A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband wants to sell our house and move to another town to live in a rented apartment in order to free money to send his child from his first marriage to a prestigious school there. He is self- employed so will be able to work anywhere. I don’t want to leave our home or hometown, my family and friends are here and my company is unable to give me a transfer, so I’ll have to find another job as my husband will not be able to support us on his own because of the higher school fees.He tells me that if I had a child I would understand why he would be motivated to do this, because he wants the best for his child and wants to be with him. Well I don’t have children so I guess I can’t understand. We were going to try for a child but he put it off because he said he was busy with his work and his child’s activities and wanted to wait until things settled down.He’s the one with the child, so everything gets done to accommodate that fact. I’m the one without kids, so I have to fit in with his plans, even if it means leaving my own home and job and family. He says he loves me and he wants us to stay together, but I know he will leave me behind for the sake of his child if that is what it comes to.Why did he marry me if my wishes and concerns mean nothing to him?I feel undervalued and unappreciated and I feel powerless in this relationship.Should I go along with this and remain for the sake of our marriage? After all, the child will eventually finish school and grow up and go his own way. I don’t want to end up bitter and full of regrets.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): "How are children supposed to learn to respect others and appreciate the true value of sacrifice and reward if they’ve been brainwashed into believing they are more important than everyone else?"exactly. I think the surest way to raise an entitled spoiled brat is to have all the adults in that child's life revolving their lives around him/her, and forcing others to do the same. I don't think this is actually a good thing for the kids. When they grow up and go into the real world, where things don't revolve around them, they fall apart.I'm a remarried parent, whose wife is the step-mother of my kids. While my wife understands and respects my parental needs and duties, I still consult her. we are a family - she is their step mother. she loves them, takes care of them, and they love her. Decisions involving my kids are family decisions and my wife is part of that family. I would not dream of making unilateral decisions that impact my wife's life, just because the kids are blood-related to me but not to her. Also the issue is not whether child trumps marriage. (if it's a blanket rule that it should be this way, then why do people bother to get married at all? Since once children come along, is the marriage expected to go to hell)The issue is that your husband is giving you no say in major life decisions that affect you. I'm sure that if he gave you a say and was willing to work out a compromise rather than setting all the terms and conditions for how your joint lives (financial lives, social lives) are to be spent, you'd be more willing to make sacrifices in your life for his child. But it's 'nice' to be given a say in your own life and to be given the choice to make that sacrifice, rather than assumed that you will give your life over to his decisions, right?? Also what if you had kids with him at some point. Then who will come first? his first child, his children with you, who??clearly the point is that there has to be give and take in a family. Not that "children always trumps spouse"....some times you sacrifice for this person, some times the other person sacrifices for you. Not that one person is always put above everyone else. if your husband wants your life to revolve around his child, then he shouldn't have married you. he doesn't want a wife, he wants a live-in maid with benefits.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): "But as a single father, I can tell you that if I did marry, and my wife wanted to come between me and my kids in any way, she'd be gone in a heart beat. "
well then probably you should not get married in the first place. You have no room in your life for any one else besides your kids?
I mean, otherwise, to remarry is basically saying "let's get married....but the part of the wedding vows about 'for better or worse' only applies to you not to me, because I have someone else more important in my life than you, and who I will always put ahead of you, and you don't get a say in it. But let's get married anyway."
if you had kids with your current wife/husband, then you can both agree to put the kids ahead of each other so you're both equal and no one feels unfairly shunned. if your wife/husband has their own kids from a previous relationship, then you can both agree that everyone's biological kids are a priority over the marriage relationship.
But it's unfair to your wife/husband if you put your kids ahead of them but they are not doing the same and putting anyone ahead of you.
so I guess the solution is to remain a single parent. And, for anyone who doesn't have kids, to not marry someone who's a single parent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): I disagree with the "child always comes first, marriage always comes second" philosophy.
a 'child centered marriage' is an unhealthy thing, even if both spouses share the child biologically.
A marriage that is unequal - REGARDLESS OF REASON - is unhealthy.
It could be that he should not be married, if his life centers around his child.
If other people here feel that this guy's life should center around his child and his marriage should always be sacrificed for his child, then they are essentially saying that this guy should not have re-married to anyone.
just sticking it out while nothing changes, isn't the long term solution. if the dynamic in your marriage is that everything revolves around the child, this doesn't change even after the child grows up and becomes an adult. Adult children can still be very needy.
I mean, of course children's interest must come first most of the time, but ALL of the time? This is where marriages - even where both spouses biologically share the same children - fall apart, because the marriage relationship is neglected.
your marriage is an unequal marriage because your husband gets the final say in everything. Whether the reason is because the child is his child and not yours, or whatever, is beside the point. The point is that this is an unhealthy marriage and it has nothign to do with the child, it has to do with your husband wanting to get his way on everything. He just so happens to pull the "but it's my kid not yours" card.
And what if you and your husband now have your own biological child together. will your husband neglect your new child for his previous one? If not, then why would it be OK for him to sacrifice something with his first child, for his new one, if it's not OK to do the same for his marriage?
He is married to you, he's not married to his child. even if you and him had kids together, you are not married to your kids, you are married to your spouse.
If he didn't want to be a marriage partner - which means making some sacrifices for the marriage and taking one's spouse's needs into consideration - then he shouldn't have married you or anyone for that matter. he should remain a single parent, if his idea of combining marriage and parenting is to just automatically sacrifice the marriage.
Again, he is not just a father, he's also a husband. Why did he get married if he didn't want or expect to accommodate his wife's needs and wants?
even in intact biological-based families (where both parents live together in the same house as their biological children), a "child centered marriage" is an unhealthy thing. This is where one spouse resents not so much the child, but the other spouse for neglecting their relationship because kid-stuff has taken over. This is when marriages fall apart and people get divorced. (and then eventually remarry and put their new marriages on the back burner....)
It's not because of the child, it's because one spouse has chosen to neglect the other and can't keep their balance in perspective.
In the case of both spouses sharing a biological child, the neglected spouse gets sympathy from outsiders for feeling neglected because the neglected spouse also is the child's biological parent, so no one judges them for feeling neglected because it's assumed that they are every bit as involved with the child's life as the partner who is doing the neglecting.
But in your situation where the child is not your biological child, then all the judgment gets heaped on you. People shame you and blame you for wanting to be an equal partner in your own marriage. This hypocrisy is annoying to say the least.
Anyway, what to do? Look back on the history of your marriage. If you can honestly say that your husband has done his share to accommodate your needs and wants, then you could owe him this one. But if the history of your marriage is him always putting his child's needs ahead of yours, then I dont' think you should remain married to him because he's clearly not ready to be in a marriage, he just wants someone to play a support role his personal life which doesn't include you.
Maybe your husband just doesn't know how to juggle parenting and marriage. You could suggest seeing a family therapist. Otherwise, I personally would reconsider if this marriage shouldn't be kept together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): My answer is simple --- When I first saw your question, I thought I knew what my response would be but then I read on and I think it is crazy to expect you to turn your life upside down to send his child to a PRESTIGIOUS school. This is not a necessity, it is a luxury. I am of the school of thought that kids do come first, but this is over the top. I firmly believe in loving your children and spending quality time with them, but this can be done without any money and without additional financial stress. Certainly, children should come first, but this situation places you at the absolute bottom of the totem pole. You want to start a family of your own together, but he doesn't seem to care about what you want at all. He is creating a situation to breed resentment and animosity. I think your needs should be considered more. He is trying to help his child to his and your detriment. We see this all the time with parents who buy their kids clothing that they cant afford because they must have a certain brand name and so on. I guess one thing that I wonder in all of this is ---- Does his child truly appreciate all of his dad's efforts and yours? or is it almost expected? Can this education be attained elsewhere or must it be done at this place? In the real world things are not handed over. We don't always get what we want. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions. This is something that he can teach his child --- like I said I dont know what the other dynamics are. If they are so super close that they are father and son that spend tons of time together and enjoy each others company and are exceptionally tight then I can understand, but if not then it is overcompensating to the child and undercutting you
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): I have not read any of the other responses, but I will bottom line this for you.
If he cares enough about his kids to make sure they get a private education, then it tells me he has his priorities straight. Kids first, you second. Should he have married? hmm can't answer that.
But as a single father, I can tell you that if I did marry, and my wife wanted to come between me and my kids in any way, she'd be gone in a heart beat. It really is that simple. He is making a decision to improve his kids lives, if you can't live with it, you need to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): Your home is your investment, your financial security. Your family and friends are your support network. Giving up those basics so someone else can enjoy some luxuries is not a fair trade in my opinion.
It is understandable that your husband wants to be close to his child and provide the best he can. That is commendable of him and if he were single and living alone it would only be his money and his life affected. But it isn't. It's also yours; your life and your money.
I'm a mother myself so I DO understand, and as deeply as I love my child, I do not agree with 'children always come first' as a universally applied blanket statement. It depends upon the circumstances. How are children supposed to learn to respect others and appreciate the true value of sacrifice and reward if they’ve been brainwashed into believing they are more important than everyone else?
Marrying someone who is already a mother or father requires some sacrifices. You knew that walking into this. But those mothers and fathers have some accommodating to do too. They cannot reasonably expect someone to work harder and risk more for the marriage, and receive much less than they would from someone without kids. And quite frankly many use their children as an excuse to get their way all the time.
Speaking of which I happen to agree with chick989 in that your husband has probably been long accustomed to you taking a back seat for him to have worked up the nerve to approach you with this. What he is asking of you is no small thing.
In my not so humble opinion selling your home and uprooting away from all that you know and love would not be a good choice for you. Something inside you knows this isn’t right and forcing yourself to swallow it will breed resentment and regret.
Speak to a lawyer and find out exactly what your legal rights and responsibilities are. You have a vested interest in that home (your name is on the deed, yes?) and he cannot just take any funds that come from the sale of it and spend as he sees fit.
The reason you feel so powerless is because you care more and it is therefore harder for you to walk away.
Your husband is looking out for himself and his child. That leaves only you to take care of you.
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A
female
reader, Jac2b55  +, writes (31 May 2011):
 I assume you knew he had a child before you married him??
In my opinion children should always come first to their parents, but in saying that, his child does not have to come first to you.
Perhaps you could discuss with your husband splitting the profits from the sale of the home (percentage depending on whether or not either of you owned it before you got together). By going out of your way to accomodate his needs you are making yourself very vulnerable and if he really loves you he will understand that!
You could explain to your husband that this is not a distrust of him of your marriage, but a way of securing your future as a couple.
Whern it comes to children and new wives, it does not have to be one or the other. Negotiate with your husband and come up with some sort of compromise that you both can live with. If you cant do that then it seems your marriage is in trouble anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): Hmm. Did he explain these plans when he asked you to marry him? He says you would understand if you had a child. It is unfair of him to say that, given that he has put off having a child with you because he is too busy with work and the child he has from a previous marriage.That pretty much tells you what he thinks of becoming a parent again. Hes not really interested! Did he explain THAT to you when he proposed?! He expects you to give up your home, your job, a child of your own, leave your family and friends behind and live in a rented place with him, so you can help him finance his child's private education? So how will you ever afford a child of your own if you are busy helping to support him while he spends a small fortune elsewhere? And where will the money come from to put your own child through public school? If you ever manage to have a child with him it will be brought up in rented accommodation and go to the local state school. Would you have married him if you had know this was his plan? Sorry but i think i would throw this one back in the sea because i don't think he has been very straight with you. I know children should come first but it is for him and his ex to sort out the child's education. It sounds as if he is just using you to help him out with it all and he doesn't care a jot about how you feel. As his wife, he should be considering you too. If he is not prepared to do that, then he should never have gotten married.
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A
female
reader, chick989 +, writes (30 May 2011):
You sound as though you have put up with a lot of crap from him or he wouldn't even be able to contemplate the idea of making you move far away. do not give in, you'll feel isolated and for what exactly?someone who doesn't sound to care about you. my partner treats me exactly the same when it comes to his kids - tries to patronise me saying I"ll never understand because I don't have any. I've been with him nearly three years and his kids apparently still have "rights" because they're still only children- these rights mean me having to go out of our home on "their" days because his 18 year old doesn't like me. I'm totally disrespected and it kills be bit by bit every day. how long had your partner acted this way with u? is he older? do u feel as though what you want counts for anything or that it is all on his terms? I wish I was strong enough to walk away from my relationship as I'm so unhappy. does your partner make you happy anymore?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): I would tell you to move on. You are still young and can meet a man in your own town who is more for you.
There is putting your children first but also going over the top. You matter too and never forget that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): 'My husband wants to sell our house and move to another town to live in a rented apartment in order to free money to send his child from his first marriage to a prestigious school there'.
He wants to sell the house that belongs to you BOTH to send HIS child to a prestigious school and you'll end up in a RENTED flat?
No, this is not fair and it's one sided. I think if he wants to do this he needs to finance it himself, it's not your responsibiltiy. How would he feel if it was the other way round?
I understand you are in a difficult situation but really, he is not being fair. Argue your point!!
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 His priority is to you and to his child. But selling up the marital home only to siphon off your security in order to pay out school fees is madness.
He needs some balance in the way he uses his resources.
And if he wants to end the marriage in a few years after all the money has gone into school fees then what will be left?
The children in an expensive prestigious school can be very snobby. He would be better to find a more affordable school where the school fees can be paid out of his existing income.
Do not allow him to load a guilt trip on you about not having children, and therefore alleging that you 'do not understand'??
You are still young, and I am guessing he is older?
Maybe his ex feels she did not get enough $$$ out of him during the divorce so she has latched on to the most expensive school she can find to bleed him dry.
Some divorced men feel they have to make up for the divorce by giving their children things they can ill afford.
And fair is fair. After he has spent the proceeds of the house sale on all his child's education will there be further expenses? College etc?
So that if and when you do have children your child will have to settle for less?
He is your husband? Not your partner?
If he is your husband then it is likely that the house has been his for a while. And that you just moved in later?
This situation might be quite innocent in that he naively wants to over-extend himself financially for a child who may not even be too grateful for the sacrifice the father of the child is making.
Or your husband may be pulling a trick to divest his assets so he can look as if he is penniless when he goes to divorce you in a year or two.
Don't make a big noise. Don't accuse him of anything.
But agree to nothing until you have presented the facts to an independant solicitor unknown to your husband.
Discuss calmly how you can prevent a situation of being cut adrift with no support by a husband who may already be having second thoughts about marrying a much younger woman.
The fact that your husband wants to delay (or not have???) children with you is another indicator that he may be having second thoughts about you?
Sorry to put doubts in your mind.
But not every marriage lasts. And if you are not financially savvy then either a man or a woman can be seriously harmed financially as a result of a divorce.
Men can also be ruined financially by a very extravagant wife, such that the Court can order the extravagant wife to repay some money to the husband as part of a divorce settlement.
Men tend to recover more quickly after divorce than women, especially if the woman has children to look after, while the man remains able to rebuild his income.
If your husband is self employed then there will come a time when he is less ble to bid for work. When that happens how will you pay rent, if he has already sold the house and spent all the proceeds?
Make it a rule to live within your means but always aim to keep a (your own) roof over your head, no matter how humble, it is still your castle.
Don't accuse your husband. But after you get legal advice it will be time to sit down for a serious time. If the house you live in is not in joint names then also raise that with your husband.
A house in joint names gives you more protection than if the house is solely in his name.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 May 2011):
The real question is this - who means more, your husband or your friends and family? That's where the choice is.
If friends and family, then you might just as well look towards the divorce, because you will lose when it comes to a child. You've even said that he will up and go if that's what it comes to - I suspect many single parents would do the same sadly.
I'm not saying that he's right to move away - or wrong for that matter. I'm not sure whether you're motivated by a genuine desire to stay together in a town where you feel comfortable, or whether there is an element of jealousy that is preventing you for moving. You do come across as a woman who has yet to come to terms with the fact that he has a child - "the child will eventually grow up and go his own way" isn't a good enough excuse not to move. You're putting yourself in a position where you are almost competing with this child, and not communicating your fears properly.
What I do know is this:
In terms of your husband, I can see entirely why he would want to move closer to his child (that makes access easier), and why he wants to send that child to private school (lets face facts that they do better!) And he is right to make sure that his child comes first - that is a parent's job. so if nothing else, he comes across as a good father (big plus point). Of course, the concerns here are that he can't get enough work (moving a company isn't easy), and that money suddenly dries up leaving you in the shit. Also, your happiness is something that does need to concern him - and you're not happy. He should be listening to you and any concerns you have. For example, could he not send the child to private school and rent where you currently live? Or could he move say, halfway?
In terms of you, I'm basically unsure that you really know what you've got yourself into. I think there are a lot of people who go into marriages/relationships with single parents not understanding the fact that any children that are already there must come first - period. I'm not sure that you've entirely understood the commitment that a child takes, and the commitment that your husband has to his child. You mention that your concerns seem to mean nothing to him. For argument's sake, I could say his own concerns about his child mean nothing to you. He wants to send it private, you're unhappy. He wants to move, yet you're unhappy about leaving your own family and friends - even though when you married this man he was supposed to be your number 1 priority over them. If you're basing your judgement on staying in a town purely because your friends and family are there, then is there true commitment to your marriage there? After all, army wives move around all over the place all their lives. So do other wives and husbands. So it's not like people don't do this and make something of it. It happens a lot, and it works.
And, also, you can look at this from another angle - all right you'll have to start another job, and there will be some significant emotional upheaval for you because of your friends and family. BUT, when you have a child with this husband, you'll be able to send your child to the same prestigious school. This could also provide you with an opportunity to start your own career again, and perhaps rise up even further if you put your mind to it.
There are a lot of factors there for you to think about. The finances, the risk of lack of work, the fact he will be nearer his child, the lack of your family and friends etc. But it could also be the best thing you've ever done if you're willing to make something of it.
So, back to the original question - who means more? Your husband or your family and friends?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): Why did you marry HIM if you weren't willing to accomodate his child? Kids come first and his priorities are in the right place.
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