A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About a month ago I was looking through my boyfriends online history and saw a lot of porn sites. I never knew that he watched porn but this knowledge didnt really bother me until I started checking his history on a daily basis and saw that he watched porn all the time, even when I would only leave the house for about an hour. Why can't he just wait to have sex with me? I am seeing this as him needing something else out of our sex life but when I ask him he says that our sex life is great and he can't get enough of me. He also loves my body and has no problems with that. I don't care that he's watching porn but it makes me insecure about myself and I am constantly trying to have sex with him just so he won't be going online. I'm starting to obsess over this. Please help me understand.
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female
reader, mylove_5757 +, writes (15 February 2007):
 i have been having the same problem. might i ask what you did? i have no clue what to do?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): hi, ok I just want to say I totally know how you feel, I think that anyone who looks at porn whilst in a relationship is very selfish, I also in the past came to this website asking for advice on my bf's porn habits on the internet, I was told it was normal, well since then he looks at it at any chance he gets, he hardly touches me, i get sex maybe once a month and lies all the time to hide it. he neglects his study and house duties and he neglects me.it wont get any better if you try and accept it. why cant guys get that looking at porn is not going to help your relationship, girls dont find it very appealing when the find a computer full of porn.
also i just wanted to add that if anyone says to you that men are more visual then women then that is a lie, I can say that its a lie because scientist's have done studies on men and women and have proven that "men being more visual then women is a lode of crap".
also another intresting fact about porn, is that a large percentage of the people in porn are currently or have been in abusive relationship. if you look at porn then your supporting abusive behaviour.
I dont understand how people can get off to stranges, all the while the person that loves them is hurting becasue of it, porn is sick and disgusting. next time you talk to ur b/f why not ask him, how can you get off to stranges that you dont even know ?aand you dont even know how old they are? sure websites say over 18+ but how do you know thats true? has he gone and asked the girl he is getting off to how old she is? for all he could know the so called 18 yr old he gets off to is really 12 years old. and dont say it does not happen because it does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): **You're not going nuts, but you might be looking into this too much. If he is using porn in moderation and nothing he does with and to you hinders your relationship with him, then as said, it's all really in your mind. However, if he neglects you, starts cybering with adult friend finder women, and emotionally takes advantage of you like so many of the other porn threads on DC, then yes, your 'issues' would be cause for furthering excavation and analyse. Alas, it is not so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): Well Ms. Anon, most guys (that I know) have different mental, emotional, and physical mechanics than women. Men are more visual, while women are more sensual. Men are more physical, while women are more emotional. The topic of porn has been a heated debate in many areas of the net, DC not being an exception.
I know it's not a good thing - porn that is. However, when I say it's not a good thing, I don't mean that porn as itself is a bad thing. Just that, for those in intimate relationships, porn can be a factor of furthering insecurities, decay of trust, adding to doubt, and of course - the ever so infamous feeling of being less.
I can go on about what porn is to the men that use them, and I can go on about moderation versus obsession, and I can go on about open communication and compromise, but ultimately, no matter what anyone ever says, only you can decide what you want to do based on how you feel. As aunts and uncles, we give you a perspective or perspectives, but we don't and we cannot truly feel what you feel, as we all differ slightly from our experiences and our collected-selves.
In short, Ms. Anon, what you really need I believe is just a friend or more to vent to. You're not going nutlooking into this too much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who responded, it was very helpful. Actually just to clarify, I did not mean initially to look at his history. There was a website that I was looking at and didn't know how to get back to so I decided to go into history... seemed like a good idea at the time, I wish I never did.
We did actually talk about it because I told him about the first time I saw the websites and that it really upset me. He said that he is absolutely happy with our sex life and that is just what he does to relax sometimes but I still feel like there is something he is not telling me. I have no reason not to trust him but I'm still obsessing. Am I just going nuts for absolutely no reason?
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (31 January 2007):
 I am guessing your bf is a similar age to yourself?
Look porn is normal for a lot of men and years ago it was magazines and the occasional videos depending on where you could get hold of them.
Now since the internet has exploded you can easily access all sorts of porn without even trying very hard.
Look don't obsess over this, if he asks you to do things with him that you don't feel comfortable with then that is the time to tell him.
Younger men normally have higher sex drives and the need to mastibate can be several times a day when he feels that it is easy to look at on screen and probably feels like this is his private time and also if you have sex regularly in any case this is not the deep meaningful sex he has with you but a quick time when you pop out so that he can have a built up release as such.
I was with someone for almost 20 years and pornography was always in our lives from day one and at first I didn't like it but I came to accept it and live with it but when after many years he wanted to do things that I was not comfortable with we realised that we had changed and so we were no longer compatible in many ways.
I must say though that for 15 of those 20 years our sex life was always great and so it all comes down to what you feel you can live with.
Don't keep checking up on him as this will make you go crazy as it is like checking his pockets waiting to catch him out and so it all comes down to whether you truly want to be with him or not and whether you can accept this part of his life right now i.e. porn?
If it is too much then you need to ask yourself what you want out of this relationship and talk to him and tell him what is upsetting you.
He may not even know that it bothers you and may be mortified if you tell him that you have been checking up on him.
You are the only one who knows what she wants from this relationship and you must talk to him to work it out.
I wish you all the very best of luck.
Here if you need an ear OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (31 January 2007):
 Guys are only human and I'm sure at one time or another they've all watched porn before. At least he has the decency to watch it when you're not there but you should never have checked out his history like that, that was naughty.
If you confront him about it then he'll know you've been checking up on him and all that will result from that will be a big argument so you can't do that. How does he make you insecure about yourself? Is it something he's doing or saying to you when you have sex together?
How long have you been together and when do you manage to sneak on to his PC and check his history? Email me back if you want me to continue to help you with this.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007): You should definitely look at other similar questions to give you a better idea. Ultimately, you can decide to A) compromise, B) work it out with your lover, or C) ditch him.
Those three are the most basic things you can choose from. Either you accept it, work it out, or leave him. Of course, it's not as easy as that, but not everyone woman or every man out there can accept their partner's porn habits. EVEN if we explain to you why he does this and that, it won't make you feel better. This is simply a relationship that you may not be compatible with.
You understand?
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