A
female
age
30-35,
*hreshtha20
writes:Dear Agony Aunt,I'm a 18 yr old girl in love with an 24 yr old guy. We met on a social networking site but havent met each other personally as we both stay in different cities in the same country though. Our's is a very clichèd tale but unfortunately with a twist. We hit it off very well immediately and in less than a week became the best of buddies. We were what everybody would call inseparable. Eventually, love followed and we never realised when our feelings for each other changed from "best friends" to "something special". Now you must be wondering whats wrong with us. As I said, there's a twist. Although we love each other, we cannot be in a relationship together and marriage is just taboo. The reason being we are from different castes-he is from a hardcore Muslim family and i'm from a hardcore Hindu family. So definitely our parents just wont agree. Now here's the catch, he tells me although he loves me he just cant go against his parents wishes. Neither will he fight them or force them for our marriage. I'm really depressed. I seriously dont know what to do. I'm sooo addicted to this guy i simply cannot imagine my life without him ..Please help meDamsel in distress
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 August 2011):
 @krit: I suspect you are pulling my leg and benevolently making fun of me :) - but tks any way for the appreciation. No, I don't have all these PHDs but- the best teacher is always hands on life experience and , having a Muslim ex , and quite a few Muslim friends, I am sure of what I am talking about. Plus, there are always Bollywood movies,lol. I mean, it's common knowledge, EVERYBODY- but our OP ? - knows that a Muslim can't marry a Hindu. Or, he can - but he would have to give up his religion and social identity and family ties, which is a sacrifice ,I suppose, only justified by an overwhelming , fearless passion, of which I don't see trace in our OP's story.
OP, unluckily yours is a pipe dream, and the sooner you accept it, the less you'll get hurt. There is no way, alas, to avoid hurt- but you can try to minimize damage.
A
male
reader, krit +, writes (19 August 2011):
 Just to add to that---
Cindy had given some quite amazing replies as usual.
It seems like she has done PHD in human phsycology and religions AND cultures AND world economics AND politics. Hehe
Even wikipedia comes down to it's keens when she speaks so take it from her if not me. It's 9/10 correct so don't mess your head and take some strong decisions now and learn from your mistakes. It's best way to get good at something which you can't get hold off.
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A
male
reader, krit +, writes (19 August 2011):
Reading your post it's quite clear that you are in LOVE with idea of being in love. Good for the moment but it would take you nowhere. You did the right thing by moving on but getting head over heels for the anyone you meet or even haven't met is Insane. You can't stay in this loovey doovey state forever. Love takes time to nourish itself .So you need to figure out yourself first before anyone one else.And saying " I can't live without him and I'm addicted to him " too early and without knowing the person inside out is foolish.All people try or want to be their best in begning of any relationship. So it's only after certain amout of time spent with them we could jump to the conclusion that we could be with them in all good and bad let alone getting married. So Why to hurry??? It only backfire us with breaking our hopes and leaving us more hurt. And this applies to all, NO MATTER which religon or cast or country you belong to.
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A
female
reader, shreshtha20 +, writes (18 August 2011):
shreshtha20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, here's a confession ..I found out that my guy was involved in some cheap talk with some girl online. He tried denying it but later on came up with the truth. I was hell mad at him. And recently I met one of my very close friend who loves me alot and we ended up kissing and making out with each other. I stopped him immediately before we could go any further. All the while I was thinking just about my guy. I dont know why it happened and now this guilt is killing me inside every passing second. I really dont know what to do. I love my guy A LOT and simply cant imagine my life without him ..Please help ..
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 July 2011):
You are asking the wrong question.
The right question is not "What does he want from me ? " but, " What do I want from him ? ".
Think it over , then you decide.
Do you want a platonic penpal ? Do you want to play Romeo and Juliet for a bit more, and feed off all the drama excitement and turmoil that this brings in your probably not too eventful life ?. Then it's ok. No harm done in exchanging friendly emails- or keep dreaming a few more months.
Do you want a real boyfriend, do you want some day getting engaged then married and have a family ? Then let him go, he told you dozen of times this is not going to happen, why is this so hard to believe him ?
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A
female
reader, shreshtha20 +, writes (3 July 2011):
shreshtha20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs you know I've been in an on/off relationship with a guy. Now the last time I decided to end everything and walk away he begged me to stay and after some days I gave up and we got back together on one condition that he wont be repeating all this ever again. He promised me that he wouldnt. Days were going good as with each passing day he professed his love for me more and more, untill 4 days back. Last thursday we again had an arguement about a very inane thing and he turned it into his "religious" thingy once again, saying the same things like "I cant continue like this. I do love you and will talk to my parents about you when the time is appropriate but lets be friends untill we get married because I cant go sinning blindly. Just one day before this episode, he finally accepted that I'm his girlfriend [he never believed in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship cuz there's no such relationship in Islam] and told me that he wants me forever in his life as his wife. Even thursday afternoon we were having a very normal chat and he told he that he loves me and then this. I said ok and was behaving just like a normal friend with him. But then again he said I love you alot please dont treat me like this. I said dont blame me I'm just giving you what you asked for. Later that night while we were talking on the phone, I told him very firmly if you want me to be your friend I'll be just that for all your life and you dont need to talk to your parents about our marriage. And then he was like please try to understand my situation I want to get married to you but cannot keep sinning like this. That was the last time I spoke to him. He's been trying to contact me since yesterday, but I'm not returning any of his calls or texts. Last night he mailed me a link to a fatwa [ruling] which explained that a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship is considered "haram" and is prohibited in Islam.Now I really dont understand what to do or what he wants. The only time he realises this "religious" issues is when we have an arguement.What do I do now ?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 May 2011):
He wants to waste your time and make a fool out of you. He wants to have his cake and keep it too.
He may have real feelings of love for you, perhaps , ( I doubt it, because true love is not so selfish ) but he knows he is not going to marry you, and he knows he is not going to make your relationship official. You are gonna be his dirty little secret.
Your wishful thinking is making you "research" in the wrong places.
A Muslim can marry a non Muslim only if she belongs to the
people of the book : Christian and Jewish. A Muslim cannot marry a pagan- as they consider , for instance , a Hindu.
This prohibition has a direct base in Quran ( I think the sura is 221, but I could be wrong ) ,but also in all in the religious jurisprudence regulating wedding contracts ( marriage is a contract in Islam, not a sacrament ) and is considered non- negotiable, also by modern, reformist Islamic thinkers.
You should officially convert to Islam for his family to let him even consider marrying you. Are you ready to do that ? What about YOUR family , what 's their view about a Muslim daughter , converted for love ?
You would be much,much smarter letting go of this "relationship " ( a relationship in which you haven't ever met and don't know if you can meet ... ) because the more you drag it on , the more you'll feel hurt. Unless you manage to really grow a thick skin, and enjoy your romance in the here and now, without ever thinking about " after ", when he'll do what his family wants.
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A
female
reader, shreshtha20 +, writes (26 May 2011):
shreshtha20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, so as everybody advised me I accepted his decision to break up and quit talking to him for a day because I really needed time to be my normal self again. But he kept on calling me and texting me like crazy in that one day and when I spoke to him that night, he LITERALLY begged me to take him back ! Saying things like "I still love you", "You'll always be the most important person in my life", "Please can I come back to you ?", "I need you and I'm not complete without you." So I thought maybe things would get better, but I still didnt let him back and tell him I love him too and he kept on begging me to just tell him that I love him as well but I didnt I dont know why, maybe because I was hurt alot. But anyways, I thought I'll finally give him a last chance when suddenly the same "religious" issue came up. I've been doing some research on Islam in the past couple of days but I never came across a verse in Quran which forbids us to love, although yeah pre-marital sex is not allowed. I really dont understand what this guy wants. What should I do ? I really love him alot and just dont wanna let go of him. Please help me ASAP.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 May 2011):
He is not committment phobic in general, I think- he is just being practical and sensible and knows that in these conditions he cannot commit and your relationship cannot work.
LDRs only work if they are temporary , and there is a precise , feasible plan to be reunited and live together.
But this guy knows he'll end up marrying some girl picked by his parents, and does not want to waste your time alimenting in you false expectations.
Sure, he should never have gotten involved you in the first place, he should have simply let you alone sparing you the hurt and disappointment you are feeling now. But, who knows, perhaps he was in good faith, he was only looking for chats and friendship at first, then things changed in time.
You are clinging to him nails and teeth and that makes it worse for you and eventually will give you more pain.
It's not true that " love conquers all "- at least, not always.
How would you make that work, in practice ? You live far from each other, your family is hardcore Hindu, his is hardcore Muslim, his religion actually forbids him to marry a Hindu. Huge obstacles, not everybody has the Romeo and Juliet vocation, not everybody wants to fight against the world for love, and you can't blame them for that.
I think he is telling you : don't waste time on me, and don't have expectations because there can't be any.
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A
female
reader, shreshtha20 +, writes (23 May 2011):
shreshtha20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, so last night I spoke to him and he told me that he always wants me to be happy. I said "You know very well I cannot be happy without you so please dont make me say this again and again." Then he's like "Whats the use of this relationship when you are miles apart from me ?" And then today morning he said "I want you but I cant commit to anything."
Is he fearful that a long distance relationship wont work out or is he just commitment phobic ?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 May 2011):
It would only mean something if his parents or yours would strongly believe in Astrology , but...do they ?
Listen, leave astrology or destiny alone - our destiny is 90percent shaped by what we do, or omit to do.
He told you already- he is not going to fight for you and for your love. He won't choose you over his parents, he knows it and you know it too.
also, you have not even met in person, you only know about him what he wants you to know, you don't really know each other - this is a fantasy, a beautiful fantasy that gave you memorable happy moments. But perhaps you need to come back to reality on your own, before you crash against it and get badly hurt.
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A
female
reader, shreshtha20 +, writes (21 May 2011):
shreshtha20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm a cancer (born 20th July) and he is a pisces (born 14th July). Does this mean or indicate something ?
Please help
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 May 2011):
This guy is meesing up with your head. Maybe not on purpose, maybe just because he is so in love with you that wants to see as possible the impossible.
The fact, is , he can't marry you and he knows it very well ( And, living in India, I am surprised you don't know it / haven't thought about it ).
As a Muslim,he cannot marry you. He can only marry another Muslim, or someone from the "people of the book " ( monotheistic religions ) : Christians and Jews ( these marriages are not prohibited, even if they are frown upon ). But for marrying a Hindu, he would have to abiure ( give up ) his religion. And,let's say he is not a religious type, and he does not care - still, he would have to give up his whole family and community. He'd become a social outcast- and, who knows, maybe also the target for assaults by some die hard integralist Muslims.
He knows that , he is just biding his time, and refusing to face reality.
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A
female
reader, shreshtha20 +, writes (5 May 2011):
shreshtha20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really dont understand this guy. Cant figure out what he wants .. One night while we were talking on the phone, he made me promise him that I wouldnt ever leave him alone and then suddenly asked me to marry him ! Everything was going great and I thought maybe all that was just a nightmare and its finally over untill last night .. Yesterday he's like what we are doing isnt right because its forbidden in my religion. We should control ourselves and not speak like this (we used to make love over the phone at times). Cant we wait 'till we are married ? After our marriage we'll have our whole life to make love to each other. He tells me that I've absolutely no clue how much he loves me, that I mean everything to him, that I'm the most precious thing in his life, that he loves EVERTHING about me and then this denial. What am I supposed to do ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): "When i asked him the reason like why wouldn't your parents accept me ? So he's like because your lifestyle is totally different from mine and my parents are very conservative!" this different life style, he could have thought before trying with you,if he is telling now that your life style is different then it is very clear, he will not love you but you are trying, please don't go ahead with feelings otherwise you will get hurt.
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A
female
reader, shreshtha20 +, writes (6 April 2011):
shreshtha20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks folks for responding. Really appreciate it !Now here's the deal .. He hasnt told me downright no like he wouldnt ever tell his parents about me or something .. He's like i'll make them understand but if they dont agree, i simply cannot force them into something they dont wanna do .. And the same issue is gonna arise with my folks as well cuz my dad just completely HATES muslims .. So i'm pretty much in a mess .. But i'm not gonna let that bring me down .. When i asked him the reason like why wouldnt your parents accept me ? So he's like because your lifestyle is totally different from mine and my parents are very conservative ! What is my mistake if i was born into a hindu household and practically grew up living only in my denims ??I really dont know what this guy wants and i really cannot live without him ...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Similar story with me, he will never going to ask his parents he has no guts to talk his parent, If he really loves you, he will convince his parent but I am sure he will use you and leave you (I'm sorry but this is what happen with me as well as my friend Vishu)believe me its the time to stop it, otherwise you will going to face pain. In India it is always happening with similar castes with many girls, even if you you get marry with him, you have to convert yourself and that already, he might have told you I'm sure about it, they will never convert themselves but you have to, why hindu girls only why not muslim boys?
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A
male
reader, inhibited  +, writes (6 April 2011):
 If he is unwilling to fight his parents you should evaluate that.:- Does he love you as much as you love him?:- Are his values just fundermentally different to yours, could you be with someone so different for the rest of your life?:- Are you willing to come between him and his family?I am sorry you're depressed. Try and concentrate on what you do have. You said you were addicted, addictions are normally bad. Life long partners have a degree of "self" away from their partner in my experience it's how their partnership survives so long.
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A
female
reader, sneha09 +, writes (6 April 2011):
 Sometimes social networking sites and phones are not enough to decide your destiny.Mind that there are many relations which starts there and ends there too(though many bloom too).Since this guy is very clear in his view,I will suggest you not too take it further and do cut it here only.When a guy says these things either he lacks the courage or would not be able to control the situation or he is not that much into you.Though the last reason is much rude, its true in most cases and most prevalent.You will get much better partner in life but this one is not for you.
All the best.
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