A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m not really sure how to begin but I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, he’s 26 almost 27 and I’m 23. We were really close friends for probably 3 years before we started dating. So my boyfriend and I have been having… I wouldn’t call it a fight but more of a disagreement. He asked me why I don’t act sexy in bed or wear lingerie. I simply told him that I’m not sexy and no, I wasn’t fishing for him to compliment me. I just have never looked at myself and thought sexy or hot, to be honest I don’t even know how to act sexy. I don’t have a hot body; I’m a little overweight, mostly in my stomach. I am curvy, I guess you would call it ‘pear’ shaped; smaller boobs, curvy thighs and butt and I’m 5’10. I began working out a couple months ago and have lost 16 pounds which I am happy about. Anyway, I don’t wear lingerie because I don’t think my body looks good in it and it’s embarrassing. I know that he clearly knew what I looked like before we were dating and he has seen me naked. Our romantic relationship wasn’t ever about my body. He told me he loves my personality, which I am grateful for. And he tells me I have a beautiful face. He hasn’t ever called me sexy or said I was sexy, and I don’t think I’m that way, so it just never mattered I guess. His friends that are girls and even exes that are family friends are beautiful. Even I will admit they are hot! I’m not necessarily insecure over them, clearly he chose me, but those are the girls I would consider to be ‘sexy’. He’s seen his ex’s in lingerie and stuff. While I don’t think he would ever compare (in a mean or pig way) but really? It won’t look the same on my body as it would theirs. He also wants to have ‘faster’ sex. We usually stick with slower more ‘loving’ like making love sex; it turns me on so much more and he has told me he loves it as well. I don’t know if I like the idea of super hard, pounding, fast, hump and then done sex; I’m not sure. It kinda makes me feel like a porn star or something and seems like he would be the only one to get pleasure. I mean, I don’t want him to get bored, but the idea of sex that way doesn’t sound fun to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be prude or sound prude. I’m so confused! Advice please!!! xxxooo
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female
reader, HeresBoo  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 I'm with CindyCares, there are two issues.
In terms of lingerie, it's all about finding what works for you! When shopping for underwear you may be trying on the wrong stuff.. Remember that there are all different bra styles that work differently for each body. Some are canopy (flat top cup), full cup, t-shirt, sweetheart, plunge and of course push ups. For a pear shape I would highly recommend playboy. They're great for boosting a smaller cup, sexy, fairly cheap and if you find a nice piece like a bra with a sheer skirt added, that may make you feel more confident in hiding your tummy and focussing on breasts :)
There's lots out there and it's all made for every kind of body you can imagine!
Now the other issue, faster sex doesn't have to be so bad. I am in the opposite position to you; I always have fast sex and never slow and romantic. But fast doesn't mean it has to be rough, and who knows? You could enjoy it :) maybe you could try speeding it up during sex one time, and if you feel upset and don't like it you can slow down again and if you're feeling up for it, try again another time. You never know you don't like something until you try it :)
And I have never felt like a porn star :) far from it! Haha
Hope all goes well :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 There's two issues here, lingerie and faster sex.
As for the first, no need to be wary. The right lingerie makes everybody look sexy and everybody feel sexy, and it never ever looks wrong on anybody including ancient grandmothers.
We need to define " lingerie " though. If by that he means tiger - striped plastic stuff with a slit in the crotch, you know, the kind of stuff you can get in a cheap sex shop, well, although it may be fun every now and then to unleash your inner slut, you'd need to be more self confident and tongue-in-cheek to enjoy that.
But, as another poster says, lingerie is basically... bra and panties, which you have to buy anyway. So, if he wants you to stop buying ribbed cotton granny pants and choose instead something more sensual, sophisticated and " together ", you just try and you'll get addicted. You 'll be hooked, you won't be able ever to go back to waist high school girl panties , even during those dry spells when the only male who sees your underwear is your OB/GYN. Try to believe .
As for the faster sex, .. that, I'd be much less accomodating. Yes, I understand that not every performance can be all candlelight, soft music and romance, maybe once in a while he just needs something more animal , just about fulfilling an hormonal urge. But, if that does not rock your boat ... then what's in it for you ? So, I would indulge him once in a while, but not " spoil " him. Fast and furious can be a change of pace , a novelty, and as such even exciting, but not his main, regular M.O. If it has to be all about shooting and be done with it- then he might as well just masturbate.
tiger striped stuff wuth a slit on the crotch, you know, the kind of stuff you can buy in a cheap sex shop, well, although it may be very fun once in a while to dress up and let your inner slut come out and play, that's not for everybody , you'd need to be more self confident and tongue in cheek to enjoy that.
But, as amother posters says, lingerie is basically.. bra and panties. If rather than buying ribbed cotton Granny pants, you get yourself something a little more sensual and sophisticated,
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 You must wear underwear i.e. a bra and knickers, so why would it be so difficult to buy an underwear set that is a bit more attractive than your usual stuff?
'Lingerie' is just the french word for 'undergarments' for either gender (male and female) - so it literally is just a bra and knickers, buying some 'lingerie' isnt going to turn you into a slut or a pornstar!
If you normally wear plain black or white t-shirt bras and plain pants then swap it for a black lacy bra and some lacy pants, and that will do the job for your boyfriend - you dont need to go mad and buy a red peephole bra and crotchless pants! Just a small effort from you to wear some nice underwear would be really appreciated by him, and then this issue would go away.
No-one is asking you to become something you are not, and with regards to the 'fast' sex issue if you dont feel comfortable with it then dont do it. But wearing some nice underwear wont kill you, and even if you dont feel sexy you might find that once you have put it on and see how much he appreciates it, you start to feel a little sexier.
Take me for instance - I'm a bit overweight and definitely 'curvy'. I hate my thighs as they are huge but my boyfriend loves stockings, so I will wear them from time to time despite them making me feel so self conscious (I think they make my thighs look bigger) - however he loves it, and you can tell how turned on he is by me wearing them which in turn makes me feel better about the whole situation. It is nice to know your man wants you and thinks you look hot, even if you think you look stupid.
So come to a compromise here, buy some nice underwear and put your body hang-ups to one side, and enjoy knowing he finds you even more attractive when you are wearing this underwear.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): Sorry, did you mean you don't WANT to wear lingerie, or you think you won't look good in it?Please forgive me for being a male, but what's wrong with his request? This is our instinct. We are desperate to watch our partner's beauty every day. Her face, her naked body, her dressed body, her hair, ... If you think you are not sexy or you won't look good in lingerie, you're wrong. Every girl is sexy in her own way. Apparently you had enough sex appeal to attract him, and to be preferred over other girls.My wife is short and pear shaped. In no way you can compare her to a supermodel or pornstar. Yet, she is the sexiest thing to me. I watch her change clothes everyday. Sometimes, when she's in the mood she takes her clothes off and lets me admire her. I agree that most lingeries are designed for slim women. But not all of them. Teddies will definitely look good on curvy girls. And most nighties. Robes too.For the fast sex part, I believe if you make the foreplay a bit more interesting to him, he won't feel the need to go straight to intercourse. The foreplay is about both partners, not only the female.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (14 May 2013):
 I suspect he's getting bored. If the sex is always the same then it will eventually get stale. I'm not saying you should be someone you're not, or that boring sex should give someone a green card to cheat, but you do risk losing him this way. You seem to have very low body confidence. He probably does think you're sexy, otherwise he wouldn't be with you, but you need to give him something to work with. He obviously wants to see you make an effort and try new things, and he wants to see you in lingerie. Try the lingerie and try different kinds of sex. It might make you feel good. If you feel really uncomfortable then you can at least say you've tried.I think the biggest problem here is that you seem to think he has settled for you. It doesn't matter what his previous girlfriends looked like. As you say, he is with you now, not them, and that means that you have something they don't. It doesn't really matter if you have some extra fat around the middle, or if your boobs are on the small side. Men don't see girls in the same way as girls themselves do. He's not looking at you and wishing you looked different, he's looking at you and wishing you would see what he saw so that the two of you can start to have some fun. You say you are GRATEFUL that he loves your personality. You can be grateful to the universe for bringing him to you, and grateful for things he does for you, but I really think that liking someone's personality should be a given in a relationship. Perhaps you need to work on your self-esteem.
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