| A
male
age
51-59,
*rodieBruce
writes: I need help. First, the background. I met a girl the end of September, and we really hit it off. The end of October, we both said "I love you". She is mid to late 20's and I am mid 30's, there is 8 years between us.I decided to take her on a quick special trip for her birthday. She was all excited about it. While she was at a meeting, she left her phone with me. This was the evening we were leaving. I wanted to feed my ego, and see what she had been telling her best friend about me, and hopefully bragging about the trip. I figured since she text messages all the time, I'd see something. However, I found a guys name contstantly coming up. So I open one, and found her asking him if he missed her kisses. There were also other ones with playfull Grr's like she had sent to me.I didn't say anything to her, because I felt like I was a horrible person betraying her trust. I didn't want to say anything because if I did, I knew the relationship would be over. I could not stay away from her phone, and I looked again. This time she said she missed him. He had replied something to the effect that he would love to walk up to his car and find her there to excite him on the way home.At this point, I had a nickname for him, and I did a google search. I found his myspace account, and a message board he posted on. She had recently got a new car, and said I was the only other person to drive it, but on the message board he posted on, he said he had driven an ex-girlfriend car and proceeded to rate it.Things had been going well, but this last Saturday, she said she wanted to go out with her girlfriend instead of me. I told her ok, but I was dissapointed. Anyways, I told her to be carefull driving home and to call me so I knew she was safe, cause i knew they were going to the bar. She said sure. She never called me. I called her the next day, and she said she was in no condition to drive, and she spent the night at her girlfriends house. I said good because I didn't want her to get hurt.I went over to her house, and as she was showering, I found her phone, and checked it. I found that she sent him a message saying "I want you" and another one saying "I can come over, but I can't spend the night" I found another message to her friend saying "the story is I stayed at your place last night".At this point, I knew she had lied to me. I confronted her told her that I read her phone, said that I was the bad person for doing that. She then told me that she didn't know why she said she wanted him. That it was just words. She said she didnt feel comfortable to drive home so she slept on his couch. She said she did not sleep with him. She said that they dated for 2 years and broke up in 2003. she said they never had sex. She said she sometimes has a hard time closing books in her life. I told her that it would have to be closed, if ours was to stay open. She told me over and over again nothing happened. I asked why she didn't come to my place, or call me to pick her up, she said she didnt know why. I asked why she didn't stay at her friends house, and she said she doesnt like it there.She says she want to work through this, because she loves me so much. She only wants me, and wants to be with me forever. We talked that the bridge of trust has been broken, and will take time to mend. I love her so much. I had planned on asking her to marry me sometime this summer.When we were talking I indicated that I was going to end it, and she grabbed me and said no, I want to work this out, I live you so much. I told her she would hev to stop talking to him, and asked her if she could. She said she would have to. I again asked her later if she could do what was required to do, and she said yes.People I have talked to don't buy that she didnt sleep with him. I want to believe her. People say I should just end it. I sometimes feel like that, but then I think about the good times, and how much I love her, and I want to work through it.My heart is in shambles, and I am sick over this. I don't know what to do. I love her so much. I think about her all the time, even before this happened. Does anyone have any ideas what I should do?
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male
reader, BrodieBruce +, writes (16 January 2007):
BrodieBruce is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update to those who are curious.
Things are going well right now. We are getting along, and as far as I can tell, she has not had any contact with her ex-boyfriend. The trust bridge is being built back up, but it obviously will take time.
Right now, I feel like I have made the right decision. Who knows how I'll feel a few months from now. But right now, I think I have done the right thing.
Again, thanks to all of you who cared enough to help me and give me advice. You all are very special people.
A
female
reader, TDMB  +, writes (12 January 2007):
 Hi Brodie. What's the latest? How's it going? I think Dr Pete is right, you can but try - and right now you have nothing to lose. I'm going through a break-up at the moment and anything that takes the sick feeling away, even for an hour, is so appealing. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, BrodieBruce +, writes (5 January 2007):
BrodieBruce is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPete, what you just said couldn't be truer. My friends at work have told me they hate her for doing this, and I can see that, because part of me hates her for it too. However, my closest friend told me the only advice he could give me was to follow my heart, and that he could not tell me to stay or leave.The day after all this went down, my girl and I were talking. I told her, that we really couldn't rely on advice from our friends because they would automatically take sides. Which is what friends should do, and in my case has happened. She told me she hasn't told anyone yet, because she thought I had told her not to. I explained to her that she misunderstood what I had said, and if she wanted to, to go and talk to her friends. So, who knows if she has. My friends seem supportive to what I'm doing, and I know they will be there when or if I need them.I really hope it works out, but everything happens for a reason.Thanks to all!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): Hey, sometimes friends can give you a good insight in to something that can be beneficial and can "tell" if two people are not right for each other, but in situations like this, your friends are the worst people to give you any kind of advice on your relationship. I was in a similar situation to you once and most of my friends (apart from a good few who chose not to make any opinion whatsoever - [which, so it turns out was the best thing they could have done]) became very critical of my ex-girlfriend. They obviously took my side of things, even if I tried to explain it from her perspective, that seemed to hate her even more.Similarly, if your girlfriend tells her friends your situation, and includes the bits about your snooping, they are much more likely to take her side of the story.Very few people have the matureness, and insight to take in both perspectives and not give one-sided advice. When it comes to my friends, I either don't give them any advice or I tell them to stop being stupid and go and sort it out with their partners. The best advice you can give really. The same is for the Internet. Relationship advice is very difficult to give because no matter how much you try, you are telling a very one sided story. That is why most councellors refuse to do councelling involving marriage or relationships with only one of the couple - because often you have two entirely different stories that are told about the same event. It is the councellors task to try and bring common ground and eventually some kind of mutual understanding of what took place. You're on the right track though - just take each day as it comes, things in life have a tendancy to sort themselves out, and as one of my friends said recently "everything will be ok in the end, and if its not ok then it's not the end"All the best.
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A
male
reader, BrodieBruce +, writes (5 January 2007):
BrodieBruce is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. You don't know how much your advice means to me. I am taking it all to heart, along with my friends who are aware of the situation.
I am not going to do anything rash, I'm going to see how it goes. How it feels. So far, when we are out, we have a decent time, but I do feel a little different. I guess I'll see what a little bit of time brings out. Maybe all will be well, or maybe not.
You all are wonderful, caring people. Again, Thank you from the bottom of my healing heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): I agree with Pete. We can't dictate to you whether you should leave or stay. That is your decision and it's your life. All we can do is point out the possible mishaps that could or could not come your way and how we view what she has done. From your posting and what I read, you are willing to overlook the past and move on from here. If you do, you have to make it a fresh start or this issue could haunt for some time to come. But I have to tell you what I think about what she did to you. Just know, that whatever the lack of communication or problems that arose in your relationship, or whatever choice she made to to feel good about herself...this did not warrant her going out and looking for someone else. That does not mean she should be looking to cheat. Cheating on the one we love...does not just happen. It takes willful intent and some people do it, hoping they won't be caught. Just be glad you clued in and caught her. And you have to stop blaming yourself because you let your disappointment show, when she went out with friends. You did nothing wrong-do not carry that burden. Next time when problems crop up in your relationship, you insist she come to you and ...talk. Good luck, dear and I wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): BrodieBruce if you really want to give her another chance then go for it - make your decision and stick to it!
Make sure you talk about the issues once and for all.... and then don't bring them up again. Both make extra special time together and do really couply things. Long weekend together? put some romance in to the mix. You will quickly see if you two are doing the right thing.
All the best with whatever happens!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): Stop making excuses for her and stop believing her excuses. Time and space to herself shouldn't involve another man.
Leave her and with it will go the doubt. I don't want to have to read from you, 3 or 6 months down the road how she betrayed you and how much you are hurting.
Why do you want to believe her? Who does she represent? Did your Mother, Aunt, Cousin, or Sister abandon you when you were a child? Was Mom cool and distant and hardly gave you affection?
Be wise.
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, BrodieBruce +, writes (3 January 2007):
BrodieBruce is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the responses, they are enlightening. I guess my problem is, I keep thinking that she very well may be telling the truth. And if thats the case, we could stay togther and mend the trust bridge. I asked her how she would feel if the roles were reversed. She said she would feel probably the same, but she said she would believe me that nothing hapened, because she knows me and loves me so.
Also, I just got another message from her. It said: "I want you to understand when I want space. and I dont want to feel locked down. I want to be happy in our relationship. Maybe that is why I just didnt want to call you that night" Since day 1 of our relationship, she has said she didnt want to be like all her friends and start blowing her friends off like they have done to her. I never pressured her to be with me, but I suppose, when she told me she wanted to go out with her friends, I was sad a dissapointed, and she could see that in my face.
I want to give her another chance. What we had/have is so wonderful, except for what just has happened, that I feel it is worth an attempt to salvage what remains.
Again, thanks so much for the responses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): She is a liar and you are an idiot for fooling for her crocodile tears and desperate "but I love yous"
Of course she has slept with him, of course she is still lying to you.
I've seen someone plead, beg, cry their eyes out, saying how much they love me and would never lie to me, only to find out, months later, they were actually lying. So some people can do easily put such a convincing act on.
You love her so your judgement is clouded, but your relationship seems to be well and truely over. Are you really such a weak-willed pathetic fool you're going to allow her to talk you round in to staying with her - do you not have any self-respect?
Deal with it and move on, the sooner the better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): It wasn't just words; give me a break...can't stay the night?
Don't trust her because she is still feeding you lies.
Just break it off and meet someone else. Staying with someone who isn't trustworthy means she is an attractive woman and good in bed...what other reasons are there as she is a LIAR?
You could never trust her completely unless she changed her ways...and I doubt she did.
Move on.
Deal and Heal.
Then find somoone who can appreciate a good and loving man.
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, BrodieBruce +, writes (3 January 2007):
BrodieBruce is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate, we talked about it again, and she still maintains that she did nothing with him. She doesn't know why she said she wanted him. She wants to work things out. She sent me 2 messages after I saw her at work. 1: "Do you really want to walk away? I dont and I dont know how to prove to you i'd never do something so thoughtless and stupid again." 2:"I love you and I dont know how to tell you how sorry I am. I was stupid. No words can express how`bad I acted."
What should I do? This all seems so truthfull. How can I get past what has happened?
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A
male
reader, BrodieBruce +, writes (3 January 2007):
BrodieBruce is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to those who have helped. Dosent' everyone deseve a second chance? I want to , but the pain in side me is sickning. I don't want to end it, but I am feeling more and more like there is no other alternative.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (3 January 2007):
 Hi there,
I can never understand people hiding there text messages. If there not up to anything why would you care if your partner reads them, because they usually are hiding something, as you have found out. And as for breaking trust, does she deserve being trusted, not in my mind. I feel desparatly sorry for you, it must have hurt like hell to find out these things. But I really dont think you should let her turn the tables on you, just because you looked through her phone.
I think you have to exept that is more than likely that your girlfriend slept with this other guy. She can make excuses for her behavior, but she has lied all along, so you have to take a long hard think about if you can rebuild this relationship.
Nobody can Guarantee that life will be easy, no matter what your decission is. But if she has lied this much, can you ever trust her again.
I really hope whatever you do, you will be happy XX
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 What you did was wrong, checking the phone etc. However, what she did was W R O N G. She can point fingers at you for snooping and she'd be correct but.....she can't deny the rest. Sleeping on the couch, I really doubt it. You're looking for ways to make this work in your head. The only way to make it work would be to forget and forgive. What you have to accept is that it probably happened. She was cheating and telling you lies. Those facts won't change.
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A
male
reader, tallbloke +, writes (3 January 2007):
I have to concur with the other guys here.
Leave her for a few months at least, perhaps it'll teach her a lesson, perhaps not.
Dump her for now, date other women although it'll be tough, it might be the best thing you can do.
The thing I really don't like is the fact that she can act to be in love with you and yet cheat on you. That shows a high level of deviousness which would scare the hell out of me :( Normally you'd be able to tell if something wasn't quite right.
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A
female
reader, TDMB +, writes (3 January 2007):
Hi there,
I saw that you had only had replies from guys and thought a female perspective might help. First thing I must say though is that there is NEVER any excuse for reading someone's text messages. I had a boyfriend that did that and i fel totally betrayed. They are private and our conversations with our girlfriends help us get through the day, they also do not necessarily always give a true reflection of any situation. You betrayed her trust as well . . .
OK, lecture over. Bottom line here is that she obviously loves you but is finding it hard to let go of the past. Do you know who ended her previous relationship? If it was him, then any later interest is always going to turn her head even if she doesn't love him any more. It's hard to tell whether she did sleep with him or not but my guess is she probably did. Even so, it doesn't necessarily have to be the end of things. I remember once sleeping with an ex just one last time after I had met someone else. I told him in the end and we worked through it but it was hard. My reason at the time was that I was drunk and I started to remember all the good times and the shared history, so when he (the ex) showed interest it was almost a case of seeing if I really had got him out of my system, or I always would have wondered. It worked a treat as I relaised I had totally got over him and I never looked back or even thought about doing it again. I called it 'dragon slaying'. Not sure if that's the case here but it might me.
What you need to do it to assume the worst and decide whether you can forgive her anyway. If she really loves you it could have been a one-off and to be honest, you can't tell her not to have anything to do with him again, it has to be her decision. If she wants to be with you she will sort herself out now. But certainly if you can prove she does it a second time then you have to walk away. But you can't go looking at her text messages again!
As to your ongoing trust issues, she is going to be naturally suspicious of you and will go to great lengths to take her phone with her wherever she goes (even to the loo!) and not leave it on the table. This may well but just because she has texts on there to friends about you (good stuff) or whatever, but you will instantly assume the worst and there's no easy answer to that. You just have to accept that you broke her trust and she is bound to think you will do it again.
Anyway, goos luck. If she really loves you and wants to me with you I'm sure she will sort herself out - but don't rush into marriage for a while - oh yes, and don't keep discussing it over and over. Try to get back to normal life and remember why you enjoyed being together in the first place.
Hope that helps!
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A
male
reader, BrodieBruce +, writes (3 January 2007):
BrodieBruce is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe did go out with her girlfriend that night. I had talked with her, and heard her friend in the background at the bar. She did however leave the bar later that night to go see him. See brought up that they had never had sex in the 2 years they dated. I didn't ask, she just put it out there. She seems serious in wanting this realtionship to be repaired. I guess the things I'm having a hard time getting around is 1, she said she wanted him. 2, she said that she would come over to his house, but couldn't spend the night, and she told me she went there to specifically sleep on his couch. 3, I had repeatly told her if she got into a situation where she felt she was to drunk, to call me, I'd come get her no matter what, plus my place is just as convient and close as his is.
I don't want to let her go, but I hate the pain I have. I don't know if there is anything she can say or do, to help me get around this.
I just spent the last 2 hours packing up the items she has here. I still don't know what to do. I just felt like I should get ready. I don't want this to end. I love her so very much, and it is killing me inside.
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A
male
reader, soulmasseur +, writes (3 January 2007):
Well, you should be very careful with this. Use kid's gloves to handle it.
As you said, the trust between you two has been damaged and it takes a hell of long time to be right on the old track again. She's probably having confused feelings about her relationship with you and the one with her ex-bf haunting her because she has not cut herself off from her pervious life with the other guy as completely as she had to. 'It takes time' and you should let her clear her feelings out thoroughly. I guess you'd better treat this fairly and casually and be more supportive and encouraging.
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A
male
reader, Bigryan0301 +, writes (3 January 2007):
hell no... What i say is once a liar always a liar.. Women always do this....They act like they are going out with a there girlfriends but they go out with guys... like u said she told her friend the story was she stayed at her house....maybe she never went to the bar maybe she didi have sex with the guy
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Leave her if u let her walk over u she will do it agin u give them a inch they take a mile. They always say a man does not know how to treat a good woman well it works both ways.
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