it. Even if he's honest to goodness not sleeping with any of these women, his actions are still wrong and irresponsible. Break things off now while you have the chance.
The type of advice I usually give never bounds directly to "break up," but in this case he's acting like a total scumbag. He is not showing interest in your relationship and you deserve much more affection and respect than what he is giving. I honestly wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): This guy is totally cheating on you. 100% POSITIVE. What exactly do you love about him? He sounds like a complete jerk.
No this behavior is not AT ALL normal for a guy. No it is not normal for a guy in a "loving" relationship to be contacting other girls, to be telling you that he wants to bang randon girls, to be telling you he wants to sleep over other chicks houses. Nothing of what he is doing is normal for a guy who is "in love." He is totally playing you.
You really need to wake up and smell the coffee. This guy is making a mockery of you. A mockery of the relationship. He sounds like a real piece of sh*t. But you are letting him.
You said yourself that you love him. So I don't know what to tell you. The guy is definitely a master manipulator and has really played with your emotions quite alot. If I were you I would call a parent or a friend and let them know what is going on. Exactly what is going on and what this boy is doing. I mean if you think this is love, then I think you need a intervention, sounds like you are really manipulated/brainwashed by this creep. Tell someone. That is your best bet. I think you need people around you to really help you through this, open your eyes to how miserable this guy actually is, and how horribly he is actually treating you. Just tell someone. Anyone who you know cares about you. (Actually CARES about you. A friend, an aunt, a parent. Cause this guy? This guy does not give a sh*t about you). I hope you take my advice so you can stop this misery from going on any further. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sofirex  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 hii there! well i am in love too and i know that if he ever did anything to me i would forgive him. but there is a point were you loose yourself and who you are, and your boundaries should never be crossed. you are letting him do you whatever he wants, and that can happen in a loving relationship as you said. but i am sorry to say that i think he is cheating..:( i dont know for sure of course but from what it looks like, he doesnt respect where your line is crossed and unfortunately he walks all over it! dont be scared please, you have nothing to be afraid of, if he loves you truly he shouldnt want to sleep over in other girls beds and he wouldnt want to hurt you or make you uncomfortable, so ask him, and he will not be afraid to answer if he doesnt have anything to hide! go for it, it will save your relationship, remember communication, trust and respect are the keys for the perfect relationship of course love too!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Red flags everywhere.
This sleepover thing is weird. I guess she is not his very best friend from kindergarten right ? So why do they have to have sleepovers in a single bed ?
I would never think of sharing a single bed with a friend, male or female ( unless maybe if it were really an emergency, like my friend was home alone with a high fever or something ). Otherwise it simply is too close for comfort, if you are an adult you do not enjoy this kind of forced intimacy with a friend - UNLESS...
I can't advice you to break up at once, just based on this, because after all you never caught him red handed and you have no evidence, just suspicions. But perhaps from now on you should really keep your eyes open and your ears perked up. And see if incongruencies, omissions and white lies start accumulating.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Hi darling it sounds to me like this guy just cant be trusted if am honest with you, you have forgiven him twice in the past for his mistakes and am sorry to say this but this just makes him think he can walk all over you. Dont put up with it anymore.
Off course you dont want him spending the night at a females house, this is crossing the line and he should know that. He is being disrespectful calling you controlling for having this boundry and he shouldnt even have to question it.
Bring it up in conversation some day about this girl, ask him has he ever heard from that girl after she wanted him to sleep over, just make it sound casual and his answers should give you a clue if he is lying or not, if he does lie to you get out while you can dont be a doormat.
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