A
male
age
36-40,
*oubleL
writes:First time poster. I'm here because I'm afraid of ruining a relationship with an amazing woman. We have been dating about a year most of which was long distance at the start. Since then, we've moved in together. She had some emergencies and personal matters that drew her out of town for quite a while. I've been here by myself most of the time and she has been coming and going. As of late I think her patience has worn thin with me. I'll be the first to admit I'm not perfect, I have my immaturity. But, I am not without effort. I do and will do just about anything to make her happy. Granted I cannot give her the world, but I try my best. Lately, we seem to mis-communicate a lot. We do have a slight language barrier. English was not her first language. I think a lot of our misunderstandings stem from incorrectly interpreting one another and reacting poorly. So the last time she was here was for about 3 weeks. I spoke to often without thinking, it didn't matter that I didn't even feel what I said. They were just those stupid unfiltered thoughts that cross your mind and leave your lips. I made her feel unappreciated. I work tremendous hours and she still has not found work here. So while I am gone, she will clean, cook, do laundry. I do not ask her for these things but I am so grateful for them. Likewise there are times I feel unappreciated but I overlook my feelings because in my own way I feel so indebted to this woman. I don't ask her for rent money or any cost of living. I do my best to provide it all without expecting anything in return. Isn't that love? She knows her responsibility and I see she's trying her best, that suffices for me. She is much more introverted than I am. I am always telling her how beautiful she is, how much I love her, how great she is. Am I doing this too much? I think she needs to hear it. I think perhaps she does not want to hear these things so often. I am not smothering her with them. But she just doesn't really tell me these things on a frequent basis and rarely if ever on their own merit. They are usually follow-ups to what I have said. Is it wrong that I would like her to just tell me that she loves me, without saying it first. I know she wants me to be more confident. I do not have any issues with this in daily life, I can sell like the best of them, talk to anyone, and fit in anywhere. With love I'd say its something different. I am very intimate. I'd say at times her jesting eats at my insecurities. She knows this but I think she does not know how to handle me. Either I'll express my feelings and she'll think I'm insecure or I keep them to myself and it will be written all over my face. I am trying to be strong, but if this the way am I what do I do to fix it? This girl has literally rescued my life from destruction. She has motivated me to achieve great things, but now that we're here what do I do to stop making her miserable and unhappy. She says she's happy but its clearly not the same as it was months ago. Yet I feel I have given her more of my heart, and everything bit of myself to make her happy. What is wrong that we were so happy with so much less? Could it be that she is unhappy with her choice to be here. Is it as simple as her not finding work has just caused her usual tolerance of me to be a shorter fuse or is this a matter that grows deeper is she moving on? I know she feels she has to be committed to me because of our lease and she some how feels she owes me something, but I do not want her to stay in misery. I would truly do anything in this world to make this girl happy. Please help me.
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male
reader, DoubleL +, writes (25 May 2013):
DoubleL is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has been in the US for over a dozen years.. I met her when she was in the US. I moved over a thousand miles from all my friends and family to the school of her choosing, she also moved but close enough that she can go home and see her family on occasion. She wants to go to this University so even though I am sure she wants to go home, this is where she plans to be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): You answered all of your own questions in your post. This woman has displaced herself to be with you. Things are not as perfect as you may have created in your own mind.
She is homesick, out of work, and disillusioned. Not that you aren't good to her, but the fairytale has come to an end. She is seeing things through the eyes of reality, and not the romantic bliss you enjoyed months ago.
You try too hard. You ARE smothering her with love and affection. You are over-compensating out of guilt; because you sense her distress and you know she is hiding her unhappiness. You convinced her into coming to you, instead of you moving to where she was. You have your job, your family, you language, and people who speak your language all around you. She doesn't.
You both rushed into a decision without giving it enough thought and consideration. Reading your post, I am able to tell just how infatuated you are. Now you're noticing she isn't reciprocating at the level you think she should.
She has left her family, her friends, and everything dear to her behind. She now has to depend on you for everything.
She has no job, and no money of her own; so she has no financial independence. She has a lot going on inside and can't express them to make you understand. You get upset when she seems dissatisfied.
You are so tied up in being in love with love, you don't see what is in front of you. You are in total denial that you may have made a mistake in removing her from her home country. You aren't able to provide the wonderful life you may have lead her to believe she would find in being with you. You have fallen short of the expectations she may have had before coming to the US.
She is probably afraid that if she somehow makes you angry or unhappy, she may not be able to afford to return home. She may even want to breakup and doesn't want to seem ungrateful or to hurt your feelings. She doesn't want to admit to herself she may have made a big mistake. She is depressed and isolated from her culture.
She made a very big decision to uproot her life. I wouldn't be too surprised if her parents and family were not 100% in agreement to her moving away. She was caught up in a fantasy. She wanted to move away to be with a dream-lover.
Then there is the culture-shock and language barrier. One of the most important factors in a good relationship is communication. She must feel quite isolated and the only time she can speak her language is when she calls home. There is no one else around like her. It's all about your needs and not hers.
She has to bear the guilt in abandoning her loved ones, and putting so much distance that she can't just go home when she feels like it. They can't just come see her when they want to, and may not be able to afford to.
You can see the writing on the wall. You already know the reality of this situation, and you should sit down and ask her if she would be happier if she returned home. Don't be selfish.
Smothering her with love and affection apparently hasn't changed anything, or you wouldn't have written this post.
If you really love her, you will allow her to be honest with you and do what will make her happy.
I think she just wants to go home and not hurt your feelings.
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