A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have a question: is it normal for your guy to spend 2 or 3 times a week with his friends after work and not with you? My guy see's me 2 times a week on his days off and sometimes 3 times a week if he has time during a break at one of his jobs. I don't think he is cheating. He says he loves me and wants to get married we have been dating for 4 months I know that's soon but I feel he is telling the truth and I love him. He introduced me to his family and went to my Family's Thanksgiving so I figure if he was not interested he would not have done that. He always calls when he is out with his friends never at the time he said he would but at least he calls. I try and act like this dose not bother me but it dose. Am I just being silly cause he wants to spend some time with the guys he assures me "there is no women " and says he loves me on the phone and I can hear people talikng is the background so if he was with another girl she would have heard him. So anyways is this normal guy behaviour I mean I don't care if he needs a night with the boys but is 3 nights too much ?
View related questions:
a break Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Seadansr +, writes (5 December 2009):
Sounds like you want to have him only to be around you. If you are so insecure that all you think is he cheating on you. You need to look at yourself and stop expecting him to drop everything for you or you will push him away from you
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 December 2009):
 Four months is a very short time. He would be a bad friend if he just changed his life and dropped them. Don't know what's too much time to spend away from you, it really depends on the couple and the situation. I don't think he should stop seeing his friends, but obviously you want to be with him more than twice a week. Tell him you miss him and would like to spend more time with him. Seeing your partner only twice a week is no basis to start talking marriage. You don't know this guy well enough and he dosen't know you. You've just met, and haven't spent enough time together for this relationship to develop into an engagment and marriage. Tell him you would like to see him more, and just don't mention the issue of his friends. Leave it up to him to rearrange his timetable.
...............................
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (4 December 2009):
 I'd say that's not unusual. Sounds like he spends as many nights with his friends as he does with you. Some girls would be frustrated at seeing him as MUCH as you do, others upset at seeing him as LITTLE. You are a bit more clingy, looking for a boyfriend to be with you 4-5 times a week or more, and that's fine, but he's looking for 2-3 times. Neither of you is WRONG, you just have different expectations for the amount of time you spend together.
...............................
A
female
reader, gracie123 +, writes (4 December 2009):
Sounds normal to me--you should go out with your friends a few times a week! If you do get married and are with him for the long term, keeping individual lives like that might help the relationship. I've always found that having my own life and my man having his makes for a much better relationship!
...............................
A
female
reader, RollerCoaster19  +, writes (4 December 2009):
Hey,
How about this? If it really bothers you, sit him down and gently say that you would like to be around him more. His reaction should be the clincher, yes? If he agrees, it was just a male thing - he didnt realize you needed him :) Men can be like that at time :) The other question you should ask yourself is would he cancel his plans if you needed his help (say you were stranded somewhere/felt unwell or something) or would he still go ahead with his plans? If it is the latter, you have something to worry about. If not, he is being Merely Male. And like another commentator here said, for some men that is very normal. Besides, do you really want to be with him 24/7?
Also, is he as supportive and does he call you/or do you call him when you are with your friends? If yes, the guy sounds genuine and you should give the relationship some time....it could take you to a really good place :)
Take care.
RC
...............................
A
female
reader, Sadnat  +, writes (4 December 2009):
 i agree with the first message, a guy that is into you cant wait to see you everyday, and if you are happy, cool, but if you arnt then you should think things through. you have every right to want to see him and dont let him make you feel clingy because you are not! but you must decide what you want from a husband because he wont change when you get married. but good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): I am going to give you a little dose of reality or play devil's advocate here.
The bottom line is it does not matter what is normal, what matters is what you want out of a relationship with a man.
You are in the early stages of a relationship and personally I think he is feeding you a line of crap telling you this soon that he is wanting marriage, has he said to you? Any guy that spends that much time out with his friends without you is simply "keeping his options open".
Is this necessarily a bad thing? No. But if he is Misleading you into thinking that he is more committed to the relationship than he is, then he is playing you. Why do guys do that? Because they want to control you and make you available to their beck and call, it is mostly about avaialble sex, and yes emotional support.
I wish I understood this about men when I was your age, but I didn't get it, I was caught up in all the romance of it. The truth is men do not commit to a woman until they step up and claim her as the one they want to marry and be with for ever after. If and until then, they are merely dating you.
We women tend to make a "events" like time spent together, meeting his friends and family as "markers" of his committment to the future of our relationship with him. To men, these "events" are merely things to hang time on, they mean very little to him, they are just stuff he does because he likes us.
So what I am trying to explain to you is being a girlfriend is a trap, a trap for you. Wow, he can go out and hang out with his friends, flirt with some girls, collect some phone numbers and if he finds a really hot one who wants to bed him down, then he can do that, too, because he is not committed to you, but he is possessive of you, he let's you have the label of girlfriend, so you will be sitting at home, not dating anyone else, not flirting with any other men so you will be there when it is convenient for him. Some women get angry at me for saying this. They rail against me and say, but he has feelings! So what.
He can still do what ever he wants, he can get off that path of happily ever after any time he wants and what we women do is get off our own path and follow the nim rod around in his confusion, apathy and noncommitted state.
So what do you do? You stop being so available, you stop being the doting girlfriend and you rise to your highest level of difficulty. In short you live your own life, you keep your heart open to as many men as you want, too and get your emotional support from as many men as you want too, and you can give the guy who wants to take you off the market sexual faithfulness, but nothing more, if and until he COMMITs. He may not like it, but so what, do you like the fact that he is out there in the world keeping his options open? I doubt it.
Love is a game, it is a risk, but you have to put your focus on you until it becomes real and when it does you won't be asking these questions, you won't be wondering where you stand because you will have an engagement ring and a wedding date and you know your man is yours forever, and that is when you stop keeping your heart open to other men who may love you back.
...............................
A
female
reader, Frenzotic +, writes (4 December 2009):
 Hanging out with friends 2 3 times a week is definitely normal. You got to understand friendship is equally important and is a good way to socialise, bond and let off steam.
He makes time for you, calls you when he's with friends, you guys are even planning marriage! I don't think you have anything to worry over. =]
...............................
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (4 December 2009):
 Uh...that's perfectly normal. And by normal I mean healthy.
I mean you have only been with this guy for four months. He has his friends and he calls you when he's hanging out. Sounds like he's trustworthy, and he wants you to meet his family. These are all great signs. He has his own life, and you have yours. Which means that the time he does take out to see you is special, because he chooses to take that time out of his otherwise busy schedule to see you.
I have been with my guy for a year and a half and we see each other about the same amount as you see your guy. We like it that way. We are both super busy but we make time for each other and our friends. I mean do you want him to hang out every day he has free? I guarantee things would get really old pretty fast for at least one of you, and the other would develop a super clingy behavior.
So all in all, I think you guys are going great. If anything, the longer you are together, the more he'll want to see you more often. Sounds like a great guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, mediocreland +, writes (4 December 2009):
It's normal for a guy to hang out with his friends, espeically since your relationship is fairly new and in the making. He's calling you while he's with them, so obviously he's thinking of you.
I think it's a good quality in a guy if he doesn't completely ditch his friends when he gets in a relationship. My boyfriend spends 2 or 3 days hanging out with his friends, luckily they love me, so we all get to hang out together.
Further into the relationship you should see if you all can hang out together once and a while if you're really bothered by him hanging out with them.
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (4 December 2009):
 All I can say is that his current behavior may portend his future behavior as a husband. Personally, I've always been the type of guy who would spend most all my time with my woman, but that's me.
...............................
|
