A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we moved in together after the first six months. I love this arrangement and spending time with him, but he feels like he doesnt have enough space and has suggested living apart again when our lease runs out. He says he still loves me he just needs space and I require to much attention. Our lifestyles are very different, Im at uni and dont work, where he works full time and also is very committed to sports and friends. I feel like he doesnt have enough time for me and that moving out would be a step back, but he thinks i need to regain my individuality (which i partially agree with but don't know how to do it.) Any help would be really appriaciated!
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female
reader, LaraC  +, writes (1 November 2009):
Haha my god, this certainly made some entertaining reading.
In answer to the unwarranted accusations from rhythmandblues (why I always seem to attract the loonies I just don't know!). I am married and have been for a couple of years now. I don't have an account with dearcupid and had never heard of this website before last week when I took a holiday to visit my sister (Lara) and she subsequently introduced me to this site. Needless to explain she was already signed in on the computer and I didn't think to sign out before I sent in my answer.
I thought there were some interesting arguments presented by rhytmandblues in the first message she sent, however having now read through the following posts by this member I am astonished to find out that she is supposedly over 50 years old - given the childish tone in the latter posts I'm inclined to believe this is either an embellishment (by 30 years or so) or if not then I would strongly urge to OP to consider if she really wants advice for a fifty year old divorcee with a bad attitude!
I don't see why she felt the need to include a resume, particularly since there is nothing really impressive about it, and I don't think I'll be wasting my time with this site in the future. I love a good debate and find that you can always learn something new from other people but the manner in which members like rhytamandblues advocates their views makes it all very petty and childish.
Anyway, I wish the OP the best of luck and I'm sure she'll be very happy living with her boyfriend :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): By the way my ex boyfriend and I were together for two years, not my longest relationship by far, and to me that was long enough to be together without being married.
Lately, he seems to be trying to get back together with me, but I have never pursued him or changed my values or who I am in order to keep him, nor have I continued to live with him and support him, he had to go out and do that for himself. He has achieved a lot in the last year and so have I and if things look like they may work this time, who knows I might consider. I never wanted to live with him in order to see if we were compatible or as a test for marriage. We both know we are compatible we get along, but there are certain practical things and personal challenges that made marriage not a good idea at this time and possibly never. I take care of myself, always have and have had much love in my life and am grateful for that and I won't commit to someone unless it is for life.
I do not BELIEVE in divorce, nor do I think love is just a feeling and we toss people when our feelings change.
I BELIEVE that Love is not a feeling, but a conscious decision we make to be a person worthy of love and to put our partners needs above our own. Love has to have committment in order to work. Living together is not the committment I am talking about as it is obvious that this poster does not have the commitment from her man that he thinks she is the ONE he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He isn't putting her needs above his own and needs space and wants to move her out. Fine, but that is not true committed love now is it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Dear SugarBear,
So people are agreeing with your advice? You are too stupid to even understand what my advice was to this woman. It is not negative, depressed and bitter, it is a dose of the truth that she is putting herself in a trap of living with a man who is not committed to her. Her efforts are not what is going to make her situation change and she would be wise to take care of herself.
So how old are you anyway, where did you get your degree in psychology from?
A little bit about dear old undeducated me.
I am 53 years old. I graduated with honors from my high school, I graduated on the Dean's list from the University of Missouri in 1979 and any employer's standards they will tell you that my degree means more than one earned in the last 20 years because colleges have had to lower their admission standards and dumb down their curriculum because there are less numbers of qualified students that can enroll in universities and they are hurting for funds.
I have owned my own business for 9 years and dealt with people of all classes, educational and criminal backgrounds.
I have been in the Telecommunications Field in the past for 12 years, was hired and recruited away from my first Telcom employer by AT&T as a Strategic Account Manager, which means I had to pass oral examinations on Sales, the Internet, Data communications etc in order to have a job there. This company is considered to have the top Sales teams in the US. I dealt with CEO's, CIO's, Marketing Managers, Operations Managers, Purchasing Managers, Engineers, Human Resources Managers, Networking Engineers of Fortune 500 companies because that is the level of business where the buying decisions were made and designed complex networking systems and sold them to large corporations and convinced them to change from what they had in place to utilize AT&T Data Networking and Voice Services.
So I don't know just how uneducated you think I am, what have you done for a living?
In college I did psychological research and was chosen by my professor as his top student to conduct my own research project for the University about Learning, and I am published, no big deal, but again, I am no dummy. I have a Bachelor's degree, however, I started working towards my Master's and have some experience with giving therapy and counseling individuals, I know enough to be dangerous. I have kept up with my education, I read quite a bit, I also keep up with changes in technology.
What we do here on DC, is we don't start out by criticizing some other aunts advice by calling them outdated.
I am very glad that you are happy with your life.
However, Home of the Free and the Brave does not mean that we have a temporary self serving attitude about family and marriage, because with that kind of attitude the ones who will suffer with your starter marriage mentality are any kids you end up having.
I feel sorry for you because you don't even know any better.
And I am glad you think people are agreeing with your advice, you have nothing so far but poor on your ratings though, so maybe that is a little bit of a clue for you.
I don't try to advise for ratings, I just tell it like I see it and I am almost sure I have a couple of decades of life experience on you. I can tell you were one of those kids that at 13 you thought you knew it all, and emotionally you haven't progressed much past that.
There is a lot you don't know that you don't know, my guess is you were never taught how to appreciate anyting and you have an attitude of entitlement and don't even know what that means.
Take care. By the way, if I didn't get along with coworkers I would have never been promoted in my career and I have been many times. Right after college I had an analyst position and was promoted to Human Resources Manager where I started a Human Resources Department for Company of 600 people, usually they don't put people who don't get along with coworkers in that kind of a position that involves a lot of politics.
Just for example.
As far as being alone and not having a relationship except for just sex? Where the hell is that coming from? I am currently single, my last boyfriend was 15 years younger than I was and we lived together for awhile even though I knew it was a mistake going in, we did it to help each other out financially to start a new job for him. He has a young child, problems that I won't go into here that made me decide to break things off. I have been in an 11 year relationship before that and single much of my life as I was working really hard at having a career. I am not bitter and alone, I have friends and family that live close to me and am still friends with my ex and we are not sex buddies. I enjoy being single and independent, I travel when I can and I have lived in some interesting places....Nor am I depressed.....I am disgusted a lot of time at the lack of values that I see from so called educated people on this site, call it old fashioned if you want, too, but I happen to have lived through some things you have no idea about and are benefitting from today, but you have no gratitude and a completely false understanding of what being an empowered woman actually means.
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female
reader, SugarBear  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 To Rythmblues, Ok I will bite because you are egging me on and I find this entertaining and humarous. Which means I am laughing at you.....So again - Drop the holyer than though attitute and the self rightous BS. Oh I am so perfect - YOUR NOT. You sound like a control freak so I will let you have the last word when I am done. You are mean, rude, bitter, depressed and very alone, your advice is telling people they are wrong and to give up. So you are not educated in any way. You have no love inside. So misery loves company then for you. You are a very combative person so you dont have frineds, you dont get along with coworkers and you dont have any type of relationship, maybe only sex. People are agreeing with my advice not yours. So help people dont just be judgmental and Negative... You are just plan rude, we dont tolerate that here.... You have so much anger in you, you should see a councilar very soon, My life is much better than yours as we are happy and you just are jealous and cant stand that. You are out of the norm.Try to keep an open mind. I am so right and that is how we do it here, live with people so we dont get stuck with people forever if we are not happy... (We are the land of the free because of the Brave)..... Good luck get some help.. You can not phase me by anything you say I am a scorpio and you mean nothing. I like to help people with a positive outlook , keep the faith and hope. Help people, be kind, open your heart. Its ok to be wrong and make mistakes we all are not perfect... To anonymous - so glad I could help, you are doing the right thing and it will all work... p.s. Stay away from negative people that just want to bring you down. Suround yourself with positive people as you know, try reading The Laws of Atraction, its another view you might embrace as well.. keep reading keep learning and keep an open mind. You never know what will happen in life...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): To Lara C
Apparently you are a liar as well, in this thread you state you are married and have been for quite awhile but here I will copy and paste your response to a post
dated today where concerning oral sex were you clearly state that you have a "fiance"....in any country that means that you are merely engaged and have not been married for "awhile". And here you are on this thread dated the same day saying that you have been married to this same man for a quite awhile,.....hmmm, why the need to lie? Maybe because you are full of shit, wow how outdated of me to call you out.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-men-just-ask-their-girlfriends-to-give.html
I think this may be a cultural issue as well as sexual.
Where I'm from (Sweden and UK) oral sex is very common with your partner. Either as foreplay or as a quickie - oral sex (giving and receiving) is a very pleasurable experience and something that is reserved more to relationships that one night stands.
My fiancé and I have a very good relationship and he loves receiving oral sex and has no problem asking for it. On the other hand he loves giving it to me as well, I too have no problem asking for it.
I suppose the only way it would be considered disrespectful is if your partner would ask you to give him head but then refuse to give it to you. But then again I've never met such a man ;)
Best of luck,
L
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): To Lara C, so you have a Phd in economics, good for you.
In my opinion that doesn't qualify you for giving exemplary advice on marriage, coahbitating and divorce and any psychological behavioral issues. So you are well educated in economics and understand how studies are done.
Good for you. I am not exactly uneducated, I have been published with my own psychological research during my college years.
You may be in your 20's or maybe your 30's and because you have spent your life with your nose in a book you think you have all the answers. ...perhaps you do.
But I doubt it. Let me know what you think about life, and relationships and marriage when you have lived several decades...there is no shortcut to life experiences.
You can discount that as outdated or you will finally realize when you are older just how dumb you really are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): To Sugar Bear, you may think my advice or views are outdated and 20 years old.
The difference is in our values. I don't think that living with several people and having it not work out and then living with someone and being married only 8 years is exactly a success when it comes to relationships and marriage.
I know, not think, I have lived a different point of view and I am from parents that have been married for over 50 years. Until you can tell me that your oh so modern views result in those kind of long term relationships then I don't give a shit what you think about me....bitter, alone? nasty? I don't think so.
Disgusted by your 'starter marriage' lifestyle, yes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi SugarBear
Thankyou so much for you advice, its exactly what I needed and I am a strong believer in positive thinking, so is my parter. I believe thats why we are at the point where we can communicate now before it got to a negative stage.
We both think we can make this work and I really believe and agree with your suggestions (just needed that outside perspective to confirm my thoughts) so thanks again : )
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female
reader, SugarBear +, writes (28 October 2009):
To Rythemblues - Yes we have been happily married now for 8yrs and counting to my new husband. It was the best decision I ever made was to move, I played my cards just right. We love each other and have a happy life together. Hes even laughing at your advice to these people...
Yes you should absolutely live with someone before you marry them, EveryOne I know does and has..Its the smart thing to do in this day and age.
Life is short and the relationships are not failed, we loved and lost or learned from being with a few people I am glad I never married any of them but I dont regret any of it, we are all still friends and keep in touch.. Thats real life and how it goes. Not to hard of a concept to grasp..
. You have outdated views... NOte: Depressed People have lost their compassion and Only boring people are bored. You sound like you are old, bitter, mean, depressed,nasty and of course very alone.
It is not good to be so negative,or give bad advice. I feel so sorry for you... Give adive with some hope and faith.. Yes things do work out...There are many happy endings from breaks.. good luck theres still hope for you...
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female
reader, LaraC +, writes (28 October 2009):
To rythmanblues2
Yes, I agree that what you are saying used to be the common opinion, no doubt you have heard or read about it and found the statistics compelling.
However, this really only goes to prove my point... Unless you are willing to continually educate yourself on an issue it is very likely that you'll base your opinions on outdated information.
The studies and research you are basing your arguments on are all over twenty years old. Naturally there has been a lot of changes since then and if you care to take another look you'll find that current research into this topic has disproved the old belief of cohabiting before marriage.
As far as providing empirical evidence I really don't have time to go through all the recent studies but you can have a look at:
- Study done by Daniel Lichter of Cornell University in Ithaca, N.Y. which shows that the odds of divorce among women who married their only cohabiting partner were 28% lower than among women who never cohabited before marriage.
- Have a look at research from the following Universities, they all have ongoing studies on cohabiting couples - University of Wisconsin, the University of Minnesota, Pennsylvania State University, Cornell University
The following can perhaps account for the change in opinion of this issue over the past twenty years.
"The nature of cohabitation has changed," says Jay Teachman, a sociology professor at Western Washington University in Bellingham. "Cohabitators 20 years ago were the rule breakers, the rebels, the risk takers — the folks who were perhaps not as interested in marriage, and using cohabitation as an alternative to marriage."
As for the more personal questions you asked. Yes, I lived together with my now husband two years before we got engaged and four years before we got married. We are still together and very happy so for us it has worked out great.
In reference to the PhD - No, my studies have absolutely nothing to do with this topic (mine was in Economics), however research is research and this is why I always check sources before trusting the opinions of others.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): "So from a women with a degree in Psych and HAVE BEEN MARRIED AND DIVORCED AND LIVED WITH A FEW MEN but now live happily ever after (SURE ABOUT THAT?) with my new husband. Not to mention we broke up for 5 months I MOVED OUT and gave him space WE GOT BACK TOGETHER of course.
Well, I am not sure that the whole living together with a few men until you got it right and married one of them actually worked for you. And gee your now husband wanted space and you actually gave it to him BY MOVING OUT.
Take it from a woman with a degree in Psych, and has not had a bunch of failed living together relationships or a divorce , living together is not the answer to finding out if you are compatible and having a great marriage. Getting married and having a real honest commitment from a man is the answer before living together.
That or remaining single and independent makes for a happy life without a trail of divorce and failed living together relationships and a few kids that are created during uncommited relationships.
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female
reader, SugarBear +, writes (28 October 2009):
Wow I can not believe you are getting such a beat down on this.. Hey its me The get off your butt now girl and do something now... Well one last comment.
He seems like a mature guy for telling you his feelings and letting you know in advance what he needs from you and what he is asking.. And you can do it and will. Let it be as soon as tomorrow ok . Its not like he's throwing you out without talking to you about the problem first..
I understand what he is saying for you two to grow together and have separate lives, they were taking that too literally. He makes sense and you understand what he is saying. Thats good positive communication.
So you give him some space, dont give up your whole life to please him, do some things, hobbies etc.and grow together with hobbies too.. Bottom line is you come together at the end of the (busy) day or week and have a lot to share and stories to tell eachother. Yes you should live with a guy before you marry him but rule of thumb is dont go over 2 years if hes not talking marriage because then years will fly by and you wont get married. Although many people today are ok with not having kids and not getting married, they just want to be together but not sign the papers which is fine. So from a women with a degree in Psych and have lived with a few men and have been married and divorced but now live happily ever after with my new husband. Not to mention we broke up for 5 months I moved out and gave him space we got back together of course, he needed space because we both lost our jobs and were home all day driving each other crazy. Anyway you now know what to do and you guys will be just fine. He cares so he will make an effort too. But if it does not work out like I said make him move not you if possible.. So I want to know your progress, each week your plan and what you are going to do and where you are going to go.. write it down. Even say to him soon oh I was so busy I did not have time to make dinner things like that.. and dont call him at all during the day and I mean it. There are many tricks you can use to get back on track. Can you go out with your frineds this weekend and give him a night off? try so many things and soon you will be yourself again, your confidence will be back and you will have goals and dreams for your life. ok I ramble do a makeover too. lose a few pds. Bring a project home and work on it at the kitchen table for days something crafty or whatnot you get the idea..
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for all the advice, your right I am really invested in this relationship, and most definately want a future with him so I am going to be the optimist and work in a positive way to give him the space that he needs, which I really do think will make both of us appriciate the time we do spend togehter. Only time will tell. Thanks for your help
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): To the original OP, I don't want to be right, I want you to face some realities that you may not be reading your boyfriend correctly.
I can tell that you are very invested in this relationship and that you can see that you have smothered him somewhat. I hope your efforts turn things around.
What I don't agree with though is your belief that what you are doing with this man is going to result in what you really want which is happily ever after, or getting married to him. Men get to commitment much differently than women do, and I won't get into that discussion today.
That said, I think he may be trying to break up with you in a very kind way and you may find that your giving him the space he claims he needs will find him distancing himself more and more from you until you are ready to throw in the towel. It is never a good thing to hear from the man you love that he wants space or to move out or anything along those lines. We as women tend to be optimistic because he is being so kind and we buy into his bullshit request for space and think perhaps he is scared.
What he is really telling you is he is not commited to you, he is not as invested in this relationship as you are and he is at a crossroads, he doesn't really know for sure what he wants, but he thinks he may want to see what else is out there, hence the need for space and for his own place.
Hopefully for your sake I am not even close to understanding your particular man, but in my experience, this is what most men mean when they say they need a break, space or to move out on you....it certainly is not taking the next step or taking the relationship to a deeper level, you may think so because you had a talk, but something is weighing on your boyfriend's heart that probably has nothing to do with you at all, but his desire for his freedom from commitment....
I wish you all the best and good luck with your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Well Laura C, I appreciate that you have a Phd a Phd in what?
I didn't offer this as proof, I offered it as an explanation on why living together is not a test of a marriage
do you have personal experience in living together with someone before you married them and how did that work out for you?
I tend to agree with the marriage counselor in that this has been my personal experience of living together before marriage, I don't think it is a great idea unless the couples are about ready to get married and tie the knot.
Unless your goal is to just live with someone temporarily, I never think it is recommended by most doctors of psychiatry to live together as a trial before marriage, sorry, that isn't what I have read or studied.
If you have empirical evidence to contradict and to prove that living together before marriage results in less divorce than non cohabitating couples, then let's see it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thankyou for you input, know your trying to help and I have taken some of what you said on board. In all honesty, im really confident that your wrong in this particular regard for a number of reasons. The main one being that while we have an active sex life, it is not a huge priority to either of us in our relationship (we both enjoy it but over time the passion has definately slowed) and I dont believe that this is a sign of a bad relationship, more the fact that we have moved into a deeper stage and have a really nice level of companionship that ties us together much more strongly than sex. I know im really being quite defensive, but im an intelligent woman and if I thought there was a basis to your theorys I would take notice. Its hard not to become riled up when its somthing as important as this though. We know each other so well, on a much deeper level than what an outsider perspective could gain.I have made a decision that for the remainding 3 months of our lease I will take an active role in becoming more involved with my own interests and stop fussing over him every second of every day. (When I think about how I have been behaving for the past year I can see why it would be irritable from his point of view, though I never meant to be overbearing, I just didnt realise that yes you can actually suffocate someone you love when you never give them a breather.) And hopefully that will do the trick, because I can say one thing for sure, and that is that we have somthing that deserves the effort and would be an absolute shame to throw it away.
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female
reader, LaraC +, writes (28 October 2009):
To rythmanblues2I had a look at the article you suggested and have to say it looks like complete nonsense. Another wannabe love doctor trying to build popularity and a clientele by offering free marriage advice on the net. Empirical evidence to support his theories where completely non-existent and I could not find a single paper by this "doctor" in a reputable journal. To become a doctor of high standing one must publish a number of papers put forth in 'peer-review' settings providing real evidence of original research, quantifiable methods and some sort of contribution to the general knowledge of a topic. None of which could be found on the site you recommended. Whilst I could definitely agree that he offers some interesting opinions I would discourage you from using articles such as this as 'proof'. Anyone with a decent education would find it highly questionable and note the lack of concrete evidence to support the claims made in the article. Having completed both a PhD and several large research projects this is an area I happen to know a little about and I will advice anyone reading this to always consider your source critically before jumping on the bandwagon.Do a little research on the topic and you will find that most reputable sources will disagree with your article... and for good reason as it has no foundation in proper research.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Hmm, something about what your boyfriend said irks me and sounds like another way of saying, I like the steady sex but I want my freedom to keep my options open. (I know that will get you all riled up, but hey the truth sometimes is hard to face).Definately sees a future (did he step up and claim you as the ONE he wants to be with for the rest of his life, did he use the words commitment and marriage to you) with you.But what really set my hair on fire is"So we can grow together, but lead independent lives"Marriage is not about leading independent lives, it very much changes that forever. You both have to be in joint agreement about everything or your marriage will never work.What he said to you was pure BS and sounds like he pulled it out of his ass. Whenever someone makes a statement that sounds like what you want to hear (so we can grow together) and then follows it with a but, you can pretty much ignore everything he said before the but in the sentence because after the but in the sentence he is telling you how he really feels.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRhythmandblues2, thankyou for the link you added, I just read it, and while I still have my opinion, it was good to get another perspective and see where you are coming from. It makes for an interesting arguement on both sides.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Great I hope you do too, taking a look at the article may give you some further tips on how to do that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response again to rhythmandblues2, I wouldnt have posted the question if I wasnt interested in both positive AND negative feedback. But to doom sombodys relationship when they are here for the purpose of trying to keep it on track is not helpful, and I look forward to proving you wrong that we won't make it past 6 months, because BOTH of us are committed to the relationship. I say this with confidence because while you seem sure that he is avoiding breaking up with me because he isnt ready or to spare my feelings, I KNOW him as a real human being and not as a two dimensial description on a website, and he is not the type of person to avoid saying what he feels and like I said, we have talked in depth and both know exactly how the other is feeling. If anything, this has been good for our relationship because we communicate really effectively to each other even in a tough situation and while things obviously need work in the area i posted on, theres a lot of other things that are great.
I have gotten some great advice and hometruths that I needed to hear from this post, and Im greatful for all the advice. I have recieved alot of clarity on my own life and the shared life I have with my parter, and look forward to well exceeding the 6month expiry you seem sure we have coming.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Oh forgot to mention the link is for an in depth article on why living together is not a "test" for marriage and why it doesn't help you have a better marriage.
I would take a read if I were you and follow some of the links in that article as well.
It goes into explaining why I think as I do.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025_qa.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025_qa.html
You may think it is a dated idea not to live together before marriage, but I think you don't know what you are talking about, you aren't kids, but you are still quite young. Never said you weren't in love, playing house does not equal not in love, so you were being a little judgemental and defensive yourself.
The reason I said he doesn't know if he even loves you are if you are a habit he can't get rid of is based on his actions that you have described here. He wants out of this living together relationship, you may not want to accept it, but it is a sign he is falling out of love with you in spite of what he is "saying" to avoid hurting your feelings and ending things with you before he is actually ready to do so....but the writing is on the wall, and living together is one of the things that is putting your relationship in jeopardy.
I know what I am talking about. I have lived with someone before as well, so I don't have religous convinctions or old fashioned prim and proper ideals, I am not a school marm shaking my finger at your bad morals.
You came on here wanting advice. I don't think my job is to be tactful I think my job as a 53 year old woman in this world is to share some of my "wisdom" that I have gained in my 50 decades on this earth and want to help young people like yourselves have what it is you really want in this world.
You can choose not to listen, I give your relationship another 6 months, tops.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your responses, appriciate it. Lara I really agree with what you said, I think that living together is the best possible test to a relationship and you need to be sure before getting totally comitted to somone (ie engaged, married.)
"So get off your butt and start doing something, anything, get a dog to walk take a yoga class anything to get out of the house. Things should be 50/50 and even. " ........
Totally agree with the statement above, thankyou I needed to hear it. I think the issue is that Ive been so consumed by the relationship and being in love and "nesting" that I have lost my sense of self, and need to work on getting my priorities back on track, which will in turn improve the relationship.
I have since spoken in depth with my parter, and he clarified that he definately see's a future between us (before this we hadn't really encountered any major conflict) and that he suggested the living seperately as an option in the short term, to help me regain my independence. But he would also be happy if I just took the advice of just getting my own life back, giving us both a break so he isnt feeling so suffocated. (In his words - "so we can grow together, but also lead individual lives.)
The strangest part is that before I met him I was the most independent girl you would ever meet, I had been single for a long time and was adamant that I didnt need a man to make me happy. I suppose this has been a good wake up call to start being happy with my own life, and be a whole person independently. (While still enjoying him!)
Lastly, I'd just like to say in response to rhythmandblues2, that while I appricate you taking the time to respond, and even agree with some of what you said (for example in hindsight I think 6 months was rushing things moving in together, and also that if I start getting busier he will make more time for me) there was also a couple of things that really irked me in your post that I would like to respond to.
Firstly, we are not "playing house", and to say that he doesnt know if he loves me and that I might be a "habit he can't rid of" is completely untrue. I didnt mention our ages (Im 24 and he is 27) but you seem to have formed a quick opinion that I am just a school girl with a crush. I can tell you right now that after 18 months we most definately know we are in love, and we are both intelligent adults, not kids trying to play grown ups.
I'm not hitting back at you because I cant hear the hard truth, I just feel like you put me on the defense and could have communicated your thoughts in a more tactful way. With that said, I do appriaciate you giving your opinion. The other issue was in saying that we shouldn't live together because we are not engaged or married. I dont know whether that is your religious or personal view, but I dont share that view and find that on the contrary, it can be a smart decision so that issues such as the one I am having now can be adressed before that kind of commitment. We have both discussed our views on marraige and children, and while we both agree that we are not ready for any of it yet, I think its a good sign that we both have the same ideas on what we want in our future and when the time is right.
Thanks again everyone for your help : )
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reader, LaraC +, writes (27 October 2009):
I agree with the other aunties with one major exception. The idea that you should be engaged or planning to marry in the near future in order to live together is ridiculous and a very bad idea.
I think couples should try living together for at least a year before they get engaged, not doing so is really just wishful thinking and a very dated concept. In order to make an informed decision regarding spending the rest of your life with someone you will need to know what they are like living with.
Anyone can be a nice person during the hours you meet up (if you live separately) but by living together you will know if you are compatible or not.
Best of luck!
L
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reader, Jayney Y +, writes (27 October 2009):
 I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but I think it's going to be all downhill from here. You're right about it being a step back. He's trying to let you down gently with the old "I still love you but I need space" trip, because he doesn't want to hurt you, but he's feeling cramped and he sounds like he wants out of the whole relationship not just the living together bit. Moving out and living separately is just the beginning of the end, but maybe you should put off confronting him because if you do, and he admits he wants out, then you'll be stuck living with someone who's just broken your heart, which is a crappy situation. Wait 'til you have moved out and then ask him for some real clarification about where the relationship is headed. For your sake I hope I'm wrong. Good Luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): I agree with your boyfriend. You two are no where even close to being engaged or ready for marriage and living together the way you do is an easy arrangement born out of convenience and to play house with each other.
Your boyfriend is not ready to settle down, so why fool yourself into thinking that you have a more serious relationship than you actually do.
Back off, get your own place, give him his space, stop focusing so much on him and focus instead on you and have your own interests and life. Once he finds you busier the harder he will work to fit into YOUR schedule instead of you waiting around for his and putting pressure on him to be more committed.
You both have a lot of things you need to do to become whole individuals, finishing school is your top priority, but this living together thing on the back burner, 6 months in was way too early to start living together. He doesn't even know if he really loves you or you are just a habit he can't get rid of.
Living together before being formally engaged is a really bad idea. I am surprised you made it this long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): All men need space and a break, you cant always be at home every moment he is.. Usually they dont want out for 2 or 3 years so if hes saying this aready he can't commit to you thats bad news. SO You must find yourself a job and a hobby and friends and a life. He is right but he should want to be a lot with you right now during this new phase of the relationship.. He will never marry you if things dont change you will waste time.. So get off your butt and start doing something, anything, get a dog to walk take a yoga class anything to get out of the house. Things should be 50/50 and even. If he loves you, you can work out things now before the lease runs out but, tell him to move not you, why should you? he should pack and move... Dont let someone tell you what to do. Just agree with the break up tell him you need time away from his selfish ways. . All he is thinking now is that he will be free when you move out... I would say to him, we work it out now or there is nothing anymore and act like you are leaving him and kicking him out. Turn it all around but dont act like a baby or a wimp stick to your guns... If you move trust me its over in his mind he will just have you over for sex once in awhile.... thats it trust me. He also needs to know when you live with someone, they are your life and you make time for them and you try to make them happy, all girls like to build the nest and stay home with their man. He should get used to part of it because thats what a marriage is... But you do need a life and get it fast to impress and suprize him... Theres better men out there.
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