A
female
age
41-50,
*morMio
writes:Hi to everyone out there reading this. My question has to do with being in love with my bf but not willing to change who I am.To make myself a little more clearly I will tell you a little more about my problem. I been living for almost 11 months with my bf. Since we meet I told him that I had penpals, I like to drink and that my way of seeing life was the way I felt inside and nothing was going to change that.Now that we are together he has forbiden me from writing to my friends, drinking and wants me to change the way I am. And what I mean by the way I am is that I like freedom. Please don't think anything bad about this for my freedom is to have my old friends and make new ones, drink at home by myself or with him at parties and just be who I have always wanted to be. Before I came here to live with him I was living with my parents so you can imagine why now that I am not anywhere near them I want to be the real me. Which by the way I had already explain to him many times.He has told me that there was a big difference when I wasn't with him and that now that I am here he feels the need to protect me from everything even myself. I find this very annoying for I know what I want out of life and who I love and that is him and him alone. I am a good mother and a good wife/gf/lover and so on -to him. He has no complaints of anykind about how I treat him as long as I do what he tells me to do.So my question is should I give in and do as he says or stay firm on what I believe in and want out of life?I hope I am making some sense out of all this. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007): Nobody has any business trying to change or control another person. No matter what. Its a recipe for disaster. People need top be who they are.
A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (31 January 2007):
Be firm. You are who you are and he promised he wouldnt try to change you. He knew you wrote to friends when you got together, so he cant change that now. Dont let him change you, its not fair. If he wont listen to you when you tell him he knew who you were and he isnt being fair. Then tell him what to do, dont let him do the things he enjoys. To be honest, this just doesnt sound like a fair relationship. If he loved you he wouldnt do this to you. Be careful though, from what ive read i get a bad feeling about him. I really think you should try and make other living arangements or leave him. Hes trying to control yoour every move for goodness sake. How long before he turns on you. Message me if you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007): Hello,If your behaviour pretty normal stuff, just having fun occasionally - I think you probably have a good idea if he needs to tell you if your behaviour was out of line or not and whether he is doing it to help you Or control you. I get the feeling that you do feel he is controling. Please watch for warning signs of an abusive relationship.-frequent blame or critizism-blaming you for his critizism or abuse-keep you from seeing family or friends, or going to work or school-threaten you-threaten to kick you out or leave-get angry when something is not done his way or if you pay attention to something or someone else-not allow you to sleep or wake you to fight-take away car keys, money or credit cards-spread rumours about you or tell people that you are crazy-frequently check up on you-threaten to commit suicide-embarrass you in front of people-minimize or deny being controlling/abusive-abuse your children-abuse animals-use drugs or alcohol to excuse his behaviour-control the bank accounts,credit cards,cash, etc.-refuse to put your name on joint assets-refuse to let you work or get a job-refuse to pay bills-cause you to lose you job-pressure you to have sex or do things that make you uncomfortable or hurt-accuse you of wanting to have sex with others-threaten to disclose your relationship if you don't want it known-use your children to relay negative messages to you (Mommy is a fat pig, etc.)-threaten to take your children away-make false reports to authorities aboout you-push, slap,shove or punch you-kick, choke or bit you-tie you up, physically restrain you or prevent you from leaving an area-throw obejects or destroy property-disregard your needs when you are ill, injured or pregnantIf you have answered yes to many of these questions or are concerned about the level of abuse that you have recieved, you may want to enlist the help of a local Family Shelter service. I hope that this is not the case here and that you ae okay, Take care. x
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A
female
reader, AmorMio +, writes (31 January 2007):
AmorMio is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again. About the part of me drinking actually I have never gotten drunk. My drinking is having one wine cooler when I am at home or drinking a beer when ever we are both at a friends party which by the way are mostly family parties not like bar type or anything that wild. And about the friends all of them are far from us as far as Texas so I don't really have much contact with them only by mail and sometimes by phone.He has said that he doesn't want me to talk to any of them because I might just get an idea of leaving him for someone else and I have told him that if that were really the case then he would have to worry also about our neighbors since I say hi to them or they say hi to me every once in a while.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (31 January 2007):
 hello
you are making a lot of sense. i dont think changing yourself to suit your bf standards is the way to go. u said he said he wants to protect you from yourself my question is what is it that you do after getting drunk? do you embarass yourself or neglet your child? if there is nothing that gets out of hand i think your bf is overreacting and i suppose if this is the case between you guys maybe you are just not compatible because you have explained yourself why you do what u do and how you do it makes you happy and he was suppose to have seen that by now, you treat him with so much love and respect yet he is still not happy with what u are giving him so i dont think changing yourself will make a difference it will make him control you even more that you will end up loosing perspective of who you are.
do you spend most of the time with your friends than him? if yes maybe he feels threatened which means just reassure him that you love him and only him your friends are just your friends and both of them have different meaning into your life. if it doesnt work maybe u have mixed up with a control freak and you will have to decide whether you want let him be your remote controller for this to work or you will want to live your life the way you see it fit. hope this helps
jovial
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