A
female
age
51-59,
*ayann
writes:hi it's me again...well this Easter holiday my lovely bf of almost 1 year has decided to spend this holiday without me...he says manipulatively 'well hon you have plans with your family.' (which i asked him to join as he always does)he also states he will be doing something for his older children and their mom (who he is separated from but maintaining close contact with) however....since their mom is there for the sake of making problems I could not be there...i am so confused...he says he has no romantic stuff with her and he has introduced his daughters to me..i even spent thanksgiving there but...i was very specifically told by him i could not be there for Christmas because it would upset his daughters. We could not go on vacation at his timeshare in Florida because it would upset his daughters. because that is where they would vacation with their mom...i broke it off with him and he was very angry about this and hung up the phone on me saying I should be understanding and that he does not want to cause any regression with his kids. he said they like me 100% and they will make it miserable for us if he hurts their mom by not spending the day with her instead being with me. I told him but we are planning a future together does that cause them hurt? i spend lots of time with you..but i guess as long as it did not interfere with what they needed or wanted it was ok...very sad..sounds a bit creepy and weird..to be afraid of your own kids...idk...what do you think?
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female
reader, Mayann +, writes (9 May 2011):
Mayann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi I wanted to update you. he has been asking to meet with me to talk. i have told him how hurt and upset i am over this whole mess and he does not seem to want to see my pain. he has not apologized but did say he regretted what happened. when i have asked him to just be friends and get his act together he gets very angry with me. he still seems to be very angry at me. i would like to keep in touch and go out sometime since we got along well and enjoyed eachothers company but he is wanting more. i am struggling with him understanding we can just be friends and still do things togethr. he is just so mad and angry. he says hurtful things like i don't understand why he had to do what he did and y can't i understand him and be his gf again. i really don't understand why we could not discuss what WE were going to do for the holidays. i feel he did not respect me enough to talk about it. he is so mad and angry that i won't be is girl again. he said it bothers him to think of me with another man. I am so confused about his displaced anger. is he really angry at himself or what? i just want to be happy with him as friends and get past this.
A
female
reader, Mayann +, writes (3 May 2011):
Mayann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you dirtball...lol...i love that name..well i agree i did not think i would feel as relieved as i do...it was bothering me all along that he was married...and this explains why his dtrs did not come out of their rooms to play with my son or greet me...they were prob uneasy about this whole situation...i knew something was up but could not put my finger on it...i am so glad now to have made this decision..but so deeply miss the love he used to give to me everyday..calling me two to three times a day..n textng I love you..most of all he gave great advice and supported me on everything.i agree he still loves her and needs to get over that...he denied having any feelings. wow things are coming to me now...he would put cards that i gave him in the back or away so whoever was there could not see them..i asked him y and he said he did not realize he was doing that...he did stop doing that and actually put a pic of me front and center since then..I still can't wrap my head around y he had to put me out of the pic on Easter ( well his kids mom was visiting from PA) and y it would cause a problem since it is known we are dating...unless it is the obvious..that he does have something going on with her still and i was just there to make her jealous, or keep him company and have fun with..well too bad. It will be hard for me to trust..I hate getting used like that..:(..but i guess the way of the world and i have to protect myself.thank you for all ur support..i will keep u posted..
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (2 May 2011):
 At least you know where you stand and you can start moving on.
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A
female
reader, Mayann +, writes (2 May 2011):
Mayann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust an update...we are not talking and he has asked me to delete his numbers and contacts. he said this is for the best since he cares so much it hurts him to think i am having fun or even dating anyone..he corrected me in saying that the kids would not be upset about spending any time with me on the holiday, he said they would be upset if their mom was not part of the party at his house. i agreed. i did have a problem with that, my issue was how he went about it..he was not upfront...instead he made excuses for it, that why we needed to spend the day apart. now i am the one who should be upset and instead he is...i was willing to be friends til he gets through this. he did not even say he bought me flowers or anything for Easter holiday like i never existed...
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A
female
reader, Mayann +, writes (27 April 2011):
Mayann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow it seems i am being way misunderstood by some readers but good to know opinions from both sides...i felt ths way when he said he was married and I told him we should date when ur divorce is over..he said we are living in two diff states so not to worry and she knows so not hiding anything...i said 'still ur married and that will be a process.'
i am jus glad i broke it off. i feel so relieved to be free of this drama even with older kids...it has been ridiculous.
yes it is good he is kind hearted but at his own expense and freedom to live his own life...so be it. this makes him very happy to make them happy so now i realized this i need to back away. it is not selfish it is the reality that i am with a man who has unfinished business and a man who is not allowed to move on...can't u see that...he is not available to be dating seriously if it bothers anyone...
i don't understand y some folks aren't seeing this. there should not be any issue with dating at such a late age for his kids or him and i...lol. I understand his situation and have called him on several times but he said i was wrong in my interpretation of his family dynamics but no i was right on target and should have listened.
now he agrees to the break up and says it will all be over next week when she signs the papers....i laughed at him and said ur situation will not be over for a long tme to come and he should get help in realizing that.he thinks he is leading me on so he can have what he wants but not thinking of it hurting me whom he is trying to keep in his life where there are complications to doing that, clearly.
so i made it clear this time taht he will need to be divorced 'with the ink dried'...lol....b4 we can date seriously again. he was asking if i will stay single for him..i mean, come on, this is too much....i hope to meet someone who will make me feel as special as he did with me but without the hidden problems...so sad how he was able to keep that from me..i also feel for him he is in tight spot but this is what happens when you don't deal with your problems when you start opening doors..
Anonymous the last two:thank you for ur words. I agree completely and this is y i agree to date him last year...but apparently i was misled but lesson learned..:(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): The key issue here is that he is still a married man.
His wife still holds a special place in his heart and he doesn't want to hurt her. His emotional ties to his wife runs very deep.
A piece of divorced signed papers will not end his relationship with his wife. They share 2 kids and the emotional bond goes back years. He is also very sensitive t his wifes feelings therefore he doesn't want you around on Good Days. Somehow he knows that if u were around, and being as insensitive and insecure as you are, you will hurt the women in his life whom he loves unconditionally.
You have only one year with him, his daughters and his wife has a lifetime invested in him.
A difficult situation, perhaps u need to know your place and only come out after the divorce??
Perhaps end your affair and wait until the ink is dried on his divorce before trying again?
I do not have the answers but one thing I do know: your goose is cooked if you come between his wife and daughters and if you make him choose, them or you. Be wise!
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Is he having a laugh. His children are adults. Since when have 20+ year olds needed daddy for hols. I think this gut likes being the number one big man in their lives. He doesn't seem to have a backbone with them or his ex. Imagine the drama if they were children. Not sure what yoy should do here. Sounds like he needs a divorce and to move on and stop hiding behind his very grown up daughters and ex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Well if you ask me the first problem is the fact that he's only "separated" from their Mom and not divorced yet. So he's living a lie to everyone, including himself. Which world does he plan to make permanent? He can't keep ping-ponging between love shacks forever. And once the divorce is done his kids will understand why he's not spending time with their Mom and they should adjust and accept from there. In the meantime the waters are very muddy in this triangle and for all you know the kids are not aware that he's "romantically" involved with you, or that he no longer loves their Mom....Or does he?
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A
female
reader, Mayann +, writes (27 April 2011):
Mayann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto MamaBear and Flowerx: wow...i guess I am wrong but i thought i was just being a gf who was not feeling so important. this happened at Christmas as well and i was understanding but this tme it bothered me. maybe the way he approached so beatin around the bush with it instead of being honest from the start. or that it is becoming a pattern and im seeing it for what it is and I am hurt.
so what is the rational here...he should not spend holidays or special days with me until he is divorced and do you really think this is a matter of paperwork? r we saying as woman that this is acceptable to put his current gf aside...ah for how long? so am i only good for when nothing special is going on? is that what u r saying?
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A
female
reader, Mayann +, writes (26 April 2011):
Mayann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, i agree people should put their kids first and I am not by any means asking that he not do that...what age do you consider fully grown?i think anyone who is dating someone doesnt put her/him to the side because it will suddenly hurt the children. that says to me something else is going on b/c life goes on and people meet new people and they work out the kinks. I don't agree that you cater to kids adjustments like this because it is not healthy for them...or you.i do not think i am being selfish i am being assertive and saying if you can't be with me on a holiday after we have been dating one year and ur kids are not ready to accept me as your gf than that is telling me their is a problem. I did the right thing because he needs to work out the issues he is quite clearly having. Actually i think these issues may never be resolved if 'his kids are controlling how he spends his time....I did also say one child still lives with him so far as time goes you are off base. You were not as harsh as you were misunderstanding me as a woman.
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A
female
reader, matureflowerx  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 If he won't even introduce you to his ex then maybe there is something else going on. I think your friend might have a point. If his children are grown and mature enough to understand that he is seeing someone then there is definetly more to his story.
Does his ex know how serious your relationship was? I think you made the best decision to be apart until his divorce is finalised.
I think you should listen to your friend.
I hope everything works out for you even if that means moving on without him.
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A
female
reader, MamaBear +, writes (26 April 2011):
To Matureflowerx: Your feedback was excellent, truthful - and not too harsh. I said similar info. Now, if this gal just heeds our feedback I think she may enjoy her relationship with the guy. But, I think she needs to move on and find someone who is available!. MamaBeaar
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A
female
reader, MamaBear +, writes (26 April 2011):
To Matureflowerx: Your feedback was excellent, truthful - and not too harsh. I said similar info. Now, if this gal just heeds our feedback I think she may enjoy her relationship with the guy. But, I think she needs to move on and find someone who is available!. MamaBeaar
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A
female
reader, Mayann +, writes (26 April 2011):
Mayann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree i love this about him..he is great parent but some i think is guilt or fear to upset them. he said they go into rages..i also agree he needs to be divorced and we discussed at this point to not date anymore till he is single..so we will c. his dtrs are 20 and 22. the 20 year old still lives at home and just got her GED working on getting her lic and job. he has custody and this is their second divorce.she lives in PA he in NY. i like that he puts mama first but i think if divorce is on the way and they live separately where do you draw the line and move forward with life.
he said the same about raising them til they are out on their own. I feel this relationship is more emotional not jus a piece of paper binding them b/c if that was the case she would not be there at his home they would be at the 22 year old's house doing Easter. I only asked he spend part of the day with me or introduce me....we are dating and spending time together in front of the kids so ....
how does that look...than all of a sudden things are switched up due to holiday and mom visiting.I think more then that is going on here...i did not pursue him..he came after me as if he was single..i had to dig to get info...
my friend thought he was still involved in the marriage and making her jealous with me and other woman he dated b4 me.
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A
female
reader, Mayann +, writes (26 April 2011):
Mayann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe stated exactly what you said about putting my needs first if that is what i needed to do. It felt like the right thing b/c he was basically telling me i was not that important to consider my feelings on this holiday. all year he led me to believe i was important and was talking engagement but this event opened my eyes. as for the divorce, he said he was hoping she would sign the papers while she was visiting from PA. His 22 said she was glad not to be in the middle knowing i was not going to be there. they have been separated for 2 years this November. I get this that he is still married and i broke it off with him twice before over that and he would get very upset and it would bother me. I asked him to be friends till he can be freely available for dating. he agreed but we were back together...i had to really dig to see what was really going on. he says that when the divorce is final things will be different and i explained that these incidences sound more emotional rather than legal. he has custody since this is their second divorce. she was found unfit due to drug issues and forging his name on legal financial documents for 20,000. he calls her about everything with the girls even though they are 20 and 22 years old..
thank you for your answer it opened my eyes further and confirm my feelings that i had from the beginning. I even said lets chill til you r divorced and he said well it is a matter of her signing the papers and its mutual and uncontested so no big deal...i did not agree but since i was never in divorce court i did not know how it worked.
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A
female
reader, matureflowerx +, writes (26 April 2011):
I believe that a parent should ALWAYS put their children first (unless they are fully grown and have children of their own). I have great respect for this man continuing to see his children and wanting to make them happy. You should accept that and not be so selfish and understand that they don't see their father as often as you do so would cherish their time with him more. And if that is without you then so be it. You cannot micro manage his time. I find that you are the one being unfair not him. He is just doing the right thing and for you to think that is "creepy" is absurd and leads me to believe that maybe you didn't have a close relationship with your father which is a shame but you do not have the right to control and dictate when he sees his childern and impose yourself on their family time. Sorry if I am being harsh I just think you are being very selfish and putting your own needs before his children which for someone of your age is very childish and a highly unatractive quality in a partner.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (26 April 2011):
I think you put your needs first, and that's what you needed to do. It is understandable that he wants to keep things as happy as possible with his kids, but there comes a point where they can be manipulating him too.
The truth is, he's separated, but not divorced yet. This also doesn't bode well for you. Why isn't the divorce final?
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A
female
reader, MamaBear +, writes (26 April 2011):
You did not mention the ages of his children. But I admire him for wanting to be a part of their lives - some men are absent in their children's lives. The hand writing is on the wall, as I see it. If he is only separated from the mother, then he really isn't free to have you in his life. These children will always be the #1 choice for him until they are raised. Does he and their mother have an agreement concerning who gets the children on a holiday? If he were divorced, this would all be spelled out. You would know exactly what holiday and when. As it is, you will be second in line until they are raised to adulthood. I am certain they like you - but want their dad 100% to themselves when they vacation. Seriously, consider if you want to play second fiddle till the daughters are grown. In the meantime, I'd look around for someone who does not have so much baggage. If you choose to stay in the relationships with this man, clearly understand your role, the role of the daughters, and the strong hand that their mother has!
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